Here to Hold Your Hand
None of them want to let go, but eventually they do. Immediately, Finn and Poe stare at her, deep concern in their eyes. The overwhelming warmth of their embrace had filled Rey's mind and flowed through every inch of her body, a glowing light washing out all darkness and sorrow. But now, pulled back into reality, a wave of thoughts, images, and feelings, too many for her to process, crash into her mind, and a strange numbness takes over. The jubilant celebration around her becomes a muffled roar, as if she is submerged underwater, separate from everyone around her.
She allows Finn and Poe to usher her over to the med-bay. They both chatter light-heartedly as they walk with her, each with an arm extended behind her back, but she cannot make out what they are saying.
They are still a few paces away from the med-bay when Poe is called off to attend to some important business, and he trudges off reluctantly, calling out what sounds like a series of heartfelt apologies. Finn stays with her. He stays while Kalonia checks her over from head to toe. He stays while Kalonia bombards her with a series of questions about what happened to her, how she feels, where it hurts (and she does not answer). He stays while her few remaining wounds are cleaned, treated, and dressed (it seems Ben healed most of them when he...) and the crusted blood left clinging to her skin is gingerly wiped away. He stays after Kalonia insists she rest and allocates her a bed in a more private space.
So she lies propped up in the bed, with a thin sheet pulled up to her chest. Finn sits on the edge of the bed, watching her silently, and she can feel gentle concern dripping from him.
The trembling comes on slowly. It begins at her fingers, and she grips the sheet in an attempt to stop it. Then her teeth start chattering. Soon, the convulsive shaking consumes her entire body, like there is a chill at her very core, now running through her veins.
Finn's eyes widen in worried panic, but he maintains a relatively calm demeanor. He glances around the room, his eyes searching desperately for something, then stands up from the bed. "I'll be back, alright?" he assures her, before hurrying off. He returns mere moments later, a soft, thick blanket in hand. He drapes it over her shoulders and wraps it around snugly around her shivering form.
It takes a few minutes, but the trembling gradually subsides. As her body relaxes out of its tense state, Rey becomes aware of just how much her limbs ache, and how tired she feels. Her exhaustion, combined with the comfortable, soft weight of the blanket, could easily drag her down into sleep, if it weren't for the storm of thoughts swirling and flashing restlessly inside her head, devoid of all coherence.
She must look dazed, like she is about to slip from consciousness, because Finn gently takes her arm and presses two fingers against her wrist. And an unsettling thought needles into her mind, the thought that, for a time, the pulse that Finn is feeling for did cease to exist.
"Are you okay?" Finn asks as he releases her arm, his dark eyes filled with a mixture of relief and worry. Then, he cringes, visibly, no doubt thinking his question is stupid, given all recently endured circumstances. But she knows what he means.
"I will be," she tells him. And she knows she will be, because she has finally found her family, the one thing she has waited for almost her entire life. People who love her and care about her. They are her light, a beacon that always shines bright and shows her the way home, a blazing hope that helps her to see through the darkness and know she is never alone. They are the people, like Finn and Poe, who would follow her across the galaxy into almost certain death with no hesitation, to stand by her side through her greatest trials. They are the people that offer her a sense of belonging so wonderful and powerful that it hurts, because she has lived so long without it, and now she never, ever wants to let it go.
And although Luke and Leia are not with her physically, she knows they are with her, and she knows they will be there for her when she needs them (but she misses them so much and wishes, more than anything, that they were here with her in the flesh, right now, and that she could throw her arms around them and hold them close and tell them just how much they really mean to her).
The numbness in her mind ebbs away and, suddenly, she feels it all. Everything. All at once. Grief. Pain. Shock. Heartache. Relief. Joy. Hope. It hits her all at once and pours over her like a wave, overwhelming her. The crashing is like an explosion in her mind, powerful and jolting. A tightening lump rises in her throat and it feels like a cluster of razor-sharp wires. Tears flood her eyes within seconds and stream down her face as she breaks down. Sobs erupt from deep in chest and rock her entire body. She wraps her arms around herself firmly, as if it's the only way to hold herself together. The emotions flood every inch of her being, and she does not try to stop them. She lets them flood, and flow, and fall over her like a heavy rainstorm, leaving her gasping for air as she simply tries not to lose herself in it.
Finn moves and slots himself into the space beside her on the bed. With care, he reaches his arm around her shoulders and pulls her close. She welcomes it, leaning into the embrace, and rests her head against his shoulder.
"Yeah, we're gonna be okay, Rey," he tells her in a deep, soothing tone, one so full of hope. "It'll take some time, but we will. I know we will. We've got our whole lives ahead of us. We don't have to fight anymore. And whatever we decide to do with our lives, we'll know we always have each other. You, me, and Poe. We're all gonna be okay."
She wraps her arms around Finn and holds on to him. His presence beams so brightly in her mind, a glowing reminder of the love and support she has found. Even before she realised Finn was Force sensitive, Rey knew they shared a special connection. It was there, right from the moment they met. Now, the connection pulses stronger than ever. As she relaxes quietly, her gasping breaths finally settling, she focuses on it, on the bright branch of light and life connecting them to one another. It gives her a sort of comfort, a reaffirming of that belonging and love.
"I felt you die."
The words make her stomach and heart lurch and, for a moment, she feels like she is falling.
"I'm sorry," Finn says, shaking his head. She can hear the trembling in his voice, the cracks on the ends of each word, threatening to break into a sob. "I'm sorry, I know now is definitely not the best time to bring that up, because you're probably feeling awful... but I felt it, and it was horrible and I thought –" He opens his mouth to continue, but instead presses his lips into a thin line and shakes his head once again, as if he is trying to shake the memory from his mind.
"It's okay, Finn," she reassures him, tilting her head to meet his downcast eyes. "I'm okay."
He nods, but says nothing. He just keeps holding on to her.
"Ben saved me," she adds quietly, and it feels strange to say it, almost like she is revealing a secret, something private and personal. She still cannot wrap her head around the idea that someone would willingly, wholeheartedly, sacrifice their own life for hers, that someone would view her life and her future as more valuable than their own.
Finn nods again, and she half-expects him to pry for more of an explanation, but he doesn't. He just keep holding her.
Silence falls over them, and in the silence, tears spring to Rey's eyes once again, and she lets them trickle freely down her cheeks. Tears of grief for everyone she has lost. Tears of overwhelming relief that she is alive, that Finn is alive, that Poe is alive. Tears of joy that she has found her family at last, her true family. Tears because the belonging she sought had never been behind her; it had always been ahead, just like Maz had told her. She knows that now.
Finn's arm tightens around her, and she feels the dampness of his tears as he buries his face in the top of her head. She reaches out to comfort him and, instinctively, her fingers brush against his hand, the one resting in his lap, smooth brown skin calloused and abraded from relentless fighting. Without hesitation, she interlocks her fingers with his and squeezes his hand reassuringly. The hand that dragged her on this crazy journey in the first place. The hand that grabbed hold of her and pulled her, despite her protests, straight into the hardest battle and most fulfilling adventure of her life. The hand that led her where she was meant to be.
And it feels like belonging, like safety, like friendship, like family, like love.
Like home.
And she knows it; she will be okay.
They will be okay.