Neon Genesis Goonvangelion Book 3: Pointless Kombat

Chapter 1: A Blockbuster Day / There Will Be A Test

Asuka skipped lightly out of the female changing room. Her sync test was done. That nasty LCL smell was out of her hair for once. Her new pink summer dress went fetchingly with her hair, and once she turned the corner to the main corridor, Shinji would be waiting for her. Turning said corner, her skip died to a slow halt. Shinji was not waiting for her. A tall American with evil hair watched her approach. Or maybe he was sleeping standing up. With his glasses catching glare that didn't exist in the corridor, she couldn't make out his eyes. "Wo... Genoni."

A smirk touched his lips. "Sohryu. I have an addition to your training schedule."

"It couldn't wait for this afternoon?"

"Andy needs help moving a water tank this afternoon, so you get your training schedule now."

"Lucky me."

"I left the relevant materials to Misato's apartment. Your assignment is to watch the DBZ series up to the conclusion of the Cell saga and write a seven page report on Trunks and his no-name powers. I want to see particular emphasis on the theoretical utility of his powers and a large section on the mechanics of adapting them to defending against every type of Angel known to come up against NERV. And I want it by... um..." Genoni faltered and consulted his Mini-MAGI. "What do you mean, date function not available?" He shouted at the wall, then pointed his face at Asuka. "Okay, in a week."

"Is this some kind of joke?"

"No. This is important."

"So this wasn't cooked up after you idiots found the power levels program in our Mini-MAGI?"

John tilted his head, allowing his glasses to somehow catch even more glare for a second. "If you don't think you can handle watching a cartoon, just say so."

Asuka wrestled down the urge to deck the insufferable American. "Just for the record, this training is stupid."

"Duly noted, Sohryu."

Purple fingers of dusk brushed gently across Tokyo-3. At the outskirts of town, at the end of a dirt path off of a dirt road, off of an old access road, off of a closed main road, kilometers from another living soul, sat a beat up white car with a lone figure slumped lazily in the driver's heat. The windows were lowered in surrender to the oppressive evening heat, letting in the distant cacophony of cicadas wash over the occupant. One arm hung out of the window, fingers only just holding onto a smoldering cigarette.

The driver's seat offered an impressive view of the techno-metropolis of Tokyo-3 from the barren cliff edge a dozen meters from the parked car. Cast as it was in shadow, the city seemed to ooze from the black landscape and reach towards the sky like a titan fighting to emerge from an earthly prison.

The car's driver finished his contemplation of the city, took a long drag from the remains of the cancer stick, and stubbed it out in the ashtray. He blew out, running one hand through his unkempt hair, then idly scratched at two days of stubble clinging to his chin before drifting, haltingly, towards an unlabeled manila envelope sitting in the passenger seat.

The tearing of tan paper interrupted the torrent of cicada mating calls, then the driver extracted the contents. A dozen pictures and a DAT audio tape were dumped on the seat, which were quickly ignored while the man inspected the envelope to verify its lack of more interesting contents before tossing it into the back seat.

The picture on the top of the haphazard pile was a distance shot. The subject wore a hawaiian shirt that no amount of bohke could soften, and sported hair that extended his height well beyond socially acceptable levels of tall and almost into the realm of fantasy giants. The subject appeared to be lecturing someone out of the shot. That illusion was shattered when the man spotted the subject's face reflected in a shop window at the extreme edge of the photo. The subject's mad eyes bore into the camera while a sinister smile played across his face.

The driver put this picture aside to unveil a second photo of a grinning blonde American giving the camera a 'V for victory' sign while two nearby women looked annoyed at his antics. A tee shirt with a novelty logo proclaimed TO BOLDLY GO… BACK TO BED' beneath a cartoon zombie bust.

A third picture showed yet another American attempting to relax at a small sushi stand. The shot gave him the air of a wild animal, what with his glasses both perfectly catching some light from somewhere and utterly hiding his eyes while still making it clear he was glaring right at the camera lense with a 'you are interrupting my lunch' look.

He quickly shuffled through more similar pictures of three familiar Americans, and set them aside. Next, he considered the tape.

He twirled it slowly between his fingers, his face remaining studiously neutral even as his other hand fetched another cigarette, lit it with the car's lighter, and brought it to his forcefully neutral lips. He took a long drag and exhaled with a tired sigh before putting the tape into the car's audio deck.

A computer-garbled voice spoke from the car's speakers. "This briefing is for Agent X-453. Contents are classified 'Sakura.' Unauthorized access, reproduction, or dissemination of the contents is a capital offense." A brief pause, and voice continued. "The three targets identified in the included materials have been implicated in data theft from the government. The data in question is vital to activities related to your current assignment. The theft has changed our situation dramatically. Recent investigations indicate that the data has been brought into NERV, but with largely unpredictable results. Whatever systems the data has affected have behaved as our simulations predict, but additional unpredictable actions continue to be observed. This trend of unpredictable actions on the part of computer systems is a grave threat to the safety of Japan. Agent, your mission... should you choose to accept it; is to eliminate the data source. Secondary objectives: discover how NERV is using the data, how it has affected their operations, and if a recovery effort is likely to succeed. While NERV appears to be controlling the data in some fashion, it was last possessed by the three targets. Start with them. Remember agent, to step softly in the dragon's lair. This message will self-destruct in five seconds."

