A drop in the ocean,
A change in the weather,
I was praying that you and me might end up together.
It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert,
But I'm holding you closer than most,
'Cause you are my heaven.
-Ron Pope "A Drop in the Ocean"
I feel like a stalker.
Tossing her blond hair out of her face, she laughs loudly at her best friend and then she shifts her shopping bags onto her other arm to answer her phone.
And I'm watching her.
Stacy asks her if she needs any help and she replies that she doesn't.
And I'm still watching her.
She gets a pretty glint in her eyes and begins to speak in an upbeat voice.
And I still watch her.
Because I can't do anything else. I can't fathom the fact that she's with someone else. I've never been hers, she's never been mine, but I can't help it. I love her. I always will. And she knows it. She tried to understand.
She just couldn't love me back.
So, I tried to forget about her. I dated a variety of the divas, one of which I'm dating to this day. Hell, I even tried getting married. But every time I thought I was getting close to forgetting about her...to being happy again, I thought about her. I may be with Nicole Garcia right now, but...
Torrie Wilson's the one I love.
It's always been Torrie Wilson.
It will always be Torrie Wilson.
And since the day that I finally admitted it to myself, I've been following her. I've learned it hurts less to see her every once in a while then to only see her once a year - if I'm that lucky.
I don't know how I made it through that match at Wrestlemania 29. I hugged her boyfriend, I held her hand. And I just know that's what screwed me up. I couldn't concentrate knowing that she was right there, in the same arena as me, only a few feet away - and I still couldn't have her!
I hate her.
I hate that she cares enough to check up on me every once in a while. I hate that she gives me that fucking sad, pitiful smile. I hate that she pities me. And worst of all, I hate that she doesn't love me. Why? Damn it, why? It wouldn't be so bad if I could just move on, but I can't. And since I can't and I love her so much, she's all I ever fucking think about.
I've known her for eleven excruciatingly painful years. Since 2002. But I didn't work up the balls to tell her how I felt until 2006, when she officially divorced her husband. I even waited a little while to tell her after that because I knew she would need time to get over that relationship. And I'll never forget the way her face softened and the pity grew in her eyes. I'll never forget the pain in the pit of my stomach, like I needed to throw up, because I knew she didn't return the feelings.
"I'm sorry," she said, "I'm so sorry, John."
As it would turn out, she was dating someone else. A Spirit Squad member, and not even one that made it very far in wrestling. She was sorry that she couldn't love me back, but it wasn't good enough. It didn't make up for the fact that I had practically fucking ripped my heart out of my ribcage and handed it to her...and she just gave it right back. It's kinda like a kid feels when their parents don't make a big deal out of a drawing, only worse. I felt small and stupid and incredibly pathetic.
She could tell. "Don't feel bad, John. I'm sorry I'm not it, but there is someone out there for you."
And I know now that I should have just told her no. That she was the only person that I'd ever want. But I didn't. I only lowered my eyes, trying to hide my tears. I turned around and shook my head. I didn't start sobbing until I reached my hotel room, luckily. No one, not even Randy was able to get ahold of me for a couple days. I'm surprised Vince didn't fire my ass. He should have.
After that, I stopped giving a shit. I poured my heart into my job, which albeit, was a stupid idea, and in 2009, I married Elizabeth Huberdeau. I didn't invite many people I worked with to the wedding. Randy, Dave, Rey, Hunter, Shawn, Jeff, and Matt, and that was it. Seven. And I can remember my best friend asking me why I didn't invite Torrie.
"The same reason you didn't invite Stacy to yours," was my reply.
That wasn't exactly true. Randy didn't invite Stacy to his because he still loved her, yes. But that wasn't all of it. He'd actually dated her while I'd never even gotten the chance to kiss Torrie. Needless to say, she wasn't exactly happy when she found out about my wedding. She was hurt, but I didn't care. I thought she deserved for me to hurt her, just as she'd hurt me so many years before. Granted, none of it was her fault, but I couldn't see that then. Back then, I was blinded by the dejectedness that she brought to me.
In 2012, I lost to the Rock at Wrestlemania. In 2012, I divorced my wife. In 2012, I sunk to a new low. In 2013, I started to date Nicole Garcia, or Nikki Bella as she's referred to on TV. Do I love her? No. And it's nothing against her, I can never love anyone else. It's pathetic, but it's true. I often find myself wondering if Nicole is in the same boat as me, loving someone that will never love you back.
At least I have the decency to pretend, if only for a short time. I wish Torrie could have given that to me for a while, if only a while.
Torrie finally gets off of her phone, looks up, and locks eyes with me. And there it is again: that look of pity. I dart my eyes away and am not surprised to feel a tear slip from the corner of one of them. I'm a man, I shouldn't be crying. It's about the millionth time I've thought that to myself. But basically, I'm screwed. No matter what I do, I'll never have her.
The only girl I'll ever love.
So, I guess I'll just keep following her.
Because she can't love me back.