I Was So Unsteady
It was such a rainy day. Steve stood at one of the walls of windows, watching the rain fall. It had been raining for several days. Steve had gotten restless after a couple days of it, but now he had settled into it. He didn't know how long he had been standing here staring out, but he didn't really care. He watched the puddles grow larger, the rain cascade down the window, the wind blow the trees. He was oblivious to the world for now, and he liked it that way. His headphones drowned out the sound of nature and put him in a musing, peaceful mood. He hardly registered the music, really, it was just the smooth beat and his gentle breathing.
A glance down at his phone, realizing he'd been through two of the albums on his phone already. He sighed gently, realizing he should probably head back to his room. It was a big compound and he had probably been missed already. But he couldn't tear himself from the peace and steadiness of the moment. A new song started playing and this time the words and melody flooded through him, keeping him there. His eyes fluttered closed and he lost himself in the song.
Hold, Hold on, hold onto me
Cause I'm a little unsteady, a little unsteady
Hold, hold on, hold onto me
Cause I'm a little unsteady, a little unsteady
Mama, come here
Approach, appear
Daddy, I'm alone
Cause this house don't feel like home
As lost as Steve was he didn't notice Bucky slide through the door frame behind him. Bucky stopped himself from calling out to him when he noticed the headphones over his ears. Bucky had been worried for a while, when he couldn't find Steve. It had been almost a year and a half since he had moved into the compound but he still found it unsettling to be around the other Avengers without Steve, his presence kept him from slipping. Slipping back into the soldier had finally turned into less of an instinct and more of a symptom. It was what told Bucky that he needed to find Steve before he went over. Even just listening to the rain mingled with Steve's steady breathing settled Bucky when he finally found him. He slowly walked toward Steve, keeping his steps light and even, not wanting to draw attention quite yet. He loved watching Steve when he was like this. At peace, steady and strong. Bucky stopped a few paces just behind him, watching his shoulders rise and fall with his breath. Bucky tried to match him, trying to slow his heart rate.
Steve didn't notice Bucky's presence until he stepped up beside him. Steve looked over at him, surprised to see Bucky equally lost in thought, his eyes distant as he stared out the window as well.
If you love me, don't let go, woah
If you love me, don't let go
Hold, hold on, hold onto me
Cause I'm a little unsteady, a little unsteady
Hold, hold on, hold onto me
Cause I'm a little unsteady, a little unsteady
Steve considered slipping off the headphones, Bucky normally didn't track him down unless he needed him, but Bucky seemed okay, his breathing was steady, his posture relaxed. So Steve relaxed again, lost in the music as he enjoyed simply the presence of his best friend.
Mother, I know
That you're tired of being alone
Daddy, I know you're trying
To fight when you feel like flying
That line hit Steve particularly hard, his eyes suddenly prickled. Memories rushed back as he realized that key moments in his life were the times that he fought, even though he felt like flying away instead.
But if you love me, don't let go, woah
If you love me, don't let go
Letting go. Steve had let go several times. He had let go of Bucky on the train, never even been able to hold onto him before he fell. He had let go of the will to keep going when he dropped that plane into the arctic. He glanced to his left to watch Bucky for a moment. His head had dropped to stare at the ground, his left hand gently rubbing the back of his neck. Steve watched his face in the reflection of the window, somber and quiet.
Hold, hold on, hold onto me
Cause I'm a little unsteady, a little unsteady
Hold, hold on, hold onto me
Cause I'm a little unsteady, a little unsteady
Hold, hold on, hold onto me
Cause I'm a little unsteady, a little unsteady
The song came to an end. Steve slipped out his phone again. He quickly added the song to his personal music library before slipping the headphones off.
Bucky lifted his head to look over at him. "Good song, huh?"
Steve chuckled. "I guess I've just been pensieve, it's been a while since any of us left the compound."
Bucky nodded, his eyes clouded suddenly. "Yeah, it's been a rough couple of days."
Steve turned to take in his best friend completely. His left hand was relaxed at his side, but his right hand was clenched in his jacket pocket. His eyes were dark and tired. His relaxed posture was forced.
"Are you okay, buddy?"
Bucky glanced at him, then back outside. "What was the song?"
Steve recognized the change of subject and let Bucky have it. He shrugged, turning back to the window. "Nat introduced me to a new rock group. It's not really heavy rock, I don't really know what it is, but it's nice, almost meditative. The song is called Unsteady. I like it."
He slipped Bucky the phone from his pocket, and held out the headphones as well. Bucky hesitated then took both, slipping the headphones on as he swiped the phone open. Steve watched his best friend as the song started. His eyes flickered shut, his head dropping again slowly, his breathing got a little more erratic, and Steve knew his control was slipping. He stepped sideways until his shoulder gently bumped his buddy's. Steve didn't know what had caused Bucky to track him down, but it was obvious he needed him. Bucky's head came back up gradually, focused and back under control, the simple touch seemed enough to settle him.
Steve focused on the rain outside as his friend continued to listen to the simple music. Steve was surprised after a few moments of silence when Bucky slipped the phone open again, almost without looking at it, to restart the song. Bucky slipped the phone into his jacket pocket, and shifted his weight to put more pressure on Steve's shoulder as he continued to listen to the headphones. Steve returned the pressure, until they were basically holding each other up.
Bucky finally slipped the headphones off and let out a heavy breath, as if he had been holding it in.
"You okay, Buck?" Steve tried again, his worry growing for his friend.
Bucky chuckled shakily. "I don't even know what okay means anymore, Steve. I've been unsteady for too damn long."
Steve almost chuckled at the song reference, but stopped when he recognized the broken tone it was said in. "You're here now, Buck, I'll always be here to hold onto you."
Bucky looked over at him. "Till the end of the line?"
"Till the end of the line, Buck."
Bucky glanced down at his hands, his left hand gripped onto the headphones, the whirring of the machinery brought him back to why he sought out Steve in the first place. "You always steady me, Steve, always have. I missed you while I was…. Him."
Steve rocked away from him in surprise, and Bucky instantly missed the contact. "You remembered me while you were him?"
Bucky chuckled a little. "I tried to, I knew there was some stubborn blonde ass out there who was fighting for me, even if I forgot about him eventually."
Steve found his throat tight as he tried to reply, trying to think of something to say.
Bucky suddenly straightened his shoulders. "I remembered something new the other day. I wanted to tell you about it, is that okay?"
Steve shifted his weight to bring his arm back against Bucky. "You know you can always tell me whatever you need to."
Bucky sucked in a breath, almost as if to steel himself against the memory. "I remembered you for a long time. When they first brought me in, gave me the arm, tried to train me, I fought back, I remember fighting back in every way I could think of. I wouldn't follow the training, until they forced me to, tortured me until I did, then I'd screw it up on purpose. They finally told me that they would torture me, keep me on ice, force me to do their bidding, wipe my memories. Until I couldn't remember my own name. They always promised me that, that eventually I wouldn't be able to remember my own name. So I repeated it, but mostly, I repeated yours. I remember repeating your name, over and over, I pictured your face everywhere. The first time they froze me, your face was the last thing I saw."
Steve felt his mouth go dry, Bucky had never spoken of the time after he fell, only of his memories during his time as the Winter Soldier. Steve was shocked to hear that it took time to break Bucky. Even through the pain he realized he also felt a little bit of pride for his friend, he fought back, he was strong, for however long.
"I don't remember time, not in years or days, or anything. I remember time as your face, your name, your eyes. I knew time had passed, I wasn't as strong, when your face started to leave me. I don't remember when I forgot my own name, it wasn't important to me, as long as I had yours. I knew you would come for me, would fight for me, would save me. I couldn't let go of that. But it faded, and eventually I guess I did. It hurts to know that they finally took you away from me, after so long. I tried so hard to keep you with me. I knew you'd save me. You were the only thing keeping me steady, even as I lost my mind. Even after I lost you, I felt the loss, I knew I was missing something, missing my anchor."
Steve swiped a hand across his face, surprised to feel warm wet against his palm. His chest hurt, and for a second he recalled the asthma he struggled with before the serum. He cleared his throat but when he spoke it was rough and uneven.
