Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 8
EPISODE 14
Airdate: March 20, 2020
"J.D.A., Pt. III"
Special Guest Stars: Larisa Oleynik as Denise
#TYH815
SCENE 1
John F. Kennedy International Airport
Exterior Entrance
Queens, New York
A man who appears to be in his mid-thirties is walking out of the airport with a microphone attached to his ear and his luggage.
BUSINESSMAN: See, I don't have a problem with Biden, you know, but he's old. He can't run the country. You know who could do it? Tulsi Gabbard. Beat. I know, she's terrible, but don't you think we deserve a nice piece of ass like that in the Oval Office? I'm not opposed to sexy presidents. Doesn't matter what their policies are as long as they look like movie stars. Hang on, I'll call you back soon.
The man hangs up, gets into his car and drives away from the airport.
SCENE 2
The man is listening to "Animal" by Neon Trees on the radio as he bobs his head to the song while driving. However, at that point, the car begins to slow down.
BUSINESSMAN: Oh, kill me now.
The businessman pulls over on the side of the road and tries starting the car up again, but it doesn't budge.
BUSINESSMAN: Are you kidding me? F***, how many times a month do I need to jump this thing?
(The instrumental to "Small World" by Nas plays in the background)
The businessman pulls out his phone, presumably to call roadside assistance. At that point, a squirrel appears near the man and looks up at him. The man brushes the squirrel off and walks over to the other side of the road while trying to make a call, but the squirrel follows him.
BUSINESSMAN: Do you want a nut? I'm fresh out, so beat it. Chew on your own nuts if you're hungry.
The businessman begins to walk further away from the car so the squirrel could leave him alone, but it continues following him wherever he goes. At that point, the man's eyes widen when he begins to suspect something is terribly wrong with the squirrel. He slowly puts his phone in his pocket, backs away from the squirrel staring him down, and runs while screaming. The man looks for a place to be free but the squirrel keeps up the chase. The man sees a nearby gas station and smiles as he heads for it, but he ends up tripping on a stick and falls to the ground. The squirrel climbs up on the man's body and begins biting his face as he screams and the "Small World" instrumental continues playing.
SCENE 3
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
One night, the kids are watching TV. RK is noticeably absent.
REPORTER (V.O.): We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming for this news update.
The kids groan.
BUSTER: We have CNN for a reason, why are they doing this?
JAYLYNN: What makes it worse is we're going to miss the whole episode. We'll have to find another day it comes on, and wait to watch it then. That's the bullshit I can't stand.
WADE: We could always find the episode online. It's just a rerun.
JAYLYNN: But I'm lazy, though. I don't have time for all that.
At that point, RK walks downstairs.
RK: I love your bathroom, Sparko. But you ever thought about replacing your toilet with a urinal?
SPARKY: I'm not going to explain why that's a bad idea because you'll figure it out before you go home. You used the air freshener?
RK: Of course, I did, I'm not an animal. It doesn't have to be like last time. Wait a minute, what did I tell you guys about watching the news? It's trying to poison the younger generation!
JAYLYNN: It's not our fault, it came on its own. They interrupted the show.
RK: Wait, they deliberately cut off Corky to deliver news?
JAYLYNN: They cut off Corky. I've been dying for you to see this episode.
WADE: Again, reruns. Online. They exist.
RK: Wade, the first rule of television is if you haven't seen it, it's not a rerun. It's a new episode that's just waiting for you to notice its presence. What cut it off?
BUSTER: Some news report about the squirrel virus. It's really starting to take off.
RK: I think people are overreacting. One squirrel with a severe illness bites a guy on a business trip and now, we can't watch Corky? What a shame.
SPARKY: Haven't 600 cases already been reported in America?
RK: Yeah, but Sparky, here's the million-dollar question you need to answer. Remember, this is for the grand prize: Did the squirrel virus report keep Corky from being cut off tonight?
SPARKY: No, it didn't.
RK: No, it did not. See, just when you think you have the questions, I change the questions.
SCENE 4
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK walks into the living room that night and sees KG circling the kitchen while gnawing on a pencil.
RK: Oh, shit, KG's approaching his final form! Don't do it, man, forget about those Animorphs books!
KG: Cute. If you don't mind, I'm in the middle of an emotional breakdown here.
RK: Why, what's going on?
KG: Mr. Ansolabehere is doing a performance appraisal tomorrow. And since you're too young to understand that, a performance appraisal is what management uses to assess the value of its employees.
RK: Stop insulting my intelligence. You're just getting a job evaluation, cut it out with the froufrou talk.
KG: You don't get it, man. This is my first ever appraisal. I need to prove that I deserve my job tomorrow. If Mr. Ansolabehere doesn't pass me, I'll have to start getting unemployment checks.
RK: Dude, you have nothing to worry about. You show up on time, you work hard, customers like you. And you saved your boss' life.
KG: As a result of a premeditated murder that I technically orchestrated.
RK: Please, you weren't the one to tell Bitch Clock to be an idiot. The point is, you're unfireable. Ansolabehere couldn't touch you if he wanted to.
KG: Huh. You're right, brother. I have it made at that job. Fernando's Pizza wouldn't be shit without me.
RK: Wouldn't be shit without you, man.
KG: Tomorrow, I'm gonna walk into that restaurant and be like, "Hey, boss man, appraise me, if you're feeling froggy."
RK: He better jump when you ask him if he's feeling froggy.
KG: Then I'll strut my stuff around town like I run the joint.
RK: Damn right, strut like you mean it. Free your mind, come on now.
KG: And...and if Mr. Ansolabehere starts to get unruly, he's really gonna feel it.
RK: He'll be feeling it like hot cherry oil on his backside.
KG: You know, all this is just me blowing smoke.
RK: I know. Please keep your job so we don't go hungry.
SCENE 5
Fernando's Pizza
Interior Dining Area
Seattle, Washington
KG walks into the restaurant the next day and looks around to find nobody there.
KG: Wait, what the hell? It's like a ghost town in here, where are the customers?
Mr. Ansolabehere walks in from the kitchen.
MR. ANSOLABEHERE: KG, you're here. Fantastic.
KG: When are we starting the appraisal, sir? I want it to be in and out, no funny business.
