Fandom: SVU

Title: Every Ending, Starts a New Journey

Chapter 1: Where it all began

P O V: Amanda Rollins

A/N: Slight cursing, and trigger warnings for descriptions in a flashback to Amanda's rape. Please be patient with this fic it will in time be a Rolivia fic but this chapter focuses on Amanda and her Marriage. I promise plenty of Rolivia on the way. Pls, do not PM me saying you don't want to read about Amanda with someone else. This will Be Rolivia just give me time. As usual Iown nothing else just original characters.

New York Police Department

Special Victims Unit

167th E 51st, New York, NY 10022

May 2020

"So that's it? Does the creep just walk, no questions asked? Nothing we can do about it?" Officer Katriona Kat Azar-Tamin slams her pen down on her desk as we collapse in our chairs, attempting to fill out these DD5 before the end of the month deadline. "It sucks no question, Kat, but our victim refuses to press charges."

"Because she's scared or intimated, Rollins."

"Yes, Kat, I get that, but we can't force her to testify or press charges for that matter. There's no evidence the person she suspected of raping her acutely did the crime. He has an alibi; she was drunk off her ass, doesn't remember anything. Alex won't pursue it."

"So he walks?"

"Yeah, Kat, he walks unless new evidence comes to light."

"This blows why does she have to prove that she was the victim of a crime? We don't ask someone who was robbed to prove they were robbed; we don't ask assault victims to prove they were assaulted. Rape victims have to prove they were fucking raped?"

"That pig pinned her down, Rollins." Kat slams her hands down on my desk, startling me away from my computer. "He held her arms above her head, forced her legs open, and violently raped her. She has to live with this forever, but he gets to walk a free man!"

"Yes, because we can't prove he is guilty women lie and miss- accuse all the time if we take her word and he's innocent his life is ruined. For what revenge a jealous ex? We don't know the whole story; our investigation hit a wall. We did everything we are allowed to do."

I'm getting to her. I can tell the nervous glint in her eyes, the tense posture she wants to say something smart ass to me so bad, but she knows I am right. "I get it, Officer Tamin, it's the worst part of this job when the victims don't get justice. Real Law isn't some 45-minute cop show it's messy, painful, rarely justice."

"Officer Tamin." Our Captain's voice edges over our conversation, "Yes, Captain?" "Take the rest of the shift off, go to the gym box it out. Take a deep breath, do not argue with a superior officer ever."

"Especially when your losing," I mutter, earning a kick from our Captain Olivia Benson even though she smiles the whole time standing against my desk. Her hand resting lightly on my shoulder as her eyes level into Kat's. "Is that an order, Captain?" "Yes, officer, it is." Kat's less than thrilled as she stomps out of the squad room. My laughter bubbles beneath the surface of my lips. I have to fight not to twist into a smile earning a playful slap against the back of my head from Liv. "Be nice, Rollins; you've had your hot-tempered moments."

"I can't help it, Liv she's a boiling pot with a half crocked lid if you can't handle my steam get off my burner."

She rolls her eyes laughing. "Well, since you have so much steam Rollins get your SH-R-49 waivers, MIL, EPOs on my desk by the end of the shift, as usual, my dear, you are the last one."

"Copy that Captain, don't forget you and Noah are coming over tonight for dinner. Gulliver is bringing home a girl he wants us to meet."

"Oh, I haven't forgotten sweetie, all Noah will talk about Gulliver's girlfriend ever since Chelsea taught him that new dance; he is over the moon."

"Noah's amazing Liv, you are doing an amazing job with him." Olivia's smile lights up her whole face as she places her hands over her heart. Thank you, Amanda, you have no idea how amazing that makes me feel. It's not easy to raise him on my own. you're so lucky to have Zane to help you out."

Her heels click as she walks away to her office. I should be typing up my reports, but there's a heaviness that has settled over my heart. The picture sits on my desk next to my Taxidermy squirrel, grabbing it I glance it over. It's unreal just how much time has changed everything in just a little over a year.

My family and I on stage in Rio de Janeiro last summer. Zane's arm wrapped around our oldest daughter, who stands in the middle between us. Eos is 24, a beautiful mix of her proud papa and me. She had her daddy's height 5'9, my slender figure we both have a 34A cup size, 24-inch waist with our hips 35 inches. Thank god she stopped stealing my bra's. I could never keep them in stock. Her hair has a mind of its own, but like mine, it gets frizzy and huge when it's humid. Unlike me, though, she has her dad's dark frosted brown color, which she highlights blond. Those eyes though, are all mine deep cyan ocean waves. Vibrant and full of laughter as she clutches her guitar, her head back in laughter. I don't remember who said what only that she laughed like crazy.

