WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY OF THE FOLLOWING FOR YOU CAN NOT UNREAD IT.
Chapter 1: Shut Up Whore
A long time ago in a galaxy far far away fuck that…. Don't taste the forbidden. He is not crazy which is weird because he tapes coconuts to his head and screams out turkey every chance he gets.
If you had to kill your own friend to save your own life would you do it? Also what is your favorite color?
I just learned last week that my entire family was hit by one enormous car. Head them off at the pass, unless your head falls off. Stick shift is for my cookie dough ice cream. Higgins was a total asshole to Tommy but at least the two of them could enjoy long afternoons anally raping Riley. I gave myself an enema using the neighbor's hose.
Oh please not that!
Kill me now please. Oh, and could you close the door on your way out. Wowwww, I just touched my breasts and realize they need creaming. Also I am deeply annoyed to find out that the poopoo platter at China Palace doesn't contain real poo poo.
"You'll pay for this you customer, you!" said the cashier to the dumbfounded customer who pooped his pants.
Tutastcan Manilus Pomilaisss.
"God bless you!" responded the horny squirrel.
"Fuck, shit, cock, slut, your children ate my arm!" cried out Robert to Deborah. In response Deborah milked him like a chicken. "Thank you, however that's too much jurisdiction for my balls."
He spent his life in a small glass bubble underneath an oak tree and wishing he was a gumdrop. I on the other took a dog crapping and used it to make a fresh poop shake.
I had four sex changes in a row, that was fun but now I'm confused… and dead sexy.
Chapter 2: Elvis and Jesus atre having this awesome convo!
Elvis itched his ass and said "My god man why would you do that?!"
"Well, I had taken a lot of drugs. I was confused" said Jesus.
Elvis didn't like the response. "So that doesn't explain why you killed mommy."
"Someone framed me!" exclaimed Jesus.
"Oh, okay" replied Elvis. Obviously the mountain of forensic evidence was suddenly invalid.
Suddenly this other special black dude appeared. "I'm special" said the Messiah. "I love me."
"Fine I agree to that bitch!" Screamed Jesus, heavily intoxicated, who then leaped out the window and flew away. Onlookers said it was a miracle except for this one really old dude who was not impressed AT ALL!
Both Jesus and Elvis decided to hug each other and write hippie music.
Chapter 3: Chapters Suck
Once upon a time there was a big blue man with a handkerchief. And then the handkerchief exploded. However the universe then imploded. It took like five seconds and everyone died. And there was great rejoicing. The grass was green and the survivors made gay while the sun shone.
July 4, 2008. Death Approximately 9pm. The police say the victim; Bob Jordon, tripped over a cat, accidently stabbed himself in the temple with a spoon, and overturned a poison punch bowl. Mittens, the cat in question, hasn't been since breakfast this morning and is wanted for questioning concerning the murder of Jordon.
Extreme FiverTM: The one cereal that will certainly clear out all your internal organs in your next bowl movement directly out your anus and leave you wishing you hadn't eaten it.
Chapter 4: Romantic Zombie Saga
"Good day Lord Thomas. Might I be prone to have a good kiss on the cheek this morning?" asked the passing woman that obviously had known Lord Thomas from several sexual encounters.
Thomas lay still on the ground. However he was now a zombie and could totally kill her at any moment by sucking out her brains.
The woman giggled and bent down to place her rosy red cheek, not from her hinny, in front of Lord Thomas's putrid lips. "Come know me lord give me pretty cheek a k…" she gasped as she noticed the hideous amount of drool coming out of Thomas's mouth. "Um… you look pretty… o so pretty… and witty… and gay, in a happy way" she said all in one long line of lies. ALL LIES! She was such a liar! OMG! She was totally going to hell! But first she was going to swing by the dry cleaners and pick up some shirts that were ready.
After watching the woman go to hell the zombie Lord Thomas got up and went to the potty. He accidently fell into the potty hole and was never heard from again. Except for like this one time this guy was relieving himself after a long day at work, and then he heard his belly grumbling but when he thought about it he realized it wasn't his belly but a zombie.
The zombie came out of the toilet and saw it's shadow meaning that there would be 40 more days and 40 more nights of winter (not religious).
Chapter 5: X marks the mark
My foot is like dirty pussy to tree. A door never shovels even though a beaver might bounce off it's curtains.
