He needed to apologize to her. She just wanted to protect him and he pushed her away for doing the only thing that was right. Harvey was known to do stuff like this.
Not knowing how to channel his anger and accept others help, needing to do everything by himself because he didn't trust anybody. Only had faith in him. Even though with Donna, it was different.
With her a lot of things were different.
She knew him better than he knew himself and she just wanted to help and fix it because he screwed up and wanted to take the blame for someone who wasn't even worth it.
Contrary to him, she saw the bigger picture and most importantly, she could read people better than anybody else. If it wasn't for her, he would've been in serious trouble.
Thats why he put all his pride aside to do something very unusual for him.
Admitting that he was wrong and showing her that he valued her and what she did because he knew he didn't do that nearly as often as it would be appropriate.
She was standing in her little bullpen office wearing a tight fitted light grey dress that made her fair freckled skin look radiant. Her hair was tucked behind her ear and he saw her defined side profile as he was approaching her bullpen office from the opposite direction of his.
Donna looked absent minded, busy with filing some complex protocol. She had the habit of chewing on her lower lip when she had to focus on something important but only Harvey had noticed it right from the beginning when she started working for him.
He noticed all the little details about her and in her behavior despite not being the most observative person overall but at her he just couldn't stop looking.
Of course he wasn't capable of admitting that.
Harvey didn't say a word when he walked around the bullpen office to enter it.
More importantly, he didn't know what to say, he wasn't good with apologies and telling another person that they were right and especially with Donna he didn't know how to say it.
He usually wasn't one to be at a loss of words but she always managed to throw him off the tracks.
Donna was still standing, sorting out the documents on her little table ordering another legal secretary to take them to the file room.
Harvey didn't know her name. Truth be told, he barely knew anyone's name at the office just because Donna knew and that was enough.
Without Donna he wouldn't be where he was today.
She might've not gone to Harvard but she was more than partly responsible for him making partner in the first place, so he needed to do this, so she would know how much her actions and opinions mattered to him and that he shouldn't have been so harsh with her.
Things have been icy between them the last few days.
Barely talking and having as few contact with each other as possible. She was forced to walk into his office a few times to hand him some files and they avoided eye contact at all costs. He only looked at her when she was leaving the office. His gaze was following her until she arrived at her desk carefully forcing herself not to lift her eyes from the boring papers in front of her.
Usually she wasn't the one to avoid the conflict but she didn't want to fight with him because once they started, one thing added to another and they were yelling at each other about the only thing they were so carefully avoiding.
Donna was still busy figuring out the order of the files when Harvey sat down on her chair. He noticed that he never sat there before and it was forbidden territory for most of the people. Maybe it wasn't the best idea to break the boundaries she was so strict to keep up but he was coming in peace with the hope to leave their disagreement behind.
He was looking around waiting for her to finally notice him. The firm was getting emptier as the evening was striding forward and the lights had already been dimmed in most of the offices.
He had been sitting there for a while when he realized that she actually didn't notice him. They were mere feet apart from each other when she contemplatively made a step backwards to sit down on her chair.
She was so absent-minded she didn't sense him behind her.
It was where she never would've expected him. Most of the time they met up in his office for obvious reasons.
Then everything happened so fast. She stumbled, expecting a chair underneath her but that wasn't the case.
Harvey must've moved it when he sat down. She let out a little scream and out of reflex he stretched out his arms to get hold of her waist to catch her fall.
She shrugged when she felt his hands wrapping around her small waist. Once she realized what had just happened and who was there to catch her, she tried to relax which wasn't easy because she freaking fell on top of Harvey's lap.
"I got you, Paulsen", he whispered.
His lips were placed right next to her left ear, his head resting on her shoulder and he made no attempt to loosen his firm grip on her waist. Neither did she move an inch away from him. He could smell her perfume and was too mesmerized by that to add anything to his smug statement.
Their height difference was now more significant than ever when he was hugging her from behind.
