Pepper Potts opened her eyes to an unfamiliar ceiling. She sat up feeling panic and then the room shifted into vague familiarity. She was at the compound. She remembered it now. She had stumbled up to the front gate of the compound, holding her breath, praying that Tony would be there.
He wasn't.
She was greeted instead by Steve and Nat. Seeing them at first she thought, maybe he is inside. But she quickly realized that he wasn't there. They didn't know where he was. No one did.
Hearing this news, she would have expected to scream, cry or even collapse, but instead, her face went blank and her entire being numb. "Come inside." Steve said, with a gentle hand on her arm. "You can wait here with us." They led her inside and seeing all the familiar rooms empty of Tony, tears stung her eyes. She swallowed hard, refusing to allow herself to cry because then the whole thing would be real.
Eventually, Natasha encouraged her to lie down, and started to lead her up to the suite she and Tony shared, but Pepper froze in her tracks. "No," She whispered, suddenly overwrought, and even sick to her stomach. "I can't . . ." Natasha's eyes grew bright, but she merely gave a quick, curt nod and said, "Okay, this way." That is why she had awoken to an unfamiliar room.
She lay back on the bed, trying to determine her next steps. Tony always teased and said that she was happiest when working her way through a to-do list, but her brain couldn't seem to sort anything out. The room felt far too warm, and her stomach churned when she thought about the last two days. She sprinted out of bed, arriving at the bathroom just in time.
She slunk to the floor wearily, holding a cool washcloth to her forehead. She felt terrible. The stress and shock of the last 48 hours seemed to fill her with a jittery nausea as though she'd had seven cappuccinos. She rose slowly, and leaning on the counter, studied her own red-rimmed eyes in the mirror. "Get it together, Potts." She told herself, and then after splashing her face with water, she went out to face them.
"Pepper." Rhodey said rising from where he sat on the couch in the common room, his arms outstretched to embrace her. She hesitated, recognizing the tide of emotion that lay just beneath the surface, ready to spill out. He didn't hesitate, however, and soon she found herself enveloped in his familiar hug. He kissed her cheek, and said calmly, "He'll be back. He always comes back."
Which up until this particular moment had been true.
She said nothing, and stepped away from him, turning to the others. "Good morning." She said softly.
"Afternoon, actually." Natasha said looking up from where she sat at the desk that ran along the back wall.
"Oh." She glanced at the window recognizing the late afternoon sun. "I guess, I . . ." She didn't know what to say. She felt dizzy, and sick and utterly lost. She had hoped that coming to the compound would give her clarity. She had hoped that coming to the compound would give her understanding over the mass chaos that had descended over the earth. She had hoped that coming to the compound would give her Tony.
"Sit down." Rhodey said, a hand on her shoulder. He guided her to the couch.
She sank into the cushions and tried again to think about what she should do next.
"You want something to eat?" Steve asked. He was sitting on the other end of the long couch.
She shook her head, nauseous again at the very thought of food. How could she possibly eat? People had been turned to ash.
"Skipping meals won't change anything." Natasha said flatly.
"Nat," Steve said.
"What?" She asked and then shrugged her shoulders. "We are going to need everyone if we are going to figure things out." Here she glanced at Pepper. "What do you know?"
"Nat." Rhodey barked. "Can you give her five seconds?"
"We need to know." Nat said, rising and crossing the room. "Look, I'm sorry and everything, but the world is in chaos. Have you heard from Tony?"
Pepper shook her head. "He called . . ." She hesitated, "Or I called . . . I don't remember anymore, but he was on that ship. Then he was too far away or . . . I don't know . . . the call dropped and . . ."
Rhodey squeezed her shoulder. "Okay." He told her gently. "That's enough."
"I was hoping he'd call and tell me . . ." Here she swallowed hard. "I don't know what . . ."
"You've tried contacting him?" Natasha asked.
"I said that's enough." Rhodey said angrily.
"No, it's fine." Pepper said, frustrated. "I would rather have something to do; something to think about. I've tried contacting him," She met Natasha's eyes. "I've done nothing else but try to contact him." She shook her head, another wave of anguish and nausea washing over her.
