Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 8
EPISODE 13
Airdate: March 6, 2020
"Buster the Neoteric" (cover of the Simpsons episode "The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace" and the Kenan & Kel episode "Doing Things the Hemingway")
Original teleplays written by John Swartzwelder ("The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace"); Kevin Kopelow & Heath Seifert ("Doing Things the Hemingway")
#TYH813
SCENE 1
The Newman Condominium
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
One morning, Buster is eating cereal while watching TV.
REPORTER (V.O.): ...at least 800 cases have been reported throughout the country of Germany.
BUSTER: That's terrible. Haven't those Germans already been through enough?
Cut to a shot of the TV.
REPORTER: In other news, recent studies have unveiled the current life expectancy in the United States. When broken down by race and gender, it appears that white males actually have a lower life expectancy than they did last year. It has gone from 78.2 to 76.2 years.
BUSTER: Wait, are you serious? I have two less years to live?! How could this happen?! I mean, I eat right, I exercise, I'm always positive about anything that ever happens to me.
BUSTER'S BRAIN (V.O.): Yeah, right. And I'm the CEO of Interscope Records.
BUSTER: Why are you starting with me? It's not even time for school yet. Did you try washing yourself?
BUSTER'S BRAIN (V.O.): No, but this isn't about me. It's about the fact that you don't have a life. You're ten years old and you haven't accomplished anything cool. You have a lot of catching up to do.
BUSTER: Oh no. You're right. I'm already 66 years away from death, and I've let the world pass me by. I wasted my life, and pretty soon, I'll just be some old geezer eating corn chips in a wifebeater with my six dumb cats.
LPC meows with disgust at Buster.
BUSTER: I love you, but I said what I said for a reason.
SCENE 2
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
The kids are having lunch one day.
SPARKY: You know, now that Kobe's dead, it feels like something's wrong with the world. Like there's something really important missing.
JAYLYNN: I know what you mean. But at least he left his mark on the world. The fact that nobody will forget him makes it easier.
RK: Easier? It makes it easier to get over the fact that one of the greatest basketball players the world has ever seen is gone? My hero, my spirit animal?
JAYLYNN: I'm not gonna start anything because I feel bad for you, but, uh...yeah, not saying anything else.
BUSTER: At least Kobe got to do something important with his life. I'm already ten years deep and I have nothing to feel proud of.
SPARKY: Oh no, is this about that life expectancy thing?
BUSTER: Of course, it is. Sparky, you're a white male in America just like me. Aren't you worried you have less time to do what you want before the world sucks out your stomach fluid?
SPARKY: No, because that's a long time from now. Who's to say I won't live past 76?
BUSTER: Well, God for one. If the big guy has a plan, it doesn't matter how you feel about it. He'll take you off the board like a dirty Monopoly piece.
JAYLYNN: Weird how at one point, you were actually an atheist.
WADE: Buster, I wouldn't worry about a life expectancy. A lot of factors play into it, it doesn't prove anything.
BUSTER: Of course, it does. Some of us don't have a future to look forward to. For guys like me, anything can kill us. Skin cancer, shingles, hard drugs, trauma from a terrible childhood event.
RK: Yeah, you're as good as dead.
SPARKY: RK! You're not as good as dead, Buster. You have plenty of time to make your life meaningful.
BUSTER: Yeah, right. I've wasted the first ten years, what's another sixty-six? I think it's time for me to pack it in.
Buster gets up from the table and leaves the lunchroom.
SPARKY: This doesn't make any sense. How could Buster think he's wasted his life?
WADE: Eh, emotions are running high all the time these days. Especially when you're confronted with your own mortality.
RK: So, with that being said, you guys want to split his lunch or what?
The kids all stare at RK.
RK: Hey, by doing that, we're not wasting food. He would be proud of us.
SCENE 3
The Newman Condominium
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
One day, Buster is watching TV in a white tank top and gym shorts. He looks depressed and almost comatose while going through a bowl of corn chips. Sparky walks in and knocks.
SPARKY: Hey Buster? You're okay?
BUSTER: Yeah, I'm okay. Just thinking about the future I'll never have because I can't follow through on anything.
SPARKY: Come on, man, you have to get off the couch. There's more to life than sitting around watching Maury all day.
BUSTER: But this is a good one. See, this girl originally thought that her father impregnated her, but it turns out, the father of the child was actually someone that just looked identical to the girl's father.
SPARKY: I want to hurt someone after what you just told me. Listen, Buster, you're only ten years old. It's okay if you haven't done anything yet.
BUSTER: But when do I start? What if I never get it together? I'll be 21 with no money, credit card debt, and some problems with my joints. My family's not the best when it comes to our joints, Sparky.
SPARKY: Well, think about all the stuff you've done. You've traveled all over the country, you've made a TV show, you went after Pepsi, you've won the little league state championship.
BUSTER: Ugh, who cares about that stuff? Those aren't things that improved my life. Sparky, if I was more serious, I could have had way more accomplishments. I could have won the tag titles with Braun Strowman, or become the youngest person to win a Grammy for Album of the Year. I could have been on the cover of Time magazine.
SPARKY: Why would you be on the cover of Time magazine?
BUSTER: Just for being me. You know, like a lifetime achievement award.
SPARKY: Buster, if you want to do something with your life, it's not too late. You just have to step out of your comfort zone and try something new.
BUSTER: Like what? Being a yoga instructor?
SPARKY: No, like, develop a new skill. Learn a new language, travel to a foreign country, do something you were always too scared to do.
BUSTER: Well, I always wanted to write my autobiography. But maybe I should wait to do that until my joints start acting up. I already have the perfect title for it: Buster. How about it, too arrogant?
SPARKY: Sounds like an R&B album from the 80s.
SCENE 4
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The next day, RK is reading a book about Kobe Bryant when Jaylynn walks up to him.
JAYLYNN: What's up, RK? Are you...reading?
RK: Yes, Jaylynn, I know it's a shock to you, but I can read things.
