A/N: This story is based on the television series, Star Trek: Voyager, which as far as I know is the property of Paramount Pictures. No infringement is intended. I also want to point out that this is the third story in my series of stories about Captain Janeway and the Doctor. The first story was Command Decisions and the second story was Doctor's Orders. If you haven't read those stories yet, I strongly suggest you read them first. This story, Surrender, will not make much sense unless you read the first and second stories in my J/D series. Thanks for stopping by. Happy reading.

Chapter 1: A Shoulder to Cry On

When Dr. Luke began spending so much time overseeing Captain Janeway's life, it was pretty annoying to her at first. However, the more time they spent together, the more she came to enjoy his constant presence in her life. She knew that he was only doing it because he was so concerned about her well-being, and she also knew that when he complained about how she never took proper care of herself, he was right. For the first time in a very long time, she had somebody looking after her and getting on her case to be good to herself, and frankly, it felt good. Really good. The more time they spent together, the closer they became. Now, Kathryn actually found herself looking forward to meals and holodeck time with Luke. Sure, he could be irritating and egotistical on the surface, but underneath all of that, he really was quite sensitive and endearing. And the night after her birthday party in the Mess Hall, she needed his more sensitive side.

It was five after eleven that night, and Kathryn was in Holodeck Two, running Luke's beach program. She had adjusted the time; it was now night and the moon and the stars lit the sky above her as she walked barefooted along the beach, allowing the waves to wash over her feet as she walked. She and Luke had gone jogging together on this holographic beach numerous times to fulfill the requirements of the exercise regimen he had personally designed for her. And during all of their jogging sessions together, they always talked and laughed and had so much fun. Luke always seemed to have that effect on her. No matter how hard of a day she'd had, spending time with him always lifted her spirits. Even now, in a time when she was so low, it was a comfort just to be in this setting, simply because it reminded her so much of Luke. Kathryn had been in there for about an hour already, and she continued walking the beach alone for several more minutes. Then the holodeck doors appeared, and Luke came in through the entrance.

"Hello, Captain," he said with a smile.

"Hello, Luke. What brings you in here this evening?"

"I couldn't sleep, so I thought I'd come to the holodeck and rehearse with Luisa, my holographic partner. I've got to keep my singing skills sharp for my opera recital next month. When I got here, I saw that you were running my beach program and I thought I'd come in and see what you were up to."

Kathryn shook her head and said, "I'm not doing anything important. I'll get out of here so you can rehearse with Luisa."

"Oh no, Captain. Please don't leave on my account. I much prefer your company over Luisa's. Divas like her are impossible to tolerate."

"Well, I doubt my company would be that much better. I'm not exactly at my best right now."

"I thought that something was wrong. You just didn't seem to be yourself at your birthday party this afternoon. You did a fine job of fooling everybody else with your Brave Captain Face, but over the past couple of months, I've learned to see beyond it. What is it, Captain? What's troubling you?"

"I'd rather not answer that," she told him as she began walking along the beach again, and he quickly fell into step alongside her.

"Why not?"

"Because answering that question would require me getting into some really personal stuff that I prefer to keep all nice and bottled up."

"You know it isn't healthy to bottle everything up all the time."

"I know; I know. It's just that…I'm the captain," she said, stopping dead in her tracks. Luke stopped walking as well, and he turned to face her. "I don't feel right about crying on a crewman's shoulder."

"We've been over this," he lovingly scolded her, and she smiled.

"I know."

"We're not just crewmen under your command that you are responsible for. We're your family out here. And because we're your family, it's perfectly okay for you to let us be there for you just as you are always there for us."

"I know."

"I realize it can be quite difficult to let someone in, even a friend you've known for years. Especially if you're the captain of a starship. I imagine you probably feel as though you have no choice but to be The Captain twenty-four-seven. But I want you to know that it's okay for you to let the people who care about you see you when you're feeling depressed or angry or vulnerable. No one will ever lose respect for you because of it. No one will think you're less of a captain if you let us see you when you're hurting."

"I know. You've told me this dozens of times before."

"And I'll keep saying it. I'll say it as many times as you need to hear it."

Kathryn put her hand on Luke's chest and smiled, and he smiled in return. She then said, "I really am glad you're here with me now. It makes me feel better to have you around."

After she brought her hand back down to her side, Luke said, "I'm very happy you feel that way, but we both know you're simply stalling." She knowingly laughed, and then he told her, "Out with it. What's bothering you?"

"You've told me many times over the past few months how much it hurt you when Seven began dating Commander Chakotay."

"Yes?"

"Well…let's just say that when those two got together, you weren't the only person who got hurt."

"Are you saying that…that you have feelings for Commander Chakotay?" Luke and a number of other crewmembers had suspected as much for a long time now, but no one ever actually came out and said anything.

"I've had feelings for him for years." There. Kathryn had said it. After all this time, she finally came out and said it.

"But you couldn't do anything about it because you're the captain," Luke said sympathetically. And his heart really did go out to her. He knew that as the captain, she truly was in a terrible position. Everybody on Voyager was free to find love except her.

"No," Kathryn sighed, and then both she and Luke resumed walking. "That was just an excuse. I've always used my rank as an excuse to keep my walls up." It was a stunning admission and Luke knew it. And he also knew that she was being brutally honest with herself.

"What is it precisely that you're so afraid of? What are you afraid will happen to you if you lower your walls and allow a man on your crew to get close?"

Kathryn let out a long sigh, and then she told him, "You know I lost my father and my first fiancé years ago in an accident on Tau Ceti Prime."