Ryoji Kaji dropped the photos back into the envelope and stepped out of the car. The small dirt road wandered behind a tree a dozen meters away. Not a blade of grass appeared disturbed by the passing of another human being. Kaji walked away from the car slowly, the cherry of his cigarette bobbing in the stale night air. Unseen behind him, smoke rolled from the car's windows as a small incendiary charge in the DAT tape quickly transformed the dash into an inferno and swiftly burned the flesh off of the car's metal shell. In a few hours, only the bones would remain. Kaji was twenty meters away when the car exploded spectacularly, hurled more than fifteen meters into the air and flipping and spinning every which way. Literally. Kaji rolled to the side of the road, crouching behind a sturdy boulder. He patted himself down, thankful to find no broken bones. Then he considered the smoking crater.

Quietly, he slipped into the darkness of the woods, sidearm silently dropping into his hand.

One hundred and eighty-five centimeters and one hundred and twenty-five kilograms of American dressed in twenty-five kilos of weapons and body armor stormed from the front door to the balcony and back again. A Thunderous Voice echoed through the apartment as its owner barked like a Drill Sergeant tearing into a fresh bus of recruits.

"LET'S GO! ON YOUR FEET! MOVE IT OUT! GO!GO!GO!GO!GO!GO!"

Morning had come to the goons' apartment.

A blond man wearing a T-shirt reading 'Federal Breast Inspector' sighed at his roommate's antics. "I told him not to mix Super Dew and coffee."

The newspaper next to him lowered, revealing John 'Worm' Genoni, glasses still on glare mode. "Andy hasn't had any sort of Dew this morning. And we agreed to switch to decaf until he could get his Chibijin form under control."

"We did? I must have missed that briefing."

"Where the hell are those morons!" Andy howled, stalking by the table again.

John shrugged. "Is there a death squad hunting him down? I can't figure out what all of the hardware is for."

"Pre-fight jitters?" Jared ventured, taking a sip of his coffee.

"Yeah, but who would he be fight-" John gasped.

Jared turned his head to the side and performed a perfect spit-take.

At the same time they both shouted, "WE FORGOT ABOUT THE ELEVENTH ANGEL!"

Andy stopped by the table again. "JACKED UP AND GOOD TO GO!"

Jared blinked, then a grinch-like grin stole across his face. "Hey... that's the one when Asuka has to get nekkid!" A curious snapping sound emanated from his brain.

The goon in glasses looked at his comrade as one would a self-insert author character who was focused entirely too much on the alleged fan-service. "That's... partially correct. Unfortunately, as pilots we may have to take the pure-subject test as well."

Andy ran back into the room. "Hey! I'm talking to you, boy! Get back here!"

Jared didn't even glance at the shouting goon, aiming to remind John of some important plot points instead. "Asuka naked naked Asuka naked naked Asuka Asuka."

"That's right, The angel will attack the MAGI itself too. This is an enemy that we cannot fight in our Evas."

Andy, walking by the table yet again, heard John's words and came partially back to reality. "NONSENSE! We can obliterate the Angel once it's in the MAGI system! Problem solved."

"We need the MAGI intact, Mucha."

"Naked Asuka," Jared agreed.

"The MAGI! They need the MAGI!" Ethereal crimson flames blossomed around Andy.

"Unit-04 won't get finished if you blow up the MAGI, Mucha."

The flames slowly dissipated. "...Ok. I'll finish Unit-04 first!"

Before anyone could protest, or offer up a better plan, he dashed from the apartment.

Jared shook his head. "Naked naked. Asuka naked?"

John looked at his mug of coffee. "Nah. I'll grab something on the way to work."

"Naked."

"I'd snap out of it before you run into any of the kids."

Jared dismissed the concern with a wave. "Asuka naked Asuka."

Andy set his claymore in the sword rack, grabbed an extra-large pack of wet wipes, and sat heavily at his desk. He peeled the pack open with care, and began to methodically clean the blood from his Hawaiian shirt.

Genoni quietly watched from his own desk, occasionally stealing glances at the sword rack and its sole occupant. Quiet, until he spoke. "Where were you? Why do you have a blood-stained claymore?"

"Wonderful questions," Andy stated.

"And?"

"And what?"

"And are you going to answer me?"

"I just did."

"No, what-no, you-"

Andy ignored the throbbing vein on John's forehead. "Where is that other one?"

Genoni shrugged, then frowned and appeared to realize he had a Mini-MAGI back on his wrist. After consulting the computing oracle, he strode briskly to the door and opened it.

The pervert immediately flew through the orifice up-side down, skipped off of a wall, slammed into the next wall, and fell gracefully onto the couch; still up-side down. The red handprint on his cheek practically glowed.

Genoni let out a low whistle and let the door close. "That's a hell of a bank shot. Now, what's your so-called plan?"

Waddell righted himself quickly, touching the side of his face tenderly. "Plan?"

Andy offered a frown to Genoni. "Wait, I thought you could handle that."

John made a hand washing motion. "I've filled my quota. Besides, I used up all my tech-points with Unit-06, and that was with help from the whole of Sector 7. You remember the last time I tried to program in high school."

Old habits took hold immediately. Waddell echoed every one of Andy's words, their responses in perfect synchronization. "There were no major casualties and the building was insured."

"Still, this is Jared's area of expertise."

Waddell had finished feeling around the impact on his cheek, and was apparently satisfied that nothing was missing or permanently broken. "My what with the who now? Is she hot?"

"You are going to program a disk to counter the Angel's super-evolution once it tries to invade the MAGI."

"I can't program a disk to do that." He rose, and patted John on the cheek as a school teacher would console a particularly dim student. "Silly Johnny."

"Write a computer program, put it on a disk, and put it into the MAGI. Or code, or I don't know what… This. Is. Your. Job."

"Is it Tuesday?" Waddell consulted his own Mini-MAGI for a moment. "This feels like Tuesday work; you know, Monday but with regrets in other states as the authorities…" His expression darkened as the rant ground to a halt. "How could the date function be broken? It's the DATE function. Does time have no meaning?!"