MR. ANSOLABEHERE: Eh, there's no appraisal today, kid. I'm postponing it, there's too much tension in the air.
KG: Tension? From what?
MR. ANSOLABEHERE: Haven't you heard about the squirrel virus? Everybody's panicking. Stores are already losing business.
KG: Don't you think this is a little dramatic? Some people get a little sick, who cares?
MR. ANSOLABEHERE: A little sick? KG, here's how this works. I need customers to support my incredible business. They need to eat my food, they need to savor my food. Without that, I'm worthless. My business will shut down, and everyone here will be laid off, including you. Is that what "a little sick" means to you?
KG: No, it doesn't. The last time everyone flew off the handle like this, it was for that HIV panic. Turns out people just had a really aggressive cough.
SCENE 6
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The kids walk into school and see many of their classmates wearing surgical masks.
RK: What happened here, a gas leak?
SPARKY: It's the squirrel virus. Nobody wants to get infected.
RK: Well, they can get injected. You think a little mask is going to do anything when I take a needle filled with virus juice, tap on it real quick, and stick it into your bloodstream? No. They better recognize.
JAYLYNN: What the hell are you trying to say most of the time?
RK: Those who can, know. Those who can't, try following the people around who can and know. That's what I'm trying to say.
At that point, static is heard through the loudspeakers.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR (V.O.): Attention, students and faculty of iCarly Elementary. The squirrel virus has already made its presence felt in Seattle. I advise everybody to take all the necessary precautions. Cover your mouth with your sleeve when you sneeze. Wash your hands and use disinfectant regularly. And if you're sick, please stay home.
RK: I think I'm coming down with something.
WADE: Shush.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR (V.O.): Thank you for your time. Hey Karen, I haven't used this thing in a long time, how do I turn it off? Beat. Because I think they can still hear me. Beat. They can't? Are you sure? Beat. Okay, cool. *singing "bad idea" by Ariana Grande* I got a bad idea, Gregor-chan! Let's take a little bit of time away. I got a bad idea...
SCENE 7
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Hours later, the kids are leaving school when they hear strange screaming. They rush to the scene and see Will trying to hold back Manny, who is spraying a kid in the face with Lysol.
MANNY: You're not infecting me with shit! Do better!
WILL: Dude, leave him alone. You made your point!
SPARKY: What are you doing, Manny?! You're going to kill him!
MANNY: He almost coughed on me. He has the virus! EVERYBODY HAS THE VIRUS! DO BETTER!
Manny proceeds to turn on Will and spray him in the eyes, then all members of TSE. They begin screaming, coughing, and twitching on the floor. Manny sprays himself for protection, and ends up doing the same thing as the others.
BUSTER: AH, GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY!
SCENE 8
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK looks visibly tired as he comes home while KG watches TV. He goes to the couch.
KG: You look like you had a hard day.
RK: Yeah, Manny sprayed everybody within ten feet of him with Lysol, and then he sprayed himself. It took a half hour for everybody to get their eyeballs flushed. And for some reason, he kept saying "Do better" like that was his catchphrase.
KG: Are you kidding me? You want me to come over there and whoop that kid's ass?
RK: No need, me and the guys already have an ambush prepared. But how was your appraisal?
KG: There's nothing to talk about.
RK: Wait, what? You got fired?! Oh no, it's back to eating soup from a paper plate for a while.
KG: You remember that we had money before I started working, right?
RK: Maybe, but I can't remember everything. So, did you cry when Ansolabehere fired you? Don't worry, I won't tell Denise anything.
KG: He didn't fire me. The appraisal never happened. That squirrel virus chased off our regulars.
RK: I don't get it. Why is everybody losing their minds over this? It's not the first time a disease has broken out before.
KG: You know why? It's the media. The media has everybody scared and pissed off because of this. They're making it seem like the virus is AIDS, cancer, and heart failure all rolled into one.
RK: Of course. The media caused this, why am I not surprised? Good thing we're not on that wave.
KG: Damn right. See, we see right through the media, see? We have that 20/20 vision going on.
RK: Pure, unadulterated, next level hindsight.
KG: Best kind of sight there is.
Beat.
RK: You think this squirrel virus is going to make the city start cancelling events?
KG: I hope not. I have a show at the Laugh Machine this weekend and there's an all-you-can-eat fried chicken buffet.
SCENE 9
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
After school, the kids are heading towards Ike's.
RK: I'm just saying, it's a stupid story. You have three bears, all of whom are most likely trained killers, and they let a petite white girl come in and ruin their happy home? What part of the game is that?
SPARKY: Wait a minute, I thought Goldilocks escaped before they could touch her.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, it's not like they just stood there and watched everything happen.
RK: Good point. Either way, I bet it would make one hell of a news story.
RK tries opening the door, but it is locked.
RK: You know, I had a nightmare about this. It wasn't funny then and it isn't funny now.
The kids begin banging on the door when Woody comes to unlock and open it.
WOODY: What are you kids doing here banging on the door like the police?
BUSTER: We came to eat ice cream. You know, the ice cream you sell? Are you aware that you sell ice cream to people?
WOODY: I don't need a smartass right now. I just got shut down indefinitely by the health inspector.
KIDS: What?!
WADE: What's the meaning of this? We demand an answer!
WOODY: Look, some guy this morning felt sick as a dog and he was tested outside the shop. Turned out he tested positive for the squirrel virus so now, nobody wants a bowl of hot fudge, whipped cream, and nuts.
JAYLYNN: I know you're going through tough times right now, but could you not say it like that?
SPARKY: So, that's it? Everybody's afraid of getting hit with the squirrel virus so we can't eat ice cream?
WOODY: Sorry, guys. If anything, maybe science will come up with a cure or vaccine quick fast in a hurry.
WADE: I think most vaccines require at least a year and a half of production.
WOODY: Well, it was nice knowing you guys. Stay healthy.
Woody goes back inside.
RK: No more Ike's? This squirrel virus messed with the wrong kids. Sure, you can keep people from coming in and out of the country and infect all the celebrities you want, but you started playing a dangerous game when you got rid of Ike's, and you know you can't finish it. The blood is now on your hands.
