A/N: Written for KakaObi Week 2020; prompt: Walmart
This is half of a collaboration that I did with the incredible artist, Berry Doodles. Both the art and link to their Tumblr can be found in the AO3 version of this story.
I do not own these characters; I'm having a wonderful time getting them arrested.
"You would not believe what I saw last night." Sakura set her books down on her desk and flopped into her chair.
Shikamaru arched a single eyebrow but otherwise remained unmoved. He sat with his chin on his desk, too tired to bother with bringing his books to class. Ino, on the other hand, couldn't contain her eagerness and turned both her body and her full attention toward Sakura. Chōji acknowledged her between mouthfuls of chips, "What happened?"
Sakura glanced over her shoulder to confirm that she had a larger audience of eavesdroppers, and was rewarded with Sasuke's obvious interest despite his cool, unaffected exterior. Naruto was scooting his desk closer to the group so he could properly hear.
"I saw Mr. Hatake at Walmart," Sakura half-giggled, half-whispered.
"You shop at Walmart?" Ino snorted.
"Shut up, Pig!" Sakura's cheeks flushed almost the color of her hair as she stole a sheepish glance at Sasuke.
"Weeeeird," Naruto exaggerated the word as his bright blue eyes widened. This drew Hinata's attention, and she peeked over the top of her book, curious despite her acute shyness.
"I know, right?!" Sakura latched onto Naruto's reaction, as it was just what she hoped for.
"So, what? Teachers have to shop too, especially with so many cuts to school funding," Shikamaru yawned.
"Trust me, Shikamaru," Chōji crunched as he spoke, "that's weird."
"Hn," Sasuke agreed.
"Not as weird as his clothes," Sakura's voice rose, bolstered by Sasuke's participation in the conversation. "He was wearing blue jeans and a t-shirt that read 'If lost return to Obito,'" she covered her mouth to hush her laughter.
"That must've been a gift from his husband," Ino didn't bother to hide her laughter. "I can't even imagine him dressed like that! He's always so formal and stuffy at school."
"You've met his husband?" Naruto rounded on Ino.
"Oh, yeah, I have, and he's a wildcard let me tell you," Ino took the spotlight from Sakura.
"I-well, I-I-I…I think he's nice," Hinata attempted to pull some of Naruto's attention to herself.
"He came into my Dad's flower shop once," Ino steamrolled over Hinata's contribution to the latest hot take, "and I thought he was the man that had come to school a couple of times to bring lunch to Mr. Hatake. But when he bent over to look in one of the coolers, it confirmed it."
Ino broke down laughing and needed to recover from it before speaking again. "I saw a tattoo on his lower back that read 'Kakashi's' with an arrow pointing down at his a—"
"I saw it too!" Sakura squealed, "when he was being pushed into the police car," she managed to lower her voice a little.
"Whaaaaaat?" Naruto had risen out of his chair to lean over his desk.
"What was Mr. Hatake buying?" Chōji opened another bag of chips as he asked the burning question that he thought was the most important.
"Um, let's see," Sakura tapped one finger against her chin as she recalled the details. "He had a basket on the ground next to him with toilet paper, dog treats, a pack of red pens, and lubricant."
Shikamaru let his head fall to his desk, while Ino squirmed in her seat. "Was it that cop that came here to search our lockers?"
"Yep and he was wearing that kerchief and chewing…whatever that is he always has in his mouth," Sakura replied.
"I know what I'd like to put in his mouth—"
"Who cares about that?" Naruto asked while Hinata hid her beet-red face behind her book again. "Why was he being arrested?"
"Hn," Sasuke chimed in.
"Shoplifting, I guess." Sakura shrugged. "Apparently, it wasn't the first time either. The manager was absolutely shrieking at Mr. Hatake about never being allowed to shop there again while he filmed the whole thing on his phone."
"Was it the one with blonde pigtails that always looks angry?" Ino snickered.
"How would you know that if you never shop at Walmart, Ino?" Sakura teased her friend. "Anyway, Mr. Hatake's husband was out of control, shouting about the evils of capitalism and how rich the Walton Family is anyway while the cops were cuffing him."
"He's not wrong," Shino made his presence known by speaking up. "The Walton family members own the largest portion of shares in their retail chain. Their estimated net worth is one hundred and thirty-six billion, making them one of the wealthiest families in the world. Most of their employees make less than sixteen thousand a year, while they make twenty-six thousand per minute from their dividends alone—"
"Geez, Shino, you scared me. I didn't know you were in this class," Naruto eased himself back into his chair.
"I've been sitting next to you all year," Shino pushed his dark glasses higher up the bridge of his nose.
"Alright, everyone, settle down so I can get roll call out of the way," Mr. Hatake greeted his students as he strode into the classroom. He set his briefcase down on his desk and looked up. "Good, all the desks are full, so you're all here," he scribbled on the attendance sheet, then turned to his chalkboard, "Today we're going to start a new unit, and yes, there'll be a quiz at the end of the week—"
"That explains the red pens," Shikamaru groaned.
The electronic chirping of a ringtone echoed in the room, and Mr. Hatake set down the piece of chalk he held to pull his phone from his shirt pocket.
"No cell phone use during class, Mr. Hatake," Kiba jeered, and a wave of laughter rippled over the entire classroom.
"Ah, excuse me, I have to take this. Open your books to page three hundred and twenty-six," Mr. Hatake instructed as he quickly walked to the door, and bringing his phone up to his ear.
He muttered, "Yes, I'll accept the charges," as he closed the door behind him, pulling one final round of snickers from the small, gossiping group of his students.
The End