Andy opened his mouth, "We've watched Eva enough times! With my keen eye for pointless details we can figure out what keys Ritsuko pressed and recreate the exact program!"

Genoni sighed. "The sad part is, that's the best plan we have. I suppose we all know what the fail-safe is."

"Indeed." Jared promptly forgot why he was going to give his Mini-MAGI a viking funeral, and raised a hand. "But Maya did half of the programming off screen."

Andy nodded. "There was the blinding glare from her glasses reflecting the screen, the miniscule movements of her shoulders and, of course, the canned typing soundtrack mostly obscured by the dramatic music. It's like they're just giving it to us!"

Jared stood. "And if any details are missing, I can simply fill in using my completely useless trivia knowledge about the series!"

Genoni added something of no consequence. "Her glasses were just white and her shoulders didn't move, it was cheaply produced anime for the LOVE OF GOD!"

Andy dismissed the crazy argument. "Nonsense, I saw her subtle movements."

"Those were discrepancies in the cell photography!" Genoni whined.

"Hey!" Andy shouted back. "Who helped you figure out what they were typing in Ghost in the Shell?"

"THAT'S WHAT LED TO THE COMPUTER SCIENCE INCIDENT!"

Andy and Jared once again echoed each other. "There were no major casualties and the building was insured."

John straightened his shirt and focused on the paperwork covering his desk. "[Gentle-men.]"

The other goons left without attempting to give John even more of a coronary.

Hours later and kilometers away, Jared set the last note on the sizeable stack of papers at his elbow, and sighed. "That should be enough for the virus."

Andy considered his own pile. "I'm concerned, Waddell."

The sun sat low and lazy in the sky, casting long shadows over the card table. Jared spent a moment making some bad shadow ducks before pretending he heard Andy. "So, we're moving to the important work?"

"Indeed, weakling. Genoni's power grows greater every day."

"That's generally how it works, yes."

"He should not have such power."

Jared crossed his arms over his chest. "Well, he's a Goon."

"And thus recovers from injury with whatever speed the plot deems necessary."

"Is a DBZ fan, like us."

"And thus gains power in proportion to the injury recovered, Saiyajin-style."

"He thinks he's a Jedi of some kind."

"And so if struck down, is granted power beyond imagination."

"And seems to be possessed..."

"What?"

"Nothing," Jared coughed into a palm. "Anyway, this evil…"

Andy nodded. "May be sucking his life away every second."

"That would mean that if his Goon healing power is countering the parasitic demon's leeching, then he's constantly getting stronger! Add to that, whatever power John gets from the duration of being Possessed. Add to that, all the injuries he gets daily around NERV from acting like a conceited jerk!"

"Then the answer is clear! We must get possessed!"

"Uh, Andy?"

"No possession?"

Jared shook his head. "Try again."

Andy tried. "We... must act like conceited jerks?"

"We already do that!"

"Hmmm... What advantages over Genoni do we have?"

"Well, we get into life-threatening accidents a lot more often due to inattention and a tragically twisted 'common sense.'"

"I see... More 'accidents'?"

"Hmmm, we were going to step those up anyway, things are getting dull around here. I mean, I haven't been set on fire in more than two days."

"Truly, what trials you must endure."

"So if we can match John's slow and steady growth with our idiotic leaps and bounds, then I suppose the only thing left to do would be to..."

Andy's eyes widened as he caught on. "Protect Genoni from his justified beatings?! You can't be serious!"

"It's the only way we'll even have a chance to catch up! And it will give us the opportunity to take the damage for him, thus robbing him of potential power-ups!"

Andy's eyes narrowed. "I see your point, but protect my oldest foe?! I'd never live it down!"

Jared girded himself. "It's hard for me to suggest too, but... wait. There may be an alternative."

Speculative, "I'm listening."

"Perhaps if we didn't actively try to kill him, that would lessen the incoming damage!"

Andy pouted. "You mean stop booby-trapping his belongings and common routes? I almost like the protection idea better."

"The point is: we have to decrease the incoming damage to Genoni."

"Fine, I'll start disabling the apartment, you work on the office."

Jared's eyes went wide. "Oh crap! The office!"

Jared completed his Instant Transmission and found himself the focus of a pair of glasses catching the overhead lighting on the lenses. "DON'T! Er, I mean, Let me get that for you good buddy, old pal of mine."

John pulled back and frowned at Jared. "What did you break?"

"Nothing... yet. I just, uh, figured with your hands full, I could do the chivalrous thing and open a door for a friend."

The glasses-wearing goon made a show of looking at his left hand holding a mug of hot coffee, then his free right hand. "Riiiight."

"Are you going to protest this like some kind of psycho-type feminist or are you going to let me help?"

John took a sip of his wake-up juice. "Then open it."

"Right... Um, are you sure you have to be in the office, this minute?"

The other goon started tapping his foot. "I'm waiting."

Eyes squeezed shut, trying and failing to brace himself, Jared reached for the door handle. Made contact. Turned...

A six-foot thick twenty-foot long log burst from the doorway, wasn't even slowed down by the opposite wall, and continued to punch a hole out of the pyramid and sailed about five hundred more feet into the geosphere lake. Stunned and screaming office workers looked through the hole only to see Genoni's dismissive 'get back to work' wave.

"I remember that one from High School. Boy was Mister Ferguson surprised. Though I don't think we ever found Jason, the class suck-up."

The highly buoyant log did its thing and floated nicely in the lake. Jared didn't feel nearly so buoyant; he felt like he'd been turned inside out by the impact.

"PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNN!"

A voice reached him from the pyramid. John complaining about some kind of line.

