The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is buried under piles of ravioli. This happens in the same day as the other stories, Carpool Craziness and A Creative Use Of the Pause.
The Ravioli Rumble
"I can't believe you won the Ravioli Rumble eating challenge," Cyril was stunned as Pam drove the Rush van back from her latest challenge.
"I can," Ray said as he tried to hold himself in place. There were boxes all over the van and on top of the gang. "What I can't believe is how big the prize was!"
"Yeah when they said I could have enough raviolis for a year, I didn't think they would give it to me all at once," Pam admitted. "This is even more than I can handle! For a week."
"Don't worry," Lana said as she sat up front with Pam. "If I put these in the freezer and ration them, I can make this stretch. At least I won't have to worry about dinners once a week for a while."
"You can have my share Lana," Cheryl said. "That will make it last a really long time!"
"Thank you, Cheryl," Lana was touched. "That was really nice of you."
"Not really," Cheryl shrugged. "I don't like ravioli. And my dumpster is already full of junk and dead animals."
"Cheryl's relatives are really into taxidermy," Pam explained. "We found a whole bunch of dead stuffed animals."
"Just animals, right?" Lana asked. "No stuffed humans this time, right?"
"So far, no," Cyril sighed.
Cheryl added. "Not to mention burning frozen foods isn't as easy or as fun as you would think. The last time I did that raccoons surrounded my mansion for a week. They did attack a couple neighbors which was good for a laugh but still…"
Lana realized something. "Are there any chicken nugget challenges you could win Pam? Because that would really help me out."
"Sorry," Pam said. "Those are now limited to ages 12 and under. But there is a Teeny Tater Tot competition coming up. Winner gets their weight in tater tots. I'm sure I can win that one."
"Well it's worth a shot," Lana admitted. "It's amazing how much money it costs nowadays to raise a child."
"Good thing there have been so many children's clothing store closings," Ray remarked.
"I know," Lana said. "Those things are a godsend. I got AJ an entire closet for under fifty bucks. And a couple extra clothes in the next size up when she grows."
"She is growing like a weed," Ray nodded.
SCRREEEEECCHHHHHH!
"What the hell?" Lana shouted as the van jerked. A white van cut off Pam and sped down the street.
"That bitch cut me off!" Pam shouted. "I'll show him!"
"Pam honey," Ray gulped as the van sped up. "What are you doing?"
"Gonna teach this asshole some manners!" Pam snapped.
"That's not really necessary," Lana tried to reason with Pam. "Let's just forget about it."
"Oh, I'll forget about it," Pam said. "Right after I kick his ass!"
"Oh God Pam…" Cyril moaned.
"Pam road rage is not a good look on you," Ray cautioned as she drove after the white van.
SCREECH!
"Let it go Pam!" Lana shouted as she hung on for dear life.
"HELL NO!" Pam growled. "This bitch needs a lesson on common courtesy!"
"By attacking him and beating the shit out of him?" Ray asked.
"That was the plan, yes!" Pam said as she sped up. "Hang on!"
"Do we have a choice?" Cyril groaned as he held on for dear life.
"EEEE!" Cheryl squealed with glee.
SCREECH!
"Oh God…" Cyril winced. "I think my stomach is going up into my throat and spleen at the same time."
VRRRRRRRRRRRROOM!
"Oh yeah," Pam had a demented look on her face. "I'm gonna get you suckers!"
"Pam this can't be the first time you've been cut off in traffic!" Ray reasoned.
"Fifteenth time today," Pam growled.
"That's your limit?" Krieger gulped. "Good to know…"
VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOM!
"Okay we're turning away," Lana let out a breath of relief as Pam turned into an opposite direction of the vehicle. "Very mature of you Pam."
"Nah," Pam waved. "I just know where that one street they're going down is going. I know a faster way to cut them off!"
"Oh goody," Ray groaned as Pam sped up. "Dear Lord…In case I die during this…I'd like to explain a few things…"
"Does anybody know if they take confessions online?" Cyril moaned.
VRRRRRRRRRRROOOM!
SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECHHH!
"Got ya!" Pam grinned as she blocked off the van. She got out. "HEY ASSHOLES! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
"Pam don't!" Lana shouted. "They might be…"
BANG! BANG! BANG!
"Packing heat," Lana winced. Her instincts jumped in and she took out her gun from her purse. "Ray I'm gonna need some backup!"
"Dukes!" Ray realized. "I don't have my guns! I left them home!"
"Great!" Lana got out to cover for Pam.
Pam had miraculously missed being hit and was now running for cover. Somehow Lana managed to make her way to the alley where she was hiding nearby. "Way to go Pam! You just had to chase them, didn't you?"
"I may have mishandled this one," Pam admitted as some gunfire went off.
"You think?" Lana snapped as she prepared to return fire.
THUNK! THUNK!
CRASH! SHATTER!
"What the…?" Lana did a double take as she saw some boxes of raviolis hit the windshield of the van with such force it shattered the glass. As well as denting the sides of the van.
"Ray?" Pam did a double take as she saw Ray chucking ravioli boxes with his bionic hand.
"I decided to make do with what we had," Ray said as he tossed a ravioli box with his bionic hand. It slammed right into the gunman, knocking him down.
"FOOD FIGHT!" Cheryl screamed as she ran out throwing several boxes at two men who got out of the back of the van.
"Suppressing…" Cyril paused as he and Krieger had boxes in their hands. "Food!" He threw some boxes at the men. "Man, these boxes are heavier than they look."
The men were stunned and shocked. And equally stunned when a few boxes hit their heads. One more man got out with a gun, only to be tackled from behind by Pam.
"You. Don't. Cut. Off. A. Lady!" Pam punched the guy a few times. "Asshole!" She then knocked him out.
The first gunman recovered slightly but was knocked down by a flying kick from Lana. "And stay down!"
"Why they hell did they shoot at us?" Krieger asked.
"This is LA," Cheryl waved as she casually threw another box at the subdued gunmen. "Everybody shoots everybody here."
"You should really keep that in mind Pam," Lana looked at her friend.
"Okay! Jesus! Sorry!" Pam groaned. "My bad!"
"What the hell…?" Ray did a double take when he looked inside the van. "Guys…Y'all want to take a look at this."
"What?" Lana looked inside the van. "Holy…"
"Wow that's a lot of money," Cheryl remarked as they looked at piles and stacks of cash. "Can I burn some of it?"
"Let me see," Cyril took a stack.
"What are they doing with all this money?" Krieger asked.
"Something that might be the reason you got cut off Pam," Lana said.
"Jesus!" Ray looked. "There must be millions of dollars in money here!"
Cyril looked at a bill. "Which are all worthless! These are counterfeit!"
"WHAT?" Everyone else shouted.
"I mean it's a pretty good counterfeit," Cyril remarked. "If you ignore the fact that Elvis Presley isn't on the fifty-dollar bill."
WEEEE-OOOOH! WEEE-OOOH! WEEE-OOOOOOOOH!
"And here come the cops…" Lana groaned as the sirens blared.
"Why do so many of our evenings end like this?" Ray groaned.
"I can think of a few reasons," Cyril groaned. "I don't believe this!"
The following morning…
"I can't believe what happened…" Lana said as the Figgis Agency returned to the bullpen the next day. "I still can't believe what happened. I can't believe we accidentally uncovered and stopped an international counterfeiting ring!"
"I can't believe we were praised for stopping them," Ray said. "Instead of being lumped in with those guys!"
"Good call Cyril," Pam said. "Coming up with that lie our agency had been investigating them on a tip."
"It was the first thing I thought of," Cyril said. "I think it was from an episode of Hawaii Five O."
"The old ones or the new ones?" Cheryl asked.
"I've seen both so technically…" Cyril paused. "The point is, the cops believed us!"
"I think some of Archer's luck has rubbed off on us," Krieger remarked.
"I think you might be right," Ray agreed.
"I mean this sort of thing happened to him all the time," Krieger went on.
