[Intro Theme]
Announcer: These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Her ongoing mission: to explore new worlds and civilizations. To boldly go where no one has gone before.
The starship Enterprise slowly crawls across the screen. Sounds of phasers firing ring out. The camera pans out to show two TIE Fighters pursuing the damaged ship.
Kirk: Mr Sulu! How are our shields?
Sulu: 17% and falling sir, we're almost done for!
Kirk: Wait, we can take refuge on that small moon over there
Kirk points to a small gray planetoid
Sulu: That's no moon, sir, I believe it is a space station!
Spock: I feel a disturbance in the logic
The camera cuts to the inside of a large throne room. A cloaked figure sits upon it. A man dressed in gray robes enters the opposite side of the room and kneels.
Figure: Supreme Leader, we have reports of a rogue ship in the Kardashian system
The figure takes off his hood to reveal Harry Potter
Harry: Gandalf, scramble our fleet. We must protect Narnia at all costs!
Gandalf: I will see to it immediately
The camera cuts back to the cockpit of the Enterprise. Crew members are running about wildly and frantically working at their stations.
Kirk: Mr. Sulu, get us out of here!
Sulu: I can't sir, they appear to have locked us in some sort of tractor beam!
Spock: God help us all
Checkov: This is probably a bad time, but now I'm going to talk to you about my sponsor: RAID: Shadow Legends!
Everyone (collectively): AHHHHH!
A shadow falls across the Enterprise as it is slowly pulled into one of the space station's docking bays. The ship comes down with a small chunk. Hundreds of soldiers in white armor begin boarding the ship, dragging out everyone into the bay. Gandalf walks out of a corridor and stands before the Enterprise's gathered crew.
Gandalf: Now which one of you is the captain
Kirk (Standing to his feet): Me. I am in command of the Enterprise
Gandalf shoots Kirk in the head with his silenced pistol
Gandalf: Anyone else?
Ohura: That doesn't make any sens-
Gandalf shoots her in the head as well.
Gandalf: Anyone else?
Spock: No. We're good here.
Gandalf: Good. Troopers, take them to the prison level
Trooper: Sir, we don't have enough room for all of them
Gandalf: Make room then
Trooper: So you want us to pack them in like sardines?
Gandalf: Yes.
Trooper: I was joking. How are we going to-
Gandalf slams his staff into the ground. His voice becomes deeper and his eyes are filled with flames
Gandalf: You graduated from Hogwarts, did you not?
Trooper: Yes…
Gandalf: Use your fucking magic then!
The camera cuts to a shot of the crew of the Enterprise jammed into a small, cubic cell
Trooper: Wow, they actually fit
Trooper 2: I know, and we barely had to use any magika in doing so
Trooper: Well, it's better than the time we had to imprison that guy, what was his name, Danny Pajama?
Trooper 2: Danny Phantom
Trooper: Yeah! That bastard! Fucker kept going through the floor. We had to call in an exorcist.
Trooper 2: You know who you should have called?
Trooper: Who?
The screen cuts to black followed by several screams
Announcer: Meanwhile, in the kingdom of Narnia
The camera pans out to show a massive castle. Guards wearing power armor and holding lightsabers patrol the outside walls while more watch from several sentry towers. The camera then zooms in on a window and enters a war room where Harry Potter is sitting in front of a large map. He pushes a large, ball shaped figure across it.
Harry: The Death Star has been unleashed. Soon the entire universe will fear me!
A man in old fashioned colonel uniform standing across the table from Harry warily eyes the other side, where several figurines depict federation ships.
Colonel: Sir, Joakim could still pose a threat to us. His troops are some of the best in the galaxy, and if he decides to side with the Federation, we could suffer losses
Harry: Shut up Colonel Sanders! The solution here is simple. You are going to take your fleet and crush Joakim before he can decide to attack us!
Colonel Sanders: But sir, his main force is currently in Russia.
Harry: So?
Colonel Sanders: It is currently winter…
Harry: I don't care! Attack it anyways! Leave now, before I start force joking your white ass!
The camera shows the orange gridline of LA. The camera pans up to show a 747 touching down. A muscular man with white hair and strange, glowing eyes grips his armrests.
Salesman: You don't like flying do you?
The white haired man slowly looks up at the man who has approached him. He grips the armrests harder in exaggerated fear.
Geralt: What gave you that idea?
Salesman (smiling): Ya wanna know the secret of successful air travel? After you get where you're going, ya take off your shoes and socks. Then ya walk around on the rug barefoot and make fists with your toes.
Geralt: Fists with your toes.
Salesman: Maybe it's not a fist when it's with your toes… I mean like this… work out that time zone tension. Better'n a cup of coffee and a hot shower for the old jet lag. I know it sounds crazy. Trust me. I've been doing it for nine years.
The plane stops and the passengers begin to rise. Geralt opens up the overhead travel compartment and removes his sheathed swords. He sees the man's scared look and points to a symbol on his armor.
Geralt: It's okay. I'm a witcher.
The camera cuts back to Spock, Sulu, Checkov, and Mcoy sneaking out of the jammed room. They quietly sneak into an air duct and begin crawling towards freedom, but Spock is skeptical.
Spock: I find the chances of our escape to be about 65000 to 1
Sulu: Never tell me the odds!
The camera cuts to the outside of the Death Star as the theme plays and the credits roll. This marks the end of Star Trek 2009: Episode 1.