Once again, the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is off playing poker. Just more madness from my tiny brain.
Poker Pals
"All right!" Pam whooped as she sat down at a fancy poker table in Cheryl's mansion. "Poker night! Whoo Hoo!"
"It's not that big a deal, Pam," Cyril said as he sat down at the table with Cheryl, Ray and Krieger. "We don't even play for money anymore. Just candy."
"It does cut down on the bloodshed and knife incidents," Ray admitted. He was wearing his blue dealer's shirt, cuffs and visor.
"It's still candy," Pam said. "And I got a buttload from the vending machine next door to play with."
"You bought out an entire vending machine?" Cyril asked.
"No," Pam told him.
"Of course, you didn't," Cyril sighed. "Stupid of me to assume that."
"Nah, you're just not that smart period," Cheryl waved.
"Considering the source of that insult…" Cyril glared at her. "I'm not that offended."
"You really should be," Pam said. "But Poker Night is the highlight of the week!"
"Not like we have much of a social life," Krieger admitted. "That's depressing isn't it?"
"In your case it's more like a public service," Ray said as he dealt the cards.
"I had the weirdest dream last night," Cyril remarked as he took some cards.
Cheryl looked at him. "Does it involve going to a fancy resort with William Powell? And the bartender was a young Mickey Rooney? And all your suitcases were full of ice cream and herring?"
"No," Cyril shook his head.
"Was it about you in an Animal Crossing town?" Pam asked. "And you were stealing jewelry and ores from villagers but they didn't care? And then Tom Nook decided to host a hot tub party? And then for some reason Link and Wario showed up."
"No," Cyril looked at her.
Krieger spoke up. "Is it when you're about to perform heart surgery on a balloon animal and all you're wearing is your underwear? And the theater is filled with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir? And instead of a scalpel…You have a spoon?"
"No," Cyril shook his head.
"Okay, How about this one?" Ray suggested. "You're in an elevator with Lorne Greene wearing his cowboy outfit, two masked tightrope walkers, a jar of chocolate pudding and a duck…"
"No!" Cyril told him. "No elevators in this dream! Or ducks."
Cheryl put down her cards without even looking at them. "How about this? Was this a dream about the night Rome burned down but instead of Nero you were with the guy from Growing Pains? And then this giraffe walks in with this monkey…"
"No!" Cyril barked.
"Oh," Cheryl shrugged. "I raise two candy bars…" She casually threw them on the pot.
"You didn't even look at your cards," Ray told her.
"She almost never does," Pam sighed as she looked at hers. "I fold. Okay in this dream Cyril were you at your high school reunion but instead of your classmates there were nothing but Playboy models wearing lingerie and having a pillow fight? When all of the sudden the sprinklers go on…"
"No," Cyril remarked. "But I wish I did! I raise a candy bar."
Krieger threw on another candy bar. "Okay in this dream were you a parrot talking to yourself which was an android on a spaceship? And then you land on this planet full of talking pigs and ice cream…?"
"No!" Cyril said.
Ray threw three candy bars on the pot. "How about this? You are in an aquarium and there are mermen swimming all around you…"
"Definitely not!" Cyril barked.
"It could be mermaids you know?" Ray said a little offended.
"No! No merpeople whatsoever!" Cyril said.
"Well then I call," Ray showed his cards. "Pair of jacks."
"Figures," Krieger groaned. "I have nothing."
"Damn it!" Cyril groaned as Ray took the pot. "Wait, Cheryl hasn't shown her cards yet!"
Cheryl turned them over. "How did an Uno card get in there?"
"We mixed a few decks remember?" Pam said. "Uno cards are wild…Unless you have a Reverse card. But they can get canceled out by a tarot card. Which you have. Nope, she has nothing."
"We really need to get a regulation deck," Cyril groaned.
"And take all the fun out of Poker?" Pam asked. "Okay how about this for your dream? Archer is trapped in a giant hamburger and you have to eat him out…"
"Ewwww…." Everyone said at the same time.
"Archer flavored hamburger? Are there pickles?" Cheryl asked.
"Yup," Pam nodded.
"No, thank you," Cheryl shuddered. "Pickles. Bleach!"