Natasha sighed, finally softening slightly. "I am sorry." She said more gently. "I am just trying to . . ."
"I understand." Pepper said, slowly rising. "What can I do to help?"
***IRONMAN***
They did what they could. The first step was to gather information - who was gone and who was still here. It was heartbreaking work. Happy had gone to see if anyone of Pepper's family remained, and only an older aunt had survived. She tried not to think of her mother, who had disappeared in an instant.
The world was an utter disaster: traumatized survivors, orphans, cars left everywhere, and animals left without their owners. It was an impossible task. They set to work immediately, rarely pausing to eat or sleep. Pepper did what she could, drawing on every bit of organizational skill she had. Often after the others had slipped away to eat or rest, she and Natasha would find themselves alone, still working and still determined to do what they could.
"We should probably get some rest," She told Natasha.
"I don't think either one of us are good at resting." Nat said, glancing up from her computer screen.
It was at that moment that, as so often happened, Pepper was hit with yet another wave of nausea, Nat glanced her way as she leaned against the table that she was standing near, trying to manage the dizziness.
"Pepper, you okay?" Nat asked with a raised eyebrow. "You ought to have someone take a look at you."
"I think it is just a lack of sleep and all the stress." Pepper said, steadying herself.
"Sure." Nat responded skeptically. "I'm sure that's it."
This had been happening recently. They kept saying things like that to her. Even Steve, who tended to be direct, made ambiguous comments that perplexed her. "Pepper, you sure something isn't going on with you?" He had asked just the other day, but she had just responded, "No, I don't think so."
It seemed like they all knew something that she didn't, which was an uncomfortable feeling. Until she had met Tony, she had always been the smartest person in the room - all through school and through her early work life. It seemed she had an ability to see clearly through most problems and almost immediately come up with a list of solutions. But she was a mystery to herself. Why was she still sick? Why was she the only one who was feeling sick? She began to wonder if being in close proximity of people who had been turned to dust brought with it some kind of deadly disease that they didn't want to tell her about, but that made no sense, as each of them had also been exposed. She tried to analyze what was happening to her in a logical, methodical way, but a cause seemed to escape her understanding.
She found some very basic things impossible. The very thought of food made her sick to her stomach, and she found sleep a tremendous challenge. She understood that she had been through a tremendous shock, and even knew that she was beyond exhausted. She hoped that at least her physical symptoms would sort themselves out soon. And as to sleep, she napped from time to time, but her dreams were filled with Tony so vivid and clear that when she awoke alone, she was overwhelmed with his loss again and again.
It was twelve days later that it occurred to her that the horrible shock of watching people around her turn to ash had become something she simply accepted. Thinking of those horrible moments, they had been in a meeting when nearly everyone in the room just disintegrated before her eyes, still filled her with pain and horror, but the physical shock of it was over. And yet, the feeling of nausea hadn't left her. Eating was nearly impossible. She wanted to ask Bruce about it, as Nat had suggested, but everyone was so busy. She simply pushed through, trying to ignore the constant low-level sickness that seemed to stay with her.
Late that night, she had gone to her new temporary home. She still couldn't manage spending more than just a few seconds in the suite she shared with Tony. She was sitting on the edge of the bed, wearing Tony's AC/DC shirt and a pair of shorts thinking that she should just crawl under the covers and sleep when a knock at the door made her look up.
"Come in," She said.
Bruce entered. He was carrying a tray. "You didn't really eat dinner." He told her, setting the tray on the table near the bed.
"I'm not hungry."
"Yeah," He responded. "About that . . ."
She looked over at the tray. He hadn't brought her a proper meal. There was a glass of water and a stack of saltine crackers. Her brow furrowed as she considered what he had brought.
"I know it probably seems impossible right now." He told her, "But I've got some vitamins for you. You should be taking them, and some folic acid, but I don't know that you can keep those down just yet. What do you think?"
She stared at him blankly, and then realization dawned on her. Her eyes grew wide and she shook her head. No, that's impossible - not now.
"No, I don't think . . ."
"I'm sorry." He said gently. "I don't mean to overstep my . . . look, things are pretty messed up right now, so I'm not sure what rules apply. This is personal and private, and not really my business, but I feel an obligation as a doctor, and well," Here he shrugged, "as a friend."
Pepper said nothing, still trying to process everything. Of course, how stupid she had been! Of course, everyone around had figured it out. It was so obvious!
"I hadn't thought . . ." She stumbled, at a loss for words. "Everything has been so . . ."
"I can run a test for you." He continued. "Or did you already do that?"
"No, I . . . No, I hadn't even . . ."
Bruce nodded his head. "Okay, well, we can do that first thing tomorrow. Or maybe you would rather if we found your own doctor? Are they still . . .? Do you know if . . ."
"No, you run the test." She said softly. "I don't want . . . It's too hard finding out that someone else is gone." She sighed. "It seems like that's all we do, all day - everyday."
"Okay." He said, and an awkward silence stretched out between them until finally he asked, "Did Tony know?"
"I didn't know!" She burst out, and then suddenly that last day in the park came flooding back to her. Of course! Of course, that endlessly annoying genius would somehow know before she did. Even lost to her, he still found a way to annoy her. "Not really." She told Bruce. "He had this stupid dream the day you came back and he thought it meant . . ." She shook her head, sudden tears springing to her eyes. "I told him no, but I guess . . ."
And she found herself sobbing, completely undone. She had kept it together through so much, and now a stupid tray of saltine crackers pushed her over the edge. She couldn't believe it. After all they had been through; the very difficult journey they had travelled together, and the one thing he had always wanted was something he would never know about. Somehow, she just really couldn't manage it anymore. How could she possibly be having his child now?
Bruce sat with her, saying nothing. She appreciated that he didn't attempt to console her with useless platitudes or empty words. He simply held onto her hand while she wept. After she had exhausted all her tears. He stood up.
"You should try and get some sleep." He told her. "And maybe try to eat just a little bit. Come and see me first thing in the morning. We will run the test and you'll know for sure."
"Thank you." She told him. "I don't know that I would have ever figured it out."
"I'm pretty sure you would have eventually." He laughed gently and smiled at her. "These are strange times."
"They are." She agreed and he turned to leave, but hesitated in the doorway.
"He'd be so . . ." He began but hesitated.
She nodded her head, her eyes brimming again with tears. "He just wanted a chance to have a family. It was everything to him." She said softly.
"You are everything to him." Bruce said, and she appreciated down to her core that he said "are" and not "were". He sighed. "Come by the lab first thing in the morning." He repeated, and then left.
She went into the bathroom and washed her face, and then stood staring at her own reflection trying to process everything. She'd been an idiot not to realize it, and thinking about it now, she wondered if everyone else knew before her. She stared at her own eyes, red-rimmed and her pale face. This was nothing like she'd imagined.
Tony had started talking about kids after they'd reconciled the last time. Actually, he started talking about kids right before they'd split up the last time. Her response had not been what he had hoped.
"Are you delusional?" She had exploded. "You want to add a child into all this?"
"Pepper . . ." He began and she could see he was going to plead his case. "You know family is important to me."
"To you, yes." She responded. "I am not so sure about Iron Man."
"That's not fair." He told her, frustrated. "Pepper . . ."
"Tony, I am not going to be a single mother. That's not happening."
"You wouldn't be a single mother." He said, shocked by her response. "Why would you be a single mother?"
"Honestly, how can someone as smart as you not understand the simplest things?" She was genuinely perplexed by his lack of understanding. Of course this was a subject they'd danced around for years.
"I love you. You love me." He said. "You would be a fantastic mother - let's face it, you've had years of practice trying to manage me." He winked at her. "And with your input, I could probably pull off a marginal attempt at a fairly reasonable Dad."
"Tony," Her voice had softened, and finally she said the secret truth that she carried with her every single day. "Someday you will leave and NOT come back to me."
"What?" His eyes grew wide. "What are you talking about?"
"It is just a matter of time. You might be the smartest man who has ever lived, but I'm not dumb, either."
"I'm not that smart." He said automatically, taking a step closer to her. "Hey, Pep, you don't really think that, do you?"
"Of course I do!" Here she was unable to hold back her frustration. "Look, it isn't your fault. You are who you are. I'm not going to try to change that. It can't be done." She sighed, sinking into the couch in exasperation. "And you are right, I do love you - with all my heart, but I also understand how this ends." She met his eyes. "And I won't be a single mom."
Thinking about it now, she realized that this was the conversation that began that last break. They had spent so much time avoiding facing this one truth, and when she had finally spoken it out loud, it had led to a break between them. It was the only time that they had broken up without any anger. It wasn't even a fight really, just her recognizing that to stay with him, was to guarantee her own heartbreak. She knew he longed for family - longed to build a home that was different from his own, but it was also true that he loved to fly off and save the world. He loved doing something good, but he also loved being the hero. He'd asked her about it again and again, after that first conversation. "You don't really think that, do you Pep? It was as though she'd pushed them both to face the difficult and horrendously painful truth - what he said he wanted, and how he lived were at odds with each other.
Of course, the break had been temporary. It was after she heard about his fight with Steve and the shattering of everything he had tried to build since he'd escaped that cave, that she had gone straight to him. He was physically battered and bruised, but it was the shattering of his spirit that had broken her heart, and broken the wall that had seemed to separate them. She had found him alone in the tower, expecting him to have fallen back into old patterns - drunk to dull the pain. Instead, she found him stone, cold sober.
"Alcohol couldn't numb this away." He had told her, his dark eyes without any spark. He'd wrapped his arms around her, burying his face in her shoulder. "Don't leave me, Pep. Please."
And she hadn't. Somehow, she understood that she would never leave him again. In spite of everything, even the shaky future that awaited her, she knew that she couldn't leave him. And now, the day she had dreaded for a decade had come; he had left and not come back, and she would be a single mother.
Without thinking, she ran a hand over her stomach, surprised to find that now this moment had come, she felt completely differently than she expected. Whatever else came her way, she had this one small tiny piece of hope; a part of Tony that would always be with her, and she understood that for the rest of her days, even to her dying breath, she would make sure that their child would know how much Tony loved him.
***IRONMAN ***
Standing looking up into the dark sky as the Quinn Jet landed, Pepper couldn't breathe. When Carol had come to them just a few days before , she had somehow allowed herself to hope again.
"I'll see what I can find." Carol had said to all of them, but pausing to meet Pepper's eyes, she'd hesitated. "I'll do what I can." She told her.
It was ridiculous to hope, of course. It was impossible, but then everything that had happened recently had been impossible. She had been sitting out on the balcony of their suite at the compound. It was a few days after Bruce had run that test that she had finally found a way to go back inside it. It was filled with so much of not just Tony, but of them - the two of them together. Now, staring up at the stars, she was thinking of Tony and wondering what he would have said, when she told him he was going to be a father. Her morning sickness had ebbed away in the last few days, and she had found it possible to sleep from time to time. She was, according to the tests Bruce had performed, 11 and 1/2 weeks pregnant. She had been pregnant when Tony had told her about his dream. She loved the irony of this; that he had been right. He loved to tease her and tell her that he was always right, and how he would have loved being right about this. She was watching the starry sky and wondering if somehow, maybe he was still alive, when she saw lights approaching. Her breath caught, and she was downstairs standing on the lawn without even realizing that she had risen and gone down.
Her shaky legs could only carry her so far, and as the jet landed, she found herself frozen and unable to move. Her fear overwhelmed her. Rhodey came and wrapped an arm around her. Steve glanced at her, and then said, "I'll go see."
And then the impossible came true, and he staggered, dazed and emaciated down the steps. Steve had run to greet him, and helped him across the lawn. Rhodey squeezed her shoulder. "Always." He told her. "He always comes back." And she found herself running forward to greet him, utterly stunned that he was still alive.
