Strange to admit, but, In the beginning, when the hybrid Stricklander was just a fledgling within the Janus Order, these sorts of missions were easier. Speed often made up for Inexperience. And The expectation for novices was to Get in, Get it done, and Get out. Simple. There was no need for extended lingering with their human cousins. No need to connect. Human lives are often so blatantly inconsequential in the grand scheme of things, that it made it easy.
Easy to drift in and out of their dreary existence as if they meant nothing at all. And for the longest time, they didn't, especially not to him. One doesn't become the Head of the Janus Order by being sentimental. But with time, comes experience, and with experience, longer missions. Pretty soon nothing is simple anymore and if a changeling is not careful they'll find themselves entangled and trapped within too many lives, and maybe, quite possibly, reconnect to their own humanity in the process.
The charms he have are a good thing. A necessary thing. It's not even a difficult thing to do, all he needs is a brief moment of distraction and a slight of hand and it will be done.
So why are you hesitating? Walter asks himself as he glances down at the totems in his palm.
"He just keeps disappearing on me for hours at a time," Barbara's voice pulls Walter back to the present. Her red lips pressed down in a frown while she stirred her tea a tad too vigorously.
"And today," She looks up at him waving the spoon around in emphasis. "I told him he was grounded. And then he walked right past me."
Barbara lays the utensil against the table forcibly, and looks Walter in the eyes, desperate frustration and worry lay within those deep blue eyes. Stricklander feels another line of guilt wrap around his heart that tightens uncomfortably. He forces himself to hold her gaze and closes his hand over the charms.
"As if I had no say in the matter. I just- I don't know what to do."
"You're doing the best you can."
"I just feel like I'm losing control."
"Barbara," Walter says firmly but gently, ignoring how heavy and uncomfortably warm the totems in his hand are starting to feel. "Sometimes, you have to focus on what you can control over what you can't."
Take your own advice then, fool. And be done with it.
"I know, Walter." She sighs and then see does something unexpected. She reaches out and gently pulls his hands into her own.
The totems flare up in his palm. He should pull away. Instead he leans as close to her as the table between them allows.
"You're right. Thank you." Barbara's hand smoothing up and down his own, her warmth a pleasant contrast to the heat of the totems. She smiles, " I really like spending time with you."
Her smile and her words...are... genuine and something else twists itself around his heart, some emotion he can't quite identify. Even as the intensity of the charms grows painful and despite it, Walter finds himself smiling back at her. Before he can say anything in response to her though, her phone begins ringing.
"Oh, I'm sorry." Another smile, apologetic her hands leave his to reach for her phone. The urge chase after her departing touch surprises him and Walter has to force himself to lean away as she turns.
"Hold on it's the hospital."
"Of course." He nods despite the fact that internally he's fighting a war.
He looks at the Totems.
Get on with it…
Walter hesitates, the mere idea leaves a thick acrid taste in his mouth. Goes to reach over to her tea cup, catches the small upturn of her lips as she types a response to whoever called her and … just… can't … do it. His hand drags itself back before he can really comprehend what he just did. Or rather, didn't do. And then, for good measure, without really thinking about it Walter crushes the totems to bits in his fist. Their remains slip between his fingers like sand in an hourglass. Strickler stares slightly panicked, as the wind carries the dust away. He had hoped to buy some time, to give him some room to regain some control the situation. Time he now has make do without.
"Well, I do have to get back to work, but I've got a few more minutes."
He looks at Barbara. Deep red hair lit by the fading light of an late afternoon sun turning it a gentle copper. Blue eyes, Lapis, his mind corrects quietly, that light up at the sight of him when she turns back around. Her gaze has his initial reaction of panic subside and as a fond warmth spreads through his chest, Strickler can't really find it in himself to regret the decision. In fact he feels lighter than he has in ages.
True, there is a high percent chance that this will fall to shambles later. Young Atlas might act impulsively before Walter can convince him otherwise. The Order might catch word of it and dispose of him. If that does become the case, Walter had no doubt Barbara, if he were to suddenly disappear, would ask questions. Questions that she may never get answers to. But it will be better. Better than the alternative… if she found out whilst bonded to him. Walter thinks, hopes, prays, that maybe she'll suffer less for it. Better to be the man who left and not the monster who stayed.