"I didn't have the weirdest dream, did I?" Cyril asked.
"Not by a long shot," Ray shrugged as he dealt the cards. "But tell us anyway."
Cyril looked at his cards. "Okay I'm back in high school and it's almost the end of the year. But not only didn't I finish my projects for this one class, I didn't go to this class for at least most of the year. And I can't remember where my class is."
"That does not sound like you," Pam said.
"It isn't!" Cyril protested. "I never skipped a class or not finish my schoolwork!"
"God even your interesting dreams are boring," Cheryl snickered.
"Well we all can't dream about sex and fire!" Cyril snapped. "I call one candy bar." He threw it into the pot. "It took me three minutes after I woke up to realize I wasn't even in school anymore."
"I've had dreams like that," Krieger said. "Of course, usually I've had them in class."
"Me too," Pam realized.
Cheryl casually looked at her cards. "Okay what does it mean when you have an Uno Reverse card again?"
"I fold," Ray wisely did so.
"Me too," Pam did so.
"Yup," Krieger put his cards down.
"Damn it!" Cyril groaned.
"You win the pot," Pam said.
"Yayyyy!" Cheryl took the candy.
"God damn it," Pam remarked. "That Snickers bar looks really good."
"It's the kind made with almond butter," Cyril admitted.
"Almond butter?" Pam asked. "Fancy!"
"That's nothing!" Krieger waved as they kept playing. "I once made a dark chocolate bar filled with the finest Glengoolie Blue Liqueur. My only mistake was in the marketing. I never should have given it to those kids that one Halloween."
Ray looked at Krieger. "That's the same mistake you made that one year you made those red hots with ghost pepper sauce."
"Same year actually," Krieger sighed. "I'll never forget the screams. And the sight of those children jumping into the East River."
"Well yeah it's on Me Tube," Pam said. "I must have gotten five thousand hits on that sucker."
"Reason why not to take candy from strangers Number Five," Cyril groaned.
"And they don't get any stranger than Krieger," Pam remarked. "I call."
Everyone looked at their cards. "Okay so what does a card with a unicorn on it along with a tarot card mean again?" Cheryl asked.
"It means Ray wins the hand," Pam sighed.
"I thought tarot cards cancel everything?" Cheryl asked in a ticked off voice.
"Everything but unicorn cards and old maid cards," Pam explained. "In fact, tarot cards increase the power of unicorn cards. That means we all have to add an extra candy bar to the pot."
"God damn it," Krieger did so along with the others.
"Whoo-eee!" Ray grinned as he took the pot. "I'm back in Hot-Lanta! Good to be back."
"Excuse me please," Cheryl walked away from the table into the next room. "GOD DAMN IT ALL TO HELL! I HATE THIS STUPID GAME! I WANT THEM ALL TO DIE! DIE! DIE!"
The sound of things breaking in the next room was heard. "She's actually getting better at this," Ray remarked.
"Yeah she went into the next room before breaking things," Krieger agreed. "Definitely more self-control."
Cheryl walked back in. "I'm back," She said cheerfully as she sat down. "Deal me in."
Ray dealt another hand. "Okay so I heard some juicy gossip today."
"If it's about Mindy Mohan's latest reality show tanking, I don't really care anymore," Pam waved.
"Neither do the viewers," Cyril quipped. "That's the problem."
"It's about the new owners of the café next door," Ray said. "You know that nice young couple?"
"What about them?" Cyril asked.
"The café is closing," Ray said. "They're breaking up. He's running off with her sister. She's running off to follow Aerosmith on tour."
"So many problems small businesses have these days," Pam sighed. "I had a feeling they wouldn't make it. Their muffins weren't exactly the best I've had."
"But you eat like two or three of them every day," Cheryl was puzzled.
"Ever hear of this thing called shopping local?" Pam snapped. "I did my part!"
"What is this? The third or fourth owners that café has had since we moved to LA?" Cyril asked.
"Third," Ray said. "But this is the first one we didn't have anything to do with the store closing so that's something."
"Here's something," Pam put her cards down. "Full house! Whoo hoo!"
"You win," Ray admitted as Pam took the pot.
"Yes! Come to Pammy!" Pam cackled.
"That's nice. Excuse me," Cheryl got up and went into the other room. Soon sounds of objects breaking were heard.
Ray casually added. "I hear someone else is interested in the café already."
"Well that's good," Cyril remarked.
"I hope the new owners make decent cappuccino this time," Krieger remarked. "It's so hard to get a good foamy cup."
"You should invest in a hand frother," Ray said. "They are really cheap and do a great job. I have one and it's paid for itself at least twice over."
"GOD DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!" Cheryl was heard screaming. And breaking more objects.
"Really?" Cyril asked. "I would have thought you would use a French press or something fancier."
"I could but honestly the handheld device is easier to clean," Ray shrugged. "And again, cheaper than buying a coffee machine with the frother."
SMASH! CRASH! SMASH!
"I've seen those things online," Pam said. "On the Me Tube videos."
"Yeah just pop the milk in a microwave safe container for fifty seconds," Ray nodded. "Then froth it up. In under two minutes. Boom!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"
"I should check that out," Pam said. "Where do you get those?"
"I got mine in the café section at the bookstore," Ray said. "But they have them in those Bed and Bath stores as well as kitchen stores too."
SMASH!
"How much are they?" Krieger asked.
"Well I had a coupon," Ray said. "I only got mine for ten dollars. But if you figure five dollars for every cup of cappuccino or latte on average…"
SMASH! CRASH! SMASH!
"I've already used it at least ten times," Ray said. "Just add the froth to any coffee and…Boom. Obviously, expresso is the most potent but honestly any coffee will do."
"That is cost efficient," Cyril was impressed. "Even I can afford cappuccino a lot more with that."
SMASH!
"You should totally try it," Ray said.
"I think I will," Cyril said.
"Me too," Krieger nodded.
CRASH! SMASH! CRASH!
"We should get one for the office if it works," Pam said.
"It would certainly stretch the coffee budget a bit," Cyril admitted.
SMASH! CRASH! SMASH!
"Okay," Cheryl rejoined the table. "I'm better now."
"I have to admit you are handling this a lot better than you used to," Pam said.
"We really appreciate you destroying objects outside the room than in the room," Cyril agreed.
"I think I'm maturing," Cheryl remarked.
Krieger asked. "Why do you get so upset? I lose a lot more than you do! And we're not even playing for money!"
"It's the principle of the thing okay?" Cheryl snapped. "Tunts hate to lose!"
"Then why the hell do you hang with us?" Pam wondered aloud.
"The point of this game isn't to win," Cyril said.
"Lucky for you," Pam quipped.
Cyril ignored her. "The point of this game is to hang out with each other. Because we're friends. We are friends, aren't we?"
"Yeah but only because nobody else will hang out with us," Krieger admitted.
"Honestly," Ray sighed. "I can't say I blame them."
"If any of my old rich bitch friends called me up, I'd ditch you guys in a heartbeat," Cheryl sighed. "Which is ironic because a lot of them don't have one anymore."
"What did you do?" Pam sighed.
"Oh no, it wasn't me," Cheryl said. "I was at home with the flu. Or in a hospital. Or a mental hospital. I don't remember where I was, I was pretty drugged up."
"How is that different from your life now?" Ray asked.
Cheryl ignored him. "But I know that I didn't go on the School Sleepover of Death that claimed the lives of a third of my classmates."
"School Sleepover of Death?" Krieger asked, interested.
"It's not as interesting as you would think," Cheryl sighed. "See we had choices for a class trip during my junior year. And for some reason a school sleepover won."
"I never understood that," Ray said. "I mean the whole purpose of a class trip is to get away from school."
"That's what I said!" Cheryl pointed. "And a lot of other people in my class too. That's why more than half the class didn't go. But a lot did. And most of them paid for their terrible choice with their lives."
"How?" Pam asked. "Fire? Tornado? Masked serial killer with a bloody knife?"
"Gas leak," Cheryl said. "The silent killer."
"Oh," Pam nodded.
Cheryl went on. "Out of the 45 students and 7 teachers that went, only 14 students and three teachers survived. Five students and a teacher were able to be revived by the paramedics. Two of the teachers were stuck on the roof making out. Two pairs of students snuck out to make out in the bushes. Misty McCormick snuck out to see her boyfriend in a neighboring school. Ramona Van DerMineral snuck out to see her boyfriend in prison. Veronica Flake and Betty Reinhardt snuck out on the other side of the school to smoke and make out. And Myrtle Carlson was locked out of the school when she got tricked into getting pizzas for the trip and they purposely gave her the wrong address."
"Wow," Ray was stunned.
"Myrtle was the one who called the paramedics," Cheryl added.
"Lucky for Myrtle," Cyril said.
"Not really," Cheryl said. "She was the one stuck with the bill for forty pizzas. On the plus side the school decided to make her class valedictorian. And we all got A's for the year. Of course, we had to go to all those funerals. At least we were supposed to go. I only got out to go to one or two. The rest I ditched. Or was I in solitary confinement?"
"That's horrible what happened to your class Cheryl," Ray said somberly.
"Oh, don't worry," Cheryl waved. "I didn't even know or like most of the people who died. Except this one teacher who gave me candy. At least he said it was candy. I can't remember much after he gave it to me. All I know is whenever I had it during first period, I didn't wake up until it was almost time to go home. Made the day go by much faster."
"Wow," Ray blinked. "Just…Wow."
"This explains a lot," Pam remarked.
"And most of those people who died were pretty much rich idiots whose only goal was to get high, have sex and party," Cheryl added.
"That's not like you at all," Cyril rolled his eyes.
"Something very similar to that happened at my school," Pam realized. "When I was a sophomore the senior class went to a cow inseminating farm. And some of the idiots thought it would be funny to tease some very tense bulls. It wasn't."
"How many got gored to death?" Krieger asked.
"Three," Pam said. "Fred Denklehonker survived but he never walked straight again. Then again, he never walked that straight before. On the upside the bull gored his appendix and it turned out it had to be taken out anyway…"
"I can top that," Ray said as he added to the pot. "My band teacher had a torrid affair with both Miss Perkins our history teacher and one of his students. First clarinet I believe. Anyway, when Miss Perkins found out she went crazy. Attacked the student with her own clarinet and put her in the hospital. Then nearly burned down the school when she set the band room on fire."
"I had a tutor that was eaten by my pet Dobermans," Krieger said. "Shortly before they murdered my father. Wow. I should have seen the writing on the wall."
"You guys had really interesting schools," Cyril blinked. "I mean the worst things that happened at my school was that Tommy Guff the running back got killed in a drunk driving accident. And one of the substitute teachers died of the flu. Didn't believe in vaccinations."
"Sad about the drunk driving," Ray said. "Kids never learn."
"Oh, Tommy wasn't driving," Cyril said. "He was asleep in his bed. A drunk driver ran off the road and hit the tree that fell on the roof and crashed through his room. Never even felt it."
"Well this is a cheerful conversation," Pam remarked. "All the death and destruction from when we were kids."
"Funny thing about Myrtle," Cheryl remarked. "We all swore she would either die alone or end up a lesbian or something. Guess who she married after college? Dirk Hacklebackle."
"The host of the TV game show, Bet Your Mortgage?" Cyril was stunned.
"Yup," Cheryl nodded. "Turns out they had the same allergy doctor. Met in the waiting room. Who knew?"
"Damn," Pam whistled. "He's not only hot, he's rich up the wazoo!"
"Hold on," Cyril spoke up. "I've seen pictures of Hacklebackle's wife. The blond one, right? With the big hair and the…" He indicated large breasts with hands.
"Hair dye," Cheryl explained. "Boob job. Nose job. Teeth straightened. Botox. Laser eye surgery."
"I've seen her too!" Pam realized. "She's one of the housewives on Real Housewives of Schenectady!"
"Yeah when Myrtle the Turtle is one of the most successful people in your class you really have to re-evaluate your life," Cheryl admitted.
"Slow and steady always win the race," Cyril said.
"I guess she can afford those pizzas now," Krieger remarked as he put down his cards. "Hey! I have a Pokémon card!"
"You know what that means!" Ray said as he took out a large bottle of scotch. "The pot stays as it is with no winner and everybody drinks until the bottle is empty!"
"All right!" Everybody cheered as they got out some glasses and Ray poured the drinks.
"I do like these new rules," Pam admitted before taking a drink.
"They do add some spice to the game," Krieger agreed before taking a drink. "I think though after this we should all go out. Try to find some action."
"I think we get enough action," Ray quipped. "Considering how many times Cheryl tries to stab someone during poker night."
"I'm serious," Krieger said. "We should go out on the town! Have some fun! I know some pretty cool places."
"I'm not going into the sewers again," Cyril told him.
"Me neither," Pam agreed then took a drink.
"You don't know what you're missing," Krieger shrugged.
"Yeah we do," Pam told him.
"Crazy mutant clones," Ray counted off. "Crazier homicidal mutant monsters…"
"Not to mention the smell," Cyril groaned.
"Like one of Pam's bowel movements after she has chili dogs," Ray groaned.
Pam shrugged. "Even I got to admit that's pretty bad."
Cheryl snorted. "If I want to smell like shit, I'll just put on some of Archer's expired cologne."
"Do you still have that bottle you stole?" Pam asked.
"I have it somewhere," Cheryl waved as she took a drink. "Or did I leave it back in New York? Honestly, I don't really care anymore. Having the hots for a guy in a coma isn't as exciting as you would think. No wonder Lana ditched his ass."
"Lana didn't ditch Archer," Ray said.
"Oh please!" Cheryl snorted. "How many times has she visited him in the past few months? Even we visited him more than that! And we barely show up."
"She does have a child to take care of," Cyril pointed out.
"Excuses, excuses," Cheryl rolled her eyes. "I'm not saying she's wrong. I'm just saying I get it."
"Don't say that to Ms. Archer or else you will get it," Ray warned.
"Speaking of getting something," Pam shook her empty glass. "Pour me another one Ray!"
"Fine," Ray did so. "I swear sometimes I think I should have stayed on the path to being a bartender."
"In this job there are a lot of similarities," Krieger admitted.
"You wanted to be a bartender?" Cyril asked.
"I dabbled in it those two and a half years I wandered around the world," Ray admitted. "Before I was a spy. I also dabbled in being an airline steward, a waiter, a ski instructor, a backup dancer, a model slash actor, a writer slash artist, a boat salesman…."
"Boat salesman?" Pam interrupted.
"High end luxury yachts actually," Ray shrugged as he took a drink. "It only lasted a few days. My first test drive did not end well. My career got sunk both literally and figuratively on my third day. On the other hand, we crashed on this beach on this lovely resort off the coast of Jamaica. That was a fun weekend."
"You said you were a model and an actor too?" Krieger asked. "What were you in?"
"Nothing major," Ray waved. "I just did some tasteful shots for some magazines…Not the kind you're thinking of people. Get your heads out of the gutter."
"Mine never left," Pam quipped as she took a drink.
"Mostly a few yacht and fancy house magazines," Ray went on. "Admittedly I did get talked into one of the world's worst pornos by my then bastard boyfriend. The jerk made Ed Wood look like an academy award winner. Thank god I wore a mask."
"Did you have a large part?" Cheryl asked innocently.
Ray paused. "Depends on your point of view. I mean it was a non-speaking role but…"
"I think we can get the picture," Cyril groaned as he took a drink. "I used to dream about being a high-powered well-paid defense attorney. But I got burned out. And nearly burned alive by some of my clients."
"My biggest dream was to move out of my house and away from my family," Pam raised her glass. "Mission accomplished."
"It's good to keep your goals low," Cheryl nodded. "This is silly but I always secretly wanted to be a country music singer. Even though I can't sing. Isn't that silly?"
"Should we tell her?" Cyril sighed.
"No," Everyone else said.
"Tell me what?" Cheryl asked.
"You were smart not to go that route," Cyril sighed. "Is there anything else you wanted to do?"
"I always wanted to run my own company and be a titan of industry!" Cheryl grinned. "Just like Joan Collins!"
"You do have your own company!" Pam snapped. "You own a billion-dollar corporation and rake in more dough in a week than most of us will ever see in our lifetime!"
"Oh yeah," Cheryl smiled. "I forgot. Wait a minute. If that's true why am I hanging around you losers?"