JAYLYNN: What, do you think the virus is hiding up in the clouds? Get a hold of yourself.
RK: The blood can be on your hands too if you're feeling spicy today.
JAYLYNN: Nah, I'm cool.
SCENE 10
Fernando's Pizza
Interior Kitchen
Seattle, Washington
That same day, KG is wiping up the counter while the other employees are attending to their business. At that point, Mr. Ansolabehere walks in with his head down.
MR. ANSOLABEHERE: Everybody, stop working! There's an important announcement I need to make!
The employees all turn their attention to Mr. Ansolabehere.
MR. ANSOLABEHERE: I just got a call from the health department. Effective immediately, Fernando's Pizza is being shut down for the foreseeable future.
All the employees groan and murmur amongst each other.
KG: Mr. Ansolabehere, what's going to happen to us? We have bills!
MR. ANSOLABEHERE: You're 15 years old, you don't pay bills.
KG: Maybe, but these fully grown adults have bills!
MR. ANSOLABEHERE: Look, if it was up to me, I would keep going until the end of time, but this squirrel virus is full of momentum right now. I bet you any amount of money that they were serving food during the Bubonic Plague. Yeah, there were disgusting rats knocking about and killing people, but the world still needed some chow.
KG: So, what do we do? Maybe we can convince the health department to reconsider.
MR. ANSOLABEHERE: No, KG, it's over. The restaurant, my legacy. It's gone.
KG: What do you mean, boss?
MR. ANSOLABEHERE: Didn't you hear what I just said? It's gone, and we can't do nothing about it.
Mr. Ansolabehere leaves the kitchen while KG stands still, not knowing what to do or say.
SCENE 11
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
At night, both RK and KG look depressed.
KG: No more pizza.
RK: No more pizza? Try no more pizza and no more ice cream. That's a living hell.
KG: Yeah, our living hell. This is terrible. If this squirrel virus keeps going, I'll have no choice but to look for another job. I mean, what am I supposed to do? Beg people on the street for a donation to some charity they've never heard of?
Cut to a fantasy sequence of KG in a red vest, waving around a bell trying to get the attention of people that pass him by on the street.
KG: Save the Children, thirty seconds. I just need thirty seconds to talk about Save the Children, guys. It's your shot to help out, Save the Children.
At that point, an older man walks towards KG.
KG: Pardon me, sir, do you have thirty seconds to discuss kids at the Mexican border?
MAN: Ah, please, go f*** your mother.
The man walks off-screen. Beat.
KG: Nah, I'd rather f*** yours!
KG smiles, then begins running away when the man starts chasing after him. Cut back to the present day.
RK: I think you have to be a little bit older for that job.
KG: Makes sense. But I would suck at it no matter how old I am.
RK: It's times like this that we need a detective. Not just any detective, I'm talking about the real, badass gumshoes from back in the day.
KG: Yeah, those guys were awesome. They would find the source of that squirrel virus and knock it out of town like Mike Tyson.
RK: Wait a minute. We could be the badass gumshoes!
KG: What do you mean?
RK: KG, today, you lost your job and I lost my after-school hangout. It's time we figure out what's really going on here and make sure Seattle never has to deal with the squirrel virus again.
KG: You mean, you want to bring it back one more time?
RK: If you're on board, then we're back at it again.
KG: Oh, I'm on board. Seattle needs us.
RK: They damn sure do, partner.
(The instrumental to "22 Two's" by Jay-Z plays in the background)
RK and KG put on matching detective fedoras and shake hands.
KG: Wait, should we really be shaking hands? You know, on account of this disease?
RK: Eh, we're family.
KG shrugs and continues the handshake.
SCENE 12
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The next day at school, the guys are all near their lockers. RK is dressed in his Jennings Detective Agency gear.
SPARKY: Hey, could you explain your plan again? I blacked out the first time and when I woke up, I couldn't remember it.
RK: I know what happened, Sparko. I was one of the people who spent five minutes trying to revive you.
SPARKY: So, could you explain it again?!
RK: Alright, damn. It's simple. KG and I are going to investigate the origins of this disease in Seattle. Once we do, we take out the original source and by doing so, the whole city will be squirrel virus-free.
WADE: That's not how this works. That's not how anything you just said works.
RK: Oh, so what are you trying to say, Wade? I'm not man enough to do this? That KG and I can't knuckle down and stop a viral outbreak?
WADE: No, you can't. And I want to make it very clear here that you're capable of many things, but Superman, Jesus, and the entire CDC can't even get rid of a viral outbreak in the time you're suggesting.
JAYLYNN: Besides, don't you think this might be a little too much to handle?
RK: You guys make me ashamed. The Jennings Detective Agency knocks it out of the park every time. We're the ones who found Santa's Little Helper last year. Remember that, Sparky?
SPARKY: Yes, I do. I really appreciate that.
JAYLYNN: And what else have you guys done?
RK: Um, we...we, uh, saved Christmas. From pointless, mind-numbing consumerism.
JAYLYNN: No, you didn't.
Beat.
RK: You're upset because you can't pull this off.
JAYLYNN: What?
RK: Yeah, I said it!
SCENE 13
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK and KG are looking through a manila envelope that contains several files related to the squirrel virus. RK takes out his tape recorder.
RK: At this stage, my brother and I are just opening up the case. Many different routes to take, many suspects. But we're going to close it tighter than a suitcase zipper.
KG: Seriously, I don't know why you still use that. There's a recording option on phones that were made ten years ago.
RK: KG, there's nothing authentic about that. We're gumshoes. Everything has to be dramatic and over-the-top even if it's unnecessary.
KG: Well, could I take a crack at that?
RK: No. Tape recording is my gimmick. You need your own unique thing, like wearing sunglasses or using a toothpick.
KG: Could I do both?
RK: No. You're a detective, not a tryhard. Okay, so we know that the squirrel virus came to America when a mentally insane squirrel attacked a guy heading home from a business trip.
KG: The guy was admitted to the hospital and seemed fine, but he ended up infecting three other people on the bus when his symptoms got worse.
RK: Then it took off from there.
KG: So, what's our first stop then?
RK: Good question. Let me think about that while I chew on this Tootsie Pop.
RK puts the Tootsie Pop in his mouth and has an inquisitive look on his face.
