Out there, he is sarcastic and defensive. But confident. Always confident.
In here, he is anxious. He feels the walls closing in, he says.
"Hogan should have us out of here by now," he mumbles. "What's taking him so long?"
"He's working on it. He's always working on it," I tell him. One of us must be calm.
He's pacing. He's worse than Hogan when he's worried. Back and forth, back and forth.
"Yes, well he's got to work faster, hasn't he? Otherwise we're going to be here all night. Or for days."
"Two weeks, Klink said. But he was showing off for Hochstetter. It won't be more than a week. Hopefully less."
"A week? I can't take a bloody week!" He rattles the door. "Oy! Who's guarding us? Schultzie?"
"Shut up," comes a brusque reply. It sounds like Freitag. He's a bastard.
"Impressive how quickly they learn English," Newkirk mutters.
"Stop pacing. Sit by me." I pat the bunk where I'm sitting.
Newkirk looks but shakes his head. "Not now, Louis. I'm not in the mood."
"Not that," I assure him. We'll get to that eventually. When it's dark and the guards are gone, we can each make a fist to relax. But not now. "Just sit. Rest."
He paces a little longer, leans his head into the stone wall, breathes hard, and then comes to sit by me.
"It will be all right. It's always all right," I say to him. I drape my arm around his shoulder. He moves closer. He grips my hand.
"One hundred fifty," he says.
"One hundred fifty what?" I ask.
"Nights in the cooler. This makes one hundred fifty."
"You've been counting."
"Yes." He winces.
"That's a lot of nights."
"Mostly alone. I'm glad you're here."
Out there, he is sarcastic and defensive. But calm. Fairly calm.
In here, he is sweet and needy. He is falling apart.
He leans into me. He's big for me, but somehow I hug him to me.
"Tighter," he says. He's big for me— who isn't? But he's not that heavy. This part, I can do.
"Close your eyes. There's a good boy."
"Don't go. Hold me."
"Where would I possibly go? And even if I could I would stay here. Someone has to look after you, you idiot."
Out there, he is sarcastic and defensive. Headstrong and tough. Always tough.
In here, he is scared. He is my responsibility.
Out there, he is sarcastic and defensive. He needs no one.
In here, he is shaking. He needs me.
I am strong and patient. I can see us through another cold, dark night. I can see us through anything. I hold him close.
In here, he lets me.