Episode One: Not the Favourites
House parties were always the best. Sometimes you wouldn't even know whose party it was and no one cared. As long as the music was loud and the people were rowdy. For some reason this party was not the distraction Rayanne Graff had hoped. For one thing, she was doing her best to resist the alcohol that was undoubtedly available. Not drinking meant not being drunk, which meant this party was just a hot, crowded house full of stupid kids doing stupid things. She wondered if no buzz meant she was doomed to regret coming at all.
Rayanne had been there at least an hour and had barely caught sight of any of her friends. After a third idiot boy rammed into her, knocking her bag to the floor, without any sign of an apology she decided she had had enough. With much effort she pushed her way to the back door and found relief in the cool spring air. It was cold enough that the party-goers hadn't yet spilled into the backyard.
Rayanne was really wanting a drink. Her fingers twirled the "30 day" chip unseen in her jacket pocket. It was a reminder of how far she'd come. It was import to her even if her friends didn't know and even if that meant leaving a party early.
A rustling sound brought Rayanne out of her reverie and she realized she wasn't alone after all. Past the patio was an in-ground swimming pool, one of those old style cement ones. Perched on the stationary diving board was Brian Krakow. This was unexpected for two reasons. First because it was April and the pool was empty and second, Brian was not known for attending parties of any kind. Rayanne watched him for a moment not knowing whether to approach him or just leave without even bothering.
It didn't appear as though he'd seen her come outside. He sat with his feet dangling over the platform, his eyes fixed on the bottom of the pool. Brian was by no means her favourite person, but so far her night had been a bust. Slowly, as if possessed, she walked up to him and sat cross-legged beside the diving board depositing her large, patchwork boho bag on the grass.
"Hey," she greeted him quietly as if not to startle him. Brian remained transfixed to the bottom of the pool. Now that she was closer, Rayanne noticed his face was flush and his eyes and nose were red. "Damn," she thought, "he's been crying." They weren't exactly friends and she suddenly felt like maybe this was none of her business.
She moved to leave before things got any more awkward. As she stood to collect her things she heard him mutter something. "What was that, Krakow?" she asked, hoping it was nothing important.
"Do you ever think people would notice if you were just, like, gone?" he said with the slightest tremble in his voice. "Oh shit," she cursed internally, "I should have gone out the front door."
Rayanne crouched down again to be more at his level. From his words he could have been having a go at her, however it felt like this rhetorical question was more self directed. She sighed and took a moment to gauge the best answer. Normally, she would dismiss him with a sarcastic or hurtful remark, but something about his tone made her feel uneasy.
Her mind shot back to Halloween in the electrical room in the school basement. She had needed him to keep her calm in the dark when they found themselves locked in for the night. Maybe this was her chance to return the favour.
"Me?" she replied. "Even if anyone noticed I was gone I don't know that anyone would, like, care." It was hard to admit, but it was how she felt and honesty was what he deserved right now. Sadly, she wasn't sure he registered her words. He was still staring into the abyss of the cement pool. The light was fading and although they could hear the music and the party raging on inside the house they seemed quite completely alone. "You on the other hand," she added, "everyone would miss you."
Brian furrowed his brow under his blond curls. "Sure, the bullies would miss my lunch money and the teachers would miss having someone in class who always has the right answer," he retorted in almost a whisper. Rayanne, for once, didn't know what to say. The guy could be right. He probably came to this party hoping to make a connection, or get out of his comfort zone. But here he was...sitting alone, out in the cold and soon to be dark.
Brian shifted and pulled his knees up so he could hug his legs. She wasn't sure if he was starting to feel the cold or was trying to, in a way, pull away from her without leaving the diving board.
"I saw her," he said, "with him. Like I should be surprised. Like it's some sort of shock to see them together at a party." His voice was quiet and pained. Rayanne knew exactly who he was talking about. Angela and Jordan. She had seen them too, briefly. She saw them making out in a corner and then later making their way up the stairs... "Oh shit," she thought again.