"And then Karma literally gut punched him in the stomach," Ray added.
"Well that and the bullets," Krieger nodded.
"The bullets definitely didn't help," Ray agreed.
"This is big guys," Lana said as she sat down. "They uncovered a ton of evidence in that van. A lot of people are going to get busted because of this."
"Who keeps an address book of contacts and their boss' names in the glove compartment?" Ray asked. "As well as a list that is titled, Rich People Who Are In On The Counterfeiting Scheme?"
"Not to mention a separate list," Krieger said. "Titled Businesses Where The Fake Money Goes. You should just have that memorized! It's just common sense!"
"This is why you should always be a courteous driver," Pam nodded.
"That FBI agent told me that this incident could have huge repercussions and arrests all over the world," Cyril said.
"The best part is that neither the FBI or CIA had a clue about this scheme," Pam grinned. "They had no idea what these guys were doing. Ha! I bet Hawley and Slater will have a shit fit when they find out!"
"I can't believe we actually stopped a counterfeiting scheme," Lana was stunned. "And more importantly didn't get blamed for it!"
"Most importantly we might get a reward!" Cyril grinned. "Today was a good day!"
"It was," Krieger realized. "Not only did we stop counterfeiters and get a lot of free food, we made money, got some new contacts…"
"Where did we get new contacts?" Lana asked.
Everyone else glared at Krieger. "Lenses," Krieger said quickly. "I got myself some new contact lenses."
"And then there was that oil company that gave us a check for something," Cheryl spoke up.
"What?" Lana glared.
"Legal advice," Ray said smoothly. "Cyril gave them legal advice. They heard about us online."
"And they were happy we destroyed a protest!" Cheryl beamed happily.
"I'm not even going to ask…" Lana sighed. "I'm just happy whatever it is you people did you didn't get arrested for. And you made the agency money I'm assuming?"
"Some," Cyril admitted with a cough.
"Okay…" Lana paused. "I'll give you a choice Cyril. You can either give me a cut of the money. Or you can give me thirty hours towards my detective license!"
"Twenty hours," Cyril protested.
"Twenty-five," Lana said.
"Fifteen hours," Cyril paused. "And I'll give you a check for ten grand."
"Twenty hours," Lana said. "And a check for twenty grand."
"You're not getting it from my share!" Pam snapped.
"God damn it Pam!" Ray snapped.
"I'm the one who farted on the guy!" Pam snapped. "I should get twenty hours too!"
"If they get twenty hours, I want twenty hours!" Ray snapped.
"What did you do?" Pam challenged.
"I ran through traffic and got you your damn bearclaws!" Ray snapped.
Pam thought for a second. "Fair enough."
"Okay everybody gets twenty hours," Krieger said.
"Yeah!" Cheryl added.
"You two aren't even detectives!" Cyril snapped.
"It's the principle of the thing!" Krieger challenged.
"Yeah!" Cheryl snapped.
"Okay! Okay! Final offer!" Cyril was frustrated. "Everybody gets fifteen hours and Lana gets fifteen thousand dollars which will come out of my share!"
"Okay," Lana nodded. "Plus, we all get an extra five hours for what happened tonight."
"Five hours?" Cyril barked.
"They did keep us for a long time while they interviewed us," Ray pointed. "And then the Feds interviewed us."
"Again," Lana said. "Can't believe they bought our story!"
"I missed some good TV shows!" Pam said. "And half of the raviolis I won were either confiscated or no good! Five hours is the least you can give!"
"Either that or more money," Lana looked at Cyril.
"Five extra hours on top of the fifteen or more money?" Cyril was stunned.
"Yup," Lana nodded. "We'll take the five hours if you want to cheap out."
"Deal," Cyril said and they shook on it.
"Whoo hoo!" Cheryl cheered. "We're now twenty hours closer to getting our detective licenses!"
"In your case it's just twenty but yeah…" Cyril sighed.
"God damn," Pam whistled. "Our agency hasn't been this productive in years!"
"I know," Ray remarked. "It's scary!"