Her hair was tucked behind her ear which revealed her neck and Harvey just couldn't stop staring. He hasn't been so close to her in such a long time and all of the sudden every moment from the other time that he tried to suppress so bad started flashing through his head.
How they fell asleep in each others arms late at night.
How he subconsciously pulled her closer so her head was resting on the crook of his neck, always wanting to be closer to her than their boundaries had allowed it.
"Harvey?", she broke their rather comfortable silence.
There were so many questions she was so desperate to ask.
What has he been doing there and what was more a question she could ask herself, why weren't they putting an end to this but truth be told, neither of them dared to.
"What are you doing here?", she finally let out when he made no move to say anything, it wasn't really a question but she didn't really know what to say, which didn't happen really often.
"Just here to catch you", he added and he could sense his smug look on his face behind her. Ever since she fell on top of him, their position hasn't changed.
"You know what I mean", she rolled her eyes and placed his hand on top of his. It happened without her thinking much about it but it had his effects on him. His heart skipped a beat and he saw it as a sign to pull her closer and wrap his arms entirely around her.
"I came here to apologize", he gave back with a soft voice.
She didn't know what to say, being so close to him made it hard for her to wrap her mind around the things that were just happening.
"You were right, I was an idiot and I shouldn't have treated you like that", he continued. His voice has gotten lower and it reminded her of the morning voice he had after the other time.
"Yeah, you were", she sounded thoughtful, maybe a little starstruck.
"You know, I realized that I made a mistake and I am sorry, you didn't deserve that, can we go back to normal, to how things were before?", he added with a questioning tone.
He hated himself for the choice of words. If they were anything, it wasn't normal.
"Sure…normal", still lost in her thoughts.
Normal was hard for them. They simply didn't do normal and no matter what they tried to tell themselves, whatever they tried to establish as normal, surely wasn't and most likely never will be.
"You know what I mean, Don-", but she had already interrupted him.
"Yeah, I know how you mean it", she gave back quiet but still firm. She felt the disappointment grow in her heart and she hated herself for it. This situation was messed up and she shouldn't make a big thing out of.
Them being so close to each other was special to her, but clearly not to him. She tried to tell herself that he did this all the time and it didn't mean anything.
Something like this must've happened when Scottie was there a few weeks ago and with whatever women in his past and she tried not to jealous but that was simply impossible.
That was why she removed her hands from his to get up which she should've done a long time ago.
But it was too tempting to be this close to him.
"Stay…", he just whispered the words into her ear and softly pulled her back into his arms.
Her eyes were closed and she was trying to organize the millions of thought that were running through her head.
"You know I can't", she gave back after what felt an eternity to her.
"Why?", he knew why but he had to try. Suddenly the urge to be even closer to her grew and he felt like with her leaving, the opportunity from them ever being together would slip away forever.
"You know why, Harvey", she still hadn't moved one bit from him, but was on the verge of setting an end to this.
He placed his head back on her shoulder and buried his nose in her hair to have her linger on him as long as it would last.
She would leave any second but than she didn't.
For now at least. Instead she took his hands and wrapped them around herself even tighter while leaning back, her head resting against his shoulder
"One minute", she said in a soft voice but he could hear the sadness leaping through.
One minute with her was all he had. All they had and all she was able to give him without giving in.
How did they let it come so far? All of it started with him wanting to apologize to her and now they were here.
So close, too close for their normality.
Time stood still.
She had closed her eyes to cherish every tiny second she was with him because after this they would pretend that it never had happened. They would go back to normal and ignore all the suppressed feelings that were fighting not to reach the surface.
The same went for him. As cheesy as it might sound, he hasn't felt that comfortable with someone since the other time and he never wanted to be closer to anybody than to Donna.
"We should-", she couldn't finish her sentence, trying to loosen his hug around her but she failed again.
She just couldn't.
Moving away from him went against every fibre of her body.
She lost herself in his arms again and she hated herself for it. It was irresponsible to let it go so far because once they broke the boundaries they could never go back and she knew Harvey. He wasn't the guy who wanted to commit to her and that's why he would want to go back.
But what about the things that she wanted?
After the other time she once told him that she wanted to try and she regretted that ever since. Not because she didn't mean it but because she must've known that he wasn't ready for a relationship with her and that was risking their entire friendship. A friendship that was there because it was the closest to a real relationship and they weren't ready to take the plunge. At least that's what they've been telling themselves.
He chickened out when she told him and regretted it ever since. He wasn't the one to question his life decisions but with that it was different. After that she was his one that got away. The one who would've been so right for him.
But he was afraid. Afraid that he would hurt her and push her away. He didn't want her to leave him and that would inevitably had happened.
They lost track of time again and she felt her moving forward and gently pushing his hands away. She didn't say a word and got up slowly. This wasn't supposed to happen and with every centimeter she moved further away from him the hurt in her grew and her eyes started burning.
Was it always supposed to be that way?
Will they forever run away from their untold feelings and desires?
Harvey got up as well and pushed the chair into her bullpen office. He really didn't know what to say and that was part of the problem because he never knew, even when she needed him to say something so badly.
"Donna-", he voiced, desperate for her not to walk away, he couldn't handle that for sure.
"Why do you want me to stay?", she gave back, knowing what he was thinking but she didn't get her hopes up.
She knew he wasn't good at all this stuff.
"You know why", he said and took a step closer.
"Apparently, I don't", it physically hurt him to see that she was so unaware of how much she meant to him.
Without saying a word, he took another step towards her that she could feel how his nose buried in her hair again.
"Getting an idea now", he added as he approached her further, letting his hands rest on her waist one more time.
She didn't flinch a bit under his touch, still fighting the tears that were burning in her eyes.
"But you can't say it, can you", her voice sounded broken.
"I-", she was right, he couldn't and that was part of the problem. In fact, it was the one thing that was keeping them apart more than anything else.
"-cant say it", Donna finished his sentence for him but she didn't know was that he didn't want to say that. He wanted to tell her how he felt but screwed it up once again.
"That's not a surprise", new tears built up in her eyes and she was about to walk away for good this time when he grabbed her arm and gently pulled her around.
They were face to face with each other.
She stared down, she didn't have the fight in her to look him in the eyes. Everything that was happening right now was too much for her.
"What is this supposed to be, Harvey?", she was tired of this. Tired of this push and pull between them, but never colliding. They always were so close but it was never enough, both of them too afraid of might happen.
Because they could never go back. There were times where he didn't care, where he just wanted to be with her but he never pulled through with his intentions, out of pure respect for her. He wouldn't only screw with his life but with hers as well and she was too important to him to hurt her because he knew for sure that his actions have already caused her too much pain.
He didn't dare to answer to her question, one of the reasons was that he didn't know the answers himself.
That's why he only took one step closer, placing his hands on her waist one more time. They haven't been this close since the other time and he was well aware of that.
After what felt like an eternity, she gained all of her courage to look up. They were like magnets pulled together by some force of nature but pushing each other apart at the same time. This time they were losing the fight.
She lifted her arms to his chest. From this second on her mind blank.
He lost himself in her hazel eyes, searching for reassurance of what he was about to do.
This was selfish of him but if there was even the smallest chance that she might feel the same about all of this right now, he was willing to take it.
Without thinking it through any further he leaned down and gently started kissing her. It took her a few second to realize what was happening and he was fearing that she might push him away but she leaned in further after a short moment of hesitation. Pulling him closer by wrapping her arms around his neck, she deepened the kiss.
They both missed this. It's been seven years since the last time this has happened but nothing and so much has changed at the same time. They were in and out of love with other people but never really loved any one else the way they loved each other. They loved each other too much to let any of this happen before but now that they were letting their guards down there was no going back.
They might have to break boundaries, make amends and fight if they wanted to make this work. But would it really be love if it wasn't hard?