It seemed like everyone now knew about Brian's feelings for Angela. That it wasn't just a silly crush. That he didn't do her favours and bend over backwards for her out of some school boy infatuation. He had in fact been in love with her. A more real love than anyone would have believed him capable. Brian was always such a social disaster and said what was on his mind; without a filter at times. He was who he was and wasn't apologetic about it. In a lot of ways he was like Rayanne and she respected him for it. But he still was not one of her favourite people.
To be honest, Angela Chase was not one of Rayanne's favourite people these days either. How many times can a girl say that she's sorry? At some point it starts to lose all meaning. Angela had forgiven the boy she yearned for without much hesitation, but the former best friend had been left out in cold. Tonight this fact felt quite literal for both herself and Brian.
A chill ran though Rayanne as she moved closer to Brian. Almost without thinking she inserted her arm between the boy's legs and chest and held him in a make-shift hug, resting her head at his side. Rayanne was never shy with her affection when it came to embracing friends, family or a guy she was fooling around with, but this was different. No one ever hugged Brian. She wasn't even sure his parents did. She half expected him to pull away, or push her aside. So she was pleasantly surprised when he relented.
It was as though all tension eased from his body. After a moment Brian let his legs drop and he moved to return the hug. Rayanne stayed turned away, looking to the back fence as though making eye contact now would break the spell. Her head was now on his left shoulder, which shook as he let out a few soft sobs. Her hand moved, as if on its own, to stroke his hair to try to comfort him. She wasn't great with trauma, but couldn't bring herself to leave him there.
They sat there for a short while, Rayanne wasn't sure how much time had passed. When Brian seemed to have quieted so she took a chance and looked at him. In the low light it was difficult to get a good read on his features. "Feel any better?" she asked sincerely. He shook his head. She could tell he didn't really want to talk about it. Knowing him, he was probably embarrassed about what had just happened.
"Do you wanna get out of here?" She asked playfully arching a brow.
Brian wiped his eyes and the smallest hint of a smile touched his lips. "Sure," he whispered. "Where should we go?" he asked furrowing his brow again.
"Anywhere but here is fine by me," she giggled and gave him a wink. Together they stood up and Brian carefully moved off the diving board. They made their way to the back gate and let themselves out without having to go back through the house and the party. Brian informed his newfound companion that he had his car, it was parked on the next block over.
Rayanne thought to herself about where they should go. She twirled the chip in her pocket again and smiled. "I know a place with coffee and cookies and good people. You know, if you're like interested?" she offered.
Brian nodded and unlocked the car. Rayanne threw her bag in the back and settled in the passenger seat. Without thinking she leaned over and kissed his cheek quickly. Brian stopped for a beat and stared at her. It didn't seem to him that she even realized she'd done it. He shrugged and started the car. As they drove down the street and away from the party Brian thought to himself, "Maybe no one would notice if either of us were gone, but at least we could be gone together."
...
Charlotte Cooper sat at the back of the small, mostly taupe coloured room. Several rows of folding chairs filled the space. She glanced at her watch again. It was almost 9:30pm; almost time to go home. Several people had already shared their stories and struggles from the past month, week, day, or year. AA meetings could be dull in their repetitive nature, but they were also a comfort.
The petit blond shifted and pulled a foot up under her thigh. She had hoped that her new sponsee would join her tonight. It was a big ask for a sixteen year old on a Friday night. But then, as if on cue, Rayanne quietly entered the room and maneuvered into the seat next to her. Tagging along just behind her was a tall, lanky boy Charlotte had never seen before.
"Hey Charlie," Rayanne greeted her friend with a coy smile. "This is Brian," she said gesturing to the mop-haired boy with the flushed face now sitting next to her. Charlotte gave a small wave. Rayanne turned to the boy then and added, "Brian this is Charlotte. I call her Charlie, which she kinda hates. She's my sponsor. I hope this is cool with you?"
Brian was caught between listening to the introductions and to the man at the front of the room who was admitting how he used to need a drink before he could muster the effort to take his kids to school in the morning. Hmmm, drinking and then driving your children to school? Brian was glad this man was at the meeting. He turned his attention back to Rayanne. "Sure, of course. Whatever," was all he managed.
Surely this was not what he had been expecting when Rayanne Graff had asked him to go somewhere. "Somewhere" for her was assumed to be exciting, elicit and maybe even dangerous. This warm, welcoming room of sober strangers was not on his list of her places to be and be seen. Brian suddenly felt like she had let him in on a secret. Like somehow bringing him here meant something.