KG: Are you kidding me with this?
RK: What? They didn't have Blow Pops at the corner store, I had to make do. I'm just as upset about this as you are.
SCENE 14
Orange Pursel Medical Center
Interior Lobby
Seattle, Washington
RK and KG walk into the hospital and go to the front desk.
KG: Excuse me, we're here on official business.
FRONT DESK LADY: Could I help you?
RK: He just said we're here on official business. I think that's the go-ahead to help us.
FRONT DESK LADY: Listen, are you two lost or something? You need me to contact your parents?
KG: What? No. We're the Jennings Detective Agency. We're investigating the origin of the squirrel virus here in Seattle, and we need to figure out how it got in.
FRONT DESK LADY: How it got in?
RK: Yeah. Who brought it in? Was someone traveling? What about quarantining? This is our biggest case yet!
FRONT DESK LADY: Boys, I would be giving away confidential patient information. That's not for me to share with either of you.
KG: You're covering something up. I can see it in your eyes.
RK: It's a conspiracy!
KG: Damn right. You're not keeping us away from the truth, ma'am!
Cut to RK and KG being escorted out of the hospital by security.
RK: Hey big guys, the dame's trying to keep her lips zipped about the virus, you see? You gotta make with the real article or we're all headed down the creek in a jiffy!
The security leaves.
KG: I don't think you should use your detective talk around strangers.
RK: So, who can I use it on? It's not my fault nobody gets it.
KG: I guess we're going to have to find another opening in the case. Let's go stock up though, this virus is giving me the hives.
SCENE 15
Amazing Dollars
Seattle, Washington
RK is looking at cereal boxes when KG walks up to him with rolls of toilet paper.
KG: We need to get out of here. I almost got choked trying to pick these up.
RK: Don't worry, we're almost done here. Oh my God, this is horrible!
KG: What?
RK: They have Twinkies cereal?! What kind of world are we coming to?
Beat.
RK: I'm buying this, don't judge me.
RK and KG walk to the long line and get approached by one of the employees.
JENNIFER: How are you guys doing? I'm Jennifer, I work here at Amazing Dollars. Is everything okay?
RK: It really is. Supplies at reasonable prices? You can't beat that.
KG: You sound like a commercial.
RK: They might have cameras here, or a gun.
JENNIFER: Yeah, this squirrel virus has made everybody more on edge. But our business has been doing really well since the whole thing started.
KG: Oh?
JENNIFER: Yeah. People just keep on coming here.
RK: That's interesting. Almost every store in this city is shut down, but you guys have been making money?
JENNIFER: Crazy, right? Weeks ago, we were about to go out of business and now, we're here. This was like a blessing in disguise. For us, anyway.
KG: I bet it was.
KG and RK give each other confused stares.
SCENE 16
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That night, KG is doing research on his laptop related to Amazing Dollars.
KG: RK, come down here! I made a break in the case! RK! RK!
RK: KG, I'm standing right next to you. I was just in the kitchen.
KG: Then why didn't you say anything?
RK: It was more fun this way. So, what's up?
KG: I was doing some research on Amazing Dollars. Something felt weird about that Jennifer girl.
RK: Maybe she's just one of those big talkers. It's exhausting for everyone.
KG: I think there's more to the story than that. She said that the store was about to shut down weeks ago, right?
RK: Right.
KG: And all of a sudden, the squirrel virus hits and they have more customers than they know what to do with?
RK: That's another one. Okay, this looks like a big win for us. But what does it all mean, chief?
KG: I think Amazing Dollars brought the squirrel virus to Seattle so they could boost their sales.
RK: Those bastards! Alright, let's take 'em down!
KG: Hold up, partner. We can't just go off a theory. We need evidence. We need to throw them off their game.
RK: Of course. We bait them into a confession. Get them under the pressure cooker, attack them until they admit their crimes.
KG: And once they do, I'll get my job back and you'll get Ike's back.
RK: You know if we're wrong, we might end up compromising the integrity of the store, damaging their reputation and causing this city to go into even more hysteria than before?
KG: Probably. But remember when we baited that little girl into admitting she stole the bike? She said she didn't, but we knew she did.
RK: Oh yeah. What a dumbass kid.
KG: I know, right? I loved making her cry and stutter.
SCENE 17
Amazing Dollars
Seattle, Washington
RK and KG walk into the store and survey the area. RK then pulls out his tape recorder.
RK: Today is the day we choose to apprehend the prime suspect. The clues have been cold in the later stages, but a taped confession could end up making this case an inside-the-park home run.
KG: Seriously, who are you recording this for?
RK: Myself. I thought about becoming a voice actor, what do you think?
KG: I see you as more of a writer than an actor. That's not an insult or a compliment.
RK: Let's just move fast and finish this.
RK takes a nearby green bucket and puts it upside down, then stands on it and blows a whistle, getting the attention of the other customers.
RK: Don't be alarmed, the JDA comes in peace. With the squirrel virus going around, we think you all deserve the facts.
KG: And the fact is, you're all being played! This store has been lying to you about what's really going on in this city! Do you want the honest truth?!
MALE CUSTOMER (O.S.): No, shut the f*** up.
KG: See, Amazing Dollars has been making money hand over fist ever since the other stores in this city were forced to close down. Why? Because the health department didn't think they were safe enough to go to anymore.
RK: And why's that, brother?
KG: Because, brother, the squirrel virus is believed to have contaminated the food. Pizza, ice cream, Chinese food, beef patties. Now, we're at the mercy of this superstore.
MALE CUSTOMER (O.S.): Get to the f***ing point, Inspector Gadget!
RK: Amazing Dollars brought the squirrel virus into Seattle so they could be the only store in business!
There is confused murmuring amongst the customers. The store manager steps into the picture to see what is happening.
STORE MANAGER: Excuse me, but what kind of propaganda are you kids spewing?
RK: You know exactly what we're spewing. You took something beautiful and pure and destroyed it for money. Who does that?
KG: Admit it, you guys were losing money by the day. You had to come up with something or your business would be closed forever. Then the squirrel virus hits, and you have the opportunity of a lifetime.
