The Bronze Deer

by Minerva Hivera Featherflight

In an alternate universe, Claudio (popularly known as Claude) and his gang of friends who are known as The Bronze Deer embark on foolish adventures in this stoner level comedy fanfic filled with fourth wall jokes, references to the actual game, random reality breaking mechanics, memes good and bad, and overall tropes that will kill off the last two brain cells or go out trying.

1. Episode 1: Meat The Bronze Derr!

Pilot Episode: Meat The Bronze Derr

-Raph's title, nobody touch it.

Lorenz: Raphael! Stop marking your titles with chicken bones!

Raphael: Whut? I wus hungry.

Claudio: Quiet you two! Can't you see we've got to introduce ourselves to our lovely (CL)audience here?

Raphael: Whut do you meen? I don't see N-E-1.

Leonie: Raphael, why are you talking so weirdly?

Raphael: I don't believe in the letter 'eh'.

Leonie: A?

Raphael: Ye.

Leonie: Raphael what kind of stupid dunderhead told you not to believe in the letter a?!

Raphael: Whut letter? I don't know whut you're referring to.

Leonie: WHAT THE EFF MAN?!

Claudio: Wait... So how do you spell my name then Raph?

Raphael: C-L-O-U-D-I-O!

Claudio: Raph, that spells Cloud-io. Can you just admit it the letter A exists?

Raphael: It doesn't.

Claudio: Yes it does.

Raphael: IT DOESN'T EXIST! I DON'T BELIEVE IN THE LETTER 'EH' or CIRCLES!

Raphael ran out the door fighting back tears, with his hands and arms flailing around like a peacock trying to mate.

BigNutz: Raph we haven't introduced ourselves yet!

Claudio: It doesn't matter, let's just get it over with. I'll start! I'm Claudio a pro gamer and excellent memer, but you might know me as Claude from Fire Emblem Three Houses. In fact we're all Fire Emblem Three Houses characters. We're The Bronze Deer.

Hilduh: I'm Hilduh, but you might know me as Hilda. We all come from an alternate reality, so some of us might differ. I'm very tough and I like to fight on the front lines. I also like ice caps and long walks through the jungle.

BigNutz: I'm BigNutz, known commonly as Ignatz, but that weak little pipsqueak ain't actually me. I crush people with my 40 lb nutz. Sometimes people use them as pillows when watching a movie. The doctors said I had elephantitis, which is a rare condition where one part or multiple of someone's body is huge. They said I should probably have them removed since they could become a real problem, but I told them no because the ladies would love me.

Leonie: I'm Leonie, and for some reason my name didn't switch between the alternate realities. Must have been a glitch when Byleth used a Record Pulse (a time's pulse for all you young-lings). Byleth is a DJ here, so instead of simply rewinding time, he said it had to "Be Flashayyy!" I like weed, weed, and weed. Thank god Raskolov, my dealer told me about eating the weeds. They're amazing. Mellow out with me some time.

Dimitri: I heard my name mentioned just now. I've just gotta thank y'all for using my street name since I'm still on probation and nobody can know. Don't worry Leonie, I got your mushrooms coming in soon, I've just gotta meet up with Ashe to give him the good stuff.

Lysithea: I basically live forever. Don't ask how, just accept it.

Lorenz: The name's Lorenz Hellman Muthaf*****' Gloucester B****, don't forge- Wait a second!

Lorenz froze and felt around his mouth with his hands wide-eyed and confused.

Lorenz: Did... Did I just get censored? WHAT THE F***! When did this happen? WHO DID THIS! COME OUT HERE SO I CAN BEAT YOU WITH MY MONEY BAGS!

Minerva Featherflight: I'm just going to stay behind this booth here, perfectly safe.

Mari Janne: Yo, who's that?

Lorenz: F*** THIS S***! My FATHER will hear about this.

Claudio: Who are you, Draco Malfoy? A-Anyways, let's just finish this up. Raphael left, so I guess I'll introduce him. Raphael is an American teen. He likes bench pressing, protein powder, unsavoury magazines, and PARKOUR. He dislikes Lorenz, anything to do with Lorenz and apparently doesn't believe in the letter a or circles.

Mari Janne: I like pissing off Hilduh and pretending that Uno isn't free on the xxxbox. By the way I'm Marianne, the sad girl in the original Golden Deer, but I learned to mellow out once Dimitri gave me some weed.

Dimitri: I TOLD YOU NOT TO SAY MY NAME! I AIN'T GOIN' BACK TO JAIL B****!

Byleth: I'm an emotionless dj and people really don't like my low level of enthusiasm when it comes to being a disc jockey. I also love Lysithea.

Lysithea: Aw, Byleth. I love you too, sweetheart.

Claudio: I do believe that's everyone.

Cyril: Hey guys my name is Cyril, I really love-

Everyone in unison: Shut up Cyril, nobody cares!

Cyril slunk back into the shadows quietly sobbing into his McDonald's kiddie meal.

Claudio: I hope you all remembered that information. This is a comedic s***post series and we'd really love to give you a look into our everyday lives here. By the way I was sponsored to say that. Once again, we are The Bronze Deer and this is our first episode. Now let's go prank Raphael since he skipped out on the introductions.

Hilduh: Hey Claudio, why is there a script being typed out as we speak above our heads?

Claudio: Don't worry about it. Pay it no attention and I'm sure you'll forget about it soon enough. In fact, you must be seeing things. There is no script.

Hilduh: Claudio, I know you're up to something.

Claudio: Moving on! Let's go prank Raphael, it will be fun.

The Bronze Deer headed out to walk into Raphael's room, and Claudio had the rest of them wait in the doorway since Raphael seemed to be asleep. Claudio got a great idea and pulled out his EyeFone Ten. He pulled up YouNoob and typed Jellyfish Jam Bass Boosted Earrape 10 Hours and hid underneath Raphael's bed, waiting to press the play button. Claudio turned on redtooth and signaled BigNutz to grab Raphael's redtooth speaker and hand it to him. Claudio asked BigNutz to pocket his EyeFone Ten as he handed the phone over and made his way back to the door frame, careful not to step on his big nutz. Claudio leant back against the side of the wall, put some noise cancelling headphones on, along with earplugs and told BigNutz to play it at full volume.

The chaos that followed was almost impossible to narrate with how fast the action unfolded.

Raphael: EEEEERGHHH WHUT THE F***! IT HURTS! CLOUDIO YOU STUPID SCHMEMER, WHERE R YOU HIDING!

Raphael dove for his headphones and threw them on his head, and then slipped and fell face first onto the floor, where he saw Claudio under the bed grinning and laughing like a madman. Claudio stopped laughing when he noticed Raphael had spotted him and he couldn't escape from under the bed.

Raphael: WHERE IS IT CLOUDIO!

Claudio: Here you go Raph, have fun trying to find my phone though.

Raphael fell for the taunt, completely forgetting there was a switch on his redtooth that turned the power off and glared at the rest of The Bronze Deer howling and wheezing in the doorway.

Leonie: Don't look at us, we don't have anything.

Mari Janne: Yeah, Claudio just told us to watch him prank you.

BigNutz: Lorenz has it.

Raphael glared down at Lorenz, curling his right hand into a fist and hitting his left palm with it, ready to beat up Lorenz

Lorenz: Don't lie you little s***! My father will here about this if you don't stop. Raphael, BigNutz has it, trust me you big oaf!

Raphael turned his anger towards BigNutz.

Raphael: I don't normally listen or uh-gree with Lorenz since I h-eh-te him so much, but if I know Cloudio, he wouldn't give it to Lorenz since he's obvious b-8. Cough it up or tell the truth if you don't wish for me to stomp your enormous nutz!

BigNutz: Okay, okay! I'll turn off and disconnect Claudio from your redtooth speaker. Although you could have just turned off the speaker.

Raphael: Grr! Shut it. I knew I could.

Claudio: Well we're going to play some uno so we thought we'd bring you along Raphael. To make up for it, I'll let you play in the first game guaranteed.

Lorenz: Why Uno Claudio?! You KNOW I never win that stupid game. I've lost 887 times out of 887. It's a rigged game.

Claudio: We have to entertain the readers so we have to play something fun. Come on, let's return to the living room where we started.

They all walked into the living room, Raphael still grumbling about the prank.

Claudio: Cyril, turn on the xxxbox.

Claudio sat down on the couch along with BigNutz, Lorenz and Raphael. The rest pulled up chairs and watched.

Cyril: You're all closer to the xxxbox than I am.

Claudio: No complaining. I don't pay you for that.

Cyril: I don't get paid at all.

Cyril turned the xxxbox on and turned to face Claudio.

Cyril: Claudio, since I turned on the xbox, can I at least choose the game? I want to play Fortnut sQUAAAADs with you.

Claudio: There's some dust that needs sweeping and a corner missing it's pal Cyril.

Hilduh: Huh. Whadda ya know. Even in an AU fanfic Cyril can't escape being a bench-warmer.

Byleth: HA! I'm emotionless but even I found that funny.

Cyril returned to his dark corner sobbing and Claudio booted up Uno.

Claudio: Alright readers and viewers. BigNutz, Lorenz, Raphael and the magnificent Claudio are going to play Uno for your entertainment. Watch us gang up on Lorenz and make sure he doesn't win again.

Lorenz: Shut up Claudio, I'll beat you this time, filthy cheater.

Claudio: Tough talk for the guy all on his own.

BigNutz: We're gonna beat you harder than you beat Cyril whenever you get pissed hahahaha.

Lorenz: Shut your commoner trap loser. You commoners are such filthy liars. I'll prove you wrong right now. Start the match Claudio!

Claudio pressed the start button and the round began. The first card up was a +2 to Raphael, who shouted giddily and happily accepted his two cards despite having another +2 in his deck.

Claudio looked at his hand and was greeted by the usual sight, all reverse cards. A few rounds went by and Lorenz, BigNutz and Claudio all were down to four cards while Raphael kept drawing up to a total of 12 cards.

Claudio: Don't you have any colour at all Raph? What are you doing?

Raphael: I'm collecting cards. First to thirty cards wins, right?

BigNutz: Ahahaha Claudio. He actually believed Leonie when she told him her 'secret way to win the game' last time she played.

Claudio: Oh my lord Raphael. Yes, that's 'totally' the way to secretly win. BigNutz, Lorenz and I are just trying to win the traditional way.

Raphael: Well I'm gonna win this time!

Leonie: Wait Raph! According to this text on the top of our heads, you're using the letter a again.

Raphael: It's too difficult to speak without it. Pronouncing things is hard, so I decided to not believe in the word 'turmoil'.

Leonie: WHAT THE FREAK?! Ugh. You're hopeless Raph.

A few more turns in the game passed by and BigNutz heard Lorenz giggling.

BigNutz: What are you laughing for?

Lorenz: This is why.

Lorenz laid a card down and the game shouted Uno!

Lorenz: UNO B****ES! F*** YEAH!

Claudio: Stop him BigNutz! You're the only one who can.

Claudio picked up since all he had in his hand were reverse cards.

BigNutz: Don't worry, I got him right where I want him.

Raphael picked up a card again and both Byleth and Lysithea stood up, Lysithea giggling while Byleth massaged her shoulders.

Byleth: Lysithea and I will be going to my room now. Try not to disturb us.

Mari Janne: Can you f***ers not be so loud this time? Claudio and Hilduh always go at it loudly and not even my weed can save me from the pain of being trapped between two love crazed couples.

Lysithea: No promises. Sometimes the time is just right. Besides, you can't kill me. I somehow come back every time. We all do.

Cyril: But Lysithea, I wanted to hang out with you.

Lysithea: Sorry Cyril. Why don't you go support with me on Fire Emblem Zeroes? Oh wait! You're not in that game!

Hilduh: BURN BABY BURN! That roast was hotter than Gronder field after Edelgard set the ballista platform on fire in the other reality.

Byleth high-fived Lysithea and the two of them walked away. Cyril was about to sob some more but he realized he didn't have any more McDonald's. For some reason, Cyril could only cry when he ate a kids meal. Maybe because he felt like an embarrassment.

BigNutz: HAHA! I've got a card that will make you have to pick up. Eat s*** Lorenz!

BigNutz slapped a card down in the game that read "Relinquish your title of nobility or pick up 25 cards."

Lorenz: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

Lorenz picked up the cards and sulked angrily. Even though Claudio had only two three cards, since all his cards were reverse cards, every time he switched the direction back to Raphael, Lorenz hit him with +2 or +4 change colour cards and this made the match draw out long enough for Lorenz to come back down to two cards. Claude picked up since his sixteen cards were all reverse cards, and so did Raphael, who was sitting at twenty-eight cards. BigNutz prayed for a miracle and picked up since he couldn't do anything else, but sadly he couldn't go. With nothing else to do, Lorenz started shouting at the top of his lungs like a maniac.

Lorenz: F*** YEAH! I DID IT! FINALLY, I WON! IN YOUR FACE NOOBS AND COMMONERS! FINALLY SOMETHING POSITIVE TO TELL MY DAD ABOUT!

Claudio nodded at Hilduh, signaling her to unplug the xxxbox 360 while Lorenz was caught up in yelling out his victory speech. Hilduh moved towards the xxxbox, rummaged around where the cords were and was just about to unplug it when Lorenz noticed what was going on.

Lorenz: HILDUH DON'T! I SWEAR TO F***ING SOTHIS HILDUH! DON'T YOU F***ING DARE DO IT!

Lorenz played his card as fast as he could but before the 'You Win' screen could pop up, Hilduh unplugged the xbox and the screen went dark.

Lorenz: WHAT THE F*****************! NOOOOOOO! SOTHIS DAMNIT!

Lorenz whipped out a pistol and dook dook dooked the TV, leaving three bullet holes in the screen. The TV started to smoke and the wiring started to spark a bit. Then Lorenz ran up to Cyril and open-palm slapped him twice across the cheek. Cyril dropped his pop from McDonald's all over the floor and felt his face.

Cyril: OWOWOWOWOWOWOUCH!

Claudio: HEY! THAT'S ENOUGH! Don't slap the orphan!

Cyril: Thanks Clau-

Mari Janne: Without inviting us to slap him too!

Cyril: ohno -_-

Everyone else besides Byleth and Lysithea who were busy getting their freak on and Lorenz who was still fuming ran to the kitchen and grabbed some frozen tuna fish from Dimitri's cooler that he left there a day ago and lined up to smack Cyril with their tuna fish and eventually from all their hard work moving their forearms when slapping Cyril, they passed out. Even Mari Janne, who normally needed to 420blaze it to fall asleep.

Cyril eventually got up off the floor and pulled out his phone to use the camera app and see how swollen his face was. Turns out, if there was an award for face that looked most like a chestnut shell, he would most definitely have won it. Cyril was about to turn off the phone when he remembered what Lysithea said to him.

Lysithea (past flashback): Why don't you support me with you in Fire Emblem Zeroes? Oh wait! You're not in that game!

Cyril: That's right! I know exactly how to get them back! Fire Emblem Zeroes!

Cyril booted up the app, and the loading screen yelled "FIRE!..." at 300% the normal volume. The intro never really sounded completed, but the game was out for three years now so Cyril assumed it would have been fixed by now. Nevertheless, Cyril pushed the button. First he found his Lorenz, equipped him with an iron lance, took off all his slot skills and seal, and did the same for Claudio, Raphael and BigNutz. He equipped their weakest weapons and removed all the skills and seals. He then put them in a team and shuffled the arena mode until he saw a duo Hector.

Cyril: Perfect. Now all I have to do is suicide them into this duo Hector, reset the match with the hack Claudio installed on all of our phones and do it all over again.

Cyril ran into the corner again, faked being knocked out and spam-killed them over and over again. The funny thing about the end screen that tells you you lost was that the music would play , which always gave Cyril the chuckles. One by one the four of them in front of Cyril all glitched a bit and buzzed, fading out and then back into reality. The four of them clutched their stomachs in agony, but it only lasted a few seconds before they'd come back, so Cyril had to time it correctly, and he did. There was almost no window where they stayed with a grounded and present body, most of it was them feeling an axe in the gut over and over.

Claudio: Ah! Sothis Damnit! Who's doing this.

Lorenz: I bet it's that brat Cyril!

Raphael: Cyril you little s***! I see you there! When I catch you there, uewewehe, you're dead meat.

BigNutz: Ohohohohoho the pain! It hurts so badly. Why did my gigantic, bouncy, beautiful, uncontestedly large nutz have to be so huge! Ohohoho the pain!

All four of them began to slowly stand up despite the pain and Cyril began to worry.

Cyril: How are you standing up?! You shouldn't be able to bear the pain!

Byleth and Lysithea entered the room, wondering what all the ruckus was about.

Lysithea: Hey guys! Good thing you didn't come knocking by our door the last four hours eh?

Lysithea took a look around at the situation and the state of chaos the room was in.

Lysithea: Wait, what the f*** is going on?!

Cyril: I'm giving them payback Lysithea. Wanna go out after this?

Lysithea: Ew! Who'd want to go out with a broke-a**, no job having, plain jane clothes wearing, can't read a book head a**, where's my Lady Rhea frickin', thumb suckin', baby pansy like yourself?

Cyril got up, withholding his tears and started to run away from Lysithea, sucking his thumb, but he hit an invisible wall where the entranceway should have been and fell to the ground, knocked unconscious.

A sign above Cyril flashed along with a sound effect that said "Fatality". Nobody knew where it came from, but it was fitting, and all who were awake knew there was a more pressing matter at hand here.

Claudio, BigNutz, Raphael and Lorenz finally let go of their stomachs, able to breathe after being K.O.'d multiple times from the death-fest they just endured. Claudio pried the phone out of Cyril's hands, turned off Fire Emblem Zeroes and pocketed the phone away.

BigNutz: Now, what was that thing Cyril just bumped into Claudio?

Claudio: I don't know. Maybe he's just that stupid.

Mari Janne sat up and stretched her arms up to the sky.

Mari Janne: Are you referring to the place where I heard a voice coming from earlier?

Caludio: You heard a voice from this weird invisible wall earlier? Why didn't you say anything?

Mari Janne: I did! Just watch this flashback.

Lorenz (past flashback): Did... Did I just get censored? WHAT THE F***! When did this happen? WHO DID THIS! COME OUT HERE SO I CAN BEAT YOU WITH MY MONEY BAGS!

Minerva Featherflight (past flashback): I'm just going to stay behind this booth here, perfectly safe.

Mari Janne (past flashback): Yo, who's that?

Lorenz (past flashback): F*** THIS S***! My FATHER will hear about this.

Claudio: Wow, so you really did say something.

Claudio looked up at the text above Mari Janne's head and stared at a name he hadn't recognized before.

Claudio: Who's Minerva Featherflight?

A voice coming from the direction of the invisible wall spoke back.

Minerva Featherflight: I'm the author of this written series. You're going to be uploaded relatively soon. I'm just looking for a cut-off point.

BigNutz: Does that mean you're the one writing this text on top of our heads?

Minerva Featherflight: Yep, that would be me. Punch it, it's attached to you so if you punch it, you'll punch yourself too.

Raphael: I'll bet five dollars it doesn't hurt me.

Raphael punched his text box and doubled over on the floor.

Minerva Featherflight: Alrighty! Everyone heard it from him, that guy owes me five dollars! Now it's time for me to wrap this up.

Claudio: Hold on, there's alot we need to know. Why are you here, and what's up with this invisible wall.

Lorenz: Yeah, my stash of mountain dew and doritos are back there.

Minerva Featherflight: Too bad Gloucester boy, the premiere episode is ending now. I don't know how else to end it, so say goodbye.

Lorenz: Good... Bye?

Minerva Featherflight: Perfect. Goodbye folks. Next time (if there is one), you'll be going to McDonald's to free Seteth and Flayn with a bunch of other things to do. Pat yourselves on the back or something. You did good for a stoner level s***post comedic parody. Bye viewers!