Dating Difficulties
"Yo, man, I can't believe we've been stuck here for two weeks. I mean, I look forward to an alarm going off, so I get to go outside a little bit. You better keep Stephanie up on seven, because the guys are going stir crazy."
"Les, bro, you've been on missions where you've been without longer than six months. You can't take a few weeks in lockdown?"
"Yes, Ranger, I have, but that wasn't when there was a beautiful woman around us every day. Stephanie is tempting when we're all getting it regularly."
With that, I found myself pushed up against the wall with an arm at my throat and my feet dangling. You'd never know that I had three inches on my cousin if you could see us now.
"Watch what you say, Santos. That's my fiancé that you are talking about. You will not disrespect her or me, got it?"
"Got it," I manage it eke out, which leads to Ranger releasing me. I rub my neck. "Geez, Ranger, you know I'm only telling you the truth. Steph doesn't realize her sex appeal and never has. You know almost every guy here has had at least one wet dream starring Steph."
"Fuck. I know what you are saying is true, but I don't like hearing it. Would you?"
"No, man, I wouldn't. But don't worry, the guys are petrified of you, but Steph's knee has them even more scared. Everyone remembers what she did to Miller."
About eight months ago, Steph and Ranger got their acts together and had a conversation about their feelings. Both admitted that they loved each other but were afraid of being rejected. After they realized how stupid they were, they started dating. Then, two months ago, on their six month anniversary, Ranger proposed to Stephanie. She moved in the next day. Two days later, Steph was on her way up from the gym to the penthouse when a new hire, Donald Miller, accosted her in the elevator. He got on with her, and as they ascended, he hit the emergency stop button, backing Stephanie into a corner. He managed to grab her breast before she kneed him in the junk. He went down for the count as Cal, who was on the monitors, overrode the elevator control to stop it on five. Ranger was out of the building that morning at a meeting, so Tank and I greeted her and Miller.
When we pulled Miller up by his arms, he tossed his cookies. He could barely stand. Bobby gave a quick exam and told us we had to get him to St. Francis. Steph's knee really is lethal. They were able to perform testicular retrieval, and they say he'll recover. Since that day, we all give Steph's knee a wide berth. Hell, whoever works with her on self-defense, wears a cup for protection.
Ella accompanied Steph up to seven, making sure she was safe before she left. When Ranger returned ten minutes later, I had the joy of informing him of what happened. He was annoyed when we told him that Miller was already en route to the hospital, but we assured him that he went with more than just a testicular problem. When Steph came back down on five moments later, she all but collapsed in his arms, sobbing uncontrollably. Ranger carried her into his office, where we heard for the first time her history with Morelli. Let's just say that it's a good thing he transferred to Chicago.
"It was that bad?"
"Ranger, I've seen a baseball bat do less damage." I can't help but shift to protect myself as I think of that day. "You saw the video feed."
"I did. Look, Lester, I understand the challenges you are all facing. I understand. I will try to ask Steph to be mindful and will try to ask her to eat in her office or mine."
"Eating in your office isn't going to be the answer, Boss."
"Shut it, Les."
We hear a gentle knock on the door before it opens, and we both know it's Steph.
"Hi, Les. How are you? How's your hand holding up?"
I try to hide my arm behind my back, but she sees the brace before I can remove it.
"Really, Lester? You need a brace? You are working out your hand that much?" She says, holding in her laughter. I see Ranger smirking behind her.
"No, Steph, I use my other hand for that. I have carpal tunnel. I broke my wrist in the Army, and it has been an issue since."
"Sure, whatever you say." She responds.
I shake my head and leave the office. As I close the door, I see Steph settle on Ranger's lap and know that he's getting some action, which is more than the rest of us can say. So, being a good cousin, I locked the door behind me. It's a good thing we paid for the extra soundproofing.
I walk into the break room, where everyone is standing in opposite corners, trying to maintain six-feet distancing. "Um, guys, you do realize that we only interact with each other, right? Ranger has the team that goes out staying in a hotel. We are the ones holed up in here. If we aren't sick and haven't come into contact with anyone, is six feet really necessary?"
"You have a point," Cal responds.
"Guys, I stumbled upon this great social media site last night. It's a virtual bar. You go in on your computer or tablet and get to interact one on one with someone else on the server. I'm not quite sure how they do it, but it's great. I was talking to this one crazy hot chick. We're going to try to meet up when this chaos is over." Vince stated.
