"Spots on," I mumbled. The transformation melted away my clothes into the familiar red suit, but instead of providing me the comfort it usually did, it lodged a lump in my throat. It almost felt too tight against my skin, constricting my neck, as if it were about to suffocate me. I shut my eyes and clenched my fists. Keep going, I told myself.
From my balcony, I tossed my yo-yo into the starry night sky and latched onto a nearby building. It took more mental strength than I realized to leap into the open air and land at the end of the string. No matter. It was my turn for patrol tonight, and I had to keep going, regardless of how I felt.
As I jumped from rooftop to rooftop, I noticed Parisians strolling in the streets, oblivious to the nightmare from earlier today. They didn't realize how lucky they were. Had things gone wrong, Hawkmoth would have obtained the Miraculous Box, and who knows what would have happened. I could only wonder what would motivate someone to commit so much terror for a single wish. But...
Things did go wrong. It was my fault Hawkmoth found Master Fu and the Miracle Box earlier. I had not been careful enough, and my irresponsibility led to today's outcome. My eyes brimmed with tears, and I blinked them away. Tears would blur my vision, and I could not make any more mistakes, especially after today.
I pushed my feelings aside and scrutinized Paris for the next few hours, making sure that everything was in order. Nothing seemed out of place. I doubted Hawkmoth would launch another attack tonight, but I still felt anxious. My hands trembled. Everything was fine, but what if things weren't? I couldn't concentrate. What was wrong with me?
On normal patrols, I only made one or two rounds, but tonight I made four. It seemed as if I needed to prove to myself that I was responsible, that I was worthy of being the new guardian of the Miraculous Box, of being... Ladybug. At last, I landed on a black rooftop and took a deep breath. It was past midnight. From above, I watched as people walked into their homes with smiles on their faces. In the soft glow of the streetlights, I noticed a man walking a woman home, and right before she closed the door, they leaned in for a kiss. As sweet as the sight was, it produced a scorching weight in my chest. Memories of Adrien and Kagami filled my head, memories of Kagami watching him as he played the piano, memories of Adrien wiping the ice cream from her cheek. The images stung, burning my insides in excruciating flames. Nothing went right today. Nothing.
I lowered myself and sat on the rooftop, staring at the glittering Eiffel Tower ahead of me with a black hole in my heart. In the most romantic city in the world, I was all alone. I pulled my knees up and rested my face on my knees, hugging my legs in a futile attempt to comfort myself. I felt like such a failure.
Sudden footsteps caught my attention, so I jumped out of my seat, turned around and stood in a defensive position with my yo-yo acting as a shield. My eyes narrowed in the darkness in search of the source of the sound. When I saw the familiar pair of black cat ears on the chimney above me, I exhaled and put away my yo-yo.
"M'lady." He jumped off from his position to stand beside me, and he didn't hesitate in reaching for my hand and planting a kiss.
"Cat. You scared me." Too upset with the day's events, I didn't scold him for the kiss. In fact, the gesture provided warmth in me; no matter how many times I failed, Cat Noir always believed in me. His unconditional friendship soothed me. He let go of my hand and stood to his full height, his green eyes staring at me in amusement.
"Didn't know you were a scaredy-cat," he teased, but I couldn't return his smile. I was not in the mood.
"What are you doing here? You're not on patrol tonight."
His smile faltered. "I needed some fresh air. I didn't expect to find you, either." He furrowed his eyebrows together. "It's past patrol time. Shouldn't you be in bed?"
"I keep making rounds."
"How many have you made?"
I looked down. "Four."
"Four?" He couldn't hide the surprise in his face. "Are you expecting Hawkmoth to akumatize someone tonight?"
"No. Not at all. I don't know why I'm so paranoid. I think I'm just shaken up from earlier." I couldn't even look him in the face. No matter how many times he told me he believed in me, I felt insufficient. His image of me Ladybug was distorted. I made so many mistakes.
"Ladybug." He put his hands on my shoulders. "Everything's okay, now. I'm not just saying that to comfort you. I genuinely believe this."
I pushed his hands away gently. "Master Fu forgot everything. That's my fault. He endured a battle against Hawkmoth because of me. I can't just ignore that."
"I'm not asking you to ignore that. You're being hard on yourself. I'm also responsible. We're together in everything that we do. We did our best, and our best was good enough because Master Fu is safe now, and Hawkmoth can't hurt him anymore. That's all that matters. You've protected him and liberated him from his role as Guardian of the Miraculous, and you made sure Hawkmoth did not get his hands on the box."
"I don't know, Chat."
"But I do know." He lifted my chin with a finger. "Look at me."
"I'm looking."
"You trust me, don't you?"
I nodded, feeling my eyes water again. The look of genuine concern in his face made me melt. "Yes."
"So then trust me on this. Everything happens for a reason. This was meant to be. You were supposed to be the Guardian of the Miraculous, and things were supposed to happen this way."
"But-"
He interrupted me. "No. I don't know anyone else who deserves to be the Guardian as much as you. You're the superhero."
"We are the superheroes," I reminded him.
"Then don't blame yourself, anymore. As I said, we're a team. We are equally responsible for what happened today." His seriousness, as surprising as it was, felt comfortable and familiar as if he were a home that kept me safe.
"Thank you, Kitty. I am so grateful to you."
"Of course. Just remember, I'm not Cat Noir without you, and you're not Ladybug without me. We are one, and we complete each other. Master Fu is gone, but we're all that we need."
I laughed. "If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were flirting."
A sly smirk emerged on his face. "If you want to flirt, I'd be more than happy to humor you." He reached for my hand for another kiss, but I tugged away this time, chucking to myself.
"Sneaky, but not fast enough!" He straightened up once more, the playfulness from his face gone.
"Is something wrong?"
I tilted my head to the side. "What do you mean?" I asked, sitting down once more. He blocked my view of the Tower and sat in front of me, and I gave him a faux-irritated look.
"Is something going on in your personal life? Something that would make you a little less careful as Ladybug?" I appreciated that he worded my carelessness the way he did, but the reminder still hurt to think about.
"We shouldn't talk about our personal lives. It's risky."
His shoulders dropped. "I want to be here for you. Especially tonight. I know how much you went through today."
Adrien flashed in my mind. I know he didn't mean to hurt me, but a lot of the hurt I experienced today derived from my non-existent relationship with him. When I met Chat Noir's eyes, guilt coursed through me. Is that how he felt about me since I couldn't return his feelings? "I don't think it's something you want to hear."
"Why not? I'm all ears." He gestured to his cat ears in a silly way, but it didn't alleviate my guilt. He noticed and stared at me with worry.
"It's about a boy." Something flickered in his eyes when I said that, but he still smiled at me.
"You don't have to hide that from me, Ladybug. We're not together." His words were stiff as if he didn't want to admit it, but I knew he was being sincere about being wanting me to be open with him. "I'm your partner, but I'm also your friend.
He was right. I trusted him, and I knew he meant his words. "I have a lot going on in my life right now. I never have time for myself, and being Ladybug is an added burden. I'm just overwhelmed. The cherry on top is that the guy I like doesn't like me back." I hid my face in my hands. "I don't even blame him."
"Why do you say that?"
"It's just... I'm such a mess around him. It's so embarrassing. You wouldn't recognize me. If you saw me act the way I do around him, you would laugh at me."
"I find it hard to imagine that you're as bad as you think you are in your civilian life."
"It's easy for me to be relaxed underneath a mask, but in real life, I just can't do that with him. I don't know why I get so nervous around him, and I'm not like that with anyone else. I babble nonsense and say all the wrong things. It's so bad that I think he thinks I actually hate him," I muttered.
"It's that bad?"
"Yeah."
"Well, I don't know how to coax you out of your shell around him, but what I will say is that if he saw the real you, he would fall in love with you. If you're anything underneath the mask as you are with it on, I know he would." My cheeks reddened at his comment.
"Thank you, Cat Noir." He was always there for me.
"Of course," he said, but I noticed his eyes were distant with a sudden sadness in them. He had listened to my problems. It was now my turn to listen to him.
"How are you? You said you needed some fresh air. Is everything okay with you?"
He looked down and played with the end of his tail. "Ah, I don't know. I guess I'm also having some love complications."
"What happened?"
"In my civilian life, I'm friends with this girl who admitted her feelings to me today, and she's such a great person, and I admire her so much, but I just... I don't know how I feel about her."
"Why not?"
He raised his green eyes to stare at me, half-amused, half-solemn. What do you think? they asked. "As a friend, she's more than enough. But as more..." he trailed off.
"Does she know that you don't feel that way about her?"
He chuckled, but it sounded awkward. "Even I don't know how I feel about her. I'm worried I'll lead her on."
"If I were you, I would be too. You flirt so much."
He gave me a knowing smile. "I'm not like that in real life."
I raised my eyebrows, shocked. "You're not?" I always imagined civilian Chat Noir as the charming type that had girls swooning at his feet, in love with his humor and confidence.
"No. I can't be. I have to be perfect. You wouldn't recognize me in real life, either."
"You must love being Chat Noir then," I said, followed by a yawn.
"I do." He stood up and extended his hands to me. I took them and stood up with him. Our hands stayed together. "But like I said earlier, I'm not Chat Noir without my lady." He leaned in toward me, and before I could process his proximity, I felt his lips on my forehead. The brief contact sent a burning sensation across the bridge of my nose. He pulled away. 'I'm always here, as a partner and as a friend. I'll be whatever you need me to be, but I need you to be okay, and I think that starts with you getting some sleep. Can you do that for me?"
"Y-yes," I stammered. I cleared my throat. "I mean, yes." I was relieved he didn't tease me for the stutter. "I'm sleeping to go."
"You're what?" he asked, laughing at my mistake.
"Sorry. I'm tired. I'm going to sleep. You should, too."
"I will." I raised my yo-yo to returned home, but right before I threw it, Chat Noir placed a hand on my arm. "Please don't beat yourself up anymore. Everything will be okay. I promise."
I stared at him, and calmness finally washed over me for the first time today. With him, I knew everything would be okay. I gave him one more smile before leaving escaping from the night toward my house.