I can remember the audience laughing along with her. All 35,000 in attendance, for the festive, that her band was headlining. Eos is the lead singer of one of the world's most popular country groups on the charts. Concrete Country has been together for over ten years and professional touring and recording for over six years. They're working on their fifth tour this summer. I haven't seen her since last summer since she lives in between La/ Nashville. I miss her like crazy we both do, but I couldn't be prouder of my little girl for following her dreams.

Next to Zane is our middle child, our son Gulliver Brantly who is turning fifteen this summer. It's incredible how much he's grown in a year. He went from a tween to a young man who is ready to start dating and bringing young ladies home to meet his parents. He's almost taller than I am, this past year he has begun working out training so he can join the Marine's when he turns 18, he wants to follow in his dad's footsteps.

His Hero.

On my left side is our youngest Annabelle Taylor who is nine years old her and Gulliver both have my blond hair while he wears his as a sharp side part to his left side, buzzed slightly on the right, Anna has grown hers out, last summer she was sporting a bouncy ponytail. Both of them were balancing guitars like Eos was. "Beautiful family Rollins, honestly it makes me smile each time, it's inspiring that you and Zane have Eos so young at only sixteen and have made this work. Most marriages would have ended in divorce, not you two, the two of you have something extraordinary. It shows on your smiles, the laughter you are all so happy."

Yeah, we sure look happy in that picture. No one could ever guess that Anna had just started her second round of chemotherapy and had been throwing up on the car on the way to the stadium to see the festive or that she had been up all night in horrible leg pain. I had stayed up to comfort her neither of us getting any sleep or food. The camera only shows our smiles; it only captured that one moment. They don't show what was going on in between those flashes.

It didn't capture Gulliver's face when he saw that video posted online that his ex-best friend plastered all over social media. Gulliver being bullied by his classmates, it didn't capture his tear-filled eyes when he saw the comments his so-called friends made about him or the cruel meme's they created.

The camera doesn't show how it hurt my heart to see my son struggling with that pain, the humiliation. We're smiling for the camera, but inside I was dying. The camera never showed Eo's reaction when her girlfriend dumped her via text seconds before she had to go on stage. It didn't show us holding our beautiful, strong daughter as she broke down, not understanding how someone could throw away three years for a contract.

The flashes didn't give me a reason as to why my husband, after twenty-four years of marriage, would suddenly decide to cheat on me. What was wrong with me, why wasn't he happy anymore? Why did he feel the need to pay for sex? He was never denied by me whenever he wanted; he got it, so why did he need to pay? Was I not good enough in bed for him anymore? Not pretty enough? Smart enough? Was I too bright for him, is he intimated by me?

Did I devote too much time to my job? Too little time with my family? What was the final straw? Was it Anna's relapse? My head hurts thinking about it; even my jawline is tense-fully tight. Breathing is hard to process. "Rollins?" Jumping slightly, I grab my desk, "Yes, Captain? All done, sorry I spaced out a little. I have a slight headache."

"I have some Excedrin if you want it, Rollins?" "God, yes, I would love it, Liv." I press print as I get up to follow her into her office. "Want me to bring anything tonight, Amanda?" "Alcohol, plenty of it, please." Her laughter calms my nerves, "Relax honey; Gulliver's a great young man. I'm sure he'll choose a wonderful young lady."

"It's not his choice of girls I am worried about it's his choices he'll make with the girls; he's a fourteen -year old boy nearing fifteen. I know what I was doing at that age, he's not thinking with his heart, he's feeling his emotions with his penis."

"That may be true, Amanda, but he also has your head, your manners, everything the two of you taught him. He'll be alright no matter what he chooses. Don't worry so much."

"Wait till Noah's a teenager Liv, I'll remind you of this conversation." Olivia is so close to me now I can smell her perfume, I don't know the name, but it's expensive. "Rollins, you need anything else, you look tired?"

"I am, but no, I'm okay, just that alcohol."

"I will make sure I bring an extra bottle for you to keep sweetheart. Want me to pick up Anna at dance when I get Noah? she's at the same studio today, right?" "Same building different studio, she's at advanced hip-hop, Noah's in ballet, but they get out the same time."

"Do you need to call them to give them permission?"

"No, you're on the list of people who are allowed to pick up any of the kids. You are their godmother."

Her arms wrap around me tightly, rubbing my back. "Who would have thought ten years ago we would be in this place."

"Neither of us, I am sure. It feels good though Liv, I'm heading out need to start dinner."

I'm startled by the on-slaughter of pouring cold rain bouncing off the buildings. I am pulling my hoodie over my head. I start the ten blocks to my apartment, cursing myself out for choosing not to drive to work today. Lighting up a cigarette is almost impossible, yet somehow thankfully, I manage to do it.

By the time I make it home, I'm drenched to the bones cold as ice every bone and muscle hurts. My chest is tight between the smoking and the freezing rain. "It's about time you make it home, Amanda!' The sound of slamming fists mixed with my husband's angry drunk voice causes me to jump. I almost don't duck in time before the folder flies at my head. Are you fucking serious?

Jumping back my back hits the wall, I breathe out, staring into his eyes, which are filled with anger. "What are you mad at, Zane? You know I was at work."

"So, you say, Amanda." "Excuse me, Zane? Do you think I am lying? Oh, that's rich coming from you. Where's Gulliver?" "Out, he doesn't need to hear this. Don't change the subject, Amanda." I can smell the whiskey on his breath as he advances towards me. "Divorce papers Amanda, are you kidding me? What happened to the vows we made? Did they mean anything to you?"

"Yes, Zane, they did. They meant everything to me. What did they mean to you? Nothing were they just some poem that sounded cool to you? Did someone dare you to marry me? Was this some kind of sick joke. See how long you can trick the dumb blond into staying faithful?"

He looks genuinely lost, but I'm too angry to care now my blood is boiling. I've thrown my purse and coat on the floor. I'm glad I don't have my gun with me. I wouldn't be able to hold my finger off the trigger. "Oh, you want to play dumb Zane? Fine, let's talk about not honoring vows." Grabbing a folder from the closet which Alex Cabot has copies of, I shove it at him. "We both walked down the same aisle in front of families and friends. We made the same promises to each other, to the church to GOD!" I'm directly in his face now.

"To love, honor, cherish to be faithful!" except I'm the only one who kept them!" Shoving the contents towards him, he jumps back, shocked as the pages fall out. Photos of him and his mistresses the credit card charges, he gulps casting worried, angry looks towards me. "What happen Cat got your tongue? Or is that the Chlamydia that one of your whores gave you." "Bitch, you want to play this game? Because I can lay your shit out on the table at your feet all day. You think I wouldn't figure it out?"

"How?" his voice breaks his posture weakens "Jesus, you can't even be a man now you want to act like a kicked puppy. Are you serious? How did I find out? I'm a fucking cop for Christ's sake! I make a living out of busting dumb ass bitches like you. Say something! Admit what you did god damn it "speak bitch speak! You can dance in those sheets, but you can't admit it to your wife?"

Throwing my hands out, I look to him, "Speak bitch, this is your chance tell me what is it about me that made you cheat on me after twenty-four years and three kids."

My face is slowly flushing fists clenched body shaking, staring at him. All he can do is stare at the pictures. I can't read his eyes or understand what he is feeling. I use to be able to read him like a book. Every emotion I could feel it before he thought it. Now I can't all I feel is anger stone-cold busting doors down bronco riding wild seething anger. I need a reason I need to know what is it about me that caused him to break his vows. To break apart our family.

My head feels as if I am floating above this scene. My legs and feet tingle I am nausea, dizzy, I can't come down, not until I hear his answer. "Am I not pretty enough? Smart enough? Thin enough? Funny enough, do I not dance enough, laugh enough, or make dinner often enough? Did I spend too much time at work not enough at home? Am I not funny enough? Are you not happy with our sex life? Do you want to try something kinkier? Are you over my blue eyes?"

"No, Amanda, none of them. You're precious like a rose; you're smart enough, you are sweet as American honey, you Amanda have the most amazing laugh, your sense of humor is golden." "I can still feel everything; I felt the first day I saw you in the spring of '88." "You were running through those wheat fields barefoot in that little yellow sundress, that golden hair flying as your sister chased you." "Both of you reaching your pudgy little fingers up for that butterfly, which flew just a little too high out of your reach."

"I can hear your laughter as if it's calling me now like an old lost friend. I can picture you in 97 when I asked you to dance at the homecoming game." He steps closer; I step back, confused as to where this is going. My migraine is worse now. I can barely draw breath. My chest is tight. I'm hot, sweaty, and cold at the same time. "So why?" I whisper my lips chapped. There's a haunted look in his eyes that scares me. It's almost calling to me to help him, except my confusion is too pure. It's burning through my brain, causing my blood to boil in anger.

"I don't know, Amanda. I can't explain what I don't know. All I know is that it's not you. I know this doesn't help much or offer much in the way of explanation." "No Zane it doesn't it's not like it was one time, you cheated on me all year, with various women. Until January, then all of a sudden, it was one woman, one fucking woman, and if that's not the kicker." I charge at him grabbing his hand, yanking at his ring finger. "You pawned your wedding ring so that you can buy a new one for your new baby, mama! Why Zane why?

He looks stunned into silence "Amanda," "Save it, Zane! I am a detective I did my research, don't deny it I have the proof medical records, bills, signed documents by both of you a marriage certificate so when were you planning to file for our divorce? Or were you planning to move to Utah and do the Polygamous route?"

"Those records are private Amanda; you have no right! I can have your damn badge for this!" Rolling my eyes, I huff, "Save it, you lost the right to privacy when you cheated on me and try to report me to Olivia, she'll kick your ass for what you're doing to me. I'll have the entire fucking NYPD on your cheating ass. You won't be able to sit on a bench without a brother or sister in blue on your dick. Try me, bitch."

"Don't worry Zane I'm done I'll sign the papers and take you for everything. You can have your brand new life with your little whore and bastard child. I promise you, though, the kids are staying with me, and you're telling them what you did and why we can't be together anymore."

"Of course, I will Amanda because God knows you never take any responsibility for anything in your life. You always have an excuse for everything you blame your castle walls on your shitty childhood. You blame daddy for your addictions. Your mama is to blame for making you so bitter and cold. Oh, and let's not forget dear old Patton. You walked right into that hotel room, knowing what that pig wanted. You were ready to cheat on our vows for your sister, yet I am the whore."

His voice deepens growling as he pins me against the wall. I'm suddenly scared the whiskey hits me stronger my whole body tightens thinking of that evil monster. My breath catches, I swear I feel his hands on my body. Hear his southern drawl as he calls me darling.

My lower lip quivers aching from the sting of his hand against my face, pain bust inside my head as I feel it hit the backboard. I feel my knees buckle as he slams his in between mine. My hands are pinned above my head. "Look in the mirror Amanda, the pots calling the kettle black, oh, but wait that didn't count; you didn't cheat Darlin."

How can he use one of the most horrifying humiliating experiences of my life against me? I'm numb, can't think or breathe, I really can't breathe. I can feel myself starting to hyperventilate. My body feels like a shell; my brain is shutting down. Every emotion, anger, shame, guilt, sadness, and confusion are retreating to that castle wall. I thought I had shattered them six years ago.

"No, Amanda, your not a whore; is that what you are going to say? Of course, even though it wasn't your fault or your choice. No that was Kim's for putting you in that position, It was Patton right because you didn't walk into that hotel room. It was Patton he dragged you threw you on the bed and hit you."

"You didn't break your vows, Amanda, did you? Answer me, bitch! No, you were a victim; he raped you." "So you say, yet you never reported it, never told anyone not even me your husband! No, you kept silent; it wasn't rape, maybe you enjoyed it." His hand grabs at my lower region between my legs snapping me out of my trance I shove my knee hard into between his. "It was rape; you're an asshole; maybe I didn't tell you because I was ashamed maybe it's because I knew you would never support me."

His hand hits me across my face so hard we're both stunned into a stupefy. I can't breathe or form words bile rises in my throat as my knees give out, I can taste the blood feel the stinging starting across my face. "Get out." my hand comes quickly to my burning face. "I'm sorry, Amanda, so sorry I never meant.. something's wrong with me ever since I came back from Iraq. I need help; I'm not well. I will sign the papers; please tell the kids I need to talk to them. I'll explain everything after I get back from this tour. Tell them I love them, and I am sorry. Amanda, you didn't deserve any of this, I am sorry."

"Get out now!"

He rushes out, leaving me on the floor cold, shaking in fear, pain screaming as all the rage comes soaring out of me. Curling up on the floor, I start to cry my throat feels as if it's being ripped from its skin. Where did it all go wrong? How did I miss it?