He looked over to her then and smiled. She must have felt him looking at her because she turned and smiled back. For the first time that night he looked her over. He noticed that her light brown hair was neatly pulled back, absent of the usual coloured streaks and frantic mixture of erratic braids, knots and twists. Even her jewelry and clothes were down-played. Not that Rayanne was someone he'd admit to noticing, but she made it her sole purpose in life to be noticed by everyone. Tonight she looked practically normal. It was hard to believe they'd just come from a party.
When the meeting was over, Brian sat alone while Rayanne and Charlotte moved to the refreshments table. They were chatting about something private and he felt it wasn't his place to follow. When they returned to their seats Rayanne offered him a large cookie and a cup of what looked like watered-down coffee. He took the cookie, but declined the coffee. He couldn't drink it no matter how watered down it might be due to his constant battle with indigestion. Rayanne shrugged and got him a cup of water instead. It was a small thing, but Brian noticed.
"So Brian, Rayanne tells me you two go to school together. It's funny that she's never mentioned you before. There have been stories about Angela, Rickie, Sharon, and Tino...so many stories about that Tino guy. Is there some reason she's been hiding you?" asked Charlotte teasingly.
"Actually, we aren't really friends." Brian replied very deadpan. "We were just commiserating over an issue we have with another mutual friend. Rayanne's not usual this nice to me."
Rayanne rolled her eyes and laughed. "To be fair. You need to know that this guy," she pointed at Brian with her thumb, "is not usually nice to me either."
Charlotte shook her head and smiled knowingly. "Maybe the two of you are better friends than you realize. Sometimes it's good to let people know you give a shit, Rayanne," Charlotte said bumping shoulders with the girl.
Brian had no idea how these two were with each other yet. So he wasn't sure if this comment was meant in fun, at least not until Rayanne shot back at Charlotte with a laugh, "Fuck you, Charlie. My friends know who they are and that they matter to me. Sometimes I'm not too clear if I matter to them. Hence my want to drink and here I am at this crap hole." She gestured dramatically at the room.
"Hey! We take pride in our crap hole, thank you very much!" Charlotte retorted.
Both women laughed. Brian laughed too with some unease. He finished the cookie and leaned over to Charlotte, "I should get going. My parents get weird when I drive at night. It was nice to meet you, Charlotte."
"He's my ride," Rayanne said as she hugged her sponsor. Then she picked up her bag and followed Brian as he left the room. "Wait up Bri!" She called as he started down the hall back to main entrance of the community centre. He stopped and waited as she ran up to him. She took his arm and thanked him for coming with her.
"You didn't get to say anything," he said. She craned her neck and started up at him blankly. After a moment he added, "if I hadn't been here maybe you would have, you know, felt like sharing. Like that guy with the kids?"
Rayanne squeezed his arm that she was still holding. "Don't be so dense, Brian. I would have shared if I wanted to. Sometimes it's enough just to show up. To see that I'm not alone. To bug Charlie for 5 minutes so she knows I working the program like I said I would." She loosened her grip and let her hand fall into his.
She thought about Charlotte's words that maybe she and Brian were better friends than she had thought. Maybe they were. She had been so angry with him for his role in bringing her transgression with Jordan Catalano to light. But it hadn't really been his fault. She was still the one who made the choice...even if it was a drunken, judgement impaired choice. It had been hers. Brian just happened to be there to witness it...and capture it on film.
"Angela would have found out anyways...she always did," Rayanne had told herself on multiple occasions. Angela Chase seemed to be at the center of everything these days. Rayanne wanted to be her friend so badly that she was trying to be her... And now here she was, standing in the hallway, holding the hand of the one boy who may have loved Angela as much as she did. It was a strange and alarming thought. People passed by them to get to their cars, to go home to their loved ones and back to their lives, but they just stood there staring at one another and holding hands.
Brian pulled away first. His face was flushed again, only this time it wasn't from crying. Rayanne felt her cheeks go hot too. She wasn't sure why. Brian was not the intimidating type. He was good looking enough, despite his terrible fashion sense and all that hair. But Rayanne was sure he was a virgin and she had no interest. None at all. Or at least that's what she told herself.
