Hi!

Another SoC and Kanej OS from me. It was supposed to be a birthday present to one of my dearest friends at first, but well, she was born in November so I'm quite late, isn't it? Still, I wrote it, and you get to read it too! This one is set almost a year after Crooked Kindgom, and a few months after my first OS, Walking the Wire (they're stand alone, though, don't worry!). I know Kaz's birthday was a while ago, but I loved the idea so I kept writing about it.

There's no TW, just cute Kanej and brooding Kaz too, because hell it wouldn't be Kaz without brooding. He might come off as a bit OOC, I really didn't want to, but I deeply believe Kaz will find peace and take off his armor for Inej at some point.

Again, English is not my first language, so don't be too harsh!

Enjoy. :)

"When I take a look at my life,
and all of my crimes,
you're the only thing that I think I got I right."

Kaz hadn't always hated his birthday. The first eight years of his life, it had always been a day filled with love and laughter. His father would come back early from work to give him a present, as small as it was, and Jordie dedicated his entire day to him. All they did was play games and eat chocolate. His father made his favourite plate for dinner and they ended the day singing songs until they fell asleep, their bellies full and their minds at ease. Kaz had been pretty sure by then his birthday was his favourite day.

But then his father died, and Jordie too, and Kaz Rietvield himself had ceased to exist. He didn't celebrate his rebirth and he certainly didn't celebrate his first birth either. Not anymore. Kaz Rietvield was dead. So why celebrate a ghost's birthday? Only his father and Jordie knew how to make him feel special, and so without them he had decided he would never acknowledge his birthday ever again.

However, Inej being Inej, she had asked him one day when was the day he was born. He hadn't wanted to tell her, but she always knew how to get answers from him. He had told her the wrong date at first, the one he used to punish himself, to never forget Jordie's death – but then he had told her the truth. A day he wished could never exist so he wouldn't even have to think about it – and this day was today. And there was always a conscious part of his brain that knew. It made him want to break something.

So, obviously, his mood wasn't the best. He was even harsher than usual, yelling after the Dregs and wanting to be alone. Inej had been back from the high sea for a few days and she had been staying with Jesper and Wylan, knowing better than to remain with Kaz on this day. Kaz knew Nina was also back in Ketterdam after a year away, but he didn't want to see her. Not yet. Not today. He couldn't allow himself to spend the day with people who knew him a little and who would look at him with worry. Because after all he had done to them, these stupid people still cared about him. And he hated it. At least that's what he thought.

He couldn't, of course, ignore the way his heart missed a beat every time Inej showed her care. Her trust and even her love. Their relationship had reached quite a new level over the last few months – they had been writing to each other every week, and Kaz had found himself talking about everything, and not only about business; when she came home, they slept next to each other, never quite touching but still close to hear the other breathing. They were holding hands a lot and, if they hadn't done more, they had started flirting a little, their voices sometimes filled with intense desire.

But things weren't only great with Inej. Jesper and Wylan were also a constant in their lives. Always making dinner for them, even when Kaz was alone – and surprisingly he did come, sometimes. Nina always sent letters from her adventures, wherever she was at the time, and even through her grief, she was still making Inej burst out laughing, and Kaz had once thanked her for that. "I have to do what you cannot do, you idiot", she had replied to him in a letter, but had ended it with a "thank you for always protecting her, though" and it had settled their weird friendship.

It shouldn't have been a surprise that they all had organised a birthday party for him.

Nina had come up with the idea, thinking it could cheer him up a little after she had threatened Inej to give her the reason of his bad mood. Kaz had felt betrayed at first, but he also knew he could trust Nina with the information, and Wylan and Jesper, too. He didn't mind them wishing him happy birthday as long as they stayed away from him and didn't do more.

But that was until he stepped through the door of his room, only to be welcomed by a dim light and…

"Happy birthday!"

Nina, Jesper, Wylan and Inej were staring at him, a cake in front of them and balloons floating all around the place. He almost decided to murder them right there, but he just made his way to the stairs, furious. At least it was just the four of them, but what right did they have to-to do this? To make him relieve memories he didn't want to, to make him feel as if… as if I still had a family. He climbed through the window and welcomed the fresh air.

Downstairs, Inej sighed and rolled her eyes.

"I'm going to check on him. Please do have fun and enjoy the cake, okay?"

The others nodded, looking a bit guilty but also a little hurt. They knew Kaz's friendship wasn't something they had to take for granted, but it seemed like they would never be able to reach him completely. They still tried to party.

Inej knew exactly where to find Kaz. He was sitting on the roof of the Slat, his back pressed against cold stone. Winter was harsh this year and frost had started gathering everywhere. Kaz didn't seem to mind, though. He seemed lost in thoughts. Inej shivered, fighting against the cold and went to sit with him, making herself a bit noisy not to startle him.

She tried to reach his gloved hand but he was quick to move away. He almost flinched, the way he used to when they first tried physical contact, and she knew instantly he might feel really bad.

"I can't," he said. "Not... not today."
"Of course," Inej answered softly.
"I know they didn't mean wrong, but I can't deal with my birthday."
"It's okay."

He was looking at the stars but she was only looking at him. The sky didn't matter when he was in pain. He hated her for caring so much. But he loved it, too. A lot more than he'd ever admit it. Inej thought about how much it meant, to see him like this – vulnerable, not hiding even a bit of his sadness. It was just him, Kaz Brekker, without his armor. She could have smiled. But her heart hurt too much for him.

"How can I help you?" She said after a while.

She saw his eyes light up a little at her words. That was their own way to reach out; every time one of them had a bad day or woke up from a nightmare, the other was always quick to ask that little question – how can I help you? What can I do to make your life a little less miserable, to share your burden with you, to make the memories go away? Inej almost always wanted Kaz to stay with her, to envelop her with his strong arms, to feel his scent, not the ones of men she could remember way too clearly. She loved to eat, too, because the feeling of food always kept her in the present moment. So, when she was feeling too down, Kaz would make his way to the streets of Ketterdam and come back with the best waffles of the city.

His ways to cope were different, a bit too much like Kaz, but he had found a way with time to make room for her, to accept her help. It was always important to avoid physical touch, skin against skin, but they had discovered after one of his bad days that her hair didn't rise any water. He had always loved her hair – long and soft, braided or not, a real waterfall covering her back. After so much time spent on a ship, it had grown a little drier, but the sensation of it between his finger had seemed to calm down Kaz no matter what and she always let him touch it when he wanted to. She didn't mind – she loved the way he could spend hours stroking them, always with a gentleness she didn't know he could have, as if she was the most precious thing in the world.

"Just… stay with me? Talk to me about something. Anything. I need to think about something else."

She nodded, then looked at the stars, smiling faintly.

"Do you know anything about them?"

She pointed at the shining little dots. He shook his head.

"I've spent a lot of time wondering about them when I was little. Suli people are night owls by nature, we always enjoy a good night spent outside, in the calm of the wild. The stars were a little like my friends, I could find them every night. Even when I came here… one look by the window and I knew I could face another day."

She paused and took a deep breath, not wanting to remember her time at the Menagerie.

"I once asked my father what they were, where they came from. I was expecting a wise, deep Suli story about how they stood for our Saints, but no. He just told me they were pieces of the space falling down."

She laughed lightly, remembering the disappointed look she had served her father then. But he had made it up the next night when he had told her a beautiful story about people falling in love under a sky full of stars. Maybe that was it: the moment in the story when the boy and the girl shared their deepest secrets, bathed in moonlight.

"What did you do for your birthday when…" When everything was fine. "Before coming to Ketterdam?"
"Not much, actually. We played games, sang a little. My father and Jordie made the whole day about me."
"You sang? Saints, I would do many things to hear Kaz Brekker sing!"

He smiled a little and she took it as a small victory.

"Don't get your hopes up, Wraith. The songs I know now would shock even you. I've spent too much time at the Slat."
"Oh yeah? Try me."

She made a challenge of everything and it made him smile even more.

"My voice is not good, you know." He sounded a little self-conscious, and it was so unusual she had to stop herself from staring at him with bewildered eyes.
"I've had Nina singing to me with her terrible voice not so long ago, I think my ears don't know what's a good voice any more. And anyways, I've always loved yours."

He rolled his eyes, but she could see he was amused, and a bit uncertain, too. When was the last time someone complimented Kaz? She almost dropped it when she heard him clear his voice. And then, he did it; he started singing a little, humming a song she didn't know, and she felt herself shiver, because there were no bad words in this song, nothing vulgar; it wasn't coming from the Barrel, she realized. He was singing a lullaby. One he could only have learned in his childhood. He had an even raspier voice when he sang, but it wasn't particularly bad. It brought tears to her eyes and she had to turn her head a little so he wouldn't see them.

When he was finished, she looked at him again and when their eyes met, she silently cursed the little butterflies that were rising in her stomach, asking for attention. When did they become this? When did she manage to make Kaz Brekker, the Bastard of the Barrel, take his armor off for her? She tried to take his hands again, and this time, he let her. They were gloved, but there was so much tenderness in this gesture she could feel her heart tighten.

"Thank you," she said softly.
He raised his eyebrows. "I'm pretty sure it's the first time in my life someone thanks me because I sang to them. Aren't you supposed to sing on my birthday?"

She poked him a little, an amused light in her eyes. It looked like the stars. How could he ever look at the sky again and not feel disappointed when the stars dancing in her eyes were so, so beautiful?

"I think… I think I'd like to show it to you. The farm where I grew up. We could use it to make another office there, quieter." Or to spend a little time alone, away from the world, he thought. He didn't say anything. She understood.
"Of course! I would love that."

Her shining smile was the best birthday present he could ever get.

They stayed this way for a while, looking at the sky, enjoying the warmth radiating from each other. Inej wanted to kiss him. Not tonight, she thought. But one day. And she was certain of it, she realized, amazed. They had made it this far, and nothing was keeping them from going further. She had hope. Kaz had made her hope. The heart is an arrow. How come it had landed so true?

"Do you want to go to the party?" She finally said, standing up. "I'm sure the others would be glad to see you a little. We can still sit alone in a corner; they're used to it."
"Sure" he nodded. "But let's wait a little so they can think I'm trying to find the best way to kill them right now. I have a reputation to keep, Wraith."

She laughed, and he was quite sure the whole purpose of his birth was to hear that sound. He really didn't mind it then – celebrating another year of his life; but only if it meant spending it with Inej by his side.