Andy flew into view and carefully balanced on the log, causing it to spin and put Jared's face underwater. When the log rotated back to a position that allowed the goon to breathe, Andy was hovering over the log, looking sage and annoyed. "Ah, the old Spring-launched-battering-ram-behind-the-door trick. I'd forgotten about that one. Anyway, I came up with a brilliant, if I do say so... and I say so... so it's brilliant... Uh, where was I? Oh yes, a way to leap ahead of John. All we'll need is an N2 mine and a place the authorities won't easily stop us... Like the Gobi Desert! Coming?"

Jared stopped coughing, glared at Andy, and resumed coughing.

"Great! I packed for you already."

A small canvas bag hit Jared in the face, dislodging him from the log. He treaded water for a second, watching the bag sink out of sight. Then he glared at Andy.

Andy looked back at him silently for a minute. Then, "What, no 'thank you'?"

The Gobi desert; a beautiful, scenic hellhole. Having grown up in the desert, Jared had seen more sagebrush and coyotes that some nature experts, and the austere beauty before him had no grip on his soul despite the gorgeous sunrise.

The trip out to the official middle of nowhere, China, had been more interesting than ninety-five percent of their destination. Hours were spent planning. They'd scoped out where to steal a tactical non-nuclear weapon. They'd made plans for charter planes, cargo planes, and hijacking a commercial airliner. They'd considered a boat. They'd forged papers, planned a route across China, and were halfway to arranging for safe houses when genius struck.

They would just use their ki and fly there. Easy! Of course, even their abilities might have been just a tiny bit taxed by fighting off two air forces while carrying a tactical non-nuclear weapon. The plan was changed, and they dressed up like jet planes and flew to China proper. The hardest part prior to departure was having Vikki manipulate the flight control systems.

Wait.

They…

They... dressed up like jet planes?

…

Whatever.

...Of course, this meant they arrived in China empty-handed, so they had to make a detour to boost an N2 mine from a military base before finishing their trip to the desert.

Well of course they did!

The other five percent of their destination that was interesting happened to be the six-foot-tall scorpions Andy was currently holding off with a flamethrower.

Jared was elbow-deep in misappropriated military materiel, hair oddly aflame, working on phase two of plan Power Up Now So Stupid Genoni Doesn't Get Any Stronger Than The Rightful Ruler Of The Universe Who Is Andy Are You Writing This Down Waddell. "Just keep them off me for a few minutes!"

"A few minutes? What's taking so long?"

"Deactivating the safety systems, I don't want this thing to go off in my face, and it's not crazy-safe like conventional nukes so there's these fail-safes and-"

"Waddell, the plan IS to set it off in our faces."

Jared blinked. "Then why am I being careful?"

Andy also blinked. "You ignored my plan! You didn't listen to any of my Very Important Instructions and just started… tinkering!" The last word was spat out as an accusation.

Jared held Andy's angry stare for a handful of seconds, then tossed the delicate tools and reached for the big blunt one. "Okay, back to your plan!"

"Finally!"

Five minutes later and fifteen hundred miles away, Fuyutsuki picked up a green phone that rang angrily at him. He hung up after just thirty seconds of listening.

John materialized before the sub-commander, mouth open to ask a question that crawled back down his throat as soon as he laid eyes on Fuyutsuki. He coughed. "What?"

Fuyutsuki's voice was perfectly controlled. "China thinks they're being bombed."

"How is this my problem?"

"They claim to be missing an N2 device. We are also missing 'pilots' Waddell and Mucha. They are away from their Mini-MAGI, and... let's face it, if anyone was stupid enough-"

"Please don't finish that sentence."

"Fine. Look into this, Genoni."

"Will do, Fuyutsuki." John pressed two fingers to his forehead with a sigh, and vanished.

The Tokyo-3 airport was a relatively modest gleaming fortress of metal and glass flanked by mile after mile of concrete and asphalt. Not far away from the huge complex, at space Z-245, Andy and Jared struggled to load a large tubular object into the trunk of a gleaming red 1970 Chevelle SS.

Jared was looking around the warhead, adjusting his footing. "Okay, okay, I think I got it..."

Clang!

"MOTHER-" The rest was bottled up inside until he blew out a big breath. "Ow…"

"Are you okay?" Andy asked, still holding up the other end.

"I didn't say 'let go'!"

"You're still talking."

"Fuck you; this thing's heavy."

"So?"

"And it's ON MY FOOT."

"So that means your hands are free."

Jared grumbled, unlocked the trunk, and lifted his end of the warhead. After another minute of fighting, they managed to put it in the trunk. This did not mean they could close the trunk. With the warhead inside, the lid only came within half a meter of the latch. Jared fetched some chain from a toolbox in the back seat and firmly secured the trunk with a chunk of the warhead easily visible.

Then he put on some sunglasses. "Let's roll."

"Is that John's car?" Andy pointed at a silver blur on the nearby highway. In the next second, he was head-down in the passenger side of Jared's car, legs sticking out of the passenger window. "...Was that really necessary, Waddell?"

An engine roared to life. Small children were frightened, windows were blown out, and car alarms were set off even as the beast was roaring in gear and laying down a patch. The Chase of the Day was on!

Jared's Chevelle wove through traffic, sometimes even staying on all four wheels, dodging the much smaller local vehicles. The Limited Access highway that linked the airport to Tokyo-3 sported three lanes in either direction, separated by a concrete median for the health nuts who prefered to bike a highway. Being the middle of the day, all lanes were full as people and products traveled from point A to point B.

Some of them complaining about it.

"I can't believe you want this thing wired to your car." Andy held onto the steering wheel.

Waddell worked the gas with one leg. "Do you know how much this thing weighs? Pliers."