RK: So, you were able to get yourself a couple samples of the virus from an undisclosed source, which you paid big bucks for. Then you injected people with the virus, and planted them in stores all over town so customers would freak out and start going here.
KG: It was the only way you could ever get this amount of people buying your products. You make me sick.
Beat.
STORE MANAGER: You can't prove that! Who talked?! Was it that bitch Jennifer?! WAS IT?!
RK and KG give each other smug smiles while the store manager looks around and begins tugging on his collar.
STORE MANAGER: I mean, that's what someone else in this room told me minutes before I came out here!
SCENE 18
Amazing Dollars
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
Later on, the cops have arrived on the scene and several employees from Amazing Dollars, including the store manager, are being put into police cars. The JDA watches the whole thing unfold as some cops walk up to them.
CHIEF SIMMONS: You guys really did some amazing work this morning, no pun intended. Thanks to you, Seattle's going to avoid one of the worst economic declines in history.
KG: We'll do whatever we can to keep this city safe.
RK: You know something, KG? I think we can consider this case...
RK takes a burrito out of his pocket and wraps it up in aluminum foil.
RK: ...wrapped up.
JAYLYNN: No, boo, you suck.
RK: Have you guys been standing there the whole time?
WADE: No, but we caught that terrible line just now and had to hold you accountable.
SPARKY: Guys, once again, I'm impressed. How do you manage to do it every time? What's your secret?
KG: Sparky, my man, a true detective never reveals their secrets.
BUSTER: I thought that was for magicians.
RK: Detective work is just like magic, Buster. You have all your tricks in the bag, but you can't figure out the motives. You can't understand the method of deduction. It's a process with no rabbit in the hat, but the true rabbit...the true...bunny rabbit, Buster...is hopping along the whole time.
Beat.
JAYLYNN: How do you guys have girlfriends?
KG: We're obviously doing something better than you, sweetheart.
SCENE 19
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Later that day, the brothers are watching TV when they hear the doorbell ring.
RK: I'm worried.
KG: Why?
RK: Well, that can't be one of our friends. They're never that polite, they just walk in.
KG: Maybe it's the mailman.
KG walks to the door and sees the police through the peephole.
KG: Holy shit, it's the boys in blue!
RK: Any chance they're here to give us a commendation, or invite us to a banquet in our honor?
KG: I don't know, but I don't trust them. We're not even in uniform. Quick, give me your gun.
RK: Dude, are you insane?!
KG: You're right, they'll see it coming a mile away. I pull, they pull, it's over.
RK: Just open the door. We literally saw them this morning!
KG: And you dare say that you're anti-police. I need a quick disguise.
KG goes into the closet and comes out a few seconds later with a sun hat, sunglasses, and a fur coat.
KG: Alright, I'm ready.
RK: Man, what the hell are you wearing?
KG: It's either Denise's beach gear or her Halloween costume from last year. Her loss is my gain.
KG opens the door.
KG: Could I interest you boys?
CHIEF SIMMONS: Yes, we're looking for a Kevin Jennings?
KG: Eh, I don't know anything about that kid. He's long gone.
CHIEF SIMMONS: Would your little brother know?
KG: What are you talking about? I don't have a brother. My-my name is Kunta Kinte, a Mandingo warrior from the village of Juffure.
Chief Simmons removes the sun hat and glasses from KG.
CHIEF SIMMONS: Stop playing around. We need to discuss serious business.
RK: Look, Chief McNulty, KG didn't do anything wrong.
CHIEF SIMMONS: Didn't I already tell you what my name was?
RK: You did, but I really think you should change it.
CHIEF SIMMONS: I'm not here to arrest Kevin. Why would I after the incredible detective work he performed today?
RK: Well, actually, it was more of a two-man job if you catch my drift.
CHIEF SIMMONS: Kevin, after careful consideration with my staff, we want to offer you the opportunity to work for the precinct part-time.
RK AND KG: What?!
RK: But he's only in the ninth grade!
KG: Yeah, and I already have a great job.
CHIEF SIMMONS: Right, the pizza thing. Hey, I love Italian food too. But you have a future in criminal justice, kid. We could use someone with your intelligence.
RK: Um, McNulty? Any reason you're offering my brother the job and not me?
CHIEF SIMMONS: For one, he doesn't call me by the wrong name. And I can't have a ten-year-old boy working for me. What would you even do?
RK: The exact same thing you want him to do!
CHIEF SIMMONS: I don't think so, son. Focus on school for a couple more years. Kevin, here's a pamphlet of everything the job entails. We hope to hear back from you soon.
Chief Simmons leaves the house, then comes back.
CHIEF SIMMONS: Ryan, you know what? You deserve something just as much as your brother. Here's a DVD of season three of The Jamie Foxx Show. Enjoy.
Chief Simmons passes RK the DVD, then gives him the wink and the gun gesture before leaving.
KG: I can't believe this. I have the chance to be a real live detective.
Beat.
RK: I don't even watch this show!
SCENE 20
The Jennings Household
Interior Kitchen
Seattle, Washington
RK is eating his Twinkies cereal the next morning when KG walks in.
KG: Top of the morning to you, laddie.
Beat.
KG: What's wrong? I thought you loved my Irish accent.
RK: I'm not eating Lucky Charms, KG. It doesn't work.
KG: Please, it always works. So, I was thinking about this detective job and I think I'm gonna take it.
RK: Are you serious? You're really going to work for the police?
KG: I don't see why not. Peep the benefits real quick. I get paid way more money than at Fernando's, I get vision, dental, and health insurance, and the chance to work on real cases.
RK: Dude, this doesn't make any sense. You're a comedian, not a detective. What do you know about fighting actual crime?
KG: Not too much, but Chief Simmons will realize that in time, then make sure that I know everything. It's the perfect scam.
RK: I can't believe you, man. You're going to throw away what you have with Mr. Ansolabehere, all that free pizza, just for a chance to maybe solve an actual case one day?
KG: Hey, this is good for the both of us. Why do you have your underwear stuck so tightly up your ass crack?
RK: Because Chief McNulty looked me over and singled you out. It's called the Jennings Detective Agency, not the Jennings Detective. Shit doesn't even make any sense out loud.
KG: Oh, so you're jealous? Even though you wouldn't have taken the job anyway?