"I'm aware of that."

"Even though it was a long time ago, I never really recovered from that terrible experience. I never told you this during all our discussions about Ahni Jetal, but the truth is, even though you felt so guilty for choosing to save Harry Kim over her, I always admired you for having the courage to make a choice. At least one of them survived because you had the courage to choose someone. Both my father and Justin are dead today because I didn't have the courage you had. I hesitated. I couldn't make a choice. And because of my hesitation, I lost them both."

"My decision to save Harry Kim wasn't courage, Captain. It was favoritism. I chose to save Harry Kim over Ahni Jetal because I was closer to him than I was to her. End of story. Had I had to choose between Harry Kim and Tom Paris, we would have lost them both that day because I never would have been able to make a choice like that. And no one could ever possibly choose between saving their father and saving their fiancé, Captain. No one could ever be expected to make that kind of a choice."

"I know that logically. I know that in my head. Trouble is, no one's ever been able to get the message across to my heart. Even after all these years, I still feel responsible for their deaths. The weight of it is…absolutely crushing. And I always knew that if I allowed myself the luxury of having a relationship with Chakotay and something happened to him during our journey home, while he was an officer under my command, someone that I was personally responsible for…"

"You would blame yourself, just as you've always blamed yourself for the deaths of your father and your first fiancé. You would experience that same crushing, devastating pain all over again."

"Yes," Kathryn whispered. "Do you remember several years ago when Chakotay and I caught that terrible virus and you all had to leave us behind on that planet that shielded us from its effects?"

"Of course I do."

Again, Kathryn and Luke stopped walking, and she turned to face him. "We were alone together on that planet for six weeks, Luke. It took some time but I finally began to forget my rank, I finally began to lower my walls, and I started letting him in. We named that planet New Earth. It was paradise for us. It was so beautiful. So perfect. By the time you all came back with the Vidiian medicine to cure us, part of me was actually heartbroken that you'd returned. Had you not come back for us, I would've completely surrendered to what was happening between me and Chakotay. I would've been overjoyed to spend the rest of my life in that perfect paradise with Chakotay by my side. But after returning to Voyager, there was no way we could keep tossing rank aside the way we did on that planet. Correction. There was no way I could keep tossing rank aside. If I did that, if I let Chakotay in like I desperately wanted to, I knew I would run the risk of…"

"Of repeating what you went through on Tau Ceti Prime."

"Exactly. For a long time after that experience with Chakotay, I kept trying to cling to that faint hope that I would be able to be with him after we finally got home and he was no longer serving under my command. Even though I knew that it was an impossible dream, that there was never any real chance of it actually coming true, I just couldn't bring myself fully let go of it. I never actually expected Chakotay to wait all this time for me, and I certainly don't hold it against him for starting a relationship with Seven. He had every right to move on. But it still hurt to see the two of them so happy together at my birthday party today. It still hurts to lose the dream."

"Believe me, I know exactly how you feel. The one thing that once made their relationship so painful for me is the fact that I had no one to blame for it but myself. I had hundreds of opportunities to make my true feelings known to Seven in the years before she began dating Commander Chakotay, but I kept everything to myself. I didn't say a word. For a long time, I really was haunted by the question, 'Could I be with Seven today had I told her the truth sooner?' I imagine you're going through something similar."

"Very similar."

"I know it's probably much harder on you, though. You lost your first fiancé on Tau Ceti Prime. You lost your second fiancé when we got hurled through space into the Delta Quadrant. And now, to add insult to injury, you've lost Commander Chakotay. And life in the Delta Quadrant certainly hasn't been a bed of roses. Life's been terribly cruel to you, Captain, and that's an understatement."

"I'm not looking for pity, Luke."

"I don't pity you, Captain. On the contrary, I…I'm blown away by you. As is every other member of your crew. When I put myself in your place and I start to really think about everything you've endured throughout your life, especially over the past eight years in the Delta Quadrant, I am astounded by your strength and courage and perseverance. You're an extraordinary woman, Kathryn Janeway."

"Thank you," she whispered, fighting off tears.

"It's true. I wish there was something I could do to help ease the pain you're feeling. For what it's worth, I want you to know that I would make all your pain vanish in a heartbeat if I could."

"I know you would," Kathryn said softly with a half-smile. "But I don't expect you to solve my problems for me, and I don't expect you to have all the answers. It just feels good to know how much you care. Even though I wanted to avoid it, I think I really did need a shoulder to cry on."

"My shoulder's always here for you, Captain. You know that."

"I know," said Kathryn, and then she gave Luke a big hug. "Thanks for being there for me tonight."

When the embrace ended, Luke told her, "I was more than happy to do it. I just hope I made you feel a little better somehow."

"Oh, you did. Believe me, you did."

"I'm glad."

"Well, now that all that's out of the way, I'll say goodnight and get out of your hair."

"You are never 'in my hair,' Captain. I don't have any hair for you to be in," Luke joked, and Kathryn laughed.

"Still, though, I know you want to get to your rehearsal. You don't want to keep Luisa waiting."

"Oh, let her stay in the memory buffer a while longer," said Luke with a dismissive wave of his hand. "She'll be fine."

Kathryn laughed again and said, "No, I'd better get to bed. I've got a lot of work to catch up on tomorrow."

"Of course. Sleep well, Captain."

"I will. And you have fun with Luisa."

"Right," said Luke as he rolled his eyes.

Kathryn chuckled a bit at that, and then she left the holodeck and went back to her quarters to get some sleep.