Andy handed over the pliers. "Isn't this car fast enough though?"

"Not possible! I had to add an electric motor under the hood, do you know how many stupid regulations the government has, like this is any time to… cutters."

Andy took the pliers and handed over the cutters. "But, the detonator?"

Jared shifted from glare to desperately looking for an explanation. "I, uh, needed a challenge. What do you care? We stole the bomb to blow it up anyway."

"But that was supposed to be after we boosted its power! That explosion was pitiful, it barely singed my eyebrows!"

The glare came back. "Maybe if someone didn't get hit by an Angel last attack, they might have noticed the fury and power of an N2 mine!"

"I'm more surprised that the shockwave that barely crushed our bones was able to put out the fire in your hair."

"What fire?"

"Nevermind, it's not worth it."

Jared shrugged. "You'd think John would've caught up to us by now."

One would think that, what with John's modified Aston Martin. He has made longer distances in less time. But there is a universal rule about how, when you're in a big hurry there's always some old driver doing half of the speed limit, blocking you?

John was having such a universal moment, and let his horn complain about it loudly. His expression clearly told the world that he didn't much care if his pressing missed the large horn button and 'accidentally' hit one of the smaller, red buttons. "For the Love of-MOVE IT GRANDPA!"

Blocking the Aston was a van; sleek like a tiger, fierce like a lion, powerful like a bear... but since from this angle they'd be pictured ass-first we'll just move on. Someone had apparently decided they didn't like living and stole Misato's new Minivan From Hell.

Probably the Crazy Old Man who leaned out of the driver's window. Half a meter of grey beard flapping in the breeze, the end of a gnarled wooden staff poking out next to his head as he shouted at the honking British classic. "YOU! SHALL NOT! PASS!"

John stopped honking immediately and searched himself for a bottle of prescription pills. He extracted it, read the label-quickly-and threw it out of the window and rubbed his face. "Oh no... Not him... I thought I was done with Ritsuko's Minions."

The driver's door to the Minivan opened and the Crazy Old Man leaned out, shouting instructions to someone inside. "Take the wheel, KeyRing-Bearer! This will only take a moment!"

A much shorter than average person was thrust into the seat by the other passengers. "I can't reach the pedals! Have the pretty-boy drive!"

The Crazy Old Man was already climbing... somehow, onto the roof of the Minivan. Back in the Aston, John cussed up a storm that for all the offensive power he had at his fingertips, the defensive ability of the Minivan trumped him in the end. With no alternative immediately visible, John set the auto-drive and leapt out his window to the roof of a nearby car.

John pointed at the Crazy Old Man. "What the hell is your problem?!"

"You cannot pass. I am a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the flame of Anor. You cannot pass. The dark fire will not avail you, flame of Udun!"

"I'm not the flame of Udun."

"Go back to the Shadow-what?"

"I am not the Flame of Udun. Those were the balrogs. This isn't even Ancient Europe, this is the Japan of the Apocalyptic Future."

The Crazy Old Man blinked, looked around as if just realizing where he stood. "I'm-I'm leading a quest to... destroy a key... to a most terrible power."

"Sure you are. Listen, does Mis-chan know you have her ride?"

"My Mistress gave me permission to use all available means."

"So you swiped the keys off Katsuragi's desk. It seems you fear the Doctor more than the Major. Fine, great, wonderful, why are you stopping me from catching up with my friends?"

"I thought it was obvious, I... Oh, you mean you're not after us? Well, heh, in that case, of course you can pass. I'll just get back into the Van and we'll be on our way."

John made no move to jump off of the Minivan. "Just what is this key you speak of?"

"Nothing! Nothing. Just a little bauble. Nothing to worry about."

"May I see it?"

"Insolent whelp! I said it's no business of yours!"

A Ruggedly Handsome Ranger leaned out the window. "Hey wizard! That blender in the back seat is throwing a fit!"

The Minivan rocked to the beat of a few small explosions, and then a short someone was ejected from the side door opposite John.

The Crazy Old Man looked slightly panicked. "Not now!"

John set his jaw. "For your own good, give me back my blender."

"NEVER!"

The Gray Wizard aimed his staff at the Psycho Goon and a burst of light nearly plowed John and the car he's under into the median. Hopping forward a few cars, John dodged a fireball that seared its way up the traffic until it burned the paint off a large trunk.

Two very familiar heads leaned out of the car and announced at rock-concert volume levels. "PLEASE! DO NOT! SHOOT! AT THE NON-NUCLEAR WEAPON!"

So we've seen these two cause panic in a lunchroom, a batting cage, and Lord knows how many other places. It's time to chalk up 'Terror at 100 kph.'

A little further back the road, John frowned, absently dodging another blast. "Those idiots. I wonder if a well-timed Saiyajin Mine Trick will affect the Minivan From Hell?"

John's brain did a quick and dirty calculation, and he acted on the results. Two fingers were thrust in the air. A second later John's Aston Martin-dutifully following the Minivan-rocketed into the air in a slow tumble, clearing the concrete wall and sliding to the bottom of a short hill... where the engine exploded.

A giant flaming cross filled the Chevelle's mirror.

Andy eyed the rearview mirror with a mixture of disbelief and annoyance. "Are we being bombed?"

"I knew that slimy worm was hiding something, but I didn't think he'd go and jack an S2 core into his ride!"

Nearer to the Minivan From Hell, John was having a hard time keeping his eye muscles from twitching. Or keeping his voice sounding remotely human. "MY CAR! My FUCKING [CAR]!"

The Crazy Old Man actually looked worried. "Now now, young feller, don't go off the handle on this."

John glared murder at the Gray Wizard, momentarily rendering the old man's protection spell visible. Then the American leapt to a closer car and fired a nameless energy blast at the Minivan.