RK: Damn right. I wanted to look that baldheaded bastard right in his eye and tell him no. But he didn't even give me that chance.
KG: You know what? A real brother would be supportive instead of trying to tear me down.
RK: How can I? You're destroying the agency we built!
KG: That agency is the minor leagues, RK, I'm headed for the big time!
RK: You know what? Fine. Take that stupid job slaving away for cops. But just know that the Jennings Detective Agency will go on without you.
KG: How can it? It's not an agency with just one person.
RK: I'm keeping the copyright!
RK leaves the kitchen, then comes back a few seconds later for his cereal.
RK: Takin' ma damn cereal.
RK leaves the kitchen again.
SCENE 21
Seattle Police Department
Seattle, Washington
KG walks into the precinct in his detective uniform on his first day of work.
KG: Have no fear, everybody, Kevin Jennings is here.
Chief Simmons walks up to KG and shakes hands with him.
CHIEF SIMMONS: Kevin, my man.
KG: Chief Simmons, you look great today.
CHIEF SIMMONS: Well, I have been making less stops to Pizza Hut lately.
KG: And it shows. Sir, I just want to thank you for this amazing opportunity. I can't wait to get my hands dirty and start solving some real grimy, gutter cases in this town.
CHIEF SIMMONS: Believe me, you're closer to that day than you think. But as the new guy, Jennings...could I call you Jennings?
KG: I wouldn't be on the force if you didn't.
CHIEF SIMMONS: As the new guy, Jennings, you have to work your way up to the money cases. It's a learning curve.
KG: I totally understand. So, what's my first case? Guy didn't pay his parking tickets? A road rage incident? A stalking case?
CHIEF SIMMONS: Better than that. A desk patrol case. We have these official police documents here. We need them typed, so we have digital copies of them.
KG: I'm, uh...I'm typing? Like in school?
CHIEF SIMMONS: I know it might seem like busy work, but you just got here and these documents...
KG: Say no more. You gotta crawl before you can walk. Just know that I'll type these babies up in a snap, and when I do, I'll be ready for some real, hard-hitting cases.
SCENE 22
Seattle Police Department
Seattle, Washington
Later that day, a bored KG is on the phone.
KG: Seattle Police Department, how can we assist you? Beat. You got your sandwich stolen? Are you sure you didn't just eat it? Beat. Okay, I understand, but this is the police. We can't waste our time with stuff like this. People are in real danger out in these parts. Beat. I don't care if you already poured a glass of juice. Just make a new sandwich, we're very busy today. What? What? Beat. Wait a minute. Trevor, is that you? Get off the f***ing line.
KG slams the phone down and sighs.
SCENE 23
iCarly Elementary School
Exterior Playground
Seattle, Washington
Dressed in his JDA gear, RK is watching a worm using a magnifying glass.
RK: Behold, the humble worm. It's looking for something, but it doesn't know what. There's trouble waiting for this poor worm, and it's up to me to keep it out of harm's way. Okay, this sucks. Everything about this sucks.
Ashley and Sanna walk up to RK.
ASHLEY: Hey RK. Why do you look like a cowboy mobster?
RK: What? I'm a detective, Ashley. This is the classic ensemble of the early 20th century gumshoe.
SANNA: I think you can be whatever you wanna be.
ASHLEY: Okay, but why dress like that?
RK: I'm looking for cases to crack and crimes to clean up. But unfortunately, it's not working out since everybody wants to stay out of trouble these days.
SANNA: You'll find something.
RK: I know you don't care and you're just saying that, so that means nothing to me. Wait a minute. I think I know a way you guys can help me.
ASHLEY: How?
RK: Alright, this goes against what I stand for as a detective, but I need you two to pick a fight with each other.
ASHLEY: You're out of your mind.
SANNA: Yeah, I'm not doing that.
RK: Look, you guys can just make something up. Fight over who ate the last cupcake, I don't know. Then I can step in and figure out who really ate the last cupcake. Case cracked.
ASHLEY: There's no cupcake.
RK: There's gonna be a cupcake, I just need you two to cooperate. Now...fight.
RK tries to get Ashley and Sanna in fighting position.
SANNA: RK, will you stop it?
RK: Not until I crack the case. Just move the arm here...
RK tries to adjust Ashley's arm, but it ends up hitting her in the eye.
SANNA: You idiot!
RK: You guys know I didn't mean to...
ASHLEY: Get him.
RK screams and runs away from the girls as they chase after him.
SCENE 24
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Principal's Office
Seattle, Washington
RK is being seen by Principal MacGregor.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: RK, you can't go around starting fights between kids. I'm giving you detention.
RK: Principal MacGregor, I had my reasons. My detective agency is going downhill, I need cases!
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: You can crack the case of why you always end up in my office multiple times a year. Here's your detention slip, and I don't want to hear about you doing this again.
RK: You disappoint me, sir.
RK takes the detention slip and begins to leave.
RK: And seriously, you like Thank U, Next? You know Ariana has better albums than that, right?
RK shakes his head and leaves the office. Principal MacGregor looks humiliated.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Karen, you told me nobody could hear my singing!
SCENE 25
George Meyer High School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
KG is writing something down while his friends eat lunch.
DENISE: Babe, are you working on jokes for your next show?
KG: Nope. I'm doing research on a hot case in Seattle. I'm going to show Chief Simmons I can handle more than taking calls.
RODNEY: Hasn't it almost been a month since you were hired? They still haven't given you anything to do?
KG: Nothing. Which is why I need to take initiative and prove I belong there.
TREVOR: Why can't you just solve cases with your brother? Then you won't need the police.
KG: The JDA is dead, Trevor. I'm on to bigger and better things now.
DENISE: Really? Because you've been complaining a lot about that job.
KG: Complaining is the first step to succeeding. Once Simmons sees my hard work, I'll be indispensable.
SCENE 26
Seattle Police Department
Seattle, Washington
The next day, KG is once again taking calls.
KG: I don't get what you're asking me. We're busy at the precinct, sir. Beat. What am I wearing? Like I said before, this isn't the phone number for that. You want Sexy Singles. And it's 2020, you're still using hotlines? Do better.