JAYLYNN: No, it's not that. I thought you hated books. You always say that there's nothing you can learn in a book that you can't learn on the streets.
RK: And I used to think that, but that was before I decided to start reading more about Kobe. I'm telling you, this guy was amazing.
JAYLYNN: Didn't you already know everything about him?
RK: I thought I did until I got this book. See, Jaylynn, Kobe Bryant was more than just some everyday basketball phenom. He was an intellectual, too. He even knew Italian.
JAYLYNN: So? I know Spanish.
RK: Dude, you have to know that language. You wouldn't truly be Hispanic if you rejected your culture like that. Kobe just happened to educate himself about the world around him.
JAYLYNN: Okay, and?
RK: Kobe Bryant was an amazing man. Do you want me to write it down on a Post-It and tape it to your forehead?
JAYLYNN: Maybe you should. You know how slow I am.
RK: Okay, do you have one?
JAYLYNN: I'm being sarcastic, you jackass!
SCENE 5
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
Later that day, the guys are having lunch.
BUSTER: Hey Sparky, I was thinking about what you said. You know, about making my life more meaningful?
SPARKY: Yeah, what did you come up with?
BUSTER: Nothing. I just thought about what you said. You sounded like you had a cold when you said it.
SPARKY: I did, but Buster, if you want to do something with your life, you have to put the work in. Opportunities don't always come knocking.
BUSTER: But that's the thing. I don't know how to prepare for my future. The only thing I'm thinking about right now is buying new lightbulbs after school. Praise Madam C.J. Walker.
JAYLYNN: What?
BUSTER: Madam C.J. Walker invented the lightbulb. Where have you been, man?
WADE: It was Thomas Edison that invented the lightbulb. Madam C.J. Walker invented hair care products.
BUSTER: Thomas Edison? Wade, how could a talking train invent a lightbulb?
WADE: I'm not talking about that Thomas!
BUSTER: So, who are you talking about? You're making this conversation weird!
SPARKY: Buster, Thomas Edison is arguably the greatest inventor to ever live. He made the lightbulb, the film camera, the very first X-ray machine.
BUSTER: No way.
RK: How do you not know Edison? I have a C-average in science and even I know who he is.
JAYLYNN: What, are you trying to brag or something?
BUSTER: I guess he was never on my radar. I mean, I know who Einstein is with all the "E=MC" crap, but Edison is just some old, dead white guy.
SPARKY: I think you should educate yourself on Edison, man. He had a great life, he might give you some inspiration.
BUSTER: Well, in order to become great, I might as well learn from the greats. Wade, could I borrow your Edison books?
WADE: Don't you think that's a little presumptuous and offensive? Of course, ask the smart guy if he has books on Thomas Edison.
Beat.
WADE: I'll drop them off at your place after school.
SCENE 6
The Jennings Household
Exterior Backyard
Seattle, Washington
Later that day, RK is playing basketball on the court when KG walks up to him.
KG: What are you doing? Playing some ball?
RK: I can't tell if that's a serious question.
KG: I'm just saying, you've been going hard on that court for days now. Slow down.
RK: Slow down? You want me to slow down? What part of the Mamba Mentality is that?
KG: The Mamba Mentality?
RK: Yes, the keys for a happy life and prosperity created by the late, great Kobe Bryant. Kobe would drop baskets on the court all the time, especially when he was training.
KG: Oh no. Look, bro, I know Kobe was your hero and everything, but you can't spend your life trying to be like him. You have to create your own path.
RK: Could I create a path that's at least influenced by Kobe?
KG: I guess. But the best way to honor his legacy is to lead by example. Go after goals, treat people well, be a man of your word.
RK: Are you doing all of those things, KG?
Beat.
KG: Stop pressuring me! We're all a work in progress!
KG runs back into the house.
RK: Go after goals, huh? Go after...goals.
RK tries spinning the basketball on his finger, but it falls off after a few seconds.
RK: Ow, my index!
SCENE 7
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That night, Sparky is watching TV when Buster walks in with a book in his hand.
SPARKY: Hey Buster, what's going on?
BUSTER: Education is going on, my friend. I'm reading this book Wade lent me and it's amazing. Thomas Edison did so many great things before diabetes killed him forever.
SPARKY: Yeah, he was a real talented man.
BUSTER: Talented? Sparky, "talented" doesn't even begin to describe Edison. Did you know he was called "The Wizard of Menlo Park" because of his talent?
SPARKY: Yup, people definitely called him that.
BUSTER: You know, Edison had his own film company? They produced over a thousand movies. And he worked with Henry Ford. Henry Ford, the guy who made Ford what it is today. Him and Edison were comparing notes!
SPARKY: Buster, do you really want to talk about Thomas Edison when there's TV to watch?
BUSTER: Ah, TV. Did Edison invent that?
SPARKY: No.
BUSTER: Well, I bet he had the idea for it and they stole it from him. Those punks. How could those bastards rip off his genius like that?
Sparky groans.
SCENE 8
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The next morning, Buster is talking to the rest of the kids about Thomas Edison.
BUSTER: And that's how little Tommy Edison was making $200 a month before he was 16.
RK: I like how you took the time to tell us every single detail.
BUSTER: I had to. How are we going to make that kind of money if we don't have the blueprint?
JAYLYNN: You know there are kids who make way more money than that now?
BUSTER: Jaylynn, YouTube money isn't real money. Edison was getting real paychecks in an era of real men.
WADE: WeIl, I'm glad you're actually absorbing my books and not just complaining about why I didn't get you something else.
BUSTER: I don't want to read on my birthday. I want real presents!
SPARKY: That doesn't sound like Edison, does it?
BUSTER: Sparky, Edison died years ago. I don't know what his voice sounded like. But I did read about something where he used one of his inventions to record himself.
SPARKY: No!
Sparky runs away and Buster chases after him.
BUSTER (O.S.): I think it was "Mary Had a Little Lamb," or maybe "The Itsy Bitsy Spider," some corny children's song!
