Wait for it

Love doesn't discriminate

Between the sinners

And the saints

16th of September 1995

Remus was pacing around his room at Grimmauld Place. He didn't know what to do. He could talk to Sirius of course but that would only get him a 'Good for you, Moony' and 'Go for it!'.

And that was the one thing he was trying to avoid.

She was too good for him; too beautiful, too kind, too young.

And him? He was old, poor, dangerous. He couldn't put her in danger, which was out of his control because they lived in a dangerous time, but he could at least try to protect her from him, even though he wanted her, he needed her more than anything.

A knock on the door halted his pacing.

"Come in.", Remus said. He knew who it was, the knock was too gentle for it to have been Sirius.

The door opened and the first thing he saw was bubblegum pink hair and ocean blue eyes. He was surprised to see her of all people.

"Hey, Remus. I brought you some dinner since you skipped it earlier," Nymphadora, the reason why he had been pacing and losing sleep lately, said.

"Thanks, that wasn't necessary.", he whispered, not trusting his full voice to give away the surprise he couldn't shake.

"Oh don't worry. I even managed to not trip over something at all on the way here. I swear nothing bad has happened to your food. At least not in my care," she laughed. God, he loved to hear her laugh.

Actually, he loved everything about her, but loving her was making his life painful and difficult. He wasn't feeling like that because she didn't love him back, because he really didn't know. He never confessed his love for her and he never would for simply one reason:

Why would someone as young and as beautiful and as talented as Nymphadora Tonks ever want to be in love with him, Remus Lupin who was not only poor and jobless but also dangerous?

Those things only happened in books and this wasn't one of those stories. This was real life.

He knew she pitied him, why else would she bring him food? He knew that was the only thing she felt regardless to him:

Pity.

She held out the tray that had his food on it and he took it from her, careful not to touch her delicate hands, and put it on his desk. "Thanks," he mumbled.

"You're welcome," she said and grinned. Why was she always happy? The few months he had known her he had never seen her sad or not smiling.

"Anyways, how have you been, Remus? I haven't seen you in a few days. Are you trying to avoid me?" She joked. At least, he hoped she was joking because he was trying to avoid her to get rid of his feelings for her but he really didn't want her to know that.

"Of course not," he answered and hoped his voice was strong enough for her to believe him.

"I was only joking. So, any new missions for you? I hate being on observations with Moody. He is no fun and way too serious about every little thing," she continued. And oh, he knew. He had worked many missions with Moody during the first war.

"I know. Working with Arthur isn't much better. He is an unbelievably kind human being but he's too obsessed with everything Muggle. And that's all he talks about," Remus said.

She laughed. He made her laugh. A little smile slowly made its way to his face.

We laugh and we cry and we break

And we make our mistakes

23rd of January 1996

He was a coward and an idiot. Probably the biggest idiot in all of Great Britain.

She had come to him earlier today saying she needed to talk to him and that it would be important, so of course he said he would meet her at her flat in the afternoon. It was important after all. He really thought it would be some Order business.

Little did he know it wasn't about the Order at all. She had made him dinner, she had actually cooked for him. Who knew she could cook? And it was delicious too. But it didn't matter in the end. She had told him about her feelings for him over dinner and he really wanted to jump up in joy and dance on the table but he didn't. He had just looked at her and kept his mouth shut.

Of course she had told him, 'It's ok. We can just forget about this whole thing. Get back to being friends and nothing more,' and he had just kept looking at her. He really didn't know what to say to that so he just left. He just Disapparated on the spot.

And now he was in the middle of nowhere. He was just glad he didn't kill himself while Apparating in such a state of shock. He should probably go back and explain his behavior but he was a coward after all. Why had the sorting hat put him into Gryffindor again? Next time he should really ask it that question.

He closed his eyes and Apparated back to Nymphadora's flat. He waited in front of the door for a few minutes while taking deep breaths. He would tell her the truth and it would break her heart. He was sure of it but it might just be what she would need to get over this little crush she had.