KG hangs up. A young-looking police officer walks up to KG.
BAXTER: KG, Chief Simmons wants to talk to you.
KG: Really? Chief Simmons wants to talk to me? Chief SImmons wants to talk to me. What about, Baxter?
BAXTER: I don't know. I'm just the messenger. Half the time, he doesn't even talk to me.
KG: Alright, I guess I'll mosey on over there.
Cut to KG walking into the office with a smug smile.
KG: You, uh...wanted to see me, chief?
CHIEF SIMMONS: Have a seat, Kevin.
KG: Now, I know that giving you my research might have been a little inappropriate, but...
CHIEF SIMMONS: You mean, extremely inappropriate. Kevin, what the hell were you thinking?
KG: I was thinking like a real detective. I looked for clues, interviewed potential suspects, thought about motives. I wanted to show you what I was made of.
CHIEF SIMMONS: What you're made of is tomfoolery and malarkey. Kevin, you can't interfere in cases like these, they're out of your jurisdiction.
KG: Yeah, but...
CHIEF SIMMONS: I mean, did you think about what might happen if you were killed? How badly that reflects on me? I put you at that desk for a reason so you wouldn't expose yourself as an immature, half-cocked jackass. But I was wrong.
KG: Chief Simmons, I'm sorry. I just wanted to show some initiative.
CHIEF SIMMONS: You want to show me some initiative? Clean up all the shit from the stalls.
KG: But I thought I was doing desk work.
CHIEF SIMMONS: Not anymore. I'm demoting you. You're now our bathroom attendant.
KG: You can't do this to me! I was part of the Jennings Detective Agency! That was huge!
CHIEF SIMMONS: But you're not anymore, so who cares? By the way, speaking of huge, you want to make sure you mop up all the vomit you see in the handicap stall. One of our men came down with a really bad stomach flu.
Beat.
KG: Couldn't you just beat me unconscious with your nightstick and pretend this never happened?
SCENE 27
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
KG looks visibly tired as he comes home that night. RK is watching TV when he sees KG stumble inside.
RK: Hey, it's the big time detective. Yo, big time, let me rap with you real quick about your big time lifestyle.
KG: You're lucky I'm in no condition to give you a big time ass whooping.
RK: Look, I get it. You've had a busy day. But KG, since you've been on the force for this long, I wanted to know what kind of cases you've got your hands on.
KG: Oh, well, you know, I'm in between cases right now. There's a lot of transition going on at the precinct.
RK: Right, but what cases have you worked on so far? What's your resumé look like right now?
KG: I mean, if you have to know, I had this one case come up with a guy who was tired of dinner being late. So, you see, he started beating his wife to ensure that dinner was no longer late and...now, dinner's not late anymore.
RK: That case sounds incomplete.
KG: YOU DON'T THINK I KNOW THAT IT SOUNDS INCOMPLETE?! THAT JOB'S INCOMPLETE, MY WHOLE MOTHERF***ING LIFE'S INCOMPLETE!
RK: Alright, man, calm down.
KG: No, you calm down. That job sucks. All I've been doing is taking calls, making copies, making coffee, and buying lunch. They don't want me out in the field busting heads, they want me cleaning them.
RK: You try taking initiative?
KG: Of course. They didn't want that either. Now, I'm the bathroom attendant. I just spent an hour trying to scrape dried shit off the toilet seat. I made a mistake because my glove ripped in the center and it got on my hand, so my hand started smelling, then after that...
RK: Yeah, I don't need to know what comes after that. Look, KG, if you don't like the job, just quit. Come back to the JDA.
KG: I can't quit now. How am I going to face Mr. Ansolabehere after I betrayed him? And all I'll do is drag you down, you have the agency all to yourself now.
RK: It's not working out, bro. I'm lost without you. The agency will always be a two-man job.
KG: That means a lot, kid. I'm sorry, RK, I was in over my head. I wanted all the glory, but I forgot to share it with you.
RK: It's okay. I knew I couldn't make it on my own, but I was just jealous because you got all the credit.
KG: Well, I'm paying for it now. Chief Simmons never wanted me as a detective. He just wanted to make me feel like I had something to do.
RK: Then you know what we need to do. We need to take down the cops and prove they gave you that job out of mercy.
KG: It could work, but where do we start?
RK: The precinct is our ace in the hole. You can get us in there and we can grab all the evidence we need.
KG: You want to go to war with the Seattle police department?
RK: Yeah, is that too much for you to deal with?
KG: No, I just wanted to make sure you were game. But I'm in, bro.
SCENE 28
("Living Proof" by Bad Meets Evil plays in the background)
Once again reformed, the Jennings Detective Agency is ready for their next case. The brothers put on their uniforms and get in RK's car to drive to the local precinct. KG gets inside and him and RK walk into the main office. With Chief Simmons gone, KG convinces the assistant chief to let him and his brother in. They lock the door from the inside and look for a drawer containing files related to KG. The files reveal incriminating evidence that KG was hired for show, and the plan was to break his spirit until he was no longer interested in detective work. KG is shocked and appalled, but RK reminds him that they need to go. The brothers leave the office with the files wrapped up in their trenchcoats and get back in the car, driving away as quickly as possible.
SCENE 29
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
The next day, the members of TSE are hanging out and eating ice cream.
SPARKY: Wait, let me get this straight. You guys stole files from the police department?
RK: You make it sound like we did a bad thing.
SPARKY: Because you did!
RK: Look, Sparko, they forced our hand. They were abusing KG over there. We had to prove they were acting unscrupulous.
WADE: I want to criticize you, but you just used one of my all-time favorite words so I'm torn.
JAYLYNN: Aren't you guys worried you're gonna get caught? If the police finds out you f***ed with them, they might give you the chair.
RK: It was worth it if it saved KG from being humiliated.
BUSTER: Why didn't he just quit if things got that bad?
RK: Buster, I don't have the time to answer questions like that. There's only so many hours in the day.
At that point, RK's phone rings.
RK: It's KG. *picks up phone* Hey bro, what's up?
KG (V.O.): Nothing much. Listen, when you get home, there's going to be a little surprise.
RK: Yeah, I'm already panicking. What happened?
