Hurt
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A/N-An emotionally beaten Rey gives up the fight. This is set in the ruins of the Death star throne room on Kef Bir in The Rise of Skywalker.
"Look at yourself. You wanted to prove to my mother that you were a jedi, but instead you've proved something else." Ben's tone was surprisingly soft as he confronted Rey in the shattered remains of the emperor's throne room. Her lovely face was twisted into a fierce scowl as she glared at him, her saber held stiffly by her side, vibrating madly like an angry swarm of insects. "You can't go back to her now…like I can't." His voice cracked at the end, revealing the depth of the pain that he could never quite keep hidden from her.
Rey was unaware of anything. Her whole focus was on the wayfinder he held in his gloved hand. Rage was building deep inside her, like the deep-water currents battering the ruined Death star. She had done everything right-everything-and still Kylo Ren was in her way. Her anger and resentment boiled over, stealing away the last semblance of rationality and reason.
"Give it to me!" She hissed through clenched teeth.
"The dark side is in our nature." Ben continued calmly, showing no intimidation at all at the burning anger and frustration glowing in Rey's hazel eyes. "Surrender to it." The inflection in his tone remained coaxing, even gentle, while her response was completely feral.
"Give. It. To. Me." She spat like an angry viper.
Ben felt his own anger and frustration rising up to match hers. Why did she keep fighting him? Why couldn't she just surrender to it like he had? She was squandering everything they could have together like an aggravated child. She just wouldn't let go. Seething with resentment, and aggrieved by her reaction to his proposal, he unleashed his anger without thought or consequence.
"The only you're getting to Exegol is with me!" Ben's gloved fingers closed over the wayfinder and crushed it in his tight grip. It shattered completely, the myriad pieces falling onto the throne room floor.
Watching something she had been seeking for so long crumble right before her eyes broke something in Rey. Her eyes widened slightly, the pupils dilating as she stared at the shattered remains of her only way of getting to Exegol. A feeling of abject failure doused the anger that had taken hold of her soul. In that moment of loss her world collapsed-where there was light became shadows, the pain coming and going like water flowing on frigid sand. She felt defeated, lost. The overwhelming sense of despair drove her to her knees. Her nerveless fingers lost their grip on the hilt of her lightsaber, and it dropped to the floor with a dull thud. The sound mirrored the dull thudding of her heart.
"I can't do this anymore." She admitted as her sadness became so unbearable that it sent silent tears spiralling down her chilled skin.
This wasn't the reaction Ben was expecting. To see the flame of her anger, die so quickly, only to be replaced with a despair so profound, touched something in his conflicted soul. He walked toward her, his boots crushing the remnants of the cursed wayfinder as he approached. Rey didn't even look up at him. She remained on her knees, her head bowed, her breathing shallow and uneven.
"Rey." Ben's voice echoed around the throne room; the loudness of it, the richness of his tone surprising himself as well as the shattered girl crouched on the floor. As Rey glanced up at him, he saw the shock register on her face before she could hide it. He said her name again, gentler this time. "Rey."
Had he ever spoken her name like that before? In such a gentle and compassionate manner? It had been so long since their last intimate connection that she couldn't remember. Maybe it was on Ahch-to before everything went to hell and Luke had destroyed the hut when he found them reaching out to each other.
"I'm tired, Ben." Rey's admission was followed by a heavy sigh. "I don't want to fight anymore. I'm done. Take me to Exegol if that's what you want. My life was going to end there anyway."
The dispassionate way she spoke about her life ending shocked Ben to his very core. This wasn't Rey. She was a fighter. They may have always been on opposing sides- even when she always managed to frustrate the hell out of him, while he was constantly intrigued and attracted by her to the point of obsession- but the one thing he admired the most was her tenacity. She never gave up. Whatever curveball life had thrown at her she always carried on regardless. But now she was broken. He had broken her. That had been the last thing he wanted to do.
Ben knelt down in front of Rey, careful to keep a few feet between them. She looked at him, her eyes empty.
"I'm not taking you to Exegol."
A fine line marred Rey's forehead as she met his troubled gaze. "But you said- "
"I was hurt. I was angry." Ben admitted with difficulty. "I was lashing out."
They say compassion is the closest thing you get to love. Being so broken inside that your own cries get stuck in the back of your throat. Your sorrow brings you so far gone that you can't shed a tear. Your screams get lost in your head. As Ben continued to stare at her, Rey saw compassion in his dark brown eyes. The same compassion she had seen during their last real force bond connection on Ahch-to. It was Ben Solo looking at her right now. Not Kylo Ren.
"I don't want this." Rey sobbed quietly. "I don't want to be a Jedi. I don't want to be a Palpatine. I don't want to be a part of his twisted legacy. I hate it. I want to be Rey nobody again. I want to leave this all behind and disappear. Go somewhere quiet, and peaceful, where nobody knows me… "Her voice drifted away as another tear dribbled down the curve of her cheek.
"Naboo." Ben said wistfully. "I see it." He was in her head now. She was letting him see. He fancied he could actually feel the temperate climate on the lush green and blue planet-Rey had painted the picture so vividly in her mind. He closed his eyes and imagined the cool, crisp early morning air cleansing his skin and his mind. He could feel his bare feet sinking into the verdant grassland as he walked up a green hill beside her…then suddenly the image was taken away from him as Rey closed her mind to him. He felt bereft, lost. Whether those feelings were the remnants of hers or renewed ones of his, he couldn't be sure. They were so connected now; it was hard to determine the difference. "That's what you want?" He questioned.
"What I want doesn't matter." Rey's shoulders were slumped and her hazel eyes cast down in a mournful gaze.
The gloom of the wintry day crept into Ben like the damp from bare tinder. It seeped through the cracks of the Emperors throne room. It seeped into his pores, travelling to his heart which beat morosely. Then from under the steady blanket of grey cloud came the heavy rain that moved in a mist in chaotic directions, but was thick enough to soak his hair, making the long tendrils stick to his chilled skin.
"You got everything you wanted." Rey's question brought him out of the dark maelstrom of his thoughts.
"What?"
"The power." Rey's tone was neutral. She sounded like someone making conversation with a casual acquaintance. The light that had lit her up eyes when she was thinking about Naboo had faded. Now she just had an air of quiet acceptance about her, as if she had accepted her fate and was just waiting for the axe to fall. "You're the Supreme leader. Just like you wanted. Is it everything you expected it to be?"
A gush of air left Ben's lungs feeling raw and bleeding as he pondered her question. "No." The quiet admission was pulled from the depths of his soul. "I don't have any power. I am powerless just like you are. I'm trapped and I can't see a way out." He shook his head, his chin quivering slightly as he struggled to breathe. "You were right when you said I'm haunted. I can't sleep. I force myself to eat, but the food tastes like ashes in my mouth. I can't trust anyone. I'm alone all the time even when I'm surrounded by others. I hate it. I never really wanted it…I just wanted…." He stopped, his fingers raking through his damp hair when he realised, he had said too much.
"What do you want?" Rey prompted him. "What do you want, Ben Solo?"
"I want you." His admission was a quiet exhalation.
There, he'd said it. There was no taking it back now.
Rey's eyes were the softest brown infused with green. They were like the forest floor and the gentle flowers, somewhere to rest and breathe. Like Naboo. Ben watched as she rose gracefully to her feet. She extended her hand out to him. There was no hesitation when he reached up and took it, a burgeoning hope flowering in his weary heart.
A/N-thanks for reading. Please review.