Roronoa Zoro was a pirate. Through and through, there was absolutely no denying it. He talked like a pirate, he walked like a pirate and for the longest eye-watering time, he had smelled like a pirate, too… all traits they had come to learn were unfortunately hereditary because his hellspawn was no different. How this man had managed to woo her highly intelligent and sophisticated friend would forever be a mystery to her. An even bigger mystery than the location of Raftel, which really wasn't all that mysterious because said friend was a genius.
Maybe though… maybe she was more of a savant instead of a genius, because clearly she had no idea how to pick a partner. Now obviously she loved the idiot too, but she would never, ever have his babies. Not just because she saw him as a brother, but also because he was a dense fucking idiot that forgot his wife's birthday. How the fuck can you forget a birthday, that was celebrated with a huge party? Sure he had caught on at some point but it really takes a special kind of seaweed headed idiot to fuck up like that. Robin was the mother of his child for fuck's sake! Correction, the mother of his demon spawn… Ill weeds go apace, wasn't that a saying? Yeah, applied to fucking genetics, too. That kid had nothing from it's mother… And yet she, the best aunt in this entire world, would be babysitting today.
For free.
Because Robin deserved romance, and if her oaf of a husband couldn't manage that on his own, obviously she had to pick up the slack.
"Don't make that face, you should be fucking happy I'm not charging you for this advice," she snapped as he warily eyed the tie in his brutish hands.
"I just don't like restrictive clothing, is all," he muttered before reason finally and surprisingly won out and he slunked into the changing booth. Restrictive clothing her ass, he fought in suits all the time! It took him about 5 minutes of cursing before he admitted that he had no idea how to make the knot, which all things considered was a bit strange for a man with his preferences… not that she wanted to think about those!
It always surprised her how nice that boar could clean up and it was moments like these, seeing him all put together in a nice suit, almost combed hair and more or less freshly cleaned that she could kind of understand Robin's fondness for him. Kind of. He did look good in a suit and he was maybe a bit cute with that confused blush on his ears, but holy fucking damn if he opened that mouth of his. She tied the knot on herself before loosening it and shoving it over his head.
"I'm sure Robin would appreciate it if you changed your everyday rags for something nice like this every now and again and not only when we go undercover," she said, ignoring his muttering about not being the damn shitty ero cook, knowing full well that if she humored him now he would find a way to get lost enough to meet Sanji and start a fight. A fight that would not be beneficial for that nice fitted shirt she'd gotten him. Smoothing down the last wrinkles over his chest, she took a deep breath and looked up at him with her most radiant smile.
"If you even think about flexing in this shirt I'll triple your debt," she sang and knew that her dazzling smile had turned into a fairly ugly grin at the sliver of fear that had sparked in his eye. Ha, didn't matter how monstrously strong any of them got, she had all of them under control!
After a minimal amount of haggling she had gotten a 60% discount and they left the shop with a happy bounce in their step. Or she did, but she really didn't care that he was still a grumpy mess despite this awesome bargain. Hand wrapped tightly around his wrist lest he started to think he was capable of walking on his own like a big boy, she stopped to make a decision.
A romantic evening for two didn't only need a clean and clear second party. They'd need dinner and flowers and chocolates… maybe with tangeri- no, this wasn't her perfect date, as evident by the green-haired idiot tugging against her hold, this was Robin's perfect date. So maybe.. coffee? The restaurant she didn't have to worry about, Sanji had that covered, so flowers should be next.
The little bell over the door did a high chime when they pushed in and she instantly knew she had picked the right shop when she saw the youth behind the counter, all pimples and greasy hair and eyes bulging at her tight-fitted leather coat. That boy would give her a nice discount for sure!
Radiant smile in place she stalked up to the counter. "We need a bouquet for his wife, because he's an idiot and just has no love for soft things," she purred, taking special care to squish her boobs between her arms at the word soft and the boy sprang into action instantly, rattling off flower names that she never heard of and neither did Zoro she was sure. So she batted her eyelashes and asked for samples, which were promptly provided. Just as she was about to just give up, because maybe, just maybe she wasn't one for soft things either, and just go with the standard red roses her thoughts were interrupted by a very signature grunt. It might not have sounded any different from all the other undignified noises that man made all day, but she had known his amusement even before she'd turned around to see it sparkling in his eye, lips drawn into one of his wide, mocking grins that always made her hands twitch for her climatact.
"So, miss wooing Romance, you wanna admit that you're just as much a filthy pirate as I am? With no finesse and regard for the finer things in life?" He drawled, getting right in her face. She fucking knew it! Oh how she regretted leaving her weapon on Sunny as a show of goodwill, he really deserved a zapping right fucking now. She was obviously doing her fucking best! For him! His marriage!
But what did he know? He was infinitely worse than her!
"You know Robin doesn't give a damn about this kind of shit, right?"
"Well of course that's what she tells you, wouldn't want to fry your neanderthal brain with expectations, now would she?" She quipped back.
"Um… I could maybe jus-" the boy cut in but was immediately silenced when Zoro focused on him. Just wonderful, she'd had a nice thing going with the boy and now he had to fuck everything up by intimidating him.
"No, take the white ones, do your thing," he grunted and the boy nodded immediately.
"Great choice, sir, Casablanca are often used in wed-"
"Do I look like I give a fuck what you use them for? They suit her, is all. Now hurry the fuck up or that witch won't pay you a single beri."
What the fuck? Had pirate Roronoa Zoro just picked a flower for his wife because… they did suit her, she had to admit. They were elegant, yet kind of sturdy? And the white would be pretty with her dark hair… She looked up at him, faint blush on his nose, brows drawn in annoyance, his arms awkwardly at his sides after few failed attempts of crossing them over his chest in the tight suit. Damn right he better be careful with that!
The boy sent them out with a big bouquet, wrapped in several layers of newspapers to protect the flowers from the cold and with barely a dent in her wallet. He just seemed kind of glad that they had left.
Now, Sanji got the restaurant, Usopp and Franky took care of the cottage, they better did, so all that was left was the chocolate. They found a shop just a bit down the main Street on which Zoro had only tried to turn around twice, which really was a success in itself. Not for the first time she thought about putting him on a leash, but that would probably open a lot of doors that she didn't want to open. And honestly if she gave them a leash it probably wouldn't be him wearing the collar… Whole damn ship was full of fucking perverts… Her hopes for the kid really weren't all that high.
"This is ridiculous, she doesn't even like sweet stuff," he complained as soon as she had pulled him into the shop. Damn barbarian. Ooh they even had little heartshaped boxes for the chocolates! But before she could even calculate her preferred price he had shoved past her, boring rectangular box in hand to give to the pretty redhead behind the counter.
"Just fill it with everything dark and not sweet, so we can be done with this fucking bullshit."
That fucking idiot. Just how did Robin… Just… Just how?
"That bag of cashews, too," he added with a lot less exasperation and a hint of amusement instead… Right, what the fuck was up with the cashews? On long cruises with bad weather and marines Robin was all but addicted to them. She had to admit though, it was nice of him to have picked up on that.
Getting the bargain she wanted proved to be a bit more difficult in this shop since they only used the best ingredients and everything is made by hand and made with great care and love bla bla. Bullshit, Sanji could teach them a thing or two and he worked on a moving boat!
Hand again tightly wrapped around his wrist she lead them back towards the docks.
"So, you will wait right where I leave you, you will not just take a quick look at anything, if there is not a cannonball or an admiral coming, you will not move from the fucking spot until Robin comes down, you got me you meathead?" She asked, tried to emphasize by squeezing his wrist tighter but unfortunately he was basically steel and only muttered something under his breath.
"Speak up, do you understand?"
"Yeah, not moving got it, fine. Whatever."
Good, good. "Perfect. Then you will offer Robin your arm and she will navigate you to the Restaurant Sanji chose for you, then you'll do a moonlight stroll to the outskirts of town, where we'll have two horses waiting for you to take you to the cottage. There you will massage her feet and take a hot bath with her. The sky will be clear today, so after dressing in the thick robes I provided, you will ask her to go stargazing. And then under the moon, with hot mulled wine you will take her in your arms and kiss her tenderly, and you will look into her beautiful eyes and tell her that you love her. Got it?" Of course Robin would love that! It was absolutely perfect! What woman wouldn't love that? She would love that! Not with Zoro, but she would love that, so Robin had to, too!
She left him at the dock, only reminding him not to move a muscle twice, and hoping against hope that the idiot would listen. After getting the map in the kitchen, where both Sanji and Franky had dutifully marked their destinations she found Robin in the library, obviously.
Sunny wasn't big. So really, she didn't have any other choice than to follow Robin to the gangway and it was also completely coincidental, that she sat down on the grass within earshot.
"I see Nami planned a romantic evening for us?" Robin asked and of fucking course she only got a noncommittal grunt back in return. That damn oaf! It made Robin laugh though so maybe not all was lost yet.
"You got me flowers and chocolates, too? You know I don't need stuff like that, right?"
He scoffed, "Tell Nami."
Robin laughed again and it was almost unnerving how happy his grumpiness seemed to make her.
"Well, since she already went through the trouble of organising and offered to watch Tori, how about we make good use of this gift and I'll fly us right to the cottage?"
She wanted to scream, she really, really wanted to scream. And when she heard the heavy flap of wings and saw her friend rise to the sky with several pale limbs holding her husband close she just couldn't help it any more. All her frustration she screamed to high heaven, because these two idiots really, truly deserved each other. All this trouble, all the money and like horny fucking teenagers… Just fucking…. Gaaaaah!
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