"That is the billion-dollar question we've been asking for years," Ray groaned as he took another drink. "What about you Krieger? Any secret dreams or aspirations?"
"Besides being a drummer for Rush," Pam added. "We know that one."
"Heart surgeon," Krieger told them.
"Wow, that one came out of left field," Cyril blinked.
"Not really," Cheryl shrugged. "If you knew about the guy Krieger's modeled after."
"What?" Cyril asked.
"She still thinks we're a cartoon," Pam waved. "Don't engage her."
"That's what I want to be!" Cheryl realized. "Engaged! I mean if an old crone like Ms. Archer can land a guy why can't I?"
"You might want to ask your psychiatrist that question," Ray told her.
"I don't go to a psychiatrist," Cheryl said.
"You might want to start," Ray gave her a look.
"I used to want to be married too," Krieger admitted. "I'm glad I didn't go through with it with Mitsuko. She doesn't exactly have that much depth or substance."
"She's a hologram," Ray looked at him. "She literally doesn't have any substance."
"Yeah how do you do it when you can go right through her?" Pam asked. "And just as I asked the question…"
"Again, the question," Cheryl blinked. "Why do I hang out with these people?"
"I ask that every day of my life," Cyril groaned. "Let's get back to the game."
"That eager to lose, huh Figgis?" Pam snorted.
"Anything to get this night over with," Cyril said as the got back to their cards.
"Oh, come on," Ray said as he dealt. "This isn't exactly our worst poker game. Not even in the top ten."
"Give it time," Cyril said sarcastically. "I fold."
"You just got the cards," Ray said.
"And now I'm throwing them away," Cyril snapped. "This isn't a hand! It's a foot! And it stinks like one!"
"Mine are good," Pam said as she tossed some candy bars on the pot. "I'm in."
"Me too!" Krieger did the same.
"Uno!" Cheryl did so and threw down her cards.
"Two things," Ray sighed. "Cheryl, we're not playing Uno. And two…You don't have any Uno cards."
"But I do!" Krieger showed them. "I have the Reverse card! The Unicorn card! And the Tarot card! Complete and total domination baby!"
"Aw man…" Pam threw down her cards. "I was this close to a full house."
"Krieger wins the pot," Ray said. "Everybody throw in another candy bar."
"Yes!" Krieger cheered as they did so. "Dreams to come true!"
"Good for you Krieger," Cheryl said calmly. "Excuse me." She left the room.
"Wow Krieger," Pam remarked. "You actually won a hand. This is a momentous night."
"The last time you won at Poker we were still in New York," Cyril admitted. "Why can't I get cards like that?"
"Because you're a clueless idiot," Pam said. "Who wouldn't know how to play poker even if the ghost of Stu Ungar had possessed your body."
"Well that's your opinion," Cyril bristled.
"No, that's pretty much the general consensus among the group," Krieger remarked.
"Hey guys!" Cheryl walked back in carrying a flamethrower. "You forgot something. House always wins!"
FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Everyone screamed and ducked out of the way as Cheryl set the table on fire.
"MY HOUSE! MY RULES!" Cheryl cackled. "HA HA HA!"
"Where the hell did Cheryl get a flamethrower?" Cyril screamed as he ran behind a chair.
"God damn it!" Pam groaned. "You really can get anything off the internet. Ray…"
"On three," Ray nodded.
"THREE!" Pam whistled. "Hey Flame Princess!"
"What?" Cheryl turned around. Pam managed to get close to her and punched her out.
Of course, this caused Cheryl to drop the flamethrower onto the floor, as it was still sparking. Several other items including furniture started to catch on fire. Including the chair Cyril was hiding behind.
"Oh, come on!" Cyril shouted as he ran out of the way.
Ray had taken the opportunity to run and grab the nearest fire extinguisher with his super speed. As soon as he started to put out the flames, an alarm sounded and the sprinklers went off. Soon not only was the fire put out, but the room was soaking wet.
"I was right," Cyril grumbled as they were doused with water.
"Aww…" Krieger groaned. "Figures. The one time I win the pot Cheryl burns it."
"Well at least now we have to get a new deck," Ray remarked.
"None of you people are playing with a full deck," Cyril groaned.