"Did you ever forgive me? For not coming after you? I didn't even realize you were still there, I crashed that plane hoping to follow you. I can't believe I let you go for so long without saving you. I'm sorry, Bucky."
Bucky looked up at him, surprised to see the tears in his eyes, and he suddenly brought his hand up to take Steve's, squeezing his fingers limply before dropping them again. "There was no reason to ever forgive you, Steve, until I forgot about you, there was no doubt you were trying. I didn't know how long it had been, I just held onto you coming after me. And eventually you did, took you way too damn long, but you did. You got me out. You steadied me, Steve."
Steve couldn't take it anymore, the gentle words, filled with so much pain. He turned and wrapped one arm across Bucky's shoulders, pulling him firmly against his chest, his other hand coming up to wrap around the back of Bucky's head, pulling him even closer. Steve realized his breathing was uneven as he stared over Bucky's shoulder, taking in the words and emotions from the other man.
Bucky clung to Steve, his steady voice gone, he gripped the headphones with his right hand, his left hand jerked up and around Steve's waist, gripping tight to the back of Steve's shirt. "You always steadied me, Steve, you kept me going. I held onto you for so long, I tried so hard. I lost myself, but there was always you." His voice cracked and he fell silent, just holding onto his best friend and steadying himself through the contact.
Steve pulled himself away just a bit, not enough to break either of their grips, but enough to get a glimpse of Bucky's face. His eyes were closed tight. His breath coming in quick gasps, seemingly lost in the memories.
"Bucky, I won't let you go again. I'm sorry it took me so long. But I've got you, and I won't ever let you go again."
"I was unsteady for so long, Steve, I was so unsteady."
"Not anymore, I've got you."
They fell silent, breathing in the other, steadying each other through the contact.
Bucky finally dropped his arm, keeping himself close, but releasing the vice like grip.
Steve dropped the hand from Bucky's neck, but not from his shoulders, keeping him from moving away. But he realized Bucky didn't want to move away as he shifted his weight. Bucky looked up and caught Steve's gaze.
"You steady me, Steve, I was so unsteady, but when you hold onto me, I'm back."
"I'll always hold onto you, Buck, you steady me too. When I lost you I lost myself. I couldn't handle being without you. I'm sorry I didn't go after you. They told me not to and I listened. For once I listened, and it was when I shouldn't have."
"I never doubted you were coming, I knew you wouldn't listen when you found me. I knew they would have told me if they had caught you or killed you. I prayed for you, I prayed to you."
Steve felt his eyes prickle again and his breath caught.
"Sometimes I couldn't tell. I couldn't tell if I was praying you would come, or praying you wouldn't. I hate when you put yourself in danger, but I was so desperate, so unsteady, I just needed to know you were there for me, somewhere, trying to get me back."
"I was, Bucky, I tried, you were the first thing I thought about when I woke up after the ice. It hurt to think you were gone. But you weren't, and I don't know that I can forgive myself for leaving you alone."
Bucky finally broke free. The emotions overriding his calm exterior, and he realized he was desperate to slip back into the Winter Soldier, escape the pain. He focused on Steve's presence to keep him there, keep him steady.
Steve backed away, one hand lingered on his friend's arm, dragging down the metal surface to the fingers. He saw the battle in his friend's eyes and realized what he was fighting. He gripped Bucky's shoulder tight again. "Fight it, Buck, I've got you, you're here, I've got you."
Bucky looked deep into his eyes, his whole body tense. All the emotion, memory, and pain finally becoming too much. Steve leaned forward, till their foreheads touched, breath mingling.
"I've got you, Bucky. You are James Buchanan Barnes, I'm Steven Rogers, they don't have any hold over you, you're back, I'll always be here to hold you steady."
Bucky sucked in a deep breath, and suddenly his body went limp, tension gone. He caught his balance against Steve and his breathing stabilized. "I know, Steve, I'm here, I'm back. Sorry, I just. That was a lot to remember. But I'm back."
Steve grinned, glad to hear the strength in his voice. Bucky looked up again. "Hold me steady, Steve, I can't do this alone."
Steve grinned, the relief flooding through his body. "I've got you, Buck. I've got you."