WADE: I'll see you guys in class.
RK: Alright.
JAYLYNN: See you later.
Wade walks away.
RK: Now that they're gone, we can get this talk out of the way.
JAYLYNN: RK, we've been over this. I like you, but not in that way.
RK: How much of a narcissist can you be? Maybe I should just ask Halley.
JAYLYNN: No, no Halley! I'll behave. What's going on?
RK: Well, I've been trying to honor Kobe's legacy by carrying it on so it never dies, but I can't fill his shoes. He was too godlike for that to happen.
JAYLYNN: So, what?
RK: As far as I know, Kobe always had a plan. Sure, he won championships and beat major court cases, but it was more than that. He was always thinking about his next move.
JAYLYNN: You're building up a lot here.
RK: Kobe had goals, and that's what I need. If I'm truly going to be the White Mamba, then I need to think about what I want to accomplish and go after it so I can be a better person.
JAYLYNN: I don't think you want me involved in this.
RK: Yeah, I get it. You don't know what it's like to look up to someone famous who dies before their time.
JAYLYNN: Who do you think you're talking to? I love Kurt Cobain and Janis Joplin. When they died, they were both younger than Kobe.
RK: Then that makes you the perfect person to work with. We can accomplish life goals together before we're old, crusty pieces of shit.
JAYLYNN: I guess that doesn't sound like it can go wrong. But I don't have anything I want to achieve.
RK: Really?
JAYLYNN: Well, a long time ago, my goals were marrying Anja and beating the brakes off Lynne. Now, I have nothing.
SCENE 9
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That night, Sparky, Buster, and Bitch Clock are eating spaghetti and meatballs.
BUSTER: So, Edison was more of the Martin Luther King, Jr. type. He didn't want to invent anything that could kill people. What that means is not only was he a genius, he was also merciful.
BITCH CLOCK: Why did you invite this dumbass to dinner?
SPARKY: Because I was hoping you could get him to talk about something other than Edison.
BITCH CLOCK: Okay. I know how to speak his language. Hey Buster, did you know that Lewis Latimer worked with Edison? He made the lightbulb better.
BUSTER: Bitch Clock, nobody cares about your bar stories, this is important. So, anyway, about Edison...
SPARKY: F*** EDISON!
Buster gasps.
BUSTER: Sparky, how dare you badmouth the name of Thomas Alva Edison?
SPARKY: Because I've heard enough about him. Yes, he was a great inventor, but he also knew when to stop talking and move on to another subject!
BUSTER: Wait, seriously? You guys don't care about any of this?
BITCH CLOCK: I just told you about Lewis Latimer, but I guess his skin wasn't light enough for you.
BUSTER: I don't know what to do. Talking about Edison at least kept me busy.
Cut to a shot of Buster's forehead.
BUSTER'S BRAIN (V.O.): You moron, don't you get it? They're trying to inspire you. If you're sitting here talking about Edison so much, in their minds, they're thinking about why you can't just put your money where your mouth is.
The camera pans down to Buster.
BUSTER: Of course! They're challenging me!
SPARKY: Buster, what are you talking about?
BUSTER: I get why you guys don't care about Thomas Edison. Sure, he did a lot of great things, but why hear about them when you can see them in person?
BITCH CLOCK: You might actually be crazier than the people in AA. I don't know how that's possible, but you did it.
BUSTER: Sparky, I know what I want to do with my life. I'm going to follow in Edison's footsteps and become an inventor!
SPARKY: Are you sure? Being an inventor is going to take years of hard work and failure before you get anywhere.
BUSTER: Well, I have to make the sacrifice. That's what a man does. Time to go to my condo and think of some ideas!
Buster runs out of the house.
BITCH CLOCK: I'll give him some credit, he's the first person in the world to ever be gay for Edison.
Sparky stares at Bitch Clock angrily.
SCENE 10
The Newman Condominium
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The next morning, Sparky is talking to Buster on the couch.
SPARKY: Buster, I still don't think being an inventor is the best option for you.
BUSTER: Hey, weren't you the one that said that I should find something to do with my life? That I should go out there and expand my horizons before you threw me down the stairs and told the cops that I tripped?
SPARKY: What stairs?
BUSTER: Does it matter? The point is, you wanted me to contribute to society and that's what I'm doing. Come with me, I want to show you something sick.
Sparky follows Buster upstairs. Cut to them entering Buster's room and Buster opening the closet. Inside the closet is nothing but a table with a chair and a lightbulb with a cord attached to it on the ceiling. There are also pictures of Thomas Edison and his various inventions on the walls.
SPARKY: Why does your walk-in closet look like a dungeon?
BUSTER: Because I've tricked it out. This place is now my workstation. I'm going to come up with all sorts of inventions and tools and doodads and gaggoos in here.
SPARKY: Seems like a depressing place where you're guaranteed to go insane.
BUSTER: Sparky, I know I'm not the best at reading people, but I'm starting to think you don't want me to become an inventor.
SPARKY: Because I don't. Buster, if you try this and you quit, then you're going to give up on life forever. Then you'll drop out of school, become a drifter, and go to jail because some girl said you did something that we both know you didn't do. Is that what you want? To be an elementary school dropout hobo with a criminal record?
BUSTER: I don't know. Would people remember me for that?
SPARKY: Buster...
BUSTER: Look, Sparky, I know this isn't going to be easy. But I only have a good sixty years to prove that I'm not worthless. The clock is ticking so I might as well do something I've spent all of last night dreaming about.
SPARKY: Okay. You know what? I'm going to support you and this whole new career. I hope whatever you invent changes the world.
BUSTER: Don't worry, I'm already halfway there. Behold my very first invention: The bowling ball movie cup.
Buster reveals what appears to be a regular bowling ball.
BUSTER: You think it's just a bowling ball, right? Just going out to the alley to hit a couple pins, but it turns out...
Buster removes the top of the bowling ball to reveal orange soda inside.