"What's the site called?" Manny asked.
"6 Social Bar." We all laugh at the name.
"I don't know if I can be smooth on a computer. My pickup lines won't work." Cal says.
"Well, you need new pick-up lines then."
"Pick-up lines? Where do you think you're going?" We all jump as we hear Ranger's voice.
"Nowhere, Ranger. There's this new dating site. It was developed especially for the COVID-19 outbreak. We can hook up online, then set up a date in the future."
"You guys aren't serious, are you?" Ranger asks.
"Not all of us are lucky enough to have Bomber living with us."
I watch as Manny flinches when he realizes what he said. I also notice Steph place her hand on Ranger's arm.
"You're right, Manny." He replies.
"Can I hear some of these lines?" Steph asks.
"Sure, that's a good idea, we can test them on you, and you can tell us if they are good or no good."
"This I got to hear." We hear Ranger mumble as he crosses his arms over his chest, leaning against the wall. Stephanie sits on one of the high stools, leaning on Ranger, and he moves his hands to wrap around her waist. The pendejo is rubbing it in.
"I'll go first," I say before reciting my first line, "if COVID-19 doesn't take you out, can I?"
I see Steph is trying not to laugh, and she does an excellent job with her blank face. I'm surprised she didn't roll her eyes.
"Manny, how about you go next."
"Since all public libraries are closed, I'm checking you out instead."
"Vince?"
"You can't spell virus without U and I, and you can't spell quarantine withou T."
"Oh, my goodness. I'm so glad I'm not on that site. Is that the best you guys got?"
Cal responded next, "baby, do you need toilet paper? Because I could be your Prince Charmin."
"Stop it, right now. These lines are so corny. There is no way that they are going to work on any self-respecting girl."
"I got one, too," Hector interjected. Wait, when did he arrive? We wait for him to give us his line. "Steph, you can share this with any of your single girlfriends. Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket, or are you just happy to be within six feet of me?"
"How do you guys manage to get laid with lines like that? I'm ashamed to be in the same company as you. It's no wonder they all flocked to me." Stephanie glares at Ranger, as he catches himself, "that was all way before you, Babe."
"Uh-huh. So, what line would you use Mr. Smooth?" Beautiful challenges Ranger.
"Well, uhm, I was never much for lines. I was more…physical."
"Give me your best line, Mister." She orders.
"Babe, without you, my life is as empty as the supermarket shelf."
"Wow, that's not bad. It's kind of sweet."
"Oh, brother, really? That one works?" I ask incredulously.
"Hey, I got one," Hal said, bursting into the room before stopping in front of Beautiful, blushing. "Sorry, Steph, I didn't know you were here."
"That's okay, Hal. They guys are testing their lines out on me. What's yours?"
"I saw you from across the bar. Stay there."
"Lame, Hal. It's no wonder you strike out so often." I tell him.
"What are we doing?" Tank asks
"The guys are sharing their lame pick-up lines to use on a virtual dating platform."
"I got a good one." Tank replies.
"What is it?"
"Hey, baby, can I ship you a drink."
"I'm really starting to wonder about the desperation level of my fellow females. Who in their right mind would fall for these lines?"
"Wait! I got the best." Bobby exclaims. We look at him as he gets ready to share. "I really can't stay, because baby, it's COVID-19 outside."
With that, we all groan. Stephanie looks at Ranger, then says. "Are you a doctor? Because I think I need you to check me from head to toe to make sure I'm not sick."
"Damn, wifey, that's a good one."
"Nice, Bomber," Bobby answers.
Me, on the other hand, feel my pants get a little tighter as I think about checking her out from head to toe, though I know I never could or would. I see Ranger is reacting to her line.
"Then I guess I better take you to my office for your examination, Babe." Ranger replies before adding, "Tank, we're offline for the next 24."
With that, we watch my cousin leave to get lucky with Beautiful while the rest of us have to resort to online dating. I can't wait for this quarantine to be over. At least we have food and toilet paper.
A/N: Vicki Synder posted something on Facebook about pick up lines amid the COVID-19 outbreak. I thought they were funny and decided to come up with a little fluffy piece to add a smile to our day. I hope you get your giggles, as I can definitely see guys trying these out. Stephanie's line is mine. Thank you to my beta Susan for editing it in a few hours. Stay safe!