The driver, a pointy-eared man who had no business being that pretty, panicked and swerved. The sudden movement almost dislodged the Old Man. John's second leap and tackle finally removed the wizard from the roof and put the pair of combatants on the back of a passing semi-trailer.

Meanwhile, Misato casually entered Ritsuko's office, absently stopping the guillotine blade with one hand and sitting primly on one of the open chairs. Her smile had more false charm than a politician. "Dr. Akagi-"

Ritsuko sighed and rolled her eyes. This wasn't going to be fun.

"I discovered that a certain item was missing from my office today and naturally sought out the security footage to discover when and who took that item. Imagine my surprise when I recognized the thief as one of your personal bodyguards. Of course, I am not implicating you in this theft, I merely am seeking the most likely source of leads so I may find the perpetrator and ram my foot so far up his wrinkled ass he'll be spitting leather for a week!"

"Which one did it?"

"The Gray Wizard. Fancies himself some kind of Tolkein-esque-"

"I am well aware of the neurosis of my guards, Major. That one in particular is responsible for a supply shortage on two levels. Keeps finding things he claims must be destroyed where they were manufactured."

"He. Took. The. Keys. To. My. New. Ride."

"Relax, I don't think he wants to destroy it, I think it's just for transportation purposes. It's not like he can ding the fender on that beast anyway."

"It's the principle of the thing!"

The intercom on the doctor's phone barked. "Dr. Akagi! Major Katsuragi! There was a S2 explosion detected on the west turnpike of highway 134!"

Ritsuko pushed a button on the device. "I doubt you've scanned an Angel all day, Aoba. Send a cleanup crew there and warn the PR department." She released the button and faced Misato. "Well, Major, I would reckon that's where your 'ride' is. I doubt we're lucky enough for one of them to have finally died, so may I suggest an armed hovercraft?"

"Screw the Americans, I'm going to shave every one of your guards that has laid a finger on my car." She rose and pointed at Ritsuko. "You hear me? Shaved!"

Ritsuko nodded, already in thought. Seconds before the door closed, she shouted to Misato. "Bring back pictures!"

John was impressed by the wizard's ground fighting ability, so impressed that the old man suddenly drawing a glowing sword didn't faze him. Feeling righteously undignified about his car's destruction, he quickly summoned a metal pipe to defend himself. The Gray Wizard didn't even blink and attacked with staff and steel trying to force the Goon off the trailer and onto the pavement. John parried and held his ground. After a dozen seconds of crossing weapons, both stopped as something large and dense hit the trailer, nearly tipping it. The Crazy Old Man managed to regain his balance, but one of John's feet found its way over the edge and he tumbled off… where he promptly levitated, then flew back onto the trailer and glanced down to see who was going to die next.

A familiar spray of black locks preceded a head from bursting out of the hole. "HI-YOO~!"

"ANDY! What the hell are you doing here?!"

"There you are! What's the hold up? It's so boring up there I had to chase myself!"

John could feel his thought process choke on that input. It took a second to abort the logic tangle and reassert reason and sanity. "That has got to be the most... ANDY thing I have ever heard!"

Andy smiled as if the words were a gift. "Thank you." Then he watched the light show of a blast of magic fizzling against John's ki shield. "Oh, One of the Crazy Old Men. Well, I'll leave you to it then." Andy put two fingers to his forehead and disappeared.

"NO! STOP! DAMN IT!"

Up at the Chevelle, Jared had done something horrible to the radio and was 'singing' along. "There were funky Chinamen, from funky Chinatown, they were choppin' them up, they were knockin' them down. It's an ancient Chinese art and everybody-"

Andy appeared in the passenger seat, arms wide, blocking Jared's view of the road.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

Andy joined in. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"AAAAAAAAhhhhhh! That was fun. Why are we screaming again?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! DON'T DO THAT!"

"Do what?"

"That!"

"What in blazes are you babbling about, Son of Waddell?"

"Nevermind, where's John?"

Andy smiled. "Who's John?"

"Don't start with me."

"Fine." Andy pouted. A little. "You're less fun. He's... How does he always put it? Oh yes. He's fighting for his life and freedom a mile back on a semi."

"That jerk. Always thinking about himself."

"Well I'd wish you were paying more attention to the road, there's some construction up ahead and we don't want to-"

CRUNCH! wobble-wobble-wobble-wobble-wobble-wobble-ting.

What? No Boom? Oh, yeah, a semi was still headed their way.

On the semi, John crossed steel with the Gray Wizard again. The pipe was nicked deeply along its length, not up to much more fancy dueling. Looking for something else to fight with, the Goon noticed that traffic had really thinned out. In fact, save for the Minivan From Hell keeping up with the semi-truck, there wasn't anybody else on the road. More thinking revealed that the driver of the semi had leapt out, likely a little spooked by the light-show and fight on his rig.

"Great, all we need is a conveniently placed roadblock and we have the makings of a lot of pain... or a great action shot." Then John glanced down the road, to the wrecked Chevelle against some construction equipment. To the Wizard, "Well, it's been a pain in the ass. So long, sucker!" John took flight, arcing smoothly to the side to put distance between him and the Wizard, and get a better angle on the coming plume of fire.

In the wreckage of the Chevelle, the goons stirred. "Paaaaiiinn..."

"If we heal from this we shall be unto Gods! Or rather, I will."

"Andy."

The larger Goon grabbed the rearview mirror off of the dash to see who or what might have followed them into the construction area. "WOO-HOO! More power-ups!"

"My muscle car just became a compact! I'd like a moment of silence!"

"If I may say a few words?"

"Sure."

"A. Semi. Truck. Is. About. To. Kill. Us."

"Amen."

"What about our nuke?"

"What? You mean that thing that flew through our window and skidded a hundred yards that-a-way." Jared idly pointed at the cylinder half-wedged under a box van. "Fail-safes. We can pick it up later, or steal from the warehouse where they keep the rest of our confiscated stuff."

"Well if there's no boom, I'm out of here." Andy quickly disappeared thanks to an Instant Transmission.

"Hey!" Jared quickly followed.

The Crazy Old Man was suddenly very alone on top of an out-of-control truck, noting that traffic had thinned out to nothing, and both his opponent and comrades in the Minivan From Hell were gone. The truck was rapidly approaching a construction zone with some nice concrete barriers-against which the smoking wreckage of a red car could be seen-and it was time to be scarce himself.

Then he saw something he might use. He took a giant leap and grabbed a wire hanging out of a box-like object with about twenty raised buttons. This object with small blades whirling in a frenzy boosted its own power to stay aloft and drifted away from the highway moments before the Semi crashed into the wreckage before it, blew its fuel tanks spectacularly, ruining its unidentified cargo.

A few miles away, Vikki drifted low over a small playground. The blender's defensive systems were running low on power. As the device came within a few meters of the ground, the Crazy Old Man let go and landed easily. Suddenly seventy kilos lighter, Vikki rocketed away.

The Old Man smoothed out his robes and summoned his staff. Pretending to be enfeebled again, he hobbled to the street just as the Minivan from Hell pulled up. The door opened automatically and he entered. The door shut behind him, and he froze. Around him, his Fellowship lay bound and gagged, minus any hair on their bodies. Panic rose as the driver's chair spun around.

In the seat was one very familiar lady. Fury blossomed in the Major's eyes and an old-fashioned razor blade was in her hand. "Scream."

Meanwhile, Jared pulled at the surprisingly tight ropes binding him to a metal chair as John continued to ask him questions from the other side of an annoyingly bright lamp.

"Why were you racing through Tokyo with a Chinese N2 device?"

Jared shrugged as much as he could in his bonds. "There weren't near enough car chases in the last episode." He ignored the ceiling tile that bounced off of his head.

John continued, as the ceiling was not defective. "Be that as it may, it was a very poor choice of activities. The Angel could come any day now. Is the program ready?"

"That, I suppose, is the good news." The blonde goon was suddenly loose, and held up a CD. "In case of Angel attack, insert into non-organic slot. Pure genius is not for everyone, free rides for the Ladies."

"And where is your partner in terror?"

"We're not partners! We just have parallel goals for the moment."

"Well?"

"Maybe he's sneaking up behind you for an ambush so he either defeats you or gets pummeled so badly his power-level increases dramatically."

A long moment passed with only the air conditioning making any noise.

"That's silly. You're silly."

John tapped a button on his desk, which turned on all of the regular lighting in the office, and switched off his desk lamp. Not one second later, a huge ninja burst through the vent in the ceiling.

"JOHN GENONI, PREPARE TO DIE!" The ninja screamed in Andy's voice, swinging a metal pipe wildly at thin air, then dashing from the room.

John blinked.

Five seconds later, Andy entered through the door whistling innocently and adjusting an imaginary tie. He nodded at the other goons-not remarking upon Jared firmly secured to a metal chair with fuzzy pink handcuffs-and sat quietly at his desk to begin going through some forms on his own desk.

John glanced down and frowned. "I didn't put you in handcuffs."

"Oops. These are mine."

"Waddell!" Andy announced loudly, then left for the door.

"Oh, right. Gotta help Andy wash somebody's dog."

Andy was halfway out of the room when he stopped suddenly. Jared froze in place a half step behind him, fuzzy handcuffs partially tucked into a pocket. John looked up from his paperwork and all three spoke with one voice.

"Dew Sense... Tingling!"

As China and Japan were not currently engaged in open war, and only some construction zone outside of town was affected by the explosion and energy battle on the public highway that morning, a party was in full swing.

The off-duty bridge crew had showed up along with a few bodies from Section Seven. Kaji had followed Ritsuko in, who was himself tracked by Fuyutsuki to the festivities. At some point the Children had arrived, along with Kensuke and Hikari as the area was essentially open to the public; being next to the PR department was a bonus in some cases. A couple of Beta-4 badges hung around their necks to ward off security. Misato had elected to organize the event in celebration of the return of her ride. She's thrown larger parties for lesser reasons, so no one's asking questions.

The music wasn't loud and booze was bring-your-own-and-keep-it-hidden. So the fare was largely microwave nachos and some pop from the vending machines. Although a large selection of pop was present, no one touched the Mt. Dew. Like superstitious villagers the partiers picked from anything but the green-yellow ambrosia.

Then Kensuke grabbed a can and pulled the tab.

The hiss of escaping carbon dioxide echoed throughout the large room. The music slowly died as Kensuke did the Dew. Soon, only the sound of Aida's swallows were heard, and the party-goers stepped away from him in fear. Shinji, forever spooked by any green soda, tried to shout in warning, but his voice failed him.

Done with the can, Kensuke crunched it to show off his fragile strength.

A collective gasp passed through the throng of people.

Not noticing the sudden attention, Kensuke aimed the can and tossed it into the recycle bin.

In the silence, the crash was as loud as a train wreck.

Kensuke was suddenly in Misato's hands, not in a good way.

"FOOL OF AN AIDA! Why did you drink that?!"

"I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking. I-"

doom.

Every head snapped to attention, ears straining.

doom. Doom. Doom.

"They are coming."

Andy's Viking Slave Drum beat increased in speed and volume.

Doomdoomdoomdoomdoomdoomdoomdoomdoomdoomdoomdoomdoomdoomdoom.

