"This is terrible. Why are you even writing? The character is terrible. Stop writing you piece of s***. If you continue I'll f*** find where you live and kill you." Did I hit a little too close to home with this story, anon?
[spoiler] So people don't seem to understand that this is parody. The MC is meant to be terrible. Yes I know people don't go out of their way to attack trees. No this is not the whole story. [end spoiler]
I will repeat. To all the people like anon up there: The character is meant to be terrible. This is a parody. If you don't like it, feel free to send me a PM about how much better you are than a joke MC, and I will be more than willing to incorporate in the story of your miserable life.
When Calca Calca Kelart Montserrat was born, her father scoured the land for adventurers that could change her into a boy. When that failed, he returned home and downed himself in ale for six days and six nights. On the seventh day, he woke up to the drunk realization that despite the fact that Calca was a girl, she could still carry on his name. And so, after fighting with his wife for nearly eight years, Calca Calca Kelart Montserrat became Calca Philip Custodio Montserrat.
Calca's mother died shortly afterwards. On the day of her funeral, Calca's father somberly spoke to an empty audience about the life of the world's second greatest paladin. Second to who? Calca had ask, and her father had pulled her out from the earshot of her mother's dead body and proudly proclaimed, second to me. It was on that day that Calca vowed to be better than her father, to be the zeroth most powerful paladin in the world. She would make a name for herself.
Calca trained hard to be a paladin. Every day she would head into the forest to attack the trees. Trees were evil beings, always taunting her with their long brown claws and dense armor. Her father never understood why she always returned home dragging behind her the corpses of the evil trees. It's the middle of summer, he would say. We don't need any more firewood. Calca usually ignored him, he was clearly trying to hold her back. That was his greatest mistake. Nothing could stop her from becoming the zeroth most powerful paladin. Not even the Sorcerer King himself.
Her efforts brought her nowhere. No matter how far she went on her father's land, no matter how many tree monsters she slayed, she was always known by the people as the great genius Philip-kakka's daughter. A part of her wanted to behead them for insubordination, but the other resisted the idea. They were still human after all, and the blade she had inherited from her mother could only work on evil beings. Like trees.
And so, Calca dedicated herself to clearing her father's land of the tree monsters. She was a bit over halfway through when the villagers finally took up their hoes and gathered at her home. They had stomped and waved and Calca had stomped and waved back. She was beyond elated. Her actions had been so powerful that these peasants— these poor, helpless peasants— were now motivated enough to join the fight.
High on success, Calca opened a window to bask in their cheers.
"That girl—"
"Monsters running out—"
"No place for the pigs—"
"—can't find food!"
Food? Pigs? Are they planning a feast for me? Ahh…they're ruining the surprise! Calca immediately shut the window close again. A great smile was on her face as she clasped a hand to her heart.
To have so much support already...I thank you, my people. But you are mistaken. I cannot rest until the world is purged of all evil.
Author's Note: To be updated at irregularly irregular intervals
Didn't follow Maruyama's writing style this time oops
Setting the scene: Occurs on Philip's land, vol. 14 hasn't happened yet. Philip's dad is probably dead I haven't decided yet lol