Leonardo, a mutant ninja turtle, had been going through years of rehab and was showing no signs of improvement. His drinking was only getting worse. It made him tense, often times recklessly angry. One afternoon he stormed onto set blisteringly drunk, raped April, and peed all over the props and costumes. Swiftly he was fired from the show. This was followed by a lawsuit from April and her family.
The dragon blade was a powerful and ancient weapon to be feared and respected by all mortals and immortals alike. Hayabusa, a awesome shinobi ninja, was currently in charge of protecting the sword. One day he was hunting breakfast when he decided to stab a deer to death. He did it in slow motion.
The deep dark truth of darkness is darkly truthful as far as deep dark truth go. Of course you could pull out the Declaration of Independence and shove it up my ass, but then you'd be left with two dead rodents and a tube of trident toothpaste. I bet the holy lord Jupiter will summon me for his afternoon spooning.
Anyway the kitchen done explodeded because of a stupid chef hired by a butcher, who was instructed by a genie, who was found on a mountain by a monk, who was enlisted by the butcher, who found a scone for the emperor of Candy Land, who used to work in a zoo owned by a private detective, who liked to move furniture for his brother Joey, Who had a show based off of him named Bill, who wrote a song about a guy on a bike, who was biking around a lot for his loveliest love Rebecca, who swallowed a whale… which is totally irrelevant to the fact that the butcher was told to hire the chef by the cat (apparently).
You have dishonored my family with your ethnic offhand comment. I will forever now not know knowing what now I know I know about knowing what your predisposition towards knowing what I don't know you know I know I don't know now. IS THAT UNDERSTOOD!?
I want to use a magic carpet to get to Asia so that I can buy a Totoro. Then mummy will get better. "Won't she Tommy!? Won't She!?" asked Mike grabbing Tommy by the shoulders. Tommy farted ALL OVER THE PLACE and then exploded.
"Who's been looking for my favorite scarf!?" screamed the balding turkey. "Get me my god damn scarf!" A man came over to the turkey holding a grenade launcher and singing the abc's. This man explained that he wanted his very own tities. Maybe one day he might even become Bubbles the gay ninja who carried around poop in his knapsack.
Loud and obnoxious the ninja formed 69 crayons in the palm of his hand. He farted on them and they turned into bubble gum. A girl close by named Lola loved bubble gum and as a result sucked the ninja sideways till Tuesday. The ninja became extinct. Plastic cones outlined his gave because nobody liked him enough to buy him a tombstone.
"Officer Space Dumpling reporting as ordered." She was talking to a wall; A very large wall.
The dog left the room in a panic because his head had been somewhat chopped completely off. Thomas looked at the panicking dog. "Hold on, I can help." He looked at his but and pulled out a squirrel. He put a top hat on the squirrel and handed it to the lifeless body of the dog surrounded by a pool of blood. "Here you go… Forgive me for asking, but are you a bitch?"
If the Earth were flat then people would have fucked up houses on the edges.
1000 years ago the great Real Tiger jumped off a very tall temple wall. He did so in response to the news that his arch rival King Habuboo had been tea bagged by his sister Tasha. According to Habuboo "she felt like the currents of the ocean." At this the great Realm Tiger was enraged and tickled Habuboo… TO DEATH!
Chapter 6: Man interrupts ex-girlfriend and her date
- I think you gave me crabs
- We haven't dated in over a year
- Man date leaves with retarded expression
- Ex swears at main man who sits down at table
- awesome that worked, I don't have crabs I just wanted that douche to leave so we could have some alone time
- I don't want alone time with you
- Ok, jesus, straight to the point. Im having a dry spell, lets fuck…
- Ohhhh, me too sweetheart..
- Really?
- NOOOO! Fuck off and die! (splash coffee in his face)
- (yells)
- (gets up) Suck your own dick and choke on it!
- (cougar leans over as main guy washes himself off) Hey there, How do you feel about hot sex with a cougar?
- (thinks very hardly) Well the fangs would hurt …. Are you talking… about you though?
- (-_- expression)
- You are aren't you?! Hmmm (leans over and feels her breasts) Not bad, not bad… (looks at face) it has been a long dry spell… hmmm how do you feel about paper bags?
- (angry) (splashes a 2nd cup of coffee in face)
- (more screaming)
Chapter 7. X-Ray Technician Accidentally Causes Traffic Jam at Busy Intersection Using Power to Instantly Recreate Any Viral Video
"Don't be a little bitch. Fear makes ya blind. Fear is like getting a cap in yo ass. Stand up to dat shit. Make FEAR yo bitch. Fuck dat bitch and look at yo handy work afterwards. Aint gona be no fear. Only gona be you dawg."
– J.K. T Dawg Kumington Auto Bull Snip-Snapps III Jr.
Bruce Lee actually enters a dragon.
2001 Explained - John is an old guy sleeping in a bed worshiping a strange black rectangle made out of dark industrial strength plastic.
Alt. Ending for Lord of the Rings: Return of the King – Instead of ending with the 40 minute epilogue we get an extra 30 minutes detailing Sam's new life, marriage, two children. Then suddenly he's all alone in this really clean well lit room. He's much older and in bed. There's a strange black rectangle made out of dark industrial strength plastic standing at the foot of his bed. It sounds like a lot of people stubbing their toes in slow motion… two gophers appear and shoot Sam with lasers attached to their heads.
Real Ending for Star Wars episode VI – Han and Lia watch with the Ewoks as the Death Star explodes. The resulting explosion causes a sonic shock wave that aggravates a nearby sun and causes it to go super nova. Queue classic Star Wars theme… oh wait a sec…
Please refrain from eating the following sandwiches… glass and shrapnel burger with mayo, baby seal, raw fish guts with explosive diarrhea sauce, black hole sandwich, sandpaper sandwich, birthday cake pie sandwich, and a sandwich with no physical substance only existing for an infinitely small amount of time.
If looking for fun alternative State Execution Options please consider… having people beaten to death by little girls, or beaten to death by little people (my apologies Midgets), of course you can also have them beaten to death by postal workers or the President of the United States. We can use them as crash test dummies? Perform extreme patty cake with another inmate; to the death. Poop on their face and cause suffocation from the defecation. Easiest option is just to put them in a box and throw them in a lake.
A reminder about things one should not masturbate to… other people who are important, two gophers having a wedding, Date Line's "To Catch A Predator", Pregnancy Porn where the guy delivers the baby using just his penis, Food in china town that you can't identify, The abominable snow man using a push mower, The echo of your own name in a tunnel, Reverse chronology, The prize inside a cracker jack box, Popular catch phrases of the 70's, Video tape of yourself masturbating, open caskets, Picture of a nice pair of breasts... magnified to the 10X14^345929 power, A gopher that has a universal remote cyberneticly constructed in its backside and has been taught to come to your hand when threatened with tax evasion, The Golden Girls, A bathroom with excellent feng shui, Excessive gum chewing, A cardboard box full of puppies, a pictorial representation of pi, using dynamite to fish, and not stopping at a red light.
Chapter 8. The Danger of Santa Clause
Christmas is bad for kids. Well, not so much the holiday. The holiday is great if you're teaching things like the value of giving. That's where Santa comes in. If you celebrate Christmas keep Santa out of the picture. He's a horrible influence on today's youth.
Santa will do a lot of petty things. He will break into your home, eat and drink any food you happen to leave out, and fill stockings with coal. Often times he will steal expensive presents and replace them with clothing. Don't be surprised if you find your expensive present you were wishing for all year listed the next day on eBay.
This leads into Santa Clause's enormous criminal record. Every year Santa is charged with roughly 2,275,000,000 (over 2 billion) acts of breaking and entering. Remarkably he has never been caught by any authorities in any country. The CIA believes Santa may have a large sweat shop located somewhere in Antarctica. Santa's claim to any land in Antarctica is in direct violation to the Antarctic Treaty of 1961 which is recognized by most countries around the world.
Never mind the numerous laws Santa has broken all you need to tell your children is that Santa is sadistic, mean spirited, a bigot, and a con artist. He is notorious to the World Wildlife Foundation and other animal rights organizations around the world for his treatment towards reindeer. It is widely known that Santa enslaves these beautiful animals and uses them for crude transportation AROUND THE ENTIRE WORLD! Santa is single handedly linked to the near endangerment of the reindeer population. Every year the number of reindeer fatalities linked to falling to their death off of households and skyscrapers ranges in the millions.
Santa's crimes against humanity don't end here. Recently rumors have come out about a possible links between Santa Clause and several obsessive governments around the world. This news was brought to light by the song Santa Clause is Coming to Town. In the song Barry Manilow describes Santa Clause as having ties to a big-brother-like government in which Santa, big brother, is watching over all our households and knows personal details about our lives. In addition Santa has inspired countless con artists to dress up and collect money for fictitious charities as well as pose for overpriced photos in shopping centers.
As is true with Santa's strange fixation on torturing reindeer Santa is also known to only target Christian and Atheist households. While the other 55% of the world population can take solace in this fact the other 45% of us should fortify our homes next Christmas and protect our children from the sadistic criminal dressed in a crimson red suit.
Happy Holidays and please be safe.
Chapter 9. World Peace Explained
The puppy tilted his head and batted it's eyes innocently
There was something odd about the dog,
something I didn't quite like.
Suddenly the puppy exploded.
There was a viscous sanguine to the air.
I saw a fucking rainbow.
I followed the rainbow to a pot of gold.
It was $75,000 in diamonds instead, but I'm not going to complain.
I bought a gun…
I also bought a play station 3.
probably shouldn't play first person shooters with a real gun.
Last night a met a super model.
She wanted to be my hot lover…
…she was a he…
I hate my life.
Money can buy happiness.
awesome.
I bought a house,
a car,
a mail order bride,
a cheap sofa,
a car,
and a puppy.
I called the puppy… don't fucking explode
Chapter 10. The Moneky Leper Fudge Cake
To know you knew what they didn't know they thought they knew you knew is manipulative or clumsy.
And so, they road off into the horizon in a vertical manner.
I ate during my break, FAST
Some people get knifed while others spoon while still others give no forks whatsoever.
Often when we defeat an enemy we defeat ourselves and our friends. Peace is the only true victory, and that is tougher.
Parachutes and flippers are some of the worst possible attire to wear during a hurricane.
If the world were flat, people would have fucked up houses on the edges.
It's easy to get stuck in tunnel vision; caught in our own pipe dreams. Sometimes we forget we can call a plumber...
Twice upon a time a tempestuous time traveler named Tina T. Thatcher typed "Tiger's Toe Tiles", in Tempest font, onto a Templar's teleprompter making Timon's, the Templar, task a total tribulation.. take that for a tough tongue twister test!
Subtlety; it's like cutting a piece of paper with a chainsaw.
I'm going to start rolling my eyes twice in the morning to create the infinity symbol that way there's implied bewilderment with everything I might possibly hear or read that day.
The Jedi used the force equivalent to energy required to move the weight of the object forward.
Love that yellow rat pokemon, but it creepy... when you're not looking it peek-at-you.
I'll take theoretical physics with my morning coffee.
It's irrational that getting even can feel so odd.
When you love someone like you love your favorite food.
My doorbell makes a loud buzzing noise. Figured it's broken.
Knock' Knock'
yes…
Excuse me, but why'd the chicken cross the road?
Cause that's what she said.
How would you know?
How wouldn't I know?
I'm just gona go ahead and knock on the door again…
Pull my finger instead?
SLAM!
…
Thought you were gona open up to me
"I think deep down inside you have repressed sexual desires for Dugtrio. All women who still like Poke Mon at you age like the giant penis monster that sticks out of the ground. And with Dugtrio there's three of them. Why wouldn't you want to fuck them?"
Girl: Does this dress make my ass look big?
GREAT Responses
Take it off so I have a reference.
OR, I'm blind. I'd be willing to use my hands though.
Chapter Go fuck yourself: BEST Knock Knock Joke
"Knock knock"
...
"Knock Knock"
... I don't ask who's there. Asking who is there could cost me my life. Everyone who thinks they know me only sees the sophisticated gentleman with a steady paycheck and clean shaven persona… but underneath all those clever lies I made up there's just pure paranoia.
I look for a weapon. ANYTHING WILL DO! I find… a flyswatter lying next to a shotgun… I pick up the flyswatter because, while the shotgun is a more effective weapon, the shotgun also has grape soda spilled all over its handle. Secretly I also suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder - obsessive compulsive disorder - obsessive compulsive disorder – and just CAN'T DEAL with sticky situations.
With my skill of movement I run around a couch and open a window. I jump out the window trying to perform something akin to parkour. My attempt is met with my face on the ground outside the window. BUT I'M UP IN ONE HELL OF A FUCKING SECOND! OMGOSH!
I run around the side of the house at 90 miles per hour and ready the flyswatter in a deadly Jedi fencing pose.
"NO SOLICITING!" I yell at whatever or whomever it is outside my motherfucking door making those obnoxious yet courteous knocking noises.
Then I see it. Lying on the ground, quietly minding its own business is a banana.
I sigh. For some reason I am relieved it is not an orange.
THE END?