KG (V.O.): Well, it turns out that bitch-ass assistant chief suspected we pulled something last night, so one thing led to another, Chief Simmons called in the reinforcements, and now, our house is surrounded by cops.
RK: WHAT?!
KG (V.O.): Yeah, I didn't let them in. I made sure not to let them in, but it's only a matter of time before they arrest me so if you don't see me when you get home, this is why.
RK: I can't believe this! Don't worry, KG, I have a plan. Do your friends know?
KG (V.O.): No, not yet. I was about to call them, make sure they had bail money prepared.
RK: Alright, don't call them. Leave that up to me and the guys. It's time for another RK Jennings signature moment.
RK hangs up.
SPARKY: I could call one of KG's friends if you want me to.
RK: Wait, you guys heard all that?
JAYLYNN: Yes. We're sitting right next to you.
Beat.
RK: WELL, LET'S GET TO IT THEN!
At that point, Sparky, Buster, Wade, and Jaylynn all pull out their phones.
SCENE 30
The Jennings Household
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
A crowd has formed near the Jennings house along with the large number of police cars. Chief Simmons is standing at the front of the crowd with a bullhorn.
CHIEF SIMMONS: Kevin, please come out with your hands up. You'll make it easier on yourself if you surrender now!
The members of TSE and KG's friends are sitting in the nearby bushes, peeping at the crowd.
DENISE: The nerve of these cops trying to arrest my sweetie. I'll kill them. I'll kill them all!
RODNEY: Denise, easy, easy.
SPARKY: I always imagined KG's girlfriend as sweeter.
BUSTER: Yeah, she's got some demons.
RK: Alright, everybody, remember the plan?
JAYLYNN: We brawl on the street like idiots, which will distract everybody and allow you to sneak in the house without the cops knowing?
RK: Beautiful. You get a gold star, Jaylynn.
JAYLYNN: Awesomesauce!
TREVOR: Hey, does anybody have any weed?
WADE: Why would we have weed, and why would you need weed?
TREVOR: We're fighting, man. I need to smoke first so I can loosen up and not think too hard about stuff.
RODNEY: Dude, I've known you for years. You don't need weed to think less.
TREVOR: Thanks, man.
BUSTER: And you guys think I'm an idiot.
DENISE: Come on, let's do this thing.
RK: Showtime, everybody. Make me proud.
A random brawl breaks out between the friends as RK continues hiding in the bushes. The guys go for anybody they can find as the fight spills out into the crowd, which causes fighting within the already existing crowd. With Chief Simmons and the cops needing to restore order, RK runs past everyone undetected and goes into the backyard. Cut to KG inside the house watching TV, when RK opens the back door.
KG: RK? How the hell did you make it?
RK: Long story. The point is, I'm here and I'm not letting those assholes take you to jail.
KG: I don't know how much leverage we have here, man.
RK: Dude, we still have the files. Once those people out there know how the cops treated you, we're untouchable.
KG: You're right. Think it might be time to "confess," if you know what I mean.
RK: I think? Unless...unless you're talking about something else?
KG: Just get the files.
RK: Copy that.
Cut to KG opening the front door.
KG: Attention everybody. Stop with the beatdowns. I'm ready to surrender to the law and be thrown in prison where I belong.
CHIEF SIMMONS: Alright, boys, let's...
RK: Not so fast, McNulty. Before you and your squad do anything, you should probably answer for these!
RK dramatically reveals the files. However, there is an awkward silence.
GUY: We don't know what those are!
RK: What you guys need to know is that the Seattle police department hired my brother as a detective, but it was all just a way to embarrass him. They had him type documents, take calls, and when he tried to help on a case, they made him clean the bathroom as punishment.
CHIEF SIMMONS: Hey, I was teaching that boy the meaning of knowing your place!
BAXTER: Really? Does that also involve blowing smoke in his face and slapping him up for not working fast enough?
There is a collective gasp as these events are revealed.
CHIEF SIMMONS: Alright, so I did those things. But I was acting within the badge!
BAXTER: No, chief, you dishonored the badge. That kid was looking for an opportunity, and you took advantage of that. Guys, I think we all know who deserves to be arrested today.
The crowd begins chanting "Lock Up Simmons!" as the chief is surrounded by the other angry cops. He forcibly gets in the police car and everybody cheers.
BAXTER: Kevin, we owe you and your brother a sincere apology. Some of us knew the kind of guy Chief Simmons was, but we didn't want to risk losing our jobs.
KG: Hey. At the end of the day, we all had to put up with his crap.
BAXTER: Well, we're going to need you to come down to the station for questioning. And if it means anything, once this is over, we would love to have you work a real detective job for us.
KG: Thanks. But nothing will ever be better than the Jennings Detective Agency.
BAXTER: I understand.
RK: Wait. There's one more thing I need to do.
RK takes the season three DVD of "The Jamie Foxx Show" and tosses it at Chief Simmons.
RK: Your taste sucks, McNulty!
CHIEF SIMMONS: IT'S SIMMONS!
RK: Ah, nobody cares.
Cut to black.
("Hard Piano" by Pusha T featuring Rick Ross plays over the end credits)
EPILOGUE
Fernando's Pizza
Seattle, Washington
The members of TSE, KG, Rodney, Trevor, and Denise are all eating pizza together.
RK: Damn, I missed the beauty of free pizza.
KG: I'm glad Mr. Ansolabehere let me have my job back. Feels like I'm back home, and I've been working here for less than a year.
SPARKY: So, what happened to Chief Simmons?
WADE: I think he might get some prison time. A lot of allegations are coming up against him.
DENISE: He deserves it. What a piece of shit he was.
JAYLYNN: How did we get from the squirrel virus to the police department going down?
TREVOR: Magic beans?
JAYLYNN: What?
TREVOR: Stop acting like you don't know. Hey, guys, you know what we should do? Let's order a pizza.
RODNEY: We're eating pizza right now!
TREVOR: We are? I thought this was a calzone.
KG: Trevor, never show up to my place of work blazed again.
TREVOR: Sure thing, Buster.
BUSTER: Sparky, why did he say my name?
SPARKY: Because when some kids are babies, their parents end up dropping them on their heads?
Buster shrugs and continues eating. Cut to black.
©2020 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS