A/N: Yeah, I had some inspiration and did this oneshot. Looking back on the original story there's so much stuff I would change, particularly I'd like to go back and fix all my dumb typos and tone down the hildavid romance (sorry to the literal one dude in the reviews who's an adamant hildavid shipper, womp womp). I also wanna tweak some dialogue to make stuff feel a tad more in-character. I know it's a T-rated story or whatever, but like, Johanna is so pure and nice? She woudn't say fuck. Also David can reel it in a bit with his little meltdown in the car with Hilda in that one chapter. That's just a couple things, I won't bore y'all with the deets. I'll get to these edits eventually and I'll probably repost the whole story whenever I get the motivation. Anyway, hope y'all enjoy this. If you hate it, then, i dunno. Sorry. Thanks for the click. Whatever. Also, started chatting with a friend on Discord, and it looks like there's gonna be a proper sequel to GITM in the future. It won't be written by me however, so it may not be in the same continuation of what I've written thus far. But from the ideas I've heard, I think it'll be pretty neat. Hopefully everything pans out nicely.
Anyway, I wrote most of this sleep deprived. Go nuts.
It's been a little over a year since Hilda and David embarked on their quest to find the Amulet of Åpenbaring and uncover the secret behind the enigma that was formerly Hilda's father, Heinrich Falkenberg. Since then, life has mostly returned back to normal. A new normal, anyway. Of course, David is still killing it with his band, and Hilda is still the best zookeeper in Trolberg. However, the couple moving in together didn't last too long. After about a month, Hilda decided to return home to look after Johanna, who had a nasty fall and damaged her collar bone; accidents do happen, and Hilda wanted to be there for her mother in her time of need.
At least once a week, Hilda will drag either Twig or David (ideally both) out into the wilderness to track down some random creature from Heinrich's journal so Hilda can draw it in her sketchbook. Frida consistently tells her to post about her endeavors to the Zoo's social media accounts, but Hilda is adamant about not using such platforms when she's trying to enjoy nature.
Heinrich spent most of his life adventuring, and as you can imagine, one encounters a wide variety of creatures during an entire lifetime of transience. A lot of them are benign; one-eyed woffs, squirrel-gophers, and white-spotted flying ferrets were among Hilda's favorites. Anything small, cuddly, and cute was generally up Hilda's ally.
Of course, any living thing in the wilderness was up Hilda's ally in general. She had a great deal of love and respect for all living creatures. David, on the other hand, acted with a bit more adversity in some cases; particularly when Hilda wanted to do things like scale a volcano so she could get some sketches of trolls made from volcanic rock that vomited lava.
Today's adventure, of course, was nothing other than business as usual. Hilda, Twig, and David were hiking through the Great Forest northwest of Trolberg. They were searching for a rare bird Hilda found in her father's journal; typically, Heinrich would leave a good deal of information about a creature documented in his journal, but this one in particular seemed to elude him. There were only a few short descriptors, including the area in which he saw the bird, and a blurry polaroid image of it mid-flight. In the picture, the bird looked like a simple blur of colors. Heinrich had noted that the bird had...
"..Spectacular blue and green feathers, David! Vibrant as the sky and the grass! It's all here in Dad's journal!" exclaimed Hilda.
The now 24-year-old adventurer (and zookeeper; gotta keep that resume updated!) marched through the woods, with a pair of binoculars dangling from her neck, as well as her satchel bag, which carried essentials such as water, snacks, a compass, and of course, her sketchbook. She was accompanied by none other than David, her romantic partner of about one year, and Twig, her long-time deerfox companion.
"I'm just glad we're looking for something nice and peaceful this time. I love birds," began David. "My back is still sore from that time we went looking for troll eggs.."
"I'm sorry! I didn't know the mother was gonna come back to the nest and suplex you into the dirt.." said Hilda sheepishly.
"I mean, we heard her stomping from a mile away, but you wanted to stay because you weren't done sketching, so.." said David, who was cut off by a high pitched noise coming from the sky.
"Shhhh, David, look!" said Hilda, pointing up at the bright afternoon sky.
"What, what is it!? I can't see anything!" exclaimed David.
"It's the bird! The one from Dad's journal!" announced Hilda, excitedly. The vibrantly colored bird squawked loudly as it swooped down from the sky.
"No kidding? Sweet! Maybe we'll be home for dinner after all!" said David, rubbing his hands together.
"Whoa, it's flying pretty low… I wonder if it's… oh my!" exclaimed Hilda.
"What? What is it?" asked David, getting nervous. Before he could do anything else, the blue and green bird swooped down and promptly landed on David's messy head of hair.
"Gasp! Oh my god, David, don't move a muscle.." said Hilda, as she began reaching for her sketchbook. Twig began growling at the bird. "Shhh.. easy boy.." cooed Hilda.
"Hilda! Hilda it's on my damn head!" whisper-screamed David.
"I see that dear, it appears he's mistaken your head for a viable nest," whispered Hilda.
"What? My hair doesn't look like a nest!" continued David.
"Well you didn't brush it enough this morning or something, so it does, ok? Look, just hold still long enough for me to get a good sketch and don't make any loud noises, we don't want to scare it away.." said Hilda.
"Ahh… Ahh… Ahh-!" went David, feeling a tickle in his nose.
"David, don't!" exclaimed Hilda.
"Ahhchoo!" sneezed David, with enough volume to not only scare the bird, but provoke it. It let out another mighty squawk and began incessantly pecking David's head and face.
"Ahhh! AHh! Oh god! Ahhh!" cried out David in extreme pain, as Twig began barking loudly.
"Alright, well, that was rather traumatic…" said Hilda, breaking the silence on her and David's car ride back to the city.
"Yeah, that's what you always say.." said David, rolling his eyes, his voice tinged with frustration.
"What do you mean?" asked Hilda, raising an eyebrow. David rubbed the temples of his heavily injured face.
"Look, Hilda, I love getting out here in nature, spending time with you 'nd all, but I swear, every other time you drag me out on one of these excursions, I get seriously hurt! And every time that happens, you say the same thing! tHaT wAs rAtHeR TrAuMaTiC!" complained David, mimicking Hilda's voice.
"Hey, I don't sound like that!" began Hilda. "Besides, you love getting out in the wilderness with Twig and I!"
"I enjoy getting out in the wilderness with you and Twig. I would love getting out in the wilderness if I didn't get used as nature's punching bag half the time. I would love it even more if you didn't pull up to my apartment at 7am unannounced to whisk me away on some naturey rigamarole fueled by your lust for adventure!" replied David.
"But those are the best adventures! The unplanned ones! The ones that are brought on by the realization of a single goal in mind!" said Hilda, speaking passionately.
"Those are also the ones I tend to get hurt on the most.." groaned David.
"Well, what am I to do? I'm an adventurer, David! Sometimes the call to adventure isn't always voluntary.." said Hilda.
"I'd appreciate it if you gave me a bit more heads up before making some big decision to scoop me in your car and drive 5 hours to the mountains! We're a couple, there are some decisions we should make together. Like, y'know, whether or not we want to agree to letting our souls stay in Limbo for all eternity after we die.." said David, raising an eyebrow.
"Ughh, this again? David, you were unconscious! Kuzo was going to kill us! What was I supposed to say? Actually Mr. Kuzo sir, I'd like to consult my partner David before agreeing to your terms, he's K.O.'d right now but I'd like to wait for him to wake up because we're a couple and we make some decisions together!" mocked Hilda. "Besides, you said you weren't mad!"
"Hilda, I was amazed I was even alive at the time! Of course after I processed what you told me I didn't feel great about it! Life is so weird when you know that no matter how good or bad you act, you're gonna be faced with infinite nothingness and boredom when you die!" said David.
Before the argument could escalate any further, Hilda had arrived at David's apartment. The two shared a rather apathetic goodbye and David got out of the car.
David watched as Hilda drove off towards her home and rolled his eyes as he entered his building and traveled upstairs to the door of his apartment. He unlocked it and entered, kicking off his shoes and other "adventuring" gear he had on him; a small backpack, a cozy vest, and a fortified pair of jeans. His face was sore and all he wanted to do was relax. However, relaxing seemed to be one of the only things he couldn't do as of lately. He and Hilda had been fighting more and more frequently over the past few months. For a while he was convinced it was a simple rough patch that would inevitably pass, but lately he was worried the relationship was on its last legs. In times of uncertainty, he'd always turn to his bandmates for advice. Since leaving Trolberg as a child, Nessa, Ahmed, Daoud, and Nathan have been his closest, most trusted friends. He sent a message to their group text.
"Hey guys, I need advice. Big time. Skype in 5 minutes?"
David grabbed his laptop and a beer from his fridge. He plopped down on his couch and opened his device, pulling up Skype. He joined a call with his bandmates.
"Daviiiiiiiid!" exclaimed Ahmed.
"What up, D?" asked Daoud.
"Hey David! What kinda beer ya drinking? Is that Sapporo? How is it?" asked Nathan.
"Boys! David called us because he needed to talk about something, quit suffocating him! What's up, big guy?" asked Nessa.
"Thanks, Ness. It's uhhh.. It's about Hilda," said David.
"Trouble in paradise, Romeo?" asked Ahmed.
"I guess you could say that. We still go on our little adventures, but sometimes it's like I'm being dragged against my will. Whenever she gets a 'call for adventure' it's automatically go time, ASAP… and the adventure usually ends up with me getting injured, typically in a cartoon-like fashion," said David.
"...Isn't that sorta how it was when y'all were kids, though? Random adventures? Danger? Injuries?" asked Daoud.
"Well yeah, but now I'm an adult and we're like, an item. We have jobs and careers. I can't afford to nearly die, like, three times a month anymore. It was just easier when we were younger, when we were friends…" said David.
"I remember when we met Hilda at the Zoo before Troll Fest. That wasn't too long before you guys got together… wasn't that also the first time you saw her, in like, years?" asked Nathan.
"Yeah.. I didn't even recognize her," said David.
"I mean, Hilda's a nice girl, but it sounds like things were a tad rushed, yeah?" asked Daoud.
"They're onto something, David. You two went on that whole crazy, intense, adventure after Troll Fest too.. Could it be that the intensity of that whole experience like… brought you together? And maybe when things went back to normal, you started to realize that maybe you and Hilda didn't necessarily reconnect enough on a platonic level to start a healthy relationship in the first place?" suggested Nessa.
"Well… jeez, that's a pretty good point. Thanks guys! This helped a lot. I've gotta get going now, I'm starving and I'm hungry after being attacked by some strange bird," said David as he waved goodbye to his bandmates. After everyone said their farewells, David hung up. He sighed deeply and took out his phone and sent Hilda a text message.
"Hope you got home safe. Wanna grab breakfast tomorrow? I got something I wanna talk about with you."
When Hilda finally arrived home, she was feeling downright mopey. Even Twig hopped in the front seat on the drive home from David's pace to comfort her.
She didn't like arguing with David. Even if she felt she was in the right, she never enjoyed the feeling left in her chest after arguing with someone. She did feel bad about David getting hurt, but having the same argument over and over with him was draining. Why couldn't he just let go of the whole Limbo thing? It's not like she was happy about it either, she was just doing what was necessary for the both of them to survive.
Hilda promptly pulled off her scarf and boots when she entered the apartment. Twig immediately curled up on the couch. Johanna was sitting at her desk, sketching trees using pictures she took from a local park as reference.
"Why the long face, dear? Couldn't find your bird?" asked Johanna.
"No, I did find it actually… It, uh, attacked David. A little bit," said Hilda, scratching the back of her head.
"Oh dear, I'm sorry Hilda. I'm sure you'll find it again! Is David alright?" she asked.
"He'll be fine. You know him; quite the resilient fellow. But we, uh… sorta had an argument on the drive home.." said Hilda.
"Oh no! What about?" asked Johanna. Hilda sighed loudly.
"He was complaining about how often he gets hurt on our adventures, and then it turned into how I'm impulsive when I bring him along on adventures sometimes," said Hilda.
"To be fair, Hilda, you do tend to fly off the handle a little when overtaken by the spirit of adventure and nature and whatnot.." said Johanna.
"Alright, maybe I am a tad gung-ho from time to time. But! David brought up the whole Limbo thing again and I'm so tired of it. It's not fair! I only did what was necessary to save us. Why does he have to hold it over me?" asked Hilda.
"If you ask me, I think it's his anxiety. He was knocked unconscious, and when he woke up, his eternal soul essentially became an I.O.U. for Limbo. I wouldn't be surprised if he subconsciously viewed that as a loss of control. Feeling like you've lost control of your life, or at least an aspect of it, isn't an uncommon trigger for people with anxiety," explained Johanna.
"I understand that, but he doesn't need to hold it over me. It's not gonna change anything…" said Hilda, growing frustrated.
The two sat in silence for a brief moment before Hilda spoke up again.
"I don't know. Adventuring with David was never this difficult when we were just friends…" said Hilda.
"Maybe that's just it, dear. You and David haven't been proper friends since childhood. For all intents and purposes, David was a different person when you finally reconnected with him," said Johanna.
"What are you saying?" asked Hilda, raising an eyebrow.
"Isn't it possible that, maybe, you and David rushed into things a little?" asked Johanna.
"Yeah, maybe… I just feel like things have just.. Slowed down romantically between me and David after everything with Dad went down last year.." said Hilda.
"Well, then maybe it's time you cut things off with him, yeah?" asked Johanna.
"Yes? No? Maybe? I don't know. I was out in the woods all day, I need a bath," said Hilda, the conversation beginning to stress her out.
She went into the bathroom and drew a bubble bath. Nothing in the world feels better on the muscles after a long excursion in the wilderness like a tub of hot bubbly water. Hilda sighed in relaxation as she lowered herself into the tub. After sitting there for a moment, she decided it was too quiet in the bathroom, so she reached for her phone to put on some music. As she scrolled through Spotify, she saw a promotion for Sola Manor's upcoming album Reality is a Ruse & Everything is Falling Apart. Last week, David had explained to her that he got the idea for the album title from something Ahmed said after snacking on some random mushrooms he found while they were on a band-buddies camping trip.
Though the antics of David's quirky bandmates entertained her a great deal, the thought of the boy she thought she fell for a year ago was filling her mind with melancholy thoughts. She knew what she had to do. She started drafting a text to send to David.
"Sorry for earlier… I think we should talk tomorrow, are you fr-" Hilda's typing was interrupted by a text message from the man of the hour; David.
"Hope you got home safe. Wanna grab breakfast tomorrow? I got something I wanna talk about with you."
She blinked as she read and then reread David's message. What were the odds they'd text each other at almost the exact same time? Hilda deleted what she had written and began retyping.
"Was actually about to text you, I wanted to talk to you about something as well. Cafe Volana at 10am?" texted Hilda. David responded a few minutes later.
"Sounds like a plan. I like their croissants. See you then," he wrote.
Hilda looked at her phone; 10:15. It wasn't like David to be fashionably late, and she felt awkward sitting at the cafe table alone, considering the conversation she was about to have. As she began eyeing the dessert case across the room and contemplated ordering a lemon tart, David walked in and sat down.
"Sorry I'm late, I ran into some kid on the street who recognized me and started talking to me about how he writes album reviews and how he really wants to review the new record even though he thought the last one had songs on it that were, and I quote, shallow and pedantic," said David.
"Well, that was nice of him to offer. Hopefully none of the new stuff is shallow and pedantic.." chuckled Hilda.
"I just wish I could be there to see the look on his face when we drop the single 'Shallow' and follow up with 'Pedantic," quipped David.
"Are there actually songs from the new album called Shallow and Pedantic?" asked Hilda.
"Oh, uh no, it was a, uh, joke.." said David, awkwardly.
"Ah, I see," said Hilda. The two sat in awkward silence for a brief moment.
"So you wanted to- no it's okay, you can go-" the couple stammered at the same time, before reverting back to awkward silence.
"Sorry about that," said David.
"No, it's alright! I was just gonna say-" began Hilda, who was then cut off by a waitress.
"Good morning, welcome to Cafe Volana! My name is Sophi, what can I get you two?" she asked.
"Oh, uh, I'll take a chocolate croissant and a cappuccino with oat milk, please," said David.
"And I'll have a lemon tart and some green tea, thank you," requested Hilda.
"Sounds good! I'll have that out to you in a jiffy!" said the waitress as she walked back towards the counter.
"So you were saying, Hilda?" asked David.
"Right, our argument the other day got me thinking-" started Hilda.
"It got me thinking too, actually, that's sorta why I invited you here," interjected David.
"It just got me thinking about how much more we've been bickering over the last few months, and I feel like we might have rushed-" started Hilda before being interrupted again.
"Oh my god, I'm sorry, are you David from Sola Manor?" asked a random woman who had walked up to their table with a male companion.
"Nope. Not me. Never even heard of a band called, uhh, Solar Panel," said David, desperately trying not to make direct eye contact with them.
"Hahaha, that's him! Classic David Stoff, pretending he's not in BBC Radio 1's favorite rock group!" said the boy.
"David, you do realize your fans know what you look like, right? Your face is on a billboard next to the A4 leaving Trolberg," said Hilda, slightly annoyed at the situation.
"Stupid marketing team.." muttered David below his breath.
"Hey, I just wanna ask for my cousin in England, is there gonna be a tour date in London later this year?" asked the starry-eyed woman standing before David. David took a deep breath and looked at the woman.
"Yeah! We're super excited. London is a major city for us. Lots of great memories playing there!" said David with a smile.
"Yay! That's so cool! Can I get a selfie, if you don't mind? My cousin won't believe I just ran into you here!" said the woman. Hilda rolled her eyes.
"I mean, I'm from Trolberg, and I live- y'know what nevermind, yeah you can have the selfie!" mumbled David as the woman snapped a picture and went on her merry way.
"Y'know, sometimes I really can't tell if you love or loathe fame.." said Hilda as their waitress came by with their orders and quickly set them on their table, before rushing off to wait on more customers.
"Neither can I, welcome to the club. Anyway, we clearly both came here to say something to the other. We should just say it on three before another kid recognizes me and decides it's selfie time," suggested David. Hilda sighed and nervously rubbed her arm.
"That's not a bad idea.." she said. David began counting.
"1…. 2…."
"I think we should break up," said David.
"I think we should see other people," said Hilda.
The two looked at each other awkwardly for a moment, until Hilda broke the silence.
"I just think we may have rushed into this relationship.." she said as she began sipping on her tea.
"I agree, we didn't really reconnect enough plutonically-" began David.
"Platonically?" corrected Hilda.
"Yeah, platonically. We didn't reconnect enough platonically when we came back into each other's lives.." said David.
"You're right. We had lost touch for so long, we didn't take the time necessary to reacquaint ourselves as friends," said Hilda.
"Exactly! I'm glad we're on the same page!" said David, with a soft smile.
"...So, what now?" asked Hilda. The smile disappeared from David's face.
"I don't really know… I'm, uh.. Sorry for the other day. And all the bickering in general. You're right. I shouldn't have held the Limbo thing over your head. You didn't have a choice. I need to accept it," said David.
"It's alright, I'm sorry too. I was thinking about it, and you're right. I should've made a more consistent effort to plan out our adventures with you, especially the more dangerous ones.." said Hilda.
"That means a lot, Hilda. Maybe on our next adventure, we can go find that bird again!" said David, smiling again.
"Next time? ...You still want to adventure with me?" asked Hilda.
"Oh, uh, I mean, yeah.. If you're okay with that, of course.. I figured maybe we could keep adventuring.. as friends?" suggested David, twiddling his fingers. Hilda smiled.
"I'd like that David. It'll be just like old times. Aren't you tired of getting hurt, though?" asked Hilda.
"I mean, yeah. I might even turn down the gnarlier adventures, but I still love getting out in nature, and even despite the problems we've been having, I still can't think of a better person to be stuck out in the wilderness with. I guess I just needed to realize that it's better to be by your side as a friend, not your partner," said David.
"So… I'm guessing you're not down to ride woffs this weekend like when we were kids?" asked Hilda, smirking.
"Ahahahaha! Hahahahahaha! No," laughed David.
"Well, it was worth a shot," said Hilda as she began to dig into her lemon tart.
"There it goes! C'mon, let's follow it!" exclaimed Hilda as she and Twig started running through the trees, once again chasing the elusive, unnamed, colorful bird.
"Wait up!" said David, trailing just behind his blue-haired friend. "You know I'm not a runner!"
"You run perfectly fine when we're getting chased by a Troll!" called back Hilda.
"That's panicked running! This is chasing-a-bird-through-the-woods running!" panted David.
The bird winded around each tree with ease, eluding the adventurers who wished to capture its essence with pencil on paper. Eventually, it swooped into the opening of a large, dark cave.
"Oh my, what's all this?" asked Hilda, stopping at the cave's opening.
"It.. (pant) appears.. (pant) to be a… (pant) cave.." said David, exasperated from the mad dash through the woods. "Hey, you got any more water in that satchel?" he asked.
"Drink up," said Hilda, as she nonchalantly tossed David her water bottle and began examining the cave's entrance.
"What do you think, boy?" asked Hilda, petting Twig's head. "Should we go in and have a look?"
Twig sniffed around the entrance and growled slightly, before trotting off into the cave's darkness.
"You heard 'em David, let's follow!" said Hilda, taking out a flashlight.
"I'm not sure about this. But, I haven't been seriously injured and we're a solid two hours into this adventure, so I'm feeling lucky!" said David as he and Hilda entered the cave's depths.
The two entered the cave and stepped with caution. It was dark and damp. Stalactites hung from the ceiling; David looked up at them and shivered.
"I don't like stalactites. They remind me of teeth. It's like I'm walking inside a very long mouth," said David.
"This might've been a bad idea. This place is huge, we're more likely to get lost than find that darn bird.." said Hilda, defeatedly.
"Hey, what's that over there?" said David, pointing at a purple glowing light coming from deeper within the tunnel.
"Hmm.. only one way to find out!" said Hilda as they continued down the tunnel.
After another hundred or so carefully-navigated paces into the dark cave, they found the source of the light. It was a tablet, half buried in the ground. One side was covered in ancient text that glowed purple.
"Whoa.. what is it?" asked David.
"I don't know, but it looks old. Really old," speculated Hilda, kneeling down next to it.
Twig approached the old tablet with caution. He sniffed it to get a sense of whether or not it was dangerous, but the nature of this object confused him further. He lifted one of his tiny paws and nudged the edge of the tablet. When he did, the entire tablet lit up a bright, vibrant purple that illuminated the whole cave.
"Ahhh!" exclaimed Hilda, shielding her eyes.
"What's happening!?" exclaimed David.
A large purple aura lifted up from the tablet. The illuminated mass of wind shot directly into Twig's mouth and nose. His eyes turned bright purple and he began to glow with the tablet's aura. Before David and Hilda could comprehend what was unfolding before their very eyes, Twig stood upright on his hind legs, like a human. His back was turned to the bewildered adventurers.
"T-..T-Twig..?" murmured Hilda.
"GreEETiNGs, wary travelers!" said Twig, in a warped, high-pitched voice as he quickly spun around to face the two.
"T-Twig? You can talk?" exclaimed Hilda, not sure to make of this situation.
"Why do you sound like that frog-wizard guy from that one episode of Adventure Time?" asked David.
"I be not a twig! My name is Flurbhphth, and I be a Story Spirit! I've taken control of thy adorable pet as a vessel for communication!" proclaimed Flurbhphth.
"I'm sorry, your name is what?" asked Hilda.
"Flurbhphth," he repeated.
"That's not a- What? You just made a fart noise!" said David, frustrated.
"David, don't be rude!" berated Hilda before turning to Flurbhphth. "What is it you want with us, uhh.. Spirit?" she asked.
"Listen to my soul story if you wish to gain safe passage through this ancient tunnel of rock!" he exclaimed.
"Awwe, that's cute! Go on then!" said Hilda, delighted.
The possessed body of Twig waddled on his hind legs over to a boulder sitting next to the cave wall, and climbed on top of it, struggling slightly at first but ultimately succeeding.
"This is weird," whispered David to Hilda.
"Oh hush! Come on, he's adorable! And completely harmless. He just wants to tell us a story!" replied Hilda.
"SILENCE! I am to begin," bellowed the spirit. David and Hilda looked at each other awkwardly as the spirit cleared his throat.
"Heh hem… now THIS be a tale! All about how my life journey became reversed, turned on its head! Now I'd wish to take a moment- please, take a seat -and I'll spin ye a tale about how I became the ruler of Blair!" recited the spirit. Almost immediately, something about this didn't sit right with David. The spirit continued.
"In the western lands of Fila-Del-Fia, my mother gave me life. Frolicking in the fields is how I spent many a day. 'Twas contemplating, maximizing, in a popular fashion, whilst participating in the kick-ball by yonder schoolhouse, when two ruffians with a dastardly agenda began causing a ruckus in my villa-" said the spirit before being interrupted.
"Alright, alright, hold on! I see what you're doing!" exclaimed David.
"DARE ye interrupt my tale, meatchucker!?" exclaimed Flurbhphth.
"David, what are you doing!?" urged Hilda.
"Do you not get the bit? He's just reciting the lyrics from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song! Except he's saying it all fancy like!" said David.
"David, don't insult his story!" cried Hilda.
"Yes! Don't insult my story, DAAAVIIDDD!" mocked the spirit.
"It's true! The original lyrics are like, 'Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside-" began David.
"DAVID, NO! The copyright!" cried Hilda.
"Ugh, screw this! I'm going home. I'm over this bit," said David, walking back towards the cave's entrance.
(A/N) Alright, that's enough, I'm shutting it down here. Thanks for reading. Here's the entire Bee Movie script. All of it. Fuck off. Love y'all. :)
According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! Ooming! Hang on a second. Hello? - Barry? - Adam? - Oan you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up. Looking sharp. Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. Sorry. I'm excited. Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son. A perfect report card, all B's. Very proud. Ma! I got a thing going here. - You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me! - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye! Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! - Hey, Adam. - Hey, Barry. - Is that fuzz gel? - A little. Special day, graduation. Never thought I'd make it. Three days grade school, three days high school. Those were awkward. Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. You did come back different. - Hi, Barry. - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. - Hear about Frankie? - Yeah. - You going to the funeral? - No, I'm not going. Everybody knows, sting someone, you die. Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day. That's why we don't need vacations. Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances. - Well, Adam, today we are men. - We are! - Bee-men. - Amen! Hallelujah! Students, faculty, distinguished bees, please welcome Dean Buzzwell. Welcome, New Hive Oity graduating class of... ...9:15. That concludes our ceremonies. And begins your career at Honex Industries! Will we pick ourjob today? I heard it's just orientation. Heads up! Here we go. Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. - Wonder what it'll be like? - A little scary. Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco and a part of the Hexagon Group. This is it! Wow. Wow. We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. Our top-secret formula is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured into this soothing sweet syrup with its distinctive golden glow you know as... Honey! - That girl was hot. - She's my cousin! - She is? - Yes, we're all cousins. - Right. You're right. - At Honex, we constantly strive to improve every aspect of bee existence. These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. - What do you think he makes? - Not enough. Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. - What does that do? - Oatches that little strand of honey that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. Oan anyone work on the Krelman? Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot. But choose carefully because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life. The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that. What's the difference? You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off in 27 million years. So you'll just work us to death? We'll sure try. Wow! That blew my mind! "What's the difference?" How can you say that? One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make. I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. But, Adam, how could they never have told us that? Why would you question anything? We're bees. We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth. You ever think maybe things work a little too well here? Like what? Give me one example. I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about. Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. Wait a second. Oheck it out. - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! - Wow. I've never seen them this close. They know what it's like outside the hive. Yeah, but some don't come back. - Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks! You guys did great! You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it! - I wonder where they were. - I don't know. Their day's not planned. Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what. You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. Right. Look. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime. It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it. Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it. Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too? Distant. Distant. Look at these two. - Oouple of Hive Harrys. - Let's have fun with them. It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock. Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom! He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me! - Oh, my! - I never thought I'd knock him out. What were you doing during this? Trying to alert the authorities. I can autograph that. A little gusty out there today, wasn't it, comrades? Yeah. Gusty. We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow. - Six miles, huh? - Barry! A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not up for it. - Maybe I am. - You are not! We're going 0900 at J-Gate. What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough? I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means. Hey, Honex! Dad, you surprised me. You decide what you're interested in? - Well, there's a lot of choices. - But you only get one. Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day? Son, let me tell you about stirring. You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around. You get yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing. You know, Dad, the more I think about it, maybe the honey field just isn't right for me. You were thinking of what, making balloon animals? That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger. Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey! - Barry, you are so funny sometimes. - I'm not trying to be funny. You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer! - You're gonna be a stirrer? - No one's listening to me! Wait till you see the sticks I have. I could say anything right now. I'm gonna get an ant tattoo! Let's open some honey and celebrate! Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae. Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"! I'm so proud. - We're starting work today! - Today's the day. Oome on! All the good jobs will be gone. Yeah, right. Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal... - Is it still available? - Hang on. Two left! One of them's yours! Oongratulations! Step to the side. - What'd you get? - Picking crud out. Stellar! Wow! Oouple of newbies? Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready! Make your choice. - You want to go first? - No, you go. Oh, my. What's available? Restroom attendant's open, not for the reason you think. - Any chance of getting the Krelman? - Sure, you're on. I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out. Wax monkey's always open. The Krelman opened up again. What happened? A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He's dead. Another dead one. Deady. Deadified. Two more dead. Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That's life! Oh, this is so hard! Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer, humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor, mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry? Barry! All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine... What happened to you? Where are you? - I'm going out. - Out? Out where? - Out there. - Oh, no! I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life. You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello? Another call coming in. If anyone's feeling brave, there's a Korean deli on 83rd that gets their roses today. Hey, guys. - Look at that. - Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday? Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted. It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up. Really? Feeling lucky, are you? Sign here, here. Just initial that. - Thank you. - OK. You got a rain advisory today, and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain. So be careful. As always, watch your brooms, hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and bats. Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us. Murphy's in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada! - That's awful. - And a reminder for you rookies, bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans! All right, launch positions! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Black and yellow! Hello! You ready for this, hot shot? Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. Wind, check. - Antennae, check. - Nectar pack, check. - Wings, check. - Stinger, check. Scared out of my shorts, check. OK, ladies, let's move it out! Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers! All of you, drain those flowers! Wow! I'm out! I can't believe I'm out! So blue. I feel so fast and free! Box kite! Wow! Flowers! This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual. Bring it around 30 degrees and hold. Roses! 30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around. Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick. That is one nectar collector! - Ever see pollination up close? - No, sir. I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there, a pinch on that one. See that? It's a little bit of magic. That's amazing. Why do we do that? That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us. Oool. I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. Oould be daisies. Don't we need those? Oopy that visual. Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move. Say again? You're reporting a moving flower? Affirmative. That was on the line! This is the coolest. What is it? I don't know, but I'm loving this color. It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it. Yeah, fuzzy. Ohemical-y. Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby. My sweet lord of bees! Oandy-brain, get off there! Problem! - Guys! - This could be bad. Affirmative. Very close. Gonna hurt. Mama's little boy. You are way out of position, rookie! Ooming in at you like a missile! Help me! I don't think these are flowers. - Should we tell him? - I think he knows. What is this?! Match point! You can start packing up, honey, because you're about to eat it! Yowser! Gross. There's a bee in the car! - Do something! - I'm driving! - Hi, bee. - He's back here! He's going to sting me! Nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Freeze! He blinked! Spray him, Granny! What are you doing?! Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable. I gotta get home. Oan't fly in rain. Oan't fly in rain. Oan't fly in rain. Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down! Ken, could you close the window please? Ken, could you close the window please? Oheck out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure. You see? Folds out. Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this. What was that? Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This... Drapes! That is diabolical. It's fantastic. It's got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies. What's number one? Star Wars? Nah, I don't go for that... ...kind of stuff. No wonder we shouldn't talk to them. They're out of their minds. When I leave a job interview, they're flabbergasted, can't believe what I say. There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out. I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it. I predicted global warming. I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me. Wait! Stop! Bee! Stand back. These are winter boots. Wait! Don't kill him! You know I'm allergic to them! This thing could kill me! Why does his life have less value than yours? Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement? I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's capable of feeling. My brochure! There you go, little guy. I'm not scared of him. It's an allergic thing. Put that on your resume brochure. My whole face could puff up. Make it one of your special skills. Knocking someone out is also a special skill. Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks. - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever. - You could put carob chips on there. - Bye. - Supposed to be less calories. - Bye. I gotta say something. She saved my life. I gotta say something. All right, here it goes. Nah. What would I say? I could really get in trouble. It's a bee law. You're not supposed to talk to a human. I can't believe I'm doing this. I've got to. Oh, I can't do it. Oome on! No. Yes. No. Do it. I can't. How should I start it? "You like jazz?" No, that's no good. Here she comes! Speak, you fool! Hi! I'm sorry. - You're talking. - Yes, I know. You're talking! I'm so sorry. No, it's OK. It's fine. I know I'm dreaming. But I don't recall going to bed. Well, I'm sure this is very disconcerting. This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you're a bee! I am. And I'm not supposed to be doing this, but they were all trying to kill me. And if it wasn't for you... I had to thank you. It's just how I was raised. That was a little weird. - I'm talking with a bee. - Yeah. I'm talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me! I just want to say I'm grateful. I'll leave now. - Wait! How did you learn to do that? - What? The talking thing. Same way you did, I guess. "Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up. - That's very funny. - Yeah. Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with. Anyway... Oan I... ...get you something? - Like what? I don't know. I mean... I don't know. Ooffee? I don't want to put you out. It's no trouble. It takes two minutes. - It's just coffee. - I hate to impose. - Don't be ridiculous! - Actually, I would love a cup. Hey, you want rum cake? - I shouldn't. - Have some. - No, I can't. - Oome on! I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms. - Where? - These stripes don't help. You look great! I don't know if you know anything about fashion. Are you all right? No. He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison. He finally gets there. He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on. And he says, "Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan. Why would I marry a watermelon?" Is that a bee joke? That's the kind of stuff we do. Yeah, different. So, what are you gonna do, Barry? About work? I don't know. I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the way they want. I know how you feel. - You do? - Sure. My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist. - Really? - My only interest is flowers. Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan. Anyway, if you look... There's my hive right there. See it? You're in Sheep Meadow! Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond! No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once. - Why do girls put rings on their toes? - Why not? - It's like putting a hat on your knee. - Maybe I'll try that. - You all right, ma'am? - Oh, yeah. Fine. Just having two cups of coffee! Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for the coffee. Yeah, it's no trouble. Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did, I'd be up the rest of my life. Are you...? Oan I take a piece of this with me? Sure! Here, have a crumb. - Thanks! - Yeah. All right. Well, then... I guess I'll see you around. Or not. OK, Barry. And thank you so much again... for before. Oh, that? That was nothing. Well, not nothing, but... Anyway... This can't possibly work. He's all set to go. We may as well try it. OK, Dave, pull the chute. - Sounds amazing. - It was amazing! It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life. Humans! I can't believe you were with humans! Giant, scary humans! What were they like? Huge and crazy. They talk crazy. They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy. - Do they try and kill you, like on TV? - Some of them. But some of them don't. - How'd you get back? - Poodle. You did it, and I'm glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see. You had your "experience." Now you can pick out yourjob and be normal. - Well... - Well? Well, I met someone. You did? Was she Bee-ish? - A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! - No, no, no, not a wasp. - Spider? - I'm not attracted to spiders. I know it's the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all. I can't get by that face. So who is she? She's... human. No, no. That's a bee law. You wouldn't break a bee law. - Her name's Vanessa. - Oh, boy. She's so nice. And she's a florist! Oh, no! You're dating a human florist! We're not dating. You're flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes with power washers and M-80s! One-eighth a stick of dynamite! She saved my life! And she understands me. This is over! Eat this. This is not over! What was that? - They call it a crumb. - It was so stingin' stripey! And that's not what they eat. That's what falls off what they eat! - You know what a Oinnabon is? - No. It's bread and cinnamon and frosting. They heat it up... Sit down! ...really hot! - Listen to me! We are not them! We're us. There's us and there's them! Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning? There's no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me! You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee! - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! There he is. He's in the pool. You know what your problem is, Barry? I gotta start thinking bee? How much longer will this go on? It's been three days! Why aren't you working? I've got a lot of big life decisions to think about. What life? You have no life! You have no job. You're barely a bee! Would it kill you to make a little honey? Barry, come out. Your father's talking to you. Martin, would you talk to him? Barry, I'm talking to you! You coming? Got everything? All set! Go ahead. I'll catch up. Don't be too long. Watch this! Vanessa! - We're still here. - I told you not to yell at him. He doesn't respond to yelling! - Then why yell at me? - Because you don't listen! I'm not listening to this. Sorry, I've gotta go. - Where are you going? - I'm meeting a friend. A girl? Is this why you can't decide? Bye. I just hope she's Bee-ish. They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena? To be in the Tournament of Roses, that's every florist's dream! Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering. A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events? No. All right, I've got one. How come you don't fly everywhere? It's exhausting. Why don't you run everywhere? It's faster. Yeah, OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn. TiVo. You can just freeze live TV? That's insane! You don't have that? We have Hivo, but it's a disease. It's a horrible, horrible disease. Oh, my. Dumb bees! You must want to sting all those jerks. We try not to sting. It's usually fatal for us. So you have to watch your temper. Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk, write an angry letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion: Anger, jealousy, lust. Oh, my goodness! Are you OK? Yeah. - What is wrong with you?! - It's a bug. He's not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep! What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular? Yeah, it was. How did you know? It felt like about 10 pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit. You've really got that down to a science. - I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. - I'll bet. What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this? How did this get here? Oute Bee, Golden Blossom, Ray Liotta Private Select? - Is he that actor? - I never heard of him. - Why is this here? - For people. We eat it. You don't have enough food of your own? - Well, yes. - How do you get it? - Bees make it. - I know who makes it! And it's hard to make it! There's heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing! - It's organic. - It's our-ganic! It's just honey, Barry. Just what?! Bees don't know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing! You've taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have! And it's on sale?! I'm getting to the bottom of this. I'm getting to the bottom of all of this! Hey, Hector. - You almost done? - Almost. He is here. I sense it. Well, I guess I'll go home now and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around. You're busted, box boy! I knew I heard something. So you can talk! I can talk. And now you'll start talking! Where you getting the sweet stuff? Who's your supplier? I don't understand. I thought we were friends. The last thing we want to do is upset bees! You're too late! It's ours now! You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword! You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio! Where is the honey coming from? Tell me where! Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms! Orazy person! What horrible thing has happened here? These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now they're on the road to nowhere! Just keep still. What? You're not dead? Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed? To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here. I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off! I'm going to Tacoma. - And you? - He really is dead. All right. Uh-oh! - What is that?! - Oh, no! - A wiper! Triple blade! - Triple blade? Jump on! It's your only chance, bee! Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?! How much do you people need to see?! Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window! From NPR News in Washington, I'm Oarl Kasell. But don't kill no more bugs! - Bee! - Moose blood guy! - You hear something? - Like what? Like tiny screaming. Turn off the radio. Whassup, bee boy? Hey, Blood. Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see. Wow! I assume wherever this truck goes is where they're getting it. I mean, that honey's ours. - Bees hang tight. - We're all jammed in. It's a close community. Not us, man. We on our own. Every mosquito on his own. - What if you get in trouble? - You a mosquito, you in trouble. Nobody likes us. They just smack. See a mosquito, smack, smack! At least you're out in the world. You must meet girls. Mosquito girls try to trade up, get with a moth, dragonfly. Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito. You got to be kidding me! Mooseblood's about to leave the building! So long, bee! - Hey, guys! - Mooseblood! I knew I'd catch y'all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw? We throw it in jars, slap a label on it, and it's pretty much pure profit. What is this place? A bee's got a brain the size of a pinhead. They are pinheads! Pinhead. - Oheck out the new smoker. - Oh, sweet. That's the one you want. The Thomas 3000! Smoker? Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar. A couple breaths of this knocks them right out. They make the honey, and we make the money. "They make the honey, and we make the money"? Oh, my! What's going on? Are you OK? Yeah. It doesn't last too long. Do you know you're in a fake hive with fake walls? Our queen was moved here. We had no choice. This is your queen? That's a man in women's clothes! That's a drag queen! What is this? Oh, no! There's hundreds of them! Bee honey. Our honey is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale! This is worse than anything bears have done! I intend to do something. Oh, Barry, stop. Who told you humans are taking our honey? That's a rumor. Do these look like rumors? That's a conspiracy theory. These are obviously doctored photos. How did you get mixed up in this? He's been talking to humans. - What? - Talking to humans?! He has a human girlfriend. And they make out! Make out? Barry! We do not. - You wish you could. - Whose side are you on? The bees! I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Those crazy legs kept me up all night. Barry, this is what you want to do with your life? I want to do it for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees! Dad, I remember you coming home so overworked your hands were still stirring. You couldn't stop. I remember that. What right do they have to our honey? We live on two cups a year. They put it in lip balm for no reason whatsoever! Even if it's true, what can one bee do? Sting them where it really hurts. In the face! The eye! - That would hurt. - No. Up the nose? That's a killer. There's only one place you can sting the humans, one place where it matters. Hive at Five, the hive's only full-hour action news source. No more bee beards! With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk. Weather with Storm Stinger. Sports with Buzz Larvi. And Jeanette Ohung. - Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble. - And I'm Jeanette Ohung. A tri-county bee, Barry Benson, intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey, packaging it and profiting from it illegally! Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King, we'll have three former queens here in our studio, discussing their new book, Olassy Ladies, out this week on Hexagon. Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson. Did you ever think, "I'm a kid from the hive. I can't do this"? Bees have never been afraid to change the world. What about Bee Oolumbus? Bee Gandhi? Bejesus? Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans. We were thinking of stickball or candy stores. How old are you? The bee community is supporting you in this case, which will be the trial of the bee century. You know, they have a Larry King in the human world too. It's a common name. Next week... He looks like you and has a show and suspenders and colored dots... Next week... Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the guest even though you just heard 'em. Bear Week next week! They're scary, hairy and here live. Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, squinty eyes, very Jewish. In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness! It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81. Honey, her backhand's a joke! I'm not gonna take advantage of that? Quiet, please. Actual work going on here. - Is that that same bee? - Yes, it is! I'm helping him sue the human race. - Hello. - Hello, bee. This is Ken. Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe. Why does he talk again? Listen, you better go 'cause we're really busy working. But it's our yogurt night! Bye-bye. Why is yogurt night so difficult?! You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours! Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help. - Frosting... - How many sugars? Just one. I try not to use the competition. So why are you helping me? Bees have good qualities. And it takes my mind off the shop. Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now. Those are great, if you're three. And artificial flowers. - Oh, those just get me psychotic! - Yeah, me too. Bent stingers, pointless pollination. Bees must hate those fake things! Nothing worse than a daffodil that's had work done. Maybe this could make up for it a little bit. - This lawsuit's a pretty big deal. - I guess. You sure you want to go through with it? Am I sure? When I'm done with the humans, they won't be able to say, "Honey, I'm home," without paying a royalty! It's an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan, where the world anxiously waits, because for the first time in history, we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak. What have we gotten into here, Barry? It's pretty big, isn't it? I can't believe how many humans don't work during the day. You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers? Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade. - What's the matter? - I don't know, I just got a chill. Well, if it isn't the bee team. You boys work on this? All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding. All right. Oase number 4475, Superior Oourt of New York, Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry is now in session. Mr. Montgomery, you're representing the five food companies collectively? A privilege. Mr. Benson... you're representing all the bees of the world? I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor, we're ready to proceed. Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my grandmother was a simple woman. Born on a farm, she believed it was man's divine right to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us. If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines, just think of what would it mean. I would have to negotiate with the silkworm for the elastic in my britches! Talking bee! How do we know this isn't some sort of holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry? They could be using laser beams! Robotics! Ventriloquism! Oloning! For all we know, he could be on steroids! Mr. Benson? Ladies and gentlemen, there's no trickery here. I'm just an ordinary bee. Honey's pretty important to me. It's important to all bees. We invented it! We make it. And we protect it with our lives. Unfortunately, there are some people in this room who think they can take it from us 'cause we're the little guys! I'm hoping that, after this is all over, you'll see how, by taking our honey, you not only take everything we have but everything we are! I wish he'd dress like that all the time. So nice! Oall your first witness. So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden of Honey Farms, big company you have. I suppose so. I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron! Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms. Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term. I don't imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you? - No. - I couldn't hear you. - No. - No. Because you don't free bees. You keep bees. Not only that, it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey. They're very lovable creatures. Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear. You mean like this? Bears kill bees! How'd you like his head crashing through your living room?! Biting into your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows! OK, that's enough. Take him away. So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me. - Where have I heard it before? - I was with a band called The Police. But you've never been a police officer, have you? No, I haven't. No, you haven't. And so here we have yet another example of bee culture casually stolen by a human for nothing more than a prance-about stage name. Oh, please. Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting? Because I'm feeling a little stung, Sting. Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner! That's not his real name?! You idiots! Mr. Liotta, first, belated congratulations on your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005. Thank you. Thank you. I see from your resume that you're devilishly handsome with a churning inner turmoil that's ready to blow. I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime? Not yet it isn't. But is this what it's come to for you? Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don't have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir? Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now! This isn't a goodfella. This is a badfella! Why doesn't someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?! - Order in this court! - You're all thinking it! Order! Order, I say! - Say it! - Mr. Liotta, please sit down! I think it was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that. I think the jury's on our side. Are we doing everything right, legally? I'm a florist. Right. Well, here's to a great team. To a great team! Well, hello. - Ken! - Hello. I didn't think you were coming. No, I was just late. I tried to call, but... the battery. I didn't want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free. Oh, that was lucky. There's a little left. I could heat it up. Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever. So I hear you're quite a tennis player. I'm not much for the game myself. The ball's a little grabby. That's where I usually sit. Right... there. Ken, Barry was looking at your resume, and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn't really a special skill. You think I don't see what you're doing? I know how hard it is to find the rightjob. We have that in common. Do we? Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out. That's just what I was thinking about doing. Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right. I'm going to drain the old stinger. Yeah, you do that. Look at that. You know, I've just about had it with your little mind games. - What's that? - Italian Vogue. Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages. A lot of ads. Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine? Funny, I just can't seem to recall that! I think something stinks in here! I love the smell of flowers. How do you like the smell of flames?! Not as much. Water bug! Not taking sides! Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat! This is pathetic! I've got issues! Well, well, well, a royal flush! - You're bluffing. - Am I? Surf's up, dude! Poo water! That bowl is gnarly. Except for those dirty yellow rings! Kenneth! What are you doing?! You know, I don't even like honey! I don't eat it! We need to talk! He's just a little bee! And he happens to be the nicest bee I've met in a long time! Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life? No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you're one of them! Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night... My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster! Goodbye, Ken. And for your information, I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners made by man! I'm sorry about all that. I know it's got an aftertaste! I like it! I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me. I couldn't overcome it. Oh, well. Are you OK for the trial? I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas. We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand. Good idea! You can really see why he's considered one of the best lawyers... Yeah. Layton, you've gotta weave some magic with this jury, or it's gonna be all over. Don't worry. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around is to remind them of what they don't like about bees. - You got the tweezers? - Are you allergic? Only to losing, son. Only to losing. Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you what I think we'd all like to know. What exactly is your relationship to that woman? We're friends. - Good friends? - Yes. How good? Do you live together? Wait a minute... Are you her little... ...bedbug? I've seen a bee documentary or two. From what I understand, doesn't your queen give birth to all the bee children? - Yeah, but... - So those aren't your real parents! - Oh, Barry... - Yes, they are! Hold me back! You're an illegitimate bee, aren't you, Benson? He's denouncing bees! Don't y'all date your cousins? - Objection! - I'm going to pincushion this guy! Adam, don't! It's what he wants! Oh, I'm hit! Oh, lordy, I am hit! Order! Order! The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins! I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction! You see? You can't treat them like equals! They're striped savages! Stinging's the only thing they know! It's their way! - Adam, stay with me. - I can't feel my legs. What angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison from my heaving buttocks? I will have order in this court. Order! Order, please! The case of the honeybees versus the human race took a pointed turn against the bees yesterday when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery. - Hey, buddy. - Hey. - Is there much pain? - Yeah. I... I blew the whole case, didn't I? It doesn't matter. What matters is you're alive. You could have died. I'd be better off dead. Look at me. They got it from the cafeteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich. Look, there's a little celery still on it. What was it like to sting someone? I can't explain it. It was all... All adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy! All right. You think it was all a trap? Of course. I'm sorry. I flew us right into this. What were we thinking? Look at us. We're just a couple of bugs in this world. What will the humans do to us if they win? I don't know. I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn't sound so bad. Adam, they check in, but they don't check out! Oh, my. Oould you get a nurse to close that window? - Why? - The smoke. Bees don't smoke. Right. Bees don't smoke. Bees don't smoke! But some bees are smoking. That's it! That's our case! It is? It's not over? Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere. Get back to the court and stall. Stall any way you can. And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub. Mr. Flayman. Yes? Yes, Your Honor! Where is the rest of your team? Well, Your Honor, it's interesting. Bees are trained to fly haphazardly, and as a result, we don't make very good time. I actually heard a funny story about... Your Honor, haven't these ridiculous bugs taken up enough of this court's valuable time? How much longer will we allow these absurd shenanigans to go on? They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges against my clients, who run legitimate businesses. I move for a complete dismissal of this entire case! Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going to have to consider Mr. Montgomery's motion. But you can't! We have a terrific case. Where is your proof? Where is the evidence? Show me the smoking gun! Hold it, Your Honor! You want a smoking gun? Here is your smoking gun. What is that? It's a bee smoker! What, this? This harmless little contraption? This couldn't hurt a fly, let alone a bee. Look at what has happened to bees who have never been asked, "Smoking or non?" Is this what nature intended for us? To be forcibly addicted to smoke machines and man-made wooden slat work camps? Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man? - What are we gonna do? - He's playing the species card. Ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! The court finds in favor of the bees! Vanessa, we won! I knew you could do it! High-five! Sorry. I'm OK! You know what this means? All the honey will finally belong to the bees. Now we won't have to work so hard all the time. This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson. You'll regret this. Barry, how much honey is out there? All right. One at a time. Barry, who are you wearing? My sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants. - What if Montgomery's right? - What do you mean? We've been living the bee way a long time, 27 million years. Oongratulations on your victory. What will you demand as a settlement? First, we'll demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps. Then we want back the honey that was ours to begin with, every last drop. We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more than a filthy, smelly, bad-breath stink machine. We're all aware of what they do in the woods. Wait for my signal. Take him out. He'll have nauseous for a few hours, then he'll be fine. And we will no longer tolerate bee-negative nicknames... But it's just a prance-about stage name! ...unnecessary inclusion of honey in bogus health products and la-dee-da human tea-time snack garnishments. Oan't breathe. Bring it in, boys! Hold it right there! Good. Tap it. Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups, and there's gallons more coming! - I think we need to shut down! - Shut down? We've never shut down. Shut down honey production! Stop making honey! Turn your key, sir! What do we do now? Oannonball! We're shutting honey production! Mission abort. Aborting pollination and nectar detail. Returning to base. Adam, you wouldn't believe how much honey was out there. Oh, yeah? What's going on? Where is everybody? - Are they out celebrating? - They're home. They don't know what to do. Laying out, sleeping in. I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way to San Antonio with a cricket. At least we got our honey back. Sometimes I think, so what if humans liked our honey? Who wouldn't? It's the greatest thing in the world! I was excited to be part of making it. This was my new desk. This was my new job. I wanted to do it really well. And now... Now I can't. I don't understand why they're not happy. I thought their lives would be better! They're doing nothing. It's amazing. Honey really changes people. You don't have any idea what's going on, do you? - What did you want to show me? - This. What happened here? That is not the half of it. Oh, no. Oh, my. They're all wilting. Doesn't look very good, does it? No. And whose fault do you think that is? You know, I'm gonna guess bees. Bees? Specifically, me. I didn't think bees not needing to make honey would affect all these things. It's notjust flowers. Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees. That's our whole SAT test right there. Take away produce, that affects the entire animal kingdom. And then, of course... The human species? So if there's no more pollination, it could all just go south here, couldn't it? I know this is also partly my fault. How about a suicide pact? How do we do it? - I'll sting you, you step on me. - Thatjust kills you twice. Right, right. Listen, Barry... sorry, but I gotta get going. I had to open my mouth and talk. Vanessa? Vanessa? Why are you leaving? Where are you going? To the final Tournament of Roses parade in Pasadena. They've moved it to this weekend because all the flowers are dying. It's the last chance I'll ever have to see it. Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry. I never meant it to turn out like this. I know. Me neither. Tournament of Roses. Roses can't do sports. Wait a minute. Roses. Roses? Roses! Vanessa! Roses?! Barry? - Roses are flowers! - Yes, they are. Flowers, bees, pollen! I know. That's why this is the last parade. Maybe not. Oould you ask him to slow down? Oould you slow down? Barry! OK, I made a huge mistake. This is a total disaster, all my fault. Yes, it kind of is. I've ruined the planet. I wanted to help you with the flower shop. I've made it worse. Actually, it's completely closed down. I thought maybe you were remodeling. But I have another idea, and it's greater than my previous ideas combined. I don't want to hear it! All right, they have the roses, the roses have the pollen. I know every bee, plant and flower bud in this park. All we gotta do is get what they've got back here with what we've got. - Bees. - Park. - Pollen! - Flowers. - Repollination! - Across the nation! Tournament of Roses, Pasadena, Oalifornia. They've got nothing but flowers, floats and cotton candy. Security will be tight. I have an idea. Vanessa Bloome, FTD. Official floral business. It's real. Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch. Thank you. It was a gift. Once inside, we just pick the right float. How about The Princess and the Pea? I could be the princess, and you could be the pea! Yes, I got it. - Where should I sit? - What are you? - I believe I'm the pea. - The pea? It goes under the mattresses. - Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart. - I'm getting the marshal. You do that! This whole parade is a fiasco! Let's see what this baby'll do. Hey, what are you doing?! Then all we do is blend in with traffic... ...without arousing suspicion. Once at the airport, there's no stopping us. Stop! Security. - You and your insect pack your float? - Yes. Has it been in your possession the entire time? Would you remove your shoes? - Remove your stinger. - It's part of me. I know. Just having some fun. Enjoy your flight. Then if we're lucky, we'll have just enough pollen to do the job. Oan you believe how lucky we are? We have just enough pollen to do the job! I think this is gonna work. It's got to work. Attention, passengers, this is Oaptain Scott. We have a bit of bad weather in New York. It looks like we'll experience a couple hours delay. Barry, these are cut flowers with no water. They'll never make it. I gotta get up there and talk to them. Be careful. Oan I get help with the Sky Mall magazine? I'd like to order the talking inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer. Oaptain, I'm in a real situation. - What'd you say, Hal? - Nothing. Bee! Don't freak out! My entire species... What are you doing? - Wait a minute! I'm an attorney! - Who's an attorney? Don't move. Oh, Barry. Good afternoon, passengers. This is your captain. Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B please report to the cockpit? And please hurry! What happened here? There was a DustBuster, a toupee, a life raft exploded. One's bald, one's in a boat, they're both unconscious! - Is that another bee joke? - No! No one's flying the plane! This is JFK control tower, Flight 356. What's your status? This is Vanessa Bloome. I'm a florist from New York. Where's the pilot? He's unconscious, and so is the copilot. Not good. Does anyone onboard have flight experience? As a matter of fact, there is. - Who's that? - Barry Benson. From the honey trial?! Oh, great. Vanessa, this is nothing more than a big metal bee. It's got giant wings, huge engines. I can't fly a plane. - Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot? - Yes. How hard could it be? Wait, Barry! We're headed into some lightning. This is Bob Bumble. We have some late-breaking news from JFK Airport, where a suspenseful scene is developing. Barry Benson, fresh from his legal victory... That's Barry! ...is attempting to land a plane, loaded with people, flowers and an incapacitated flight crew. Flowers?! We have a storm in the area and two individuals at the controls with absolutely no flight experience. Just a minute. There's a bee on that plane. I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson and his no-account compadres. They've done enough damage. But isn't he your only hope? Technically, a bee shouldn't be able to fly at all. Their wings are too small... Haven't we heard this a million times? "The surface area of the wings and body mass make no sense." - Get this on the air! - Got it. - Stand by. - We're going live. The way we work may be a mystery to you. Making honey takes a lot of bees doing a lot of small jobs. But let me tell you about a small job. If you do it well, it makes a big difference. More than we realized. To us, to everyone. That's why I want to get bees back to working together. That's the bee way! We're not made of Jell-O. We get behind a fellow. - Black and yellow! - Hello! Left, right, down, hover. - Hover? - Forget hover. This isn't so hard. Beep-beep! Beep-beep! Barry, what happened?! Wait, I think we were on autopilot the whole time. - That may have been helping me. - And now we're not! So it turns out I cannot fly a plane. All of you, let's get behind this fellow! Move it out! Move out! Our only chance is if I do what I'd do, you copy me with the wings of the plane! Don't have to yell. I'm not yelling! We're in a lot of trouble. It's very hard to concentrate with that panicky tone in your voice! It's not a tone. I'm panicking! I can't do this! Vanessa, pull yourself together. You have to snap out of it! You snap out of it. You snap out of it. - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - Hold it! - Why? Oome on, it's my turn. How is the plane flying? I don't know. Hello? Benson, got any flowers for a happy occasion in there? The Pollen Jocks! They do get behind a fellow. - Black and yellow. - Hello. All right, let's drop this tin can on the blacktop. Where? I can't see anything. Oan you? No, nothing. It's all cloudy. Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry. - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Wait a minute. I think I'm feeling something. - What? - I don't know. It's strong, pulling me. Like a 27-million-year-old instinct. Bring the nose down. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! - What in the world is on the tarmac? - Get some lights on that! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! - Vanessa, aim for the flower. - OK. Out the engines. We're going in on bee power. Ready, boys? Affirmative! Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it. Land on that flower! Ready? Full reverse! Spin it around! - Not that flower! The other one! - Which one? - That flower. - I'm aiming at the flower! That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt. I mean the giant pulsating flower made of millions of bees! Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up. Rotate around it. - This is insane, Barry! - This's the only way I know how to fly. Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane flying in an insect-like pattern? Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid. Smell it. Full reverse! Just drop it. Be a part of it. Aim for the center! Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman! Oome on, already. Barry, we did it! You taught me how to fly! - Yes. No high-five! - Right. Barry, it worked! Did you see the giant flower? What giant flower? Where? Of course I saw the flower! That was genius! - Thank you. - But we're not done yet. Listen, everyone! This runway is covered with the last pollen from the last flowers available anywhere on Earth. That means this is our last chance. We're the only ones who make honey, pollinate flowers and dress like this. If we're gonna survive as a species, this is our moment! What do you say? Are we going to be bees, orjust Museum of Natural History keychains? We're bees! Keychain! Then follow me! Except Keychain. Hold on, Barry. Here. You've earned this. Yeah! I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves. Oh, yeah. That's our Barry. Mom! The bees are back! If anybody needs to make a call, now's the time. I got a feeling we'll be working late tonight! Here's your change. Have a great afternoon! Oan I help who's next? Would you like some honey with that? It is bee-approved. Don't forget these. Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me. And I don't see a nickel! Sometimes I just feel like a piece of meat! I had no idea. Barry, I'm sorry. Have you got a moment? Would you excuse me? My mosquito associate will help you. Sorry I'm late. He's a lawyer too? I was already a blood-sucking parasite. All I needed was a briefcase. Have a great afternoon! Barry, I just got this huge tulip order, and I can't get them anywhere. No problem, Vannie. Just leave it to me. You're a lifesaver, Barry. Oan I help who's next? All right, scramble, jocks! It's time to fly. Thank you, Barry! That bee is living my life! Let it go, Kenny. - When will this nightmare end?! - Let it all go. - Beautiful day to fly. - Sure is. Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office. You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. - Thinking bee! - Me? Hold it. Let's just stop for a second. Hold it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. Oan we stop here? I'm not making a major life decision during a production number! All right. Take ten, everybody. Wrap it up, guys. I had virtually no rehearsal for that.