*** IRONMAN ***
He awoke from sedation slowly, and groggily. She had truly thought that his rage and anger at Steve, had drained the last bit of life from him. She truly thought it would be the end, but they had settled him into bed, and Bruce had told her. "He needs rest, and food, and water - and you. This will help him sleep, at least." Even after his reassurances, she had been unable to trust that he was back and that he would be okay. She sat beside his bed for hours just watching the rise and fall of his chest. She gave up any pretense of keeping to gether, and sat openly weeping.. Of course, after awhile it didn't matter, because everyone else had left. Rhodey had stopped in to see her before they left.
"Pepper?" He had said gently, leaning in the doorway of the makeshift infirmary that Bruce had set up in the lab.
Wiping her face, she had looked up at him, her eyebrows raised in question.
"We are . . . uh . . . we are leaving and I'm not sure . . ."
"What's wrong?" She'd risen then, and with a glance at Tony had gone to where Rhodey stood. "Nothing's wrong, but we are going to him; to Thanos."
"What? Why?" She felt genuine fear. "No. Stay away from him."
"No, look, it is fine. Danvers says she can . . . never mind. That doesn't matter. We'll be okay. I just wanted you to know. I'm not sure when we will be back." He glanced across the room. "How is he?"
"Exhausted." She sighed. "Bruce says he will recover but that it will take some time. He was starving, and . . ." For some reason, her eyes filled again with tears. "I don't like it, James, don't go. What difference does it make now? You can't undo what's been done."
Rhodey said nothing, but instead wrapped an arm around her, kissing her forehead. "Make sure you rest, too." He finally said. "And tell him . . ." He hesitated. "Well, I'm not sure what you should tell him. He's gonna be pissed we left him behind." He smiled at her. "Take care of yourself, Pepper."
The silence, after everyone left, was profound. It was just the two of them, and he slept on and on. Bruce had said he wouldn't wake up until the following morning, but it was in the early afternoon of the next day that he finally stirred. She'd been sitting beside his bed all night, but had never slept herself. She feared that if she closed her eyes, he would be gone, and his return was just a dream. She rose and stood beside the bed, as he slowly opened his dark eyes. He groaned softly, as though he was rising from a dark dream.
"Tony," She said softly. "Tony, it's okay."
He blinked at her, and then his eyes filled with tears.
"I'm sorry." He told her, which is pretty much all he had said to her since his return.
"It's alright." She soothed, smoothing the blankets over him. "Do you remember what happened?"
"I lost my temper." He recounted. "But I think that might be underselling it."
"A little." She agreed, and sat down on the bed beside him.
"I passed out?" He asked and she nodded her head. He reached for her hand, lifting to kiss her fingers. "Well, at least I'm consistent." He offered.
"You are that." She agreed.
"Yeah, I guess. So, Steve probably won't be coming to the wedding."
"Probably not." She agreed. He gazed at her, and she could feel all the pent up tears rising to the surface, so she broke away from him, crossing the room and pouring him a glass of water.
"You still want to marry me?" He asked as she handed him the glass which he immediately set down on the bedside table. "Pep?" Because of course she couldn't answer him. She was choking on sobs that she refused to shed, and turned away from him again.
"Are you hungry?" She managed to choke out.
"Yeah." He said distractedly. "But you didn't answer the question. Oh, god! Is this . . . did I . . . did I screw things up? I am always screwing things up."
"No." She said, standing beside his bed, and looking down. She pinched at the blanket on his bed, staring at her own fingers. "You didn't screw anything up." Her voice was a whisper.
"Pepper, the only thing I wanted was to come back to you." He told her, reaching out and capturing her hand in his. "That's all. I don't care about anything else. Just you."
"I . . .I didn't think that you . . ." She found speaking nearly impossible. "We all thought that . . ."
"I'm okay. I'm here. You were wrong." He told her. "And as soon as I can get out of this bed, I am going to marry you."
She sobbed then, unable to hold back. He tugged on her hand until she had clambered into the narrow hospital bed with him. He wrapped his thin arms around her as she wept.
"The kid is gone." He'd whispered to her, when her tears had begun to subside, and at first she thought he somehow meant their child, but then she realized he meant Peter; that he didn't even know about their child. "I couldn't . . . it didn't matter. Nothing I did mattered."
"I'm sorry." She ran her hand along his thin jaw. "I'm so sorry."
"Yeah, I'm sorry, too." He said meeting her eyes. "I can't think of one thing I am not sorry for right now." He kissed her forehead. "I should never have gotten on that stupid ship. It didn't make a difference."
"You are back now." She told him.
"I'm done, too." He told her. "As soon as I'm able, we will leave all of this nonsense to them. How about a little farm? Or a cabin somewhere away from everyone?"
"You?" She raised an eyebrow. "You on a farm?"
"It stretches the limits of imagination, I'll admit, but I had a lot of time to think." He said. "And I tried to think about what you would like and I thought just maybe you would prefer a simpler life; a quieter one."
"I just want a life with you." She told him. "I don't care where."
"Okay, a quiet cabin with just you and me." He told her. "Forever. I won't leave again."
"Tony," She said softly. "Not just you and me."
"No, I mean it. I'm not . . ." He sighed heavily. "I'm done with the super hero gig. It turns out I am terrible at it. When it mattered most, I was a dismal failure. So, you don't have to worry about anything anymore. I'm done. It will be just you and me and maybe an alpaca."
"An alpaca?" She raised an eyebrow at him. "No, that's not what I meant. I believe you. I just meant it won't just be us."
"True. I'm sure Happy will be there more than we want him, too."
"No, not Happy." She told him.
"Honey, I was completely out of food and nearly out of oxygen, so my processing is slow. Are we arguing?" He asked her, and she had to laugh then.
"No, we are not." She shifted and sat up so that she was facing him. "Do you remember your dream? Right before . . ." She gestured with her hand. "Before all of this."
"Dream?" He asked her, confused.
"You know, like when you dream that you have to pee, and then when you wake up you really do have to pee?"
"What? What are you talking . . ." And then his eyes grew wide. "What?"
"You are always right." She told him, and her eyes filled again with tears. "I didn't know then. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I . . ."
"You are pregnant?" He asked. "We are . . .What?"
"You were right." She said simply, suddenly shy. She watched his face change, as he processed it. His eyes grew bright, and he reached out to wipe a tear from his face. He leaned in close, kissing her. "Pepper!" He exclaimed and then he grew quiet and his face thoughtful.
"I made you a single mother." He said in a whisper, shocked and horrified.
She was stunned. Of all the things for him to remember, especially now after everything that had happened.
"Only temporarily." She told him, surprised that he had remembered her fear.
"I'm sorry, Pep." He tried to sit up, but was still too weak, so instead she lay back down in his arms.
"Sorry?" She told him. "I was so happy when I realized it." She told him. "Well, not happy exactly," She paused. "I was so devastated that you weren't here, and I thought you never would be again, but then I realized that you would be with me - forever. At least, I would have our child."
He reached out a hand, and he ran his fingers back and forth over her stomach, which although still fairly flat, was much firmer than it had been. "I'm marrying you, tomorrow, and the day after that, I will find us the perfect spot, and build a cabin. I'll build it by hand." He promised her. "No, wait, that's ridiculous. I will oversee every aspect of it and it will have every single thing you want."
"I only want you." She told him, laughing.
"I imagine you'll think of something else." He glanced at her. "You're sure?"
"Positive." She smiled at him.
"Alright, then, wedding, cabin and then nothing else. You, me, and our . . . our . . ." But he couldn't finish the sentence, so she wrapped her arms around him. He kissed her, and then said huskily, "Pepper, I swear to you, I'm never leaving you again. It will just be our family. That's all. Just us."
It seemed impossible to believe, Tony Stark, quiet family man, but they lived in an impossible world just lying beside him after he was lost to her for twenty-three days discussing their future home and child was proof of that. They were both battered and bruised, and she knew there would be difficult days ahead for him as he struggled with his perceived failures, as he learned to manage his grief. But somehow, in spite of everything that had happened they were still together which was so much more than most people had these days, and for her, it was more than enough.