Just then Brian jingled his car keys and she snapped back to reality. He offered to drop her at home. She should have said yes. Home was where she should have gone. It was getting late and it was time to go home. Yet somehow she heard herself say, "Take me back to your place, would you?" He didn't miss a beat. He didn't hesitate at all. He simply nodded and said "Sure." He held the door for her as they headed out into the parking lot.
...
"Angela Chase, wanton sex goddess," Angela thought, giggling out loud as Jordan very seductively kissed his way down her neck. She wasn't sure how it had happened, but at some point the couple had made their way into one of the unoccupied bedrooms. Angela couldn't even remember whose party this was. It was someone Jordan knew, maybe? Or was it one of Kyle's jock friends? "Were Sharon and Kyle even together this week? Oh well," she thought. "Whatever."
She let out a soft moan as Jordan's mouth came back up to that sweet spot just behind her ear. His hands deftly moving under her top to get better contact with her breasts. "Pay attention, Angela," she chided herself internally as she felt his fingers fiddle with her bra. She sat up and gently pushed him off. "Not here, Jordan," she whispered to him. Her protest was met with the usual grumble of frustration.
He gave her those familiar bedroom eyes. "If not here then where?" he asked with a seductive smile. She leaned back and sighed, letting her hands run through his long, silky hair. "What about here?" he asked with kiss to her hand. "Or here?" He kissed her wrist playfully.
"I know you've been patient with me," she said giggling at his suggestions. "I just want everything to be perfect. And sadly, some random room in some random guy's house where anyone could walk in is not a super great place for this. In my humble opinion."
Jordan moved closer, if that were possible, and closed his mouth on hers. He knew her words were valid, but they were just another excuse. He decided not to push his luck. After a few more moments of making out, they went back downstairs.
Jordan decided he should go outside for a smoke. Angela nodded and went into the kitchen to see if she could get a drink. While water was preferred she would really drink just about anything right now. Making out was thirsty work.
In the kitchen Angela grabbed a bottled water and found Rickie Vasquez standing at the counter. He was chatting quite loudly with Delia Fisher so they could be heard over the constant music. Delia was saying something about how the Valentine's dance in February had been a disaster. Something about Sharon being distracted and how Brian bailed on them. He was meant to take photos of the couples, but changed his mind last minute, which seemed to be his m.o. these days. Rickie was trying to defend his friend, but had to admit that was pretty shitty of Brian.
Angela approached them, pretending she hadn't heard their conversation. She waved hello and they waved in turn. "Having fun?" She asked.
"The night started out okay," began Delia, "but, like, there is no way to dance. It's so crowded. Like why bother with the super loud music if you can't move to it. It just makes talking ridiculous."
"Sure, I can see what you mean," Angela sympathized politely. She really had no interest in talking to Delia. She found her to be petty. The fact that she was still griping about something that happened two months ago was further proof of this. "Hey Rickie have you seen Rayanne? She said she was going to come tonight."
Rickie took a sip of whatever he was drinking and shook his head. "I thought I saw her earlier, but there are so many bodies I can't be sure. I did see Sharon, though. She was arguing with Kyle. They were hard to miss."
Angela nodded awkwardly and said, "The drama continues." Rickie and Delia agreed.
Just then Jordan came looking for Angela. He was ready to get out of there. Apparently, the party had pushed it's way outside and there was no where at all to get a quiet moment. He could only tolerate coming to these kinds of parties if he could find a quiet space. Angela asked if they could take Delia and Rickie with them. How could he say no? Together the four friends made their way to the front door. It was getting late and the cops would probably be called by one of the neighbours soon anyways.
...
Driving back to Brian's was meditative for Rayanne. It was just like all those drives to Angela's house. In the comfortable quiet she thought about why she didn't want to go home tonight. Her mother had taken up with one of her old boyfriends...one of the handsier ones. It wasn't just that she felt unsafe with this man in her apartment, it was also that she had been doing her best not to drink. If her mother was entertaining they would both be drunk.
