Just when I thought I could be done with using Deadpool for this kind of thing. But some people apparently have no lives, so they have to make those around them miserable.
Over the last several weeks I've been getting harassed by a guest on Assemble. I say a guest because it's obvious it's the same person, not only from the writing style, but because they say the same thing every time even if the message is always a little different. And I wasn't going to do this, I wasn't. But this guy apparently just can't let things go or understand simple things like 'don't like, don't read'. So here we are. Enjoy.
A young idiot, I mean boy, groaned as he came to. Or would have, had his mouth not had duct tape over it, so he let out a muffled groan instead. As he realized his position, he tried to yank his hands up to remove the tape, but discovered his arms and legs were bound to the chair he was in with rope. He let out a muffled scream for help as the lights suddenly flickered on.
"Oh good, you're awake," a man in a red and black sit with Katanas on his back said as he walked in, hearing the boy say something against the tape on his mouth. "Who am I? I'm Deadpool; you might recognize me from my own movie trilogy where I was played by Ryan Reynolds. But that's a story for another time."
Deadpool suddenly pulled out one of his Katanas, grabbed a sharpening stone off a nearby desk, and bean to sharpen his blade.
"As for why are you here, it's because you pissed off the wrong guy, the guy who brought us together: an author who prefers to be known as Stand with Ward and Queen," Deadpool said before he put the sharpening stone down. "You've been harassing him for a number of weeks now. And it's obvious you're the same person; given you usually say the same thing over and over again. Well, Stand has reached his limit and so he reached out to me to have a talk with you. So, I'm gonna make you a deal, you young idiot."
Deadpool then pulled out a chair from the desk, pulled it over until it was a few feet from the tied up young man, and saw down so they were facing each other.
"I'm gonna take the tape off your mouth and give you a chance to defend your stance. And if your stance is stupid, well, you won't like what happens after that. You'll have sixty seconds, so make it count," Deadpool said before he ripped the duct tape off the boy's mouth.
"Stand with Ward and Queen is clearly an idiot who knows nothing about Marvel comics. He should just stick to DC and discontinue stories like Assemble," the boy said.
For a moment, Deadpool just stared at him. Then, he laughed. A crazy, unhinged laugh that would make the Joker envious and made the boy nearly wet himself.
"That's it? That's your excuse for being an idiot? Oh god thanks for the laugh! Stand was right, you are an idiot!" Deadpool said with a laugh. "You are so off the mark it's funny! And even if you were right, I missed the part where there was this unwritten rule that said someone had to be an expert on Marvel comics to write an MCU story. And haven't you ever heard the expression 'Don't like, don't read'? Seems like a pretty simple concept. Your logic has all the maturity of a thirteen year old on the computer in his mom's basement. Bet you feel good about yourself, huh? Acting like a coward and harassing Stand from a guest account? All you've done is show how immature and pathetic you are. This kind of stupidity calls of a special kind of punishment, one so severe even I can't stand to bear the sight of it. Farewell, you young idiot."
Deadpool then walked out, leaving the boy alone. Then, he heard it. It was faint at first, but then it got louder. Once he realized what it was, he desperately tried to escape, but it was no use.
"Baby, baby, baby, oooh! Like baby, baby, baby, nooo! Like baby, baby, baby, oooh! I thought you'd always be mine!"
The boy let out a scream of pure agony and terror as he begged Justin Bieber to stop his horrible music. But Bieber continued on.
"Oh for you, I would have done whatever. And I just can't believe we ain't together."
The boy desperately moved his chair, trying to free his hands but only succeeded in knocking his chair on the side. He hoped he'd be knocked out, but as luck would have it, he was still conscious and subjected to this torture.
"And I wanna play it cool. But I'm losin' you. I'll buy you anything. I'll buy you any ring."
The boy let out a scream of madness, banging his head against the floor, desperately trying to knock himself out. But he only succeeded in giving himself a headache.
"And I'm in pieces, baby fix me. And just shake me, 'til you wake me from this bad dream."
Finally, the boy managed to knock himself out, freeing him from any more torture.
And when an anonymous call would be placed and the boy would be locked, he would be taken to a mental asylum, where doctor were baffled by his screams of madness whenever the radio would be turned on.
There, now I feel better.