BUSTER: BAM! It's actually a convenient way to hold your beverages that you bring from home. No more will you have to deal with million dollar movie prices.
Buster begins drinking from the ball, but the soda spills all over his shirt.
BUSTER: Um, I, uh...just need to figure out a way to make it easier to drink from.
SPARKY: Why not just put a straw through one of the holes?
Beat.
BUSTER: Do you want to invent the actual stuff and I'll take credit for it?
SCENE 11
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Study Hall
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn is doing her homework when RK walks up to her and covers her eyes.
RK: *with a deep voice* Guess who?
JAYLYNN: It's RK. I can tell by the creepy voice and your hands smelling like pineapple juice.
RK: Great, you know my signature scent. But that's okay. You need to take a look at my three life goals that I wrote down.
JAYLYNN: Maybe in ten minutes. I'm catching up on my homework.
RK: Jaylynn, doing homework at school is so basic. You need to do it early in the morning during Full House reruns like I do.
JAYLYNN: I can't watch that show anymore. It's like they made the same episode 300 times.
RK: Well, I can't wait for you to finish, so how about I just tell you what my goals are?
JAYLYNN: Okay, lay them on me.
RK: Alright, here we go. I will compete in the main event of WrestleMania, I will declare my love for Anna, and I will climb to the top of One World Trade Center.
JAYLYNN: One World Trade Center?
RK: Yeah, it's the tallest building in the country. I figure I would start small by climbing apartment buildings and all that junk, then work my way up.
JAYLYNN: Wow, you're really reaching for the stars. I was just writing whatever for my goals.
RK: What are they?
JAYLYNN: Oh, you have to read them. I was writing them last night, about five goals max, then five became ten, ten became twenty-five, and I was drinking a lot of Mountain Dew so my ass got really fired up.
Jaylynn drops a whole packet onto the table.
RK: This looks like the homework we get during holiday breaks.
JAYLYNN: Just read them and give me some feedback. I might rewrite them and come up with new ones.
RK: Okay, let's see here. "Go to Chick-fil-A for the first time." Jaylynn, are you sure they would even let you inside?
JAYLYNN: Shut up, it's just business. Keep reading.
RK: "Meet Demi Lovato and slip her my demo tape at the same time," "Get signed off said demo tape and bring back rock music," "Have Anja say the word 'cocksucker'," "Get a tattoo of a rose that's slowly dying." Great, you're going to be one of those people when you grow up.
JAYLYNN: Hey, I was inspired by what you said about Kobe. If I'm reaching these goals, I'll need some of that Mamba Juice.
RK: It's called the Mamba Mentality. It's a way of life, not an overpriced smoothie stand.
JAYLYNN: Well, either way, I'm reaching all of these goals.
RK: Including this one? "Spend an entire day in my house naked."
JAYLYNN: I just want to see if I'm up to the challenge, it's not at the top of the list.
SCENE 12
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Later that day, Sparky is watching TV when Buster walks in.
SPARKY: Hey Buster. How's the inventing going?
BUSTER: Terrible. Other than the bowling ball, I haven't come up with anything that might work. If I don't turn it around soon, I might have to quit school like Edison did.
SPARKY: No. No, you're not about to start making my nightmare a reality!
BUSTER: Relax, I don't even like hobos. They think they're so fancy with their hats and their sticks carrying all their stuff. Who are they trying to impress?
Bitch Clock walks in from the kitchen.
BITCH CLOCK: Hey, it's our little inventor. What stupid things did your stupid ass already make, stupid?
SPARKY: Bitch Clock!
BUSTER: Well, Mr. I Like to Drink at Five in the Morning, I've only invented one thing so far. And if it hits stores, I wouldn't sell it to you.
BITCH CLOCK: If you somehow invented something that made it to stores, then it would be the end of America as we know it.
BUSTER: I hope one day, Sparky throws you in the trash and I never see you again.
SPARKY: Hey, we're in a new decade and this is the most positive you two can be?
BUSTER: It's not my fault. How am I ever going to live up to Edison if I don't hit the ground running?
SPARKY: Buster, you can't compare what you do to Edison's work. You just started inventing, and it took him years before he started having success.
BUSTER: Yeah, I know. But it wouldn't hurt to have some kind of an edge.
SPARKY: I think you already have one. There's an inventor that lives here in Seattle. The greatest inventor we're ever going to know.
BUSTER: If you're not talking about Wade, then I'm leaving.
SPARKY: I am talking about Wade.
BUSTER: Great. I thought you were about to introduce me to a mystical shaman or some shit.
SCENE 13
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Basement
Seattle, Washington
Wade is taking notes on a clipboard when Buster walks downstairs.
BUSTER: Wade?
WADE: Hey Buster. What brings you over?
Buster sighs, closes his eyes, then bows his head and kneels in front of Wade.
BUSTER: I seek your wisdom and guidance, young scientific master.
Beat.
WADE: Is that a metaphor for something?
The "Let It Roll" instrumental plays briefly in the background as a confused Wade squints his eyes at Buster.
SCENE 14
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Basement
Seattle, Washington
BUSTER: Wade, you're probably tired of hearing this every day, but you're the smartest person I know.
WADE: You would be surprised at how much I never hear that.
BUSTER: Well, regardless, you're a serious inventor. For years, you've made all this cool stuff without even trying. If I'm going to get anywhere near Thomas Edison, I need to learn from someone who's already on his way there.
WADE: Seriously? You want to be an inventor?
BUSTER: I know. It's not the typical Buster move, but I want to spend my life doing something important. You think you could teach me your ways?
WADE: I can't believe this day is finally here. Yes, yes, I'll teach you everything you need to know!
Wade hugs Buster.
BUSTER: I'm glad I was able to make you this happy.
SCENE 15
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The next day, RK is looking at the list of his three life goals. He keeps tapping his pencil where it says "1. Compete in the main event of WrestleMania."
RK: WrestleMania, the Grandest Stage of Them All. The Showcase of the Immortals. So long and epic, it makes you think you were at the opera. But how can I get there before it's too late?
RK sees Manny and Will walk by.
RK: You gotta start somewhere, RK. Hey guys, wait up!
RK runs up to Manny and Will.
WILL: Is this...is this for real? What's happening?
RK: What, I can't talk to you guys now?
MANNY: No. When do you ever want to start a conversation with either of us?
RK: There's a first time for everything. Look, I just want you two to know that I've reached a new stage in my life where I...RKO!
RK hits Manny with an RKO out of nowhere.
WILL: I knew it! What the hell is wrong with you, man?!
RK: I'm practicing. If I'm going to win the Royal Rumble one day and get a guaranteed championship match at WrestleMania, I need to make sure my offense is sharp.
WILL: Oh, it's gonna stay sharp! Come here!
RK runs away from Will as he chases him through the hallway while Manny lays on the floor incapacitated. Ashley and Sanna walk up to Manny and see his body.
SANNA: Should we call the nurse?
ASHLEY: No, he'll get up in five minutes when he realizes that everybody knows he's faking.
SCENE 16
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Basement
Seattle, Washington
After school, Wade is consulting Buster on the art of inventing.
WADE: Now, if you're going to be an inventor, you have to realize that nothing comes easy. Edison himself said that genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration.
BUSTER: Not a problem. I can sweat on command. I sweat in my sleep all the time.
WADE: Not literal sweat. Get that checked out, though. But what I mean is if you're going to come up with great ideas, you have to spend a lot of time working. It's frustrating, but when you're done, it will be worth it.
BUSTER: Well, my bowling ball movie cup could use some work. Watch closely.
Buster tries to drink from the ball, but it slips out of his hands and drops on the floor.
BUSTER: Shit, it's worse than I thought!
WADE: Bowling ball movie cup?
BUSTER: Yeah. You have a regular old bowling ball, everybody just thinks you're going to the lanes, right? But it turns out there's soda inside. Or smoothies, or coffee. You know, whatever you're into.
WADE: Hmmmm, it sounds interesting, and it could be a lot better if we just made a few adjustments.
BUSTER: What kind of adjustments?
WADE: Like maybe we could add handles to the sides to prevent slippage. And we could make the top of the ball a little narrower so the drink is guaranteed to land in your mouth.
BUSTER: Yes! I need that drink in my mouth!
WADE: You know, if we make a couple of these, we could try selling them at school. It will be the best way to test out your invention.
BUSTER: Wow. I'm already commercial. Edison better watch out 'cause I'm coming for him.
Buster takes out a pack of cupcakes and opens it, then has an uncomfortable look on his face after taking a couple bites.
WADE: You okay?
BUSTER: Yeah, it's just that they advertised genuine, grade-A Reese's peanut butter in these cupcakes. This is generic filling you could get in a factory.
WADE: That's why I never trust advertising. I remember years ago, I bought Fruity Cheerios because they said it was made with real fruit juice. I couldn't eat cereal for six months after that.
SCENE 17
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That night, RK and Anna are watching TV.
ANNA: Dude, is everything cool? You're looking at that TV like it's trying to kill you.
RK: I'm always worried that something's trying to kill me. But I'm watching TV using the Mamba Mentality tonight. I'm studying every aspect of the show. Where the camera moves, the actors' performances, the whole nine yards.
ANNA: We're watching Modern Family.
RK: Hey, they juggle three stories an episode. How do they do it? That's the secret I need to unlock.
ANNA: Are you sure you're not losing your mind with this whole "Mamba Mentality" thing?
RK: Of course not. Being all about my goals is a lifestyle choice.
ANNA: Uh huh.
At that point, Jaylynn walks in with her packet of goals.
JAYLYNN: RK, we need to talk.
Beat.
ANNA: What, do you want me to go upstairs?
JAYLYNN: I mean, I'm not forcing you to, but I would appreciate it if you did.
ANNA: Okay, sure. Be back soon?
Anna shakes her head as she walks upstairs.
RK: I don't get it. Do you not like each other or what?
JAYLYNN: I have a certain effect on people, I can't explain it. But I came here to let you know that I've started running through my life goals. That Mountain Dew's really taking me to a higher level.
RK looks through the packet and sees that there are multiple pages with goals crossed out.
RK: I can't believe this. You're already this far ahead?
JAYLYNN: Yeah. The trick is to think of things I always wanted to do, but never did because I'm lazy. And then I ask myself, "Jaylynn, why? Why do it to yourself? What's stopping you, huh? You think this is a game?" After that, I do what I need to do.
RK: This is ridiculous. I'm coming up with goals that are supposed to carry me through life, and I haven't gotten anywhere with them.
JAYLYNN: Maybe that's the problem. You planned long-term, but you want instant gratification so you're always going to be unsatisfied with your progress.
RK: I don't know anything about that. What I do know is I'm nowhere close to where I need to be. Not even Anna thinks I have a chance.
Beat.
RK: Wait a minute. Jaylynn, that's it!
JAYLYNN: You're giving up already? Man, how do you come up with this shit and you're the one who doesn't wanna do it anymore?
RK: You can't interpret a damn thing. What I mean is I figured out a way to accomplish two of my life goals at the same time. You and I are going to climb to the top of the tallest building in the state, the Columbia Center.
JAYLYNN: Wait, I thought you wanted to climb One World Trade Center.
RK: Yeah, but that means I have to travel to New York City and that's just...that's just gross. Besides, the Columbia Center is right here in Seattle. In and out, bing bang boom.
JAYLYNN: Okay, how does that help you with your other goals?
RK: When we reach the top of the building, I'm going to let Anna know how I feel about her with a sign. Something personal, but flashy so she knows she's expensive.
JAYLYNN: You're going to tell Anna you love her with a banner? Why not just climb to the roof of your house and do that?
RK: That's not a challenge, this is my life we're talking about here!
