The Following Trailer Is Rated NM For No Mercy!
From Kathleen Kennedy, the Wench who in just a few short years has become the most hated figure in Star Wars history, comes the conclusion to the new trilogy, that had more action, bigger surprises, and higher stakes than The Force Awakens or The Last Jedi, yet somehow ended up more disappointing than either of them.
The Rise Of Skywalker!
The Force Awakens swept the box office on a wave of hopeful nostalgia, The Last Jedi ignited a civil war among the fanbase. Now, buckle up for the installment whose biggest accomplishment was to destroy the last lingering embers of faith people had in the new cannon, forever.
If you thought that Disney couldn't possibly get any lazier, behold the resurrection of Emperor Palpatine in a plot twist ripped straight from the pages of the original cannon that they so ruthlessly threw away like unwanted garbage. And FYI to Disney, the Palpatine resurrection was controversial enough before you decided that regurgitating material from erased cannon was commercially ethical, and not the slimiest move since Jodi Whittaker became Doctor Who.
Witness the disconnect of the new trilogy's lack of planning brought to full force as plot threads and characters built over the last four years are ignored, restructured, or erased. Because after two movies building up Rey as a Skywalker in all but name, she's now the completely-out-of-the-blue granddaughter of Emperor Palpatine himself; Snoke no longer has any relevance to the plot whatsoever; Rose is completely ignored (Not that I'm complaining); and the Knights of Ren still don't do shit.
But don't worry, there's still plenty of action. In fact, we have the biggest space battle in Star Wars history to cap things off… to bad you'll only see about 30 seconds of it, because the richest company in human history couldn't shell out the cash for another two minutes of ship v ship action. Or better yet, just cut out all the scenes of Po and Finn bitching at each other and give Wedge Antilles more than two seconds of screen time.
So while your re downloading SWOTR II on your computer, experience a film that manged to be both epic yet weak, exciting yet disappointing, entertaining yet empty, in an amazing paradox that will be the focus of nerd debates for decades to come.
Starring:
Rey Palpawalker- Rey
Uncle Fester- Emperor Palpatine
Emo Anakin- Kylo
Chopped Liver- The Knights Of Ren
Funko Fodder- Babu Frik
That Hook Nosed Gay Chick They Threw Out At The Last Moment- That Hook Nosed Gay Chick They Threw Out At The Last Moment
The Rise Of Faux Skywalker!
Disney truly is an amazing company. No other entity on earth could make a trilogy ending Star Wars movie that leaves me with no emotional fulfillment whatsoever.