A/N: A one-shot that takes place before the events of the 2001 movie "The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring".
Wrinkles only Go where the Smials have Been
"Over here, Sam!" Frodo Baggins shouted to his friend that had just walked in the Green Dragon Inn. As Samwise Gamgee stood below the fish that was mounted above the door, he scanned the room until he found Frodo sitting at their favorite table.
In truth, any table was their favorite as long as it was in its current form with Frodo, Pippen Took and Merry Brandybuck all sitting around it with a mug of ale in their hand and a spot for a fourth friend open. Such a spot with such company was greatly appreciated, and Sam waved an acceptance to the invitation before bashfully gathering his drink from Rosie Cotton behind the bar. He muttered his thanks awkwardly and turned his back quickly to hide his embarrassment as he found his way to the table.
"It's about time Sam" Pippin said with a grin "we just about gave up on you."
"At least you missed me" Sam said as he took a sip.
"Oh, don't worry about that; we would have looked you - after we finished our drinks" Merry added, winking at Frodo.
"It's alright Sam, don't listen to them; they don't understand the concept of work" Frodo said in support of his friend.
"We understand work," Pippin solemnly explained "we just don't necessarily agree with it..."
"...and it doesn't agree with us either" Merry finished.
"If you two would put as much effort into work as you do avoiding it, you'd really amount to something" Frodo said as he grinned.
"What it would amount to is less time for a bit of drink and a smoke; I might even miss a meal" Merry said, the thought haunting him.
"You see - it almost made Sam miss our gathering entirely" Pippin agreed. "Tell us Sam, what was so important that it almost kept you from joining us?"
"It started out as a simple thing" Sam said as he set his drink on the table. "My front door was hard to move; the thing kept dragging on the ground when I'd go to open or close it. I thought I would just trim a little of the wood off the bottom to fix it, but I'm better with plants than boards. When I put the door back together again it was even worse; somehow the top AND bottom were hitting now. It would have been a lot easier if the door was straight instead of round."
"A straight door?" Pippin remarked. "On a house? I've never seen such a thing."
"Most doors outside of the Shire ARE straight" Frodo explained matter-of-factly. "My Uncle Bilbo said he saw lots of them on his adventure; they're almost all a rectangle" he said, drawing the shape in the air with his hands.
"If that's the case, I wonder why our doors are round then? If they built a door frame with straight edges, they could make a straight door too" Sam muttered, thinking of the trouble he had earlier.
"My Uncle told me why it is" Frodo explained. "It was in the time of his grandfather's grandfather's grandfather. Mayor Broadbeam was, by some accounts, the widest Hobbit that ever lived."
"You mean he was fat," Merry giggled and then continued in a lowered voice "even wider than Fatty Bolger I'd wager."
"Not to his face you wouldn't. But he had a hard time with some of the narrow doors of the time; without saying it outright, a few of the businesses started using nice wide round doors as a way of welcoming him into their establishments. They in turn were favored in certain matters when the Mayor had to make choices; so much so that everyone else followed suit. The tradition just continued from there because it was too much work to change them back, even after the Mayor's almost as wide son held the position for some time."
"That's not what I heard" Merry interjected.
"Oh, so how did you hear why it is?" Frodo asked as he leaned back with his arms crossed in front of him, daring his friend to come up with a better explanation.
"The way I heard it, there were once two Hobbit brothers that were born at the same time; in fact, they were connected at the hip" Merry said, slapping his side for emphasis. "Where one went, the other had to go."
"Together?" Sam asked incredulously. "Everywhere?"
"Sure, that's what Great Adamanta said. Well, since they had to go everywhere together you can imagine they would always need two of everything. But they always had trouble getting through their own door, so one day they decided to make it round so that they could both fit through at the same time. They were carpenters and so they started making their special doors for everyone else" Merry stated proudly with a smug look on his face.
"Why not just make the door bigger instead of round?" Frodo asked.
Merry's grin faded. "How should I know? It was a long time ago; maybe they didn't have our good sense."
"I heard that Great Adamanta said it all was because of ale casks" Pippin said in disagreement. "The way I understand it, they were trying to move some large barrels of ale into storage and couldn't get them through the door. They started using round doors because the barrels would fit when they laid them down on their side on a cart. That's why it's not a perfect circle; the bottom is still flat."
"Barrels of ale?" Frodo asked. He looked across the room and saw the fronts of the casks that dispensed the liquid libation that Hobbits so loved. They were rather large and round - the tale had at least a hint of similitude. But if you looked at the horseshoes nailed at various points around the ceiling beams you could assume that the Green Tavern once served horses as well as Hobbits within its walls, and you didn't find a horse in the tavern now.
"Piffle!" Gaffer barked from the next table.
"Excuse me?"
"Poppycock and rubbish. Hobbit doors are round because we live in the ground; if a smial is round, then it's going to take a round door to cover the hole. Always have, always will. End of story." The other older hobbits at his table gave a chorus of approval with "Tried and true", "You young'ins don't know" and "Ask again in fifty years".
"Well, that's not very interesting" Merry observed.
"...or entertaining..." Pippin added.
"...and much too simple a tale to tell among friends..." Frodo offered. What about the above-ground houses in the Marish?
"...and it didn't help me none to fix the door either" Sam finished as he drained the last drop from his first mug. Around the side of the upturned vessel he peeped at Rosie and averted his eyes when she looked in his direction. "The only round I'm interested in is the next one."
The End
A/N: I heard someone once ponder why the doors in the Shire were round; the movies certainly didn't say and knowing a little about woodworking I would rather work with a normally shaped one. I promised in my previous Hobbit story to one day come back to this idea and so have finally done so. I didn't know that their holes are called smials.
Of course, one can imagine the "respectful and courteous" debate this would have been created on Twitter were such a thing around in the Shire!
The title is a play on words from the Mark Twain quote, which among other places is used in the song "Barefoot Children in the Rain".