JAYLYNN: Alright, bro. You want to do it tomorrow after school?
RK: Hell no, I need time to prepare. I'll let you know all the details when the time comes. But until then, keep this on the QT.
JAYLYNN: The QT?
RK: Yeah. On the low, under the table, so microscopic, scientists won't be able to find it.
JAYLYNN: What does that really mean?
RK: KEEP IT TO YOURSELF, STUPID!
Beat.
JAYLYNN: Ha, look at your face! Man, you have the eyes bugging out and everything. I knew what you meant, I just wanted to get that face.
SCENE 18
("Edutainment" by Boogie Down Productions plays in the background)
The montage shows Buster and Wade working on modifying Buster's bowling ball movie cup. Meanwhile, RK is preparing to climb to the top of Columbia Center with Jaylynn by visiting the building, drawing up different scenarios for him and Jaylynn to use, and creating the banner. The banner reads "RK ❤ANNA" in big black letters over brown paper. Buster's routine is to go to Wade's house right after school and help work on the modified cup. The late nights end up leading to Buster sleeping in Wade's basement constantly, with Wade needing to use cold water to wake him up. Buster also begins to compulsively bake cupcakes in Wade's kitchen, similar to the Reese's cupcakes that he disliked. After some time, Buster and Wade are finally ready to show off the new and improved bowling ball movie cups.
SCENE 19
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Buster and Wade have set up a table near the cafeteria with the bowling ball movie cups on display.
BUSTER: Wade, I can't believe we did it. I've been trying for weeks to be like Edison, and now I finally get my chance with...the Gutter Cupper.
WADE: Well, you definitely worked hard. You never complained, you...wait, you're calling it the Gutter Cupper?
BUSTER: Yeah. I needed a snappy name for it. "Bowling ball movie cup" doesn't roll off the tongue, man.
WADE: But you want to go with the Gutter Cupper? That sounds like a gross nickname for something you find on Urban Dictionary.
BUSTER: You're not selling it right. You have to give it some panache. Say it with me now. The Gutter Cupper. The trick is to say "Gutter" like an angry trucker.
WADE: The Gutter Cupper.
BUSTER: I said "angry Southern trucker," not "angry Midwestern trucker."
WADE: You didn't say anything about the point of origin!
BUSTER: We'll work on it. Hey, how were you able to clear this anyway?
WADE: I told Ashley and Sanna it was for the Senior Committee. I didn't even need to elaborate, they were right on board.
BUSTER: I love fifth grade privilege.
WADE: Me too.
Some boys walk up to the cafeteria.
BUSTER: Hey guys, Buster Newman from the Newman's Own company. You want some soda with your lunch?
BOY #1: Okay, where?
BUSTER: Right here in these bowling balls. Introducing the first ever Newman's Own invention: The Gutter Cupper.
BOY #2: What the hell does that even mean? Did you put piss or sewer water in these?
BUSTER: No, of course not. Nothing but the good stuff in here. Wade, give them a demonstration.
WADE: See how ingenious the Gutter Cupper is? It looks like a regular bowling ball, right? Nobody's thinking anything different, but it turns out there's soda when you open the top.
BOY #1: What would we need that for?
BUSTER: For the movies! See, the cup has handles so it doesn't fall on the floor, and when you put it up to your lips, the soda is guaranteed to go in your mouth. You know, unless you're stupid and don't know how to drink soda.
BOY #2: Forget it, that's dumb as f***. Now, if you'll excuse us, we have some Sloppy Joes to steal.
The boys walk into the cafeteria.
WADE: Keep your head up, man. The first one is always the hardest to convince. We'll sell these cups in no time.
SCENE 20
iCarly Elementary School
Exterior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
A visibly tired Buster and Wade are trying to convince a girl to buy a Gutter Cupper.
BUSTER: Look, see? When you open the top, there's soda inside. Whoopty doo for a girl like you.
GIRL: I just don't think this makes sense for me to have.
WADE: Doesn't make sense? It's been basement-tested and approved under very high standards! Do you understand the quality control put into this thing?!
GIRL: Not really. I'm gonna go, but good luck selling these.
The girl walks into the cafeteria.
BUSTER: This has been the worst Sloppy Joe Day I can remember.
WADE: You know what? We just didn't have good luck today. Maybe it's the crowd. If we sell it to adults, I bet they would-
BUSTER: No, Wade, stop. Okay? I appreciate everything you've done for me, but maybe this wasn't supposed to happen. I'm not a real inventor, I'm an idiot.
WADE: Hey, you have creativity and passion. All the best inventors had that. But they also failed a lot before they got anywhere.
BUSTER: I don't know. I think I was just playing myself. All this time, I was no better at being Thomas Edison than I was at being Buster Newman.
Buster sighs and leaves the table. Wade shakes his head and begins drinking out of one of the Gutter Cuppers, then burps.
WADE: Yup, that's the stuff.
SCENE 21
The Newman Condominium
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
After school, Sparky is watching TV as Buster arrives from the kitchen with a tray of cupcakes.
SPARKY: If it means anything, I thought the Gutter Cupper was cool. That's why I bought two.
BUSTER: Thanks. But I wanted everybody to like it. I thought being an inventor was going to change my life, but you were right. I wasn't built for it.
SPARKY: Even if inventing isn't your calling, there's gotta be something out there that is. We just have to find it.
BUSTER: Guess we can spend the next 66 years doing that. Cupcake?
SPARKY: Sure.
Sparky takes a cupcake and begins eating it, then has a big smile on his face.
BUSTER: What's wrong, buddy? You look like the Grinch.
SPARKY: This cupcake is amazing. Where did you get them?
BUSTER: From me. I made 'em myself.
SPARKY: They're homemade? And they actually taste like a real Reese's peanut butter cup?
BUSTER: Yeah, I was up late all the time with Wade when I was inventing, so I kept making cupcakes every night to deal with it. But now I have more cupcakes than...than that shop downtown that smells like a weed-scented candle.
SPARKY: You know something? I think this is the invention you've been looking for.
BUSTER: A cupcake? Sparky, our ancestors invented cupcakes, not me.
SPARKY: No, I mean, you took that Reese's cupcake you hated and made it better. You invented something the same way Lewis Latimer did with the lightbulb.
BUSTER: Oh, so, that's what Bitch Clock was talking about. Most of the time, I assume he's drunk, so I tune him out.
SPARKY: I don't blame you. So, what are you gonna do now?
BUSTER: I'm going to call Wade and let him know we're back in business. *dials phone and waits for Wade to pick up* Hello? Wade? Yup, I'm not done inventing yet. Tonight, we're going to have a little event for Newman's Own. Beat. No, the Gutter Cupper's dead, it's time to think about the future. Beat. Don't you think I know about the fine craftsmanship? Kids aren't going to appreciate that. Beat. Yeah, we're doing cupcakes now. This is how it's supposed to be.
SCENE 22
Columbia Center
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
That same night, RK is waiting at the Columbia Center for Jaylynn, constantly checking his watch.
RK: Come on, Jay, this is the moment of truth.
At that point, Jaylynn arrives to the building.
JAYLYNN: What's cracking?
RK: Dude, be careful with that. There are gangs all over the place. And where have you been? We agreed to meet at 7. It's 7:26 now.
JAYLYNN: RK, I probably should have told you this before, but I have lateness syndrome.
RK: Lateness syndrome?
JAYLYNN: Yeah. I can't help being late to things. You tell me to be somewhere in five minutes, my mind switches it to fifteen minutes. It's a serious disease.
RK: I have that fake disease at school, so I understand where you're coming from. Now, let's go. I want Anna to see this banner before she goes to sleep tonight.
JAYLYNN: You sure we're not going to get caught?
RK: Positive. I already mapped the place out and everything. See, these people that come here every day take the normal, boring entrance, but we're taking the super secret, next level underground entrance.
JAYLYNN: I'm not two years old. We both know it's the back door.
RK: Just let me have something, okay? Something.
RK and Jaylynn walk over to the back entrance of the building and get inside.
RK: This is it. The rest of our lives.
JAYLYNN: Hey, how tall is this building?
RK: It's 76 stories.
JAYLYNN: And we're taking the elevator, right?
Beat. RK widens his eyes and looks around.
JAYLYNN: What are you doing?
RK: Huh? Oh, sorry, Jaylynn, I'm just looking for the person who asked me about taking the elevator to the top. I don't know whether to slap them or tell them to go home.
JAYLYNN: Bitch, I didn't sign up for all this. I'm not getting permanent toe damage just so you can hang up a banner.
RK: Jaylynn, anybody can take an elevator. That's not me realizing this goal, that's me cheating and taking the easy way out. You think if Kobe were alive to see this, he would endorse a decision like that?
JAYLYNN: Probably not?
RK: Absolutely not. He'd ask me what's wrong with me. Mamba Mentality, Jaylynn. That mentality's going to empower us all the way up to the top floor.
RK begins walking up the stairs.
JAYLYNN: I guess if that boy's the White Mamba, I can be the Mixed Mamba. Hold up, I'm coming!
Jaylynn runs up the stairs to catch up to RK.
SCENE 23
Columbia Center
Seattle, Washington
RK and Jaylynn are already tired as they reach the 24th floor. Both of them pant heavily and collapse on the floor.
RK: This is...this is what legends are made of.
JAYLYNN: F*** being legends. I need a shower and a foot rub. And a foot rub with that really expensive oil that the celebrities buy.
RK: You know, you would probably be less tired if you didn't have that bag with you.
JAYLYNN: I packed light just so you know. Got some water bottles, a flashlight, and a big bag of Skittles.
RK: Why?
JAYLYNN: Because I love Skittles. Plus, just in case our phones lose battery so no one can reach us, I've been leaving behind a Skittles trail. That way, people will find us.
RK: Hmmm, clever. Okay, let's keep going. We're about a third of the way there.
JAYLYNN: Can you carry me?
RK: Carry yourself, you're gonna kill both of us that way.
SCENE 24
The Newman Condominium
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That night, Buster is selling his cupcakes from home to iCarly Elementary kids, while Sparky and Wade are around to oversee everything. Sanna and Ashley look mesmerized by their cupcakes as they eat them.
ASHLEY: Wow, this is something else.
SANNA: I know. It's so rich.
BUSTER: Of course. Who better to recognize something's rich than a rich person?
SANNA: Can I take four? Maybe eight or ten?
ASHLEY: We're going to D.C. for our senior trip, but we could just cancel it and I'll use the trip money for this.
Sanna elbows Ashley in the chest.
ASHLEY: It was a joke! I can't make jokes now?
WADE: Well, Buster, you found your invention. It's not what you thought it was, but it's made a lot of people happy.
BUSTER: You're right, Wade. I tried being like Edison this whole time when I should have been me. And you know what? I'm ready to die when I'm 76. Who cares if I'm done after that? I have a lot of living to do in between.
SPARKY: Buster, you do realize that the life expectancy doesn't-
WADE: He learned something from this. Let's take it as a W and keep it moving.
SPARKY: Right.
ASHLEY: Hey guys, where's RK and Jaylynn?
WADE: They said they were working on a special top-secret project. Whatever that means.
SANNA: You didn't bother asking them?
WADE: I thought about it, but then I asked myself what the benefit would be. I couldn't think of anything, then I showed up here.
SCENE 25
Columbia Center
Seattle, Washington
Now on the 74th floor, RK and Jaylynn have resorted to crawling so they could reach the top of the building.
RK: Jaylynn, if I die before we reach the top, will you do me a favor?
JAYLYNN: Sure. What is it?
RK: Hang up that banner with pride. Let people know about the struggle I went through to make this happen. And never, ever, sell the movie rights.
JAYLYNN: What if they get someone really big to play you, like Chris Pratt?