He knocked and didn't had to wait long before she opened the door.

"I figured you'd leave again," she said with a sad look on her face. He had never seen her sad and it broke his heart. But he had to go through with his little plan he formed only moments before.

"I was thinking about it. But I need to tell you a few things first before I have to go," he said.

She nodded and said, "Well, would you like to come in?"

He shook his head. It's easier just to get this over and done with, he thought.

"We can't be together. Never. I am too old for you, too poor and too dangerous. This would never work between us. You are an amazing young witch, you shouldn't have to worry about me. I'm sorry," he said without looking in her eyes, he didn't want to see her sad face or her tears.

To his surprise she laughed. He looked up. Has she gone mad? Maybe he should get Molly.

"Oh, Remus, you have no idea how loved you are, do you?" she asked, smiling. "When you're ready to admit how you really feel about me, I will be here waiting for you."

Death doesn't discriminate

Between the sinners and the saints

…

And if there is a reason I'm still alive

When everyone who loves me has died

30th of June 1997

First his parents when he was barely 17 years old, then James and Lily when he was merely in his 20's, then Sirius after he just got his best friend back and now Albus Dumbledore, even though he seemed invincible.

Everyone he loved died. Another reason why he should never give into Nymphadora and his feelings. He needed to get out, he needed to get away, but before he could apparate he heard someone behind him. He turned around slowly, wand ready in his hand.

"Wotcher Remus.", the one person he really didn't want to see and at the same time needed to see more than anything. Nymphadora Tonks, with her mouse brown hair, was standing in front of him, a sad smile on her face.

"Nymphadora, what are you doing here?", he asked, his voice shaking. She grimaced at the use of her name.

"I figured you needed someone to talk to. I know he meant a lot to you," she said and came a bit closer to him until she was standing right in front of him, until he could smell her perfume.

And then she did something he really needed. She threw her arms around him and hugged him and that's when he broke down. He really couldn't remember the last time he had someone hug him like that.

He never felt safer than in her arms and he could finally let go and cry.

He couldn't remember how long he was standing there in her arms, it could have been minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months. All he knew was that right at this moment he could just be Remus. He had no responsibilities, no Order business.

And he knew right there that Nymphadora Tonks would forever be in his thoughts.

I'm willing to wait for it!

I am the one thing in life I can control

3rd of August 1997

A few weeks later, after successfully avoiding her every chance he got, she cornered him after an Order meeting.

"I know you're avoiding me, Remus. Ever since I told you about my feelings for you, you barely talk to me anymore," she said and touched his arm in a loving manner.

"I am not avoiding you. I am just really busy with the Order.", he said and tried to move past her but she stopped him by grabbing his hand.

"Remus, I am not stupid." She laughed and shook her head. "I am an Auror after all. You're avoiding me and I know why. Now can we just get past all of this and give us a chance?" she asked. He had tried to be so careful, but right now he really just wanted to feel another hug from her.

"I have to go," he said and started walking away from her.

"I love you. And I know you love me too. So how about we stop being stubborn and try it. What's the worst that could happen? We could be happy together? We could all die tomorrow Remus. We are at war. Let just enjoy the little time we probably have. Together." she said, trying to keep up with him.

He stopped abruptly and she ran into his back. Before she could mumble an apology he had turned around. "Don't talk like that. I won't let anything happen to you or anyone else. I can't lose any more people than I already have. I can't lose you."

He was done running. She was right. They all could die tomorrow and he was done pretending to not have any feelings for her.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He was in control of his life. No one else. He should just live it the way he wanted to, right? And if there is a young, bright witch who wants to spend the short life they had with him, who was he to deny it any longer?

"Remus," Nymphadora whispered. "Look at me."

And he did. For the first time in a long time he looked into her blue eyes and didn't know what to say anymore. He had no more excuses so he did the one thing he had been thinking about since he was pacing in his room at Grimmauld Place all these years ago.

He kissed her.