Taking action, Kaji rushed the door and hit the open button. A fraction of a second later he hammered the door close button as a trio of paint pellets hit the open doorjamb. As the door closed, Kaji leaned against it as if to deny the aggressors entry. His face pale, he announced dumbly. "They have a cave troll."

A few seconds passed while the crowd processed this information. Then the bridge bunnies bolted through the room's only other door in a panic and locked it behind him.

Misato stabbed futilely at the door's security panel while shouting at Ritsuko. "Why do they have a cave troll?!"

"Some of our geneticists got to talking and got to drinking and..."

"Nevermind! Sub-commander! Keep the children to the door. Makoto, Shigeru, Maya! Get that door open! Everyone else, get ready!"

Misato drew her standard-issue, as did Kozo and Makoto. Kaji joined them, ignoring glares that suggested a Japanese Government representative shouldn't be armed. Ritsuko drew her .666 Desert Eagle recovered from Super-Chibijin Andy, and also brushed her lab coat back freeing her light saber.

DoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoom.

DOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOM.

Silence.

"The dew." Rei announced.

Ritsuko glanced at the table where the cooler of drinks was resting. Now only a sheet of paper remained, bold black letters visible to all.

SUCKERS!

Brushing aside Kozo's warding hand, Rei walked to the table and picked up the note. She glanced at the open ventilation grate directly above and smiled. Turning the note over, she pondered the English letters before trying to sound out the foreign language.

"died y-yow re-ar-ree e-expest-"

Asuka stormed over and tore the note out of Rei's hands to read it. "Did you really expect to get away with serving Dew at a party we aren't invited to? Consider your party crashed. Thanks for the pop." She snarled, crumpling the note in a fist. "I'LL KILL THEM!"

Misato pointed a finger at Kaji. "You said they had a cave troll!"

Visibly confused, Kaji opened the door and looked into the hall. Everyone else quickly joined him. In Kaji's defense, there stood a very realistic cardboard cutout of a Tolkein-esque cave troll. Being shot at by paint pellets at the same time would cause anyone to jump to conclusions.

"You mean there is still a cave troll down in the science division?!" Shinji shouted.

"Of course not." Ritsuko made a dismissive hand wave.

"But you said..." Toji began.

"There are a thousand projects in the science division. We research every topic known to Man! If they really had a cave troll, then it would have come from there, but since they don't have one, then we obviously don't have one."

"That doesn't make sense!" Asuka protested.

"Put differently, they steal all of the cool stuff. They haven't stolen it yet, so we don't have it."

"Yet," Misato added.

Ritsuko threw her hands into the air at the mutiny. "Forget it! You kids have a synch test in thirty minutes, and you civilians are out of here!"

Misato holstered her side arm. "I'm forced to agree with Dr. Akagi, I'll escort you kids to the surface."

Kensuke kicked at the floor in disappointment. "Aw man! I thought I was invited here to become a pilot."

"That'll be doomsday." Toji joked. "Thank you for coming down, Hikari-chan."

"Oh, thank you for inviting me, Suzuhara-san. It was... exciting."

From the back, Shinji muttered, "Yeah… exciting. That's the word."

Toji and Hikari stood uncomfortably for a moment before Misato cleared her throat and ushered the class president away. Toji watched Hikari look back at him before she entered a nearby elevator. Then the jock punched the wall.

"Damn it! ...OW!"

"Well, I guess we should get going ourselves-huh?" Shinji stopped, staring at Rei. She had backed Asuka into the wall and whispered something in the redhead's ear. Rei then walked away as unreadable as ever, while Asuka's blank stare registered with Shinji.

Toji followed Rei out of the room, rubbing his knuckles. Shinji grabbed Asuka's hand and followed a large distance behind.

After a few paces, the Third Children whispered, "What happened?"

"Nothing, baka."

"What did she say to you?"

Asuka was quieter. "Did anyone laugh?"

"Huh? When?"

"Did anyone laugh whenever I tried to read kanji? Before the lessons with Psycho Sensei, I mean."

"No, no one really noticed if you had trouble. Not that you had many reading opportunities in class. Hikari usually passes reading off to Toji to make sure he's paying attention, if you didn't notice."

"No, I noticed. It's just that..."

"What?"

"The short answer, Ikari, is I owe Wondergirl an apology, but am scared shitless of her right now."

"Oh. Well, don't worry, I'll stand by you. But we better hurry."

Asuka looked at him. "You're the one slowing me down, baka."

Above the now empty hallway leading away from the remains of an office party, three huge figures clogged the ducting.

"Should we get going now?" John asked.

Jared shrugged in the tight space. "Naw, let them wait a little. I mean, we know what's coming up right?"

Andy tried, but failed to sound wise. "If so, then the Angel won't be far off. We must be through with the testing first, to afford us the best position."

Jared pulled out a sketch. "Speaking of positions, I came up with this one... Guys?"

Below, John and Andy had already landed in the hallway.

Suspicious, "You've been acting differently recently, Mucha. Are you a spy or clever robot sent to infiltrate our group?"

"There's always the Question to verify who I am."

"That you know about the... Question grants you safe passage for now."

Jared dropped into the hallway as well, silently. "What question?"

"Just a little something Andy and I cooked up in grade school before you showed up and ruined our lives."

"A lark, hah! See Jared tomorrow and you would find him a grave man..." Jared stumbled as if suddenly stabbed in the gut, and gasped for effect. "I am wounded! A curse on both your houses!" He 'fell' to the floor in rough approximation of death.

John and Andy offered a polite golf-clap over their 'fallen' comrade.

"But seriously," Jared held up the sketch. "The best position."

To be Continued...