It had been hard to admit at first, but she had come to terms with the fact that her mother was an alcoholic. Most days Amber was a fairly well functioning one, but Rayanne still called a spade a spade. This meant that there was booze in some form or another not only in the apartment, but sitting out in glasses and open containers most of the time. Her mother treated their home like it was always happy hour and Rayanne wanted out.
She had crashed several times at Charlotte's place, but this wasn't really the best solution. It was harder for her sponsor to stay objective if they were in each other's space all the time. Rayanne loved her mother. She had been like a best friend really. However, lately she had become like one of those friends you outgrow, but don't know how to end things amicably so you just go through the motions and pretend everything is ok. It was exhausting to say the least. Rayanne had tried to tell Amber about her foray into Alcohols anonymous only to be dismissed and told how her daughter was no alcoholic; she just knows how to have fun.
Yeah, life was a barrel of laughs. She'd slept with her best friends flame and left her other best friend to fend for himself when he'd suffered abuse and been kicked out by his own family. Such a fun time she was having. Distance from Amber really was her best option.
Rayanne had only been in Brian's house once. It was right after she'd met him. He had been following Angela around like an annoying yappy dog rather than the traditional lost puppy. They had not been invited, but she and Rickie accompanied Angela while they worked on a science project. While Brian worked on it anyways.
As she walked in the front door of the Krakow house it was exactly like she remembered. Quiet and clean; almost sterile. It was fairly devoid of any personal touches; as if no one even lived there at all. They stopped briefly in the kitchen and he asked politely if she wanted anything. She said she wasn't hungry. All she really wanted was to understand why she'd asked to come here in the first place.
Brian was kind to let her follow him home, but he was not Angela or Rickie; not even close. She suddenly felt small and out of place. Normally, she'd make herself at home without a second thought. But it was close to eleven o'clock and if his parents were home they must have been in bed already because there was no sign of them. It was eerie. She'd come this far and she resolved to stay. She would feel pretty dumb now asking him to take her home.
They went up stairs in silence. At the top of the stairs she could see a light on through the open door of what must have been his room. It was all warm tones and she could see a small tv to one side and a large desk near the window. He directed her to the room to their left. It looked like a guest room that may have once belonged to his sister. There were frills on the window treatments and soft floral bedding.
"You can stay here for the night. If you need to leave a light on just close the door so my parents don't notice," he told her. He had remembered her fear of the dark. She didn't know if this was comforting or annoying. "I can get you a shirt to sleep in if you want?" His words were so natural like he had people stay over all the time. Like this wasn't the weirdest thing that had happened to him in a long time. Like, Rayanne-freaking-Graff wasn't about to spend the night in his house.
He turned to go to his room and she wasn't sure why, but she followed him. He didn't notice at first that she was behind him. He opened his dresser drawer to pull out an over-sized t-shirt and bumped into her as he turned around. Even she hadn't realized how close she was standing to him. It was as though she suddenly felt like if she didn't stay close she'd lose sight of him.
"Hey, are you okay?" he whispered, confused. She stepped back and sat on his bed, now clutching the proffered shirt. Why was she so nervous? The image of Brian perched on the diving board, ready to fall into the empty cement pool struck her then. He moved next to her and it was all just too much for her to handle.
"So you want me... to sleep in the other room?" she asked in little more than a whisper, staring at the floor. "You didn't think I followed you home so we could fool around? You don't want to fuck me?" Her words had an edge, but her tone was steady. Brian's eyes went wide and his eyebrows disappeared under his curly fringe. He was stunned, but instinctively he jumped off the bed from where he'd been seated beside her.
"How can you say that?" he sputtered. "I thought we were trying to be friends. I thought you needed somewhere to crash?" She stayed quiet and regretted opening her stupid mouth. It was a defence mechanism she used all too often to keep people away. She couldn't look at him, knowing how hurt he must be. "No, I don't want to sleep with you. God what is wrong with you? Not every guy is trying to have sex with you," he added after a moment.
Rayanne walked out of his room without another word. She went into the guest room and closed the door. Brian felt like an ass. He had thought for a moment that they could actually connect. That maybe she had finally seen him as an ally. As he saw it, this was the school basement all over again. She'd taken any opportunity to make him feel like the social reject he was.
Brian closed his bedroom door and started to undress. On a normal night he would have taken a moment to look out his bedroom window to see if Angela had come home yet. But not tonight. He was so angry and felt so foolish that he didn't even take the time to go and brush his teeth— which wasn't really a concern since he had brushed them before leaving to go the party earlier that evening.
Once he was in his pyjama bottoms he turned out his light, got into bed and pulled the covers over his head. He just hoped and prayed that Rayanne behaved herself with his parents in the morning. Better yet, maybe she would be gone before they got up.
Just as he was drifting off to sleep, Brian felt a presence in his room. Before he could react he felt someone standing next to the bed. "Push over Bri," Rayanne insisted in hushed tones. "I don't wanna sleep in that room alone."
"God she is insufferable," he thought. Where did she expect him to push over to? Since his last growth spurt the bed was barely big enough for him. "I'm sorry I acted like such a bitch, okay?" He heard her say in the blackness of the room. She must have been sorry to be standing there in the dark.
Brian reluctantly pulled back the covers and she inserted herself into the tiny space he'd managed to find. They now lay in a spooning position, with Rayanne as the little spoon of course. He took a moment to calm himself as she pressed her back to his front. This was crazy. He was crazy. Why didn't he offer to sleep on the floor?
"I have two rules," he suddenly whispered with some authority. Rayanne giggled despite herself when his breath tickled her ear. She then waited quietly to hear what he had to say. "Firstly, you need to go back to the other room before my parents wake up tomorrow." He was clearly not ready to explain to them who she was as well as why she was in his bed. She agreed that if she woke up in time she would. This seemed to satisfy him.
Brian was still again for a moment and she thought maybe he had fallen asleep before he could decree his second rule. But then she felt him shift and he whispered very factually, "Secondly, I am a sixteen year old boy. We are sleeping in very close proximity. I already told you I don't want to have sex with you. What my body does or doesn't do while I am asleep is not my fault. You chose to sleep in my bed with me still in it. Do you understand?"
It took everything in her not to reach behind and grope him in that moment. Even as a joke, she was sure he would have murdered her. She agreed with all the seriousness she could muster. After all her was doing her a huge favour. They both fell asleep shortly after that.
...
Sometime in the middle of the night, or was it early morning, Rayanne woke and forgot where she was. That was until her bedmate moved behind her and suddenly it all came back. There are some times in life where all you want is to be left a lone. And then there are others when your whole body screams for someone to hold onto. Rayanne mused that this was probably why she liked to have sex with men she hardly knew. All of the physical relief of holding onto someone with none of the emotional consequence. Tonight she had denied herself drink and sex and was now cuddled up to one of the strangest choices in men she could have made. If you could call him a man, which he wasn't really.
No, Brian was in many ways just a boy. He was now lying on his back and Rayanne turned over to study his sleeping face by the light of the street lamp that was shining through the window. His skin was so smooth she was sure he didn't need to shave yet. He looked almost angelic with his halo of blond curls catching the light.
Carefully, as not to wake him, she let her hand lightly explore his chest which she only just realized was naked. He did seem to have a few chest hairs, but only a few. He stirred slightly and she didn't dare explore any lower. She let her hand rest there on his chest and took comfort in the rise and fall of his breathing. As she drifted back to sleep, Rayanne felt an undeniable pang of sadness. She thought about how she would probably never feel this intimate with him again. How could she? She didn't do emotional complications.
...
Sunlight streamed through the the bedroom window as Brian woke that morning. He felt a warm weight on his right side. As he blinked away the sleep from his eyes Rayanne's head resting on his chest came into focus. Her arms had wrapped around him and sometime in the night their legs had entangled. He cursed his tiny bed.
It struck him how beautiful she was as she slept peacefully. In most of his encounters with the girl she was quite animated and lively; pulling faces or telling him off. He knew she was attractive, but it was difficult to feel attracted to her. It was only in moments like this one; when she didn't know he was looking that he allowed himself to appreciate her.
Before he could decide the best way to disengage himself without waking her she stirred on her own. Grey-blue eyes met brown and she smiled. "Was it good for?" she yawned. The double meaning not lost on him.
"You slept well then?" He asked; afraid to move. She nodded and put her head back to rest on his chest. She seemed so natural laying there, like it was something they did all the time. Brian took a chance and added, "Do you want to talk about the real reason you crawled into bed with me last night?"
"No, not really," came her reply into his chest. Then in true Rayanne fashion she added, "do you want to talk about your enormous erection?"
"Fuck," Brian cringed inwardly. This is what he was worried about the night before. He dared to look down at the tent that had formed in the bedding. "No, not really," he groaned. Leave it to her to be so tactless.
"Nothing to be ashamed of, Bri. Like, seriously, nothing. I mean, I feel like 'congrats' are in order. Can I ask? Do you ever feel faint when that happens?" She rambled in delight at his discomfort. Brian tried to pull away, but there was no where to go. He was trapped between his tormentor and the wall. His face flushed bright red and Rayanne giggled. "Calm down Brian. I'll give you your space. I know you don't want to have sex with me," she repeated his sentiment from the night before while she gathered herself and got out of the bed.
Brian hated that he was still so unsure which of her words were meant to be in fun and which were not. While he was lost in thought she caught him staring at her legs, which were bare. The same legs that had been tangled with his moments ago. He swallowed hard and looked away. The visual was not helping with his erection.
Rayanne moved back to the edge of the bed. "I can help you with that if you want," she purred seductively. "I mean, I wouldn't want you to think I was ungrateful, or anything."
"It's fine," he said with some resolve. He knew she was having a go at him now. "Maybe you should go into the other room before..."
But his words were cut off by a knock at the door. It was his mother, who didn't wait for a reply and swung the door open wide. Any greeting she was about to give her son was lost to the shock of finding him with a strange girl half on top of him—wearing only a t-shirt and pink underwear that were just visible under it.
Brian cursed under his breath. Why did his parents not respect his privacy? And why the hell was his mother up so early? "M-m-m-om...this is, um...this is um..." he stuttered. "Why the hell can't I remember her name?" he thought desperately to himself. At least his erection was gone.
"Rayanne," offered Rayanne. "Good morning, I bet this looks bad, but really it's nothing," she reassured the woman as she hopped to the floor. "Brian just let me crash here last night. By here I mean I slept in the next room of course. It may look nice and tidy, but I did sleep there. I was just letting Brian know that I was leaving. I wanted to thank him. He's really great. Very respectful. You should be proud." Rayanne finished rambling and moved past Brian's stunned mother to get her things in the other room.
Bernice Krakow closed her mouth which had been gaping open all this time. Brian smiled sheepishly at his mother and pulled the blankets over his head. "Ask your friend if she would like breakfast before she goes, please, Brian," Bernice said with some composure before closing the door behind her. After all, this girl was their guest.
...
Angela decided on a whim to sit outside on the porch with her pop tart and read the Saturday paper. It was a rare occasion when her parents slept in and she could read it first. It was a crisp morning, but Angela didn't mind as she was bundled in her big coat. Her sixteenth birthday was coming up fast and although exciting, it was also terrifying. It felt like once she was sixteen there would be far fewer excuses to give Jordan about having sex. Although, if last night was any indication, maybe she was ready. She sighed and decided to skip the hard news and go straight to the funnies.
Just as she settled in, Angela could have sworn she heard Rayanne Graff's voice. She dismissed it as an anomaly until she heard that unmistakable laugh. Angela looked up and caught sight of the source across the street. It was in fact Rayanne who had just come out of Brian Krakow's house. This was not to be believed except that Brian himself was right behind her. The pair made their way to his car. Angela was up like a shot and all but ran over to the Krakow's driveway.
Brian was about to turn the key in the ignition when a loud knocking on the driver's side window startled them both. "What the hell, Chase?" He demanded rolling down the window with the old manual crank. Rayanne ducked down a little beside him. She had no reason to hide her presence, but suddenly felt like she'd been caught with her hand in the cookie jar...actually she basically had been by Brian's mom earlier that morning.
Angela stood there for a moment unsure of what she even wanted to say. What could she say? "So is this like a thing you do now?" Angela asked directing her question past Brian to his passenger. "You just sleep with every guy I turn away? Is this like a pathological problem you're having? Because Brian's parents are psychiatrists. They could probably get you the help you need." Her words were full of venom and spite.
Rayanne tried to get even smaller. It was as she had predicted; Angela found out...she always found out. It was just so much more immediate than before. Even if what she thought she found out was all kinds of wrong, Rayanne felt the same amount of guilt in that moment.
Brian got out of the car, pushing Angela back as he did. "Back off!" he yelled. He'd had it with Angela and how everything had to be her way. She'd broken his heart and he was ready to let her know that she wasn't going to call the shots any more. Rayanne sat in dumbfounded silence as the boy defended her.
"You don't even know what you're talking about," he said his voice raw and maybe a little too loud. "She didn't do anything wrong. Even if we had slept together—which is none of your business—she still wouldn't deserve your accusations. I don't belong to you, Chase. And clearly you don't really respect Rayanne as your friend, or you wouldn't be so hateful. Now go home. Go back to your boyfriend and stop trying to tell everyone else what to do."
Brian got back in the car without waiting for any sign from Angela that she would do as he asked. Rayanne noticed his hands were shaking as he took the wheel and turned the key. She reached over and placed a calming hand on his.
Angela stood back at a safe distance and waited for them to pull out of the driveway. Her lower lip shaking, she tried not to cry. Brian's words had stung and maybe he was right. She stood there hating how everything had changed between them. They used to fight all the time, but this felt different. He had taken Rayanne's side. Once the car disappeared down their street Angela slowly went back to her house. Abandoning the paper on the front porch, she went inside and up to her room.
...
Brian was driving a little too fast. He felt a little out of control. He hadn't eaten anything at breakfast because Rayanne chatting in a casual fashion with his parents had been too distracting. Now, after yelling at Angela, the girl he had been in love with for so long, he regretted the empty stomach. An all too familiar wave nausea hit him just then and he pulled the car over. They stopped next to a park. It was early enough that no one was around.
Before Rayanne realized what was happening, Brian was out of the car and retching into a near-by garbage can. She was well aware of Brian's nervous stomach. Angela never failed to tease him about it. Whether it was stress from school deadlines, pop-quizzes, bullies or plain old social anxiety, Brian was always making extra trips to the bathroom. Of course this was the first time she had front row seats. She felt awful for the guy.
Not knowing what else to do, she got out of the car and moved next to him. She gently held his hair back as a second wave hit. Luckily his stomach was essentially empty. Together they sat on the grass while he waited to see if the nausea had passed.
"Bet you're super sorry you didn't have sex with me," he said sardonically. "I'm just such a sexy guy." He laughed a little at himself despite his embarrassment. Rayanne softly rubbed circles on his back out of instinct. Her mother always did that for her when she was unwell.
"Super sexy," Rayanne said sarcastically, giving him a wink. She dug around in her big bag and pulled out a tiny bottle of mouth wash. He accepted it gladly and rinsed his mouth. After a few moments she sighed and said, "I'm sorry about Angela. I never thought about her seeing us. But I guess that's my biggest problem; sometimes I just don't think."
He turned to look at her then. She couldn't help but notice that the blood-shot effect from the retching really brought out the blue in his eyes. She shook off this silly thought and realized that he was staring at her. A little like he had at the community center. Like he really saw her.
"You should only worry about taking care of yourself," he said. "You have enough on your plate without worrying about Angela, or me for that matter. What you're doing is admirable. I'm just a stupid, too-smart-for-his-own-good kid who over thinks things and makes a big deal over everything."
Rayanne appreciated his oxymoron. He smiled then with a genuine smile that crinkled the corners of his eyes. "You know I'm not like you," he continued. "I'm a coward. I never would have done anything to hurt myself last night."
She was taken aback. "Where had that come from?" she wondered. The image of Brian alone on the diving board instantly recalled in her mind. He was doing that emotional connection thing again. It made her nervous. She could brush him off and walk away, or offer something of herself in return. She sat quietly for a moment and then took a deep breath.
"I crawled into bed with you last night because for some unexplainable reason, you made me feel needed and safe." She twirled a lock of hair as if to show him that sharing this information was no big deal. "I just don't feel either