...
"Avast ye, scurvy dog!" Amelie's squeaky voice cut through the air over the clacking of wooden swords. Robin poked his head in the room, suddenly thinking it may have been a bad idea to leave two hyperactive children alone. He hadn't left them alone for too long; he just needed to finish doing the dishes before Lance and Herbert returned home. Even then, they weren't completely unsupervised, just in the next room.
Setting down the last plate, Robin quickly dried his hands and entered the room. "What's going on, kiddos?"
"We're pirates!" Isabelle bounced on her toes.
Amelie nodded at her little sister. "We're ransacking the place!"
Part of Robin wanted to panic, but he wouldn't let himself. "Could you maybe ransack a place with less breakables?" The little girls began to sulk, and Robin quickly thought of a way to save his reputation as the Cool Uncle. "I'll tell you what, I just finished the dishes. How about we play in the courtyard?"
"But Daddy said it's too wet." Amelie whined. "He said we'll get a nuh... a new... pneumonia." She slowly stumbled over the word.
Robin glanced around, checking his mental map of the place. "Alright, then. Let's look for somewhere else."
That seemed to appease them, because Isabelle immediately began to scream as she ran down the hall, waving her sword like a ceiling fan attached to a car battery. Amelie grabbed his hand and pulled him along. "You can be the cabin boy!"
"But girls, I-" He supposed he could play around a bit. It had been ages since he really had an opportunity to let loose. "Okay. I'll be the cabin boy."
Before he knew it, Robin was parading around with Captain Amelie the Ruthless and First Mate Isabelle the Salty. It was surprisingly easy to get back into the swing of playing pretend. The two girls proved to be highly imaginative. The couch became their ship, some old blankets the rolling waves.
After several minutes of rowing and sea shanties, Amelie called out. "Blimey!" She pointed in the direction of the kitchen. "Enemy ship!"
"What do we do?" Isabelle asked.
"We chaaaaarge!" Amelie jumped off the 'ship' and sprinted toward her foes. Isabelle followed suit, screaming incoherently.
Robin got off the couch. "Wait up, mateys!" He ran behind them, not able to contain his laughter as they swung their swords haphazardly. They were definitely Lance's kids.
Somewhere amidst the battle cries and squeaks of laughter, Robin found time to think. It had seemed like only yesterday when he and his friend would run around and get in trouble themselves. The thought of him married and with two children of his own seemed surreal. But, he figured, his friend certainly deserved it.
"We won! We won!" Isabelle celebrated, jumping in the air. "What now?"
Amelie had an impish grin on her face. "We steal their candy!"
"Wait, wait, wait." Robin drew in a breath in order to keep himself calm. "I don't think your parents would be too happy if we stole their candy."
"That's why you're our uncle!"
Robin shrugged. "Good point." He lifted both children so they could reach. "Alright, girls. Pick yer booty!" They giggled and reached inside, each grabbing small handfuls of sweets. They immediately began tearing into their loot, and Robin turned around and grabbed something small for himself. He deserved it, anyway. Once they had finished their little treat, he drew his sword again. "Oh no, they're back for revenge!"
Amelie raised her weapon in the air. "We'll make them dance the hempen jig!"
"Where did you learn that one?" He asked. She simply laughed. Lance was going to kill him.
...
"I don't care what the critics say: this was the worst adaptation of Orpheus and Eurydice I have ever seen." Herbert bristled.
He and Lance were finally home after a very long night of theatre and overpriced drinks.
"It wasn't so bad. The guy playing Orpheus was pretty hot." Lance shrugged as they were approaching the front door.
He hasn't seen Herbert this riled up in a long time, but he wasn't surprised. Lancelot may have been just a plebeian oaf who only went to the theatre for the company, but Herbert was in the theatre, and he was a very harsh critic. Of course, he was always the hardest on himself.
"And I bet you my last hairbrush that being hot was exactly how he got the part.", Herbert was mad, and he wasn't taking any prisoners.
Lance pressed his lips to Herbert's temple (it always calmed him down), and said,
"Why don't you and Robin put on your own production of Morpheus and Oedipus?"
"You mean Orpheus and Eurydice."
"Yeah, that. I know you two can do justice to that old play."
"You know what, I'm going to run this by Robin. I think he'd love this idea."
"How about you? Do you love this idea? Because it was my idea and I really want you to validate me." Did Lance really say this all out loud?
"I love this idea. And I love you for coming up with it. And for being the best husband and father in the whole world." Herbert stood on his tippy toes and kissed Lance on the nose.
"Okay, I feel validated now," Lance squeaked.
"Now, let's go see our girls."
"Do you think it was wise to leave Robin alone with them? They're going through their rebel phase, and I fear for his safety."
"You worry too much. They love Robin. And Robin is a very responsible man."
Lance opened the front door, to their private little paradise. Their peaceful home, filled with love, acceptance, and tranquil-
As soon as Lance and Herbert made it through the front door, they were immediately tackled to the floow by their girls.
"SURRENDER, YOU IMPERIAL SCUM AND TASTE THE OCEAN", shrieked Amelie.
"Yeah, test the ocean, you imbibing scum!" Isabelle concurred.
Lance was the first to get his bearings and extracted himself carefully from the pile on the floor.
"Alright, that's quite enough of that, girls. Do you want to release your Dad from that chokehold, Amelie?"
"But we won! And now you and Daddy are our prisoners."
"Yeah, our prisoners!"
"And we will walk the plank later, but first you've got to calm down a little, girls."
He helped Herbert off the floor.
"Amelie, is that chocolate on your face, sweetie?", Herbert wiped the brown smudge off the older girl's cheek. "Lance, they've been into the pantry."
"Girls, where is your Uncle Robin? I have a feeling he has something to do with it."
...
Oh, this was bad. This was really, really bad.
Amelie and Isabelle were bouncing up and down on the couch, and Robin sat there between them, hands on his lap, trying not to look up, because if he did, he'd have to acknowledge the look of utter disappointment on his friends' faces.
"Would anyone care to tell us what happened?" Herbert broke the awful silence.
"We're pirates. And we got booty!"
"Yeah, booty!"
"How did the two of you get into the pantry? Robin?"
Robin put on his best I-had-nothing-to-do-with-it face,
"Yes, Herbert? Are you talking to me?"
"Robin, how did the girls get into the pantry?"
Robin looked at the girls. Amelie and Isabelle stopped bouncing on the couch and were looking at Robin as if saying "please don't rat us out!". Of course, they wouldn't use that particular expression, because they were only six and four, but anyway-
Could Robin have told Herbert and Lancelot the truth? That he was outsmarted and overpowered by two little girls and had lost all control of the situation? Sure, he could! There was no shame in being bested by wee lassies (especially Amelie, who was freakishly strong, clearly taking after her taller father).
But looking at the vicious little monsters now, Robin knew he could never let them take the blame, even if the consequences for them wouldn't amount to more than a time-out, whereas Robin could lose his baby-sitting privileges and – God forbid! – the Herbalots' friendship.
Robin sighed and said,
"It was my fault. I let them into the pantry. They wanted candy, and I didn't want to stand in their way. Amelie has a mean left hook."
The looks of gratitude on the girls' faces were worth whatever was coming next.
"What?", Herbert gasped, "How could you do this, Robin? You know what sugar does to them."
"Honestly, Robin, I'm very disappointed in you. You're supposed to be the responsible one." That hurt coming from Sir Lancelot.
"I know and I'm very sorry, you guys."
"Sorry isn't good enough, Robin. We entrusted you with our children, and you were completely irresponsible." Entrusted? On the one hand, Robin was glad that Lance's vocabulary improved since their farmer days, but on the other hand he didn't like being chewed out by his friend like that.
"We're very disappointed in you, Robin." Herbert shook his head.
That was it. They would never ask him to babysit again, and never let him come visit. Robin never reflected on how much he loved this family until he was about to lose them-
"Robin, you're grounded!" said Lance.
"I'm what?"
"That's right, you're sleeping on the couch.", said Herbert.
"A sleepover! A sleepover!" The girls shouted, bouncing on the couch, "A slumber party!"
"No, that's not what me and Herbert- "
"Let's go see a play!", the Amelie shrieked, "I wanna watch Moana!"
"No, let's watch The Princess Bride, since we're pirates!"
Robin didn't see why they couldn't watch both and suggested just that, much to the girls' delight.
"No! No theatre, no candy, and no staying up late." Robin has never seen Herbert this decisive and firm. "Girls, it's time for bed."
"You heard your Dad, ladies. Brush your teeth and get ready for bed.", unlike his husband, Lance sounded more placating that commanding. "You too, Robin."
"Me?"
"That's right. You're grounded, remember?"
"You're grounding me?" Robin began to laugh but his friends looked serious enough, "For real?"
"Exactly," said Herbert, crossing his arms, "You break the rules – you suffer the consequences."
"But they're your rules, not mine. Besides, you can't punish me: I'm a grown-ass man-"
The stunned silence was soon followed by a collective gasp. Then Amelie put her hands over her mouth, while Isabelle blurted "Ass!" and giggled.
Lance was the first to recover from the shock.
"That's it. Go to your room, young man!"
"But this is your home. I don't even have a room here."
"You don't have your own room? Lance, how could we let this happen?"
"Technically, he doesn't live here-", this time, Robin gasped, too, and Lance continued. "But we're going to fix that. You can have the guest room."
"Yes, it's your room now, Robin." Herbert couldn't contain a smile.
Was he being punished by Lance and Herbert? The same Lance that once wet himself on a dare? The same Herbert that knew all the words to the Macarena? Was that even allowed?
Nothing stopped Robin from telling them to go to hell, and just go home. And yet, he didn't. Two seconds ago, he was certain they were going to kick him out of the house, and now they were telling him he'd have to spend the night.
It was the weirdest thing, but the idea of having his own room in his best friends' house and being treated as a member of their family – even if it meant being grounded with the other children – was not such a bad thing. He already saw the Herbalots as his family and was happy that they shared so much of their lives with him. But this here meant that they considered him family too. Not just a babysitter for date nights, but one of their own.
Robin wanted that. He wanted all of that, even the parts that weren't fun. After all, wasn't that what being a family was all about: sharing the lows as well as the highs? But Robin couldn't let them know how much he loved this. If he was being treated like one of the kids, he'd be damned if he wasn't going to act like one.
"We don't have to follow your stupid rules. Right, girls?"
The room erupted in rebellious shrieks and pirate slogans. Lance looked like he was about to cave but then Herbert delivered the killing blow.
"Robin, if you don't go to your room right now, you don't get to watch Masterpiece Theater tomorrow."
"Fine! But I want you to know that I hate you both.", Maybe he lay it on a little too thick – the tremble in his voice, the moist in his eyes, because the girls threw their arms around him in a strangling hug.
"Don't cry, Uncle Robin! We can watch Moana tomorrow," said Isabelle, as she fixed her parents with a slaying glare.
"That's right, girls. Say goodnight to your Uncle Robin," cooed Lance.
They kissed Robin on both cheeks, and Amelie whispered to him, "Thank you for not telling on us, Uncle Robin! We love you."
This time, the tears that were stinging Robin's eyes were real.
Lance picked up the girls and they clung to their father like two tiny sloths, already sleepy from all the adventuring. Robin was always amazed at how gentle and patient Lance was with his children, and how far he'd come.
"You heard Lance," Herbert said, "Brush your teeth and off to bed!"
"But I don't even have a toothbrush!"
"There are extra brushes in the medicine cabinet."
With an indignant huff that Robin hadn't heard himself do since he was fifteen, he stomped up the stairs, making sure to make as much noise as possible.
...
Dressed in one of Herbert's pajamas, Robin had made himself comfortable in the guest room. He was in bed, sketching the outline for a new play, when there was a knock on the door.
"Come in!" Robin said without looking up; he was still mad at his friends.
In came Herbert, carrying with him a plate full of sandwiches.
"Robin, I'm sorry we sent you up without dinner. I thought you might be hungry."
Robin hadn't really thought about it, but the sight and the smell of ham and cheese on toast brought out a truly Pavlovian reaction.
He took the plate from Herbert.
"May I?" Herbert sat on the bed next to Robin, and Robin moved a little making room for him, "Are you comfortable here? If there's anything you need- "
"I'm fine. You guys have a lovely home. I was afraid you wouldn't let me come over anymore." Robin laughed nervously.
"What? Why would you think that?"
"I don't know. I screwed up this babysitting gig. Maybe you don't want my help anymore."
"Silly goose! You're a part of this family, Robin. You always have been."
There were those pesky tears coming again! Robin didn't attempt to hide them, and dabbed them away with his sleeve, "Geez, don't go all sappy on me now, Herbert."
"It's true. You're Lance's best and oldest friend. You two are practically brothers. And if I had a friend like you growing up, well, maybe I wouldn't still flinch whenever someone raised their voice around me."
"Oh, Herbie," Robin reached out and gave Herbert a hug, "Don't be sad. You have Lance and the girls. And me."
"I'm okay. And I wanted to ask you if you wanted to do a production of Orpheus and Eurydice with me. That play Lance and I saw today was atrocious."
"I'm in! I love Greek mythology. Do you want to be Orpheus or Eurydice? You'd be great as both."
"Actually, I'd love to play Hades. I never got to play the bad guy before. But we can discuss this more tomorrow over breakfast. Finish your sandwiches and go to sleep!"
At the door, Herbert hesitated, and said, "Don't tell Lance I brought you a midnight snack, okay? He's very strict about these things."
"I won't," Robin replied before taking a Godzilla-sized bite of the sandwich.
He was half-way through with his snack when there was another knock on the door, and then Lance's big head poked in.
"Hey, Robin, are you asleep?"
"Not yet. What's up?"
"I thought you'd like a little something before bed." Lance walked in holding a big mug of hot cocoa. "We're out of marshmallows. Sorry."
"You made this for me?"
"Absolutely! Just don't tell Herbert. He's very strict about these things." He sat at the edge of the bed and laughed. "Can you believe this is our life now? I have a family, and you're a big-shot theatre producer."
"Sometimes I still think it's all a dream. We've come very far." There was a moment of reflective silence, and then Robin said, "Look, Lance, I'm sorry about letting the girls into the pantry. I just really like being the 'cool uncle.'"
"Don't feel bad. They're master manipulators. Herbert and I fall for their mind games half the time. But they adore you."
"I'm still grounded, though, aren't I?"
"Definitely." Lance smiled.
Robin took a sip of his cocoa. It was hot, sweet, and totally worth it.