First time writing for TWD because Caryl has been my ship since the start but I found it difficult to get into Daryl's head most of the time. Especially as he had, like, 3 words per season until now! This is set directly from 'that' scene in 10x14 where he symbolically moved the barrier between them and my heart shattered into a million pieces. Since I know (or 90% sure I know) there's not substantial Caryl in 10x15 like I expected I wrote this in my anxiety fuelled insomnia at 4am. Please be kind.
Charli x
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
It took every ounce of power and energy she had left to get herself to that gate. He saw her coming of course, he had posted himself on lookout and she began to tremble as he heaved the gate open. He was always there, keeping her head above water. She wondered often how much that had an impact on him and if he ever got lost on her sadness. That was part of the reason she needed to leave so often. She couldn't keep clinging to him for life.
She couldn't tell if she was shaking through relief or fear. Perhaps something else entirely. That entire lonely road she had rehearsed what she was going to say to him, how their reunion might play out but faced with the reality of it she found herself gripped by fear and exhaustion. She longed for him to embrace her like he used to do when she could feel his heart beating in his chest and breathe in the scent of his skin as she buried her face into his neck. She longed for him to scoop her off her weary feet and tell her she was safe, and he was happy to see her. She'd happily collapse into his arms right now, but she understood his reaction. She deserved his reaction and she had to be strong and accept that. Tears stung at her eyes and he lip trembled as she walked past him, avoiding meeting his eye. It took more strength than she thought she had left, and she could feel the intensity of his gaze almost burning her skin.
The silence screamed in her head, it spoke volumes about what they had gone through. They had never needed many words to communicate. They were so connected and in sync most of the time that a glance or a tiny movement would be enough to convey any message. They felt divided lately and she knew that it was mostly her doing. She was used to building walls, it was something she was good at, but she had never felt the need to with Daryl until recently. He'd spent a lot of time lately trying to hinder her defences. He'd consistently break down every wall she erected. She realised that nobody had ever cared about her enough to do that. She suspected that now she'd broken down that wall herself he had no interest in the other side. She was too far gone for any kind of redemption. Nobody wanted to play with a broken doll.
She shuffled towards their home, their safe place that shone in her dreams. She couldn't tell if he was following her, she daren't look back and confirm what she most feared; he had given up on her.
Her body ached as she stumbled through the door. Lydia sat at the table barely glancing up from the glass of water in front of her. Carol felt a pang of guilt. For all Alpha's many flaws she was still Lydia's mother and Carol knew better than most the pain of loving a person who did not deserve or reciprocate that love. She wanted to verbalise that but her body wouldn't let her. The stairs seemed to stretch ahead of her for miles each one sending shockwaves through her body. Daryl had stepped in a few beats behind her and he watched her with interest stealing concerned glances towards Lydia. Reaching her room felt like she had climbed a mountain and consumed by everything that had happened that day she could barely close the door behind her before she fell to her knees and cried. Deep, broken sobs that consumed her whole body and stole the breath from her lips. Silent screams seemed to consume her body, her heart shattering like glass repeatedly as she contemplated what she had lost. She was sure they could hear her downstairs part of her wondered if hearing her sobs would penetrate Daryl's new aloof demeanour at all. When he cried, she could feel his pain deep in her soul. When the sobbing finally subsided Carol lay there on the floor, her head pressed against the bare floorboards and her tears staining her cheeks. She could hear muffled conversation below her nothing specific but the sounds of domestic life seemed to soothe her to sleep. When she awoke it was from a nightmare, although this one was firmly rooted in reality, and she couldn't breathe. What if Daryl never spoke to her again? She could cope with most things but that did not even bear thinking of. She heaved herself from the ground, her dislocated shoulder significantly weighing her down. It was dark now and everywhere was still and quiet. Some people took peace from that, but it made Carol feel uneasy. It always had, her life was built on chaos and fear, she didn't know how to be content.
Quietly she peered out from her bedroom and crept downstairs. The remnants of the evening lay on the table, nothing significant but Carol was whisked back to her days with Ed where any dirty plates left lying around was grounds for a beating. It was hard to move on from that life, hard to reinvent a person who never really existed to begin with. She gathered them up and washed them in the sink, her own sorry reflection staring back at her from the window. She had hoped he would be sitting here, and she could get him to look her in the eye again. In the background his bedroom door opened a crack, a beam of light illuminating right to her feet like a neon arrow guiding the way. She was almost certain there was a shadow there. Carol took a sharp breath and turned around, but he was not there. The wind perhaps, or dog. She turned back to the window; her eyes pressed tightly together her knuckles white from gripping the side of the sink. Her mind was screaming at her, baiting her constantly with a barrage of insults and memories. She had fought many monsters but her hardest foe was always herself. Her time out in the woods had brought her clarity on the single most important thing to her. Or the single most important person at least. She knew what she had to do but something blocked her, rooting her to the spot just like it had outside that gate today when she wanted nothing more than to run into his arms.
Carol was not vulnerable like that.
She was a certified badass, that was the persona she played out to the rest of the world.
All except Daryl he always saw right through her.
Carol took a deep breath and cleared her mind, turning towards his door. Was there movement there? What if he was with someone? Carols mind instantly conjured up images of Daryl in bed with another woman. Connie perhaps. She could picture it so clearly it could almost be happening right in front of her. Her young, soft skin bare against his sheets, His hands sliding so gently down the length of her spine and his lips pressing against hers. She'd laugh as the bristles on his face tickled her cheek when he nuzzled her neck and their bodies entwined. A tear rolled down her cheek at the mere thought of this as she found herself standing at his door, the beam of light shining on her face.
Fear was a funny thing; Carol had lost the fight or flight response to fear a long time ago. Now she fought first then fled after. Right now, standing in front of his door in the dark about to confess things she didn't even know how to communicate every single cell in her body was trying to flee. She fought to raise her hand and knock on his door, hesitating as she hovered there with the coldness of the wood almost reaching out to her. She knew she couldn't take this back. Once it was out there, she was fully exposed. She trembled under the weight of all this, it would either pay off or shatter her completely and there was no telling at this point which way it would go. She contemplated turning around. She could go back to her room and pretend nothing happened; her soul would still ache for him but she wouldn't lose him. Her worst fear was always losing him. She subconsciously shifted her weight turning away about to run. Slowly she lowered her hand, a feeling of foreboding falling over her like a veil. In a split second she had gone from fleeing to standing toe to toe with Daryl Dixon.
Her heart began to race immediately, and her breath shuddered as he finally caught her eye. They stood in that moment, frozen in time for what felt like hours but in reality, was seconds. His eyes scanned her face, searching for something she couldn't put her finger on. His eyes always had a way of seeing her, the real her. Through all the pretence and the walls, He could see her entire soul. Daryl was midway through putting a shirt on, his hair was unruly, and a light sweat was glistening across his brow. He looked almost as tortured as she was. The pain she saw in his eyes was enough motivation for her to speak first.
"Can we talk?"
It came out like one big sigh; she wasn't even sure how to start the conversation but Daryl nodded and pushed open his bedroom door. Light spilled out onto her face and she took tentative steps into the room, glancing around to make sure her Connie hallucination had been just that. Dog was sprawled on the bed, which although untidy did not look slept in. Daryl's vest hung on a chair in the corner, she'd lost count of the times she'd seen those angel wings in her dreams. They'd become synonymous with him, a symbol that signified her home. Daryl sat on the edge of the bed, ruffling dogs' ears and observing her carefully. She walked the length of his dresser her fingers brushing lightly across the edges. The double acorn lay there, a memento of their long-awaited reunion. She wished she could have bottled that day, just the two of them without another thought in their minds. If she could live one day over and over it would be that one. A smile danced on her lips as she picked it up carefully.
"you kept it" she remarked, glad to find something to break the heavy silence that had settled between them.
Daryl almost leapt to his feet and stood by her side, gingerly removing them from her with a shrug. He turned it over in his hands, she marvelled at how it could look so huge in her hands and so small in his.
"For luck" he said before putting them in his breast pocket "remember?"
Carol nodded, of course she remembered. Once again, the silence enveloped them, he was watching her and despite trying to avoid his gaze she found herself drawn in and compelled to return it. There was such intensity in his body language that she could barely focus enough to breathe. They were drawn together, flame to flame. It was a powerful feeling that washed over her. A flood of heat and emotion. She had to grip onto his arm to stop herself falling . which had the opposite effect, the feeling of his skin shot lightning bolts through her entire body like all this time her senses had been asleep, and he had just woke them up.
"I'm sorry" she gasped, overwhelmed and afraid "About everything"
Daryl lowered his head and she lost his gaze for a moment. There was some relief in his eyes when he raised them back to hers. She could tell that he was waiting for her to continue but she wasn't entirely sure she could find the words. How do you apologise for everything you've ever done? He should have been her safe place and she was shutting him out.
"I know I should have told you...I just...I'm so scared of losing you"
Daryl shifted on his feet a little, Carol focused on the vein throbbing on his neck, she couldn't bear to see even a hint of pity or disgust in his eyes. More tears stung her eyes and she resigned herself to never having a conversation like this with Daryl again. She hadn't expected fireworks, he was and always will be a man of few words, but she had expected something. Even if it was aggression and anger. She could deal with anger the real punishment was the way he had given up on her.
Carol barely had time to form another thought before he enveloped her in his arms. She sunk into him, finally feeling like she belonged somewhere. Feeling safe and understood. Daryl slowly drew one hand along her back and into her hair. He breathed deeply as though inhaling the moment before pulling away slightly. Carol looked into his eyes, they shimmered with unshed tears and searched hers. She didn't know what he was searching for, but she hoped and Prayed that he found it. Daryl's thumb ever so gently wiped away her tear and he cupped her face in his hand. Carol was certain her heart would stop if this moment didn't end soon. She'd never felt anything like it her entire life. Her whole body responded to his mere presence with thousands of tiny fireworks, her brain processed and stored every detail. She knew if she were to die tomorrow that the last thought in her mind would be this exact moment. This gratitude, this feeling, this connection. Carol had never initiated first contact in any of her relationships. She couldn't honestly say she'd ever felt this depth of feeling for anyone so that was scary in itself. What she done next could have connotations for everyone but especially for her current relationship with Daryl.
Carol leaned forward. She could smell the sweat on his body, feel the heat resonating from him and see his chest rise and fall with his quickening breath.
Her lips met his, softly and nervously. She was testing the waters; she could still pull back and flee if he shot her down. There was still the opportunity to wipe it from her memory and pretend it didn't happen. She was good at pretending although pretending not to have a broken heart was always a challenge.
Daryl didn't withdraw in disgust as she expected. He tilted his head to meet her, opened his mouth slightly and even held her a little tighter.
"you'll never lose me" he whispered, barely audible and yet it hung in the air like it had been sung by angels.
Carols relief was immediate and obvious. He observed her for a second before pulling her close to his body and placing his lips firmly on hers. This was a definitive action and opened the flood gates on years of suppressed passion. He tasted of dirt and sweat. She'd never tasted anything quite as intoxicating. She slid a hand around his neck, tangling her fingers thorough his hair as her nails lightly scratched his skin. He let out a low growl of approval biting down on her lip. His hand slipped easily under her shirt. Another round of fireworks as her body responded to his touch tracing the shape of her spine.
Together the stumbled to the bed, Daryl sat, his arms still around her body and keeping her close. She looked down at him, her hands stroking his broad, firm shoulders a slight smile crossed her lips and then a pang of self doubt. Daryl began pressing kisses on her body. Travelling from her hip, upwards. She was certain he'd be a generous lover and despite her body screaming out for him her mind needed some closure first. Gently she pushed him back and took a step away. She could see he was confused, maybe a little sad but she owed him the truth about everything. An apology was never going to be enough; he needed her honesty.
"We need to talk" she commanded. Now that she didn't fear his rejection, she accepted that she didn't deserve it. She told him. Everything that he didn't already know. She told him about the prison, about Lizzie and Mika, she talked about the king and her despair over Henry. She told him about her regrets about Lydia and how she had feared Connie would have taken him away from her.
She had always valued him for his honesty but hadn't been able to give him hers in return. Partly because she did not want his pity but mostly because she was ashamed of the things she's done. She believed they were necessary but she still felt shame.
When she was done, laid bare and exhausted he gathered her in his arms and they slept until morning.
Carol woke to the sound of Lydia in the kitchen. Daryl was gone and she wondered if it had all been a hallucination again. She'd not slept that peacefully since she could remember. Confused, she looked around the room for evidence it had been real. For all anyone, including her, knew she could have just came down and slept in his bed. She could still feel his kiss however dancing on her lips. She could still feel the weight of his body pressed against hers all night.
She crept out of bed and to the door, she could hear him whistling as he moved around the kitchen. Dog at his feet as Lydia laid the plates. The sun shone in brightly from every window and the world just looked brighter somehow. Carol tried to creep out of the room undetected but a creaky floor board gave her away and both Daryl and Lydia looked up. She pretended not to notice the smile on Lydia's face as she shot Daryl a knowing look. His response confirmed it, the way he avoided eye contact with Lydia and suppressed the smile dancing on his face. He only had eyes for her. He pulled out a chair for her and nodded his head towards it.
"Morning" he smiled, tossing some food on each plate "pancakes?"