i saw you in a dream
then it came to an end
i wonder if you'll come and visit me again
you're taking your time to reappear
i'm starting to believe that when i call your name—
Rin sipped her coffee; her eyelids heavy, but her heart even heavier.
A week ago, she wouldn't have thought she would be making this drive so soon, so suddenly. But a phone call came from her mother, and in her soft voice, she told her something that made the world shatter around her.
Len was her neighbour, her childhood friend.
They'd grown up together, went to school together, graduated together. They had made so many memories together. Of course, they went their separate ways when it came to university, but it was never a bitter goodbye. Rather, it was one filled with hope and anticipation that they'd see each other again.
Of course, this wasn't her idea of a reunion.
She gripped the steering wheel tight, her knuckles showing white. The years had gone by so fast, and with him in Osaka, and her in Tokyo, the chance that she'd hoped for never came.
Then, it was too late.
Instead, she'd be bidding her farewell to him at a funeral. Did her 18 year old self ever imagine this was how she'd be saying her last goodbye to her old friend?
A lonely ache spread through Rin's chest. She didn't know the fine details of how he died, but she knew enough that it made her stomach churn.
Len had been a bright, somewhat happy boy in their childhood; popular and social and active. He always dreamed big and laughed so carelessly. He was the last person for her to imagine dying so young.
Who would've seen this coming?
She sure didn't.
Rin reached up to wipe her eyes with the back of her hand, smudging her makeup across her cheeks. It wasn't ideal to be driving at this time of night, in this kind of state, but she had no choice with work only granting her one day off to attend the funeral. Although rural Saitama wasn't that far, the drive seemed longer at this hour, and she was exhausted after a long day of work.
She wondered why on earth they chose to have the funeral at such an ungodly hour of the morning, but it couldn't be helped, and she didn't want that to be the reason why she didn't go.
Of course, Len deserved better.
Her eyelids began to betray her again, so this time, she opted for the radio, turning it up louder in an attempt to wake up her brain. As she did so, for some reason, she sensed another presence with her in the car.
Of course, there was no one, she knew there was no one, but to ease her paranoid mind, she glanced up at the rear view mirror.
A pair of pale eyes stared back at her.
Rin stomped on the brake and jerked her car off the road. The car behind her laid on their horn, spelling the words fuck you with their beeps.
She immediately unbuckled her seat, jerking around to face—
A ghost.
She screamed.
,
Rin was not one to believe the paranormal. No, no. She'd always thought, growing up, that once people died, they like, died -died, as in, never ever coming back died.
Maybe that was a little dark and dreary for a child to believe, but that was what kept her, well, sane . It comforted her. It saved her from all those nights in the dark believing the shadows on the walls were monsters or banshees or demons.
So, after screaming for a bit, she calmed down and began to think more rationally: No, maybe it isn't a ghost. Maybe I'm just hallucinating. I'm tired, I'm caffeinated, and I'm probably going through shock. I'm probably—definitely—hallucinating.
Rin shook her head, closed her eyes, sat back in her seat. Okay. Okay. Let's just breathe.
While counting herself through what was probably an oncoming anxiety attack, the feeling of someone else being there in the car did not ease. She had never hallucinated before, so she wasn't even sure if this was normal or if she really was experiencing some strange, life-changing event.
A part of her was begging for it to just be a hallucination. It just had to be, because there, sitting in her back seat, was Len.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she popped open her eyes and slowly turned to look back over her shoulder.
She did not get there, though.
Because.
Because— Len was now sitting in the front seat.
Staring at her.
Rin didn't know if she wanted to run for her life, scream, or just pass out. This was too much. This was too much for this entire week.
She leant forward, resting her forehead on the steering wheel, trying to steady her breathing.
"It's not real. It's not real. It's not real," she muttered to herself.
And yet, when she lifted her head, he was still there. It wasn't working.
She went to put her head down again, but he then spoke, to her utter horror. "Rin."
Rin screamed and went to open her door, but it was jammed. It wouldn't open. Had she fallen asleep at the wheel, and this was some crazy dream before crashing to her death? God, if it was, please wake up (or die) so it would end .
"Rin," Len repeated, leaning towards her so that their faces were only a breath apart.
She froze, avoiding meeting his gaze. "He's not real. He's not real. He's not real," she whispered to herself, desperate to keep her sanity.
"You don't have to believe I'm real," he said. "You don't have to. But please look at me."
She began to cry. She wasn't sure if it was because she was so terrified, or because it really felt like Len was there with her, in the car.
"Rin," he repeated, his voice soft. His hand drifted up, pale and translucent, and his fingers grazed the side of her face. It was like cold water trickling down her cheek. "You can look at me. I won't hurt you."
Finally, Rin obeyed. She wrenched her gaze away from the steering wheel to meet his eyes.
Len smiled. Her chest tightened, and her gaze began to wander over his ghostly figure. It wasn't as lanky as she remembered. He was wearing a button up shirt and pants, like he'd just come from work. Her eyes immediately dropped to his left arm, where his sleeve was rolled up.
She couldn't help but notice the deep gashes in his wrist, looking as if they were freshly made, although no blood was seeping from them.
Tears stung her eyes again. What a horrible hallucination.
Len noticed the direction of her gaze and covered his arm with his other hand. His expression went sad. "It doesn't go away," he explained, as if reading her mind. "It doesn't go away, even after death."
Rin sobbed hideously. She wanted this to be over and done with. She wanted out of this nightmare.
Of course she wanted to meet Len again.
But not like this. Not like this.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm sorry this is how it is."
Rin shook her head. "Even if you were real," she said, "I could never be happy with this— "
"I know." He looked away. "I know that, Rin. I'm sorry."
She slammed her palm against the wheel. "Are you sorry? Are you really sorry? This isn't just something you can apologise for. You can't just appear, expect anything but my tears, because you're dead and you're not coming back and I never even had the chance to say goodbye."
Len was silent.
Rin refused to look at his face. She knew how he looked. With that guilty expression, the sort of face he would pull when they'd have stupid arguments back in junior high. His eyebrows would meet and his bottom lip would pucker out like a kid who was refused candy.
She crossed her arms over the steering wheel, rested her cheek against them, feeling her wet tears as they smudged black eyeliner across her skin.
Her parents were going to shit themselves when she got to their house. If she got to their house.
"I don't regret it," Len then said.
She sighed to show she was listening.
He continued, "I don't regret it at all because I didn't want to live anymore."
"Are you happy now?" she asked him.
"Not even dying made me happy," he said. "Nothing would, Rin. I knew that."
"So why? Why? "
There was a long silence. Rin thought he had disappeared, but then he answered, "I just wanted to be free from it all."
It hurt to know how much pain he was in. She wished so desperately she knew earlier. She wished so desperately she'd been a better friend and kept in touch more. She wished so desperately she could turn back time.
But time travel was just as unrealistic as a ghost.
She stared out her window, watching the occasional car drive past on the highway. Their headlights would illuminate everything in front of them, before they'd flash past, and all would go pitch black again.
"Rin," Len said. His voice was closer. "It's a long way home. You should get moving before it gets too late."
You're right , she wanted to say, but the words wouldn't form in her mouth. She lifted herself up, not casting a glance in his direction, and indicated to merge back onto the road.
It was silent again for about ten or so minutes. Len was still there, in the corner of her eye, watching the road. Eventually, he said, "Hey, you remember in high school, when I came late to school with a bandage on my arm?"
Rin thought for a moment. She could remember that day vaguely. "Yeah."
"I know I said that it was a burn from ironing my uniform—" For obvious reasons, she knew what was coming. "—but that was a lie. I tried to cut myself open the night before. I tried to die."
Her eyes stung with tears. The road started to blur. She blinked hard several times, trying to clear her vision. Something wet trickled down her cheek.
"So why didn't you?" she croaked, when he didn't continue.
"I don't know. I guess—for a moment, I thought of you. You were my best friend. Perhaps no one else would care much if I died, but you, I was scared of knowing if you would care too much, or not care at all. I stopped myself before it got too deep. Told my mum I slipped and sliced myself on the bed frame. I don't think she believed me, but she didn't question it."
Rin hated it. You were my best friend.
Her fingers tightened around the steering wheel, a wave of anger shaking her. "That's not true," she spat. Was she really having an argument with a hallucination right now? Perhaps it was time for therapy. "Everyone loved you Len. Everyone loved you so much. Everyone would have been so devastated to have lost you. Even now—I'm sure they are, or will be."
The corners of Len's lips twitched upwards. "That's the thing. My brain just couldn't comprehend it. Even if everyone did love me—"
I just couldn't believe it at all.
For a moment, Rin was standing in an empty classroom with Len. It was four in the afternoon. He was hunched over his desk, a bad mood. And his words, they settled like rocks in the pit of her stomach.
"I can't help but think like that, you know?" he was saying, with a haunting grin on his face. It looked so out of place. "No matter the truth, I just can't believe it. I don't think anyone needs me around."
Rin nudged his desk with her foot. "I need you," she said, her fingers brushing the skin of his arm; a simple, secret gesture that no one but her could read.
Len lifted his head to meet her eyes.
"I need you."
Rin sniffed, wiping at her eyes. The tears wouldn't stop. They just kept overflowing, overflowing, overflowing.
"Rin," Len said, from the passenger seat. "Don't cry."
"Shut up, stupid," she snapped, her voice wobbling. She was angry, she was sad. This hallucination was getting out of hand.
He stared at her, nothing to say.
"I cared about you so much it hurt," she continued. "And whenever you insisted I didn't, that drove the knife in even deeper. I loved you, Len, but you held me at arm's length. I felt that if I said that—how I really felt—you would just deny it, and that, that would break my heart."
"I know," he whispered. "I wish I didn't do that. I wish I let you in."
Rin inhaled. "But somehow, I could forgive you for that anyway. And I still love you, somewhat, even if it's not quite the same, pure love that was."
Len reached over, placing his cold hand over hers on the gear stick. It was rotting, melting, skeletal. Not human at all. "It was never meant to be, anyway."
She looked over at him, and he looked at her. "Yeah, well, my hopes were already dashed years ago."
He smiled, looking sad. "I'm sorry to do that to you, Rin."
"It's too late to apologise for anything now, Len," she said. "It is what it is."
The familiar lights of their hometown began to pass by as they reached the outskirts of their small city. It was a sight of nostalgia, and a sight of pain. How many times Rin would make this drive before it would be her last, she didn't know. Perhaps this would be the last.
Perhaps she would never have to come here again.
One could only wish.
Len was gone. She could no longer feel the cool breath of his palm against the back of her hand, nor the piercing gaze of his lifeless eyes striking the side of her face.
She wiped her face again, turning off the ignition. She fixed herself as much as possible in the mirror, before gathering her last remaining courage to meet her parents.
Like in the past, she knew this pain, this wound, would heal with time.
And life would go on.
—you just don't hear me anymore
and i know that i shouldn't even try
it's a waste of time
copying n pasting my a/n from ao3 because I am, lazy:
wow shock horror I posted another oneshot!
I Hate Angst. but I was inspired to write it for some reason.
I wrote this in between full-time work hours... so if it sucks. I mean, that's probably a contributing factor (that and I'm also bad at writing non-dramatic, non-cliche angst!)
is len a ghost? is he a hallucination? idk you guess.
lyrics: saw you in a dream by the japanese house. (good song, good artist, I recommend).