RK: Oh, that changes everything. Captain America playing me? Forget about it.
JAYLYNN: No, that's Chris Evans you're talking about.
RK: Really? Okay, then, who's Chris Pratt?
JAYLYNN: I think he played Batman in The LEGO Movie.
RK: No, that was Will Arnett.
JAYLYNN: Dude, seriously? Well, what the f*** did Chris Pratt star in?
RK: You know what? We can both agree that Chris Pratt's famous and he's acted in things. That much we know.
JAYLYNN: Yeah.
Beat.
JAYLYNN: Wait, why are we here at the Columbia Center?
RK: I forgot. Oh, shit, the banner! We don't have a moment to lose!
RK's eyes widen and he runs up the stairs to get to the top. Jaylynn burps and continues crawling. Cut to the exterior of the building's roof. The door is shaking, as if someone is trying to open it. RK gets the door open and falls to his knees.
RK: I MADE IT! THE MIRACLE KID! THE MIRACLE KID!
Jaylynn casually walks up to RK.
JAYLYNN: Please don't start making a speech. It's been a long night.
RK: Jaylynn, do you know what just happened? We did what many told us couldn't be done. We answered our critics, took down our naysayers. Now that we showed everybody what we're made of, I can declare my love for Anna.
JAYLYNN: Okay. That's all I have to say to that. But I'm proud of you, bro. You said you wanted to make it up here, and you did. No one can take that away from you.
RK: Thanks, Jaylynn. And thanks for being my partner in all this. This is our moment, not just mine.
JAYLYNN: No problem. The cold air's helping clear up my sweat.
RK: Alright. It's banner time. Hand me the Scotch tape.
Jaylynn tosses the Scotch tape to RK. He begins to unroll the "RK ❤ ANNA" banner and goes to hang it up, with Jaylynn holding one side of the banner.
RK: YES! I just knocked down two goals at once. All I need to do now is train hard for the next twenty years and I might have a shot at headlining WrestleMania.
JAYLYNN: Is that it? We go now?
RK: Not yet. I want my baby to see this. RK begins dialing his phone. Hey Anna? Remember when I said to look up at the Columbia Center tonight? Well, get a load of this. Beat. Are you looking? Beat. Uh huh, now, what do you see? Beat. Wait, why do you sound mad? This took a lot of effort, you know. I had the Mamba Mentality and everything.
Jaylynn tries to open the door to the roof but is unable to.
JAYLYNN: Hey RK?
RK: Yeah?
JAYLYNN: Remember when we made that joke about how the fire department might have to come save us?
RK: Yeah, it was hilarious. *puts phone on hold, then inside his pocket* Why? What's going on?
JAYLYNN: I think that joke had a punchline we didn't notice.
RK: No. No, no, hell no.
RK runs to the door and is unable to open it. He smacks his lips, cups his hands together and inhales, then exhales.
RK: I need to finish this phone call real quick. *takes out phone, removes hold* Just a minute. Hey Anna? Yeah, it's me again, RKJ. Listen, it turns out that Jaylynn and I are stuck on top of the Columbia Center so if you could please CALL THE F***ING FIRE DEPARTMENT, SWAT TEAM, THE CHOPPERS! WE NEED TO GET DOWN FROM HERE FOR GOD'S SAKES! Thank you.
RK hangs up at that point.
JAYLYNN: You don't think she's going to scream at you when you get home?
RK: She probably will, but at least I can say we did this.
SCENE 26
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK and Jaylynn are on the couch while Sparky, Buster, Wade, and Anna are standing up and staring them down.
RK: I just want to say, before the lectures commence, you all have amazing eyes.
SPARKY: Shut up.
RK: I was just taking a shot.
WADE: What the hell were you guys thinking tonight?! You could have been killed or froze to death!
JAYLYNN: We were trying to complete RK's goal of climbing the Columbia Center so he could declare his love for Anna.
BUSTER: Did you do it?
JAYLYNN: Damn sure did.
BUSTER: Alright, that's what I'm talking about.
Sparky, Wade, and Anna stare at Buster.
BUSTER: I mean, how could you guys take part in such irresponsible behavior?! You know you shouldn't be smoking crack!
RK: We weren't on drugs.
BUSTER: Oh. I'm sorry, guys, I'm not good at the parenting thing.
RK: Look, I was just trying to be a more complete person like Kobe. He did a lot of amazing things and I was trying to make him proud.
ANNA: Dude, you're not Kobe Bryant, you're RK Jennings. You're an amazing person already, you don't need to do a bunch of reckless stunts just to prove a point.
RK: You sure?
ANNA: Yeah. I love you no matter how many banners you put up or buildings you climb.
SPARKY: You guys should just focus on living your life, not measuring up to someone else. We should all be like that. We're not even in junior high yet, we all have the rest of our lives to go after our goals or invent great things.
BUSTER: Actually, Sparky, I'm done being an inventor. It's just not what I want to spend the next 66 years doing. Those cupcakes were more than enough work for me.
SPARKY: Really? You only ran with the cupcakes for one night.
BUSTER: True, but do I really want people like that to use my inventions?
Buster points to the stairs, which Bitch Clock is walking down awkwardly while holding a Gutter Cupper.
BITCH CLOCK: No, you gotta keep working! Working is what makes America full of so much work.
SPARKY: Bitch Clock, how many times do I have to tell you to keep alcohol from your mouth when there's company?
Bitch Clock walks up to Anna and begins tugging on her shirt.
BITCH CLOCK: Listen, blondie, I thought I had you all figured out, but I didn't. This...this Gutter Budder is definitely the whole enchilada, haha!
ANNA: I'm not Buster, and why do your hands smell like that?
Bitch Clock falls face first to the floor while everybody looks at him bored.
JAYLYNN: Hey Sparky, what was the lesson here? You need to wait your turn?
Beat.
SPARKY: I already forgot.
Cut to black.
("Say Goodbye Hollywood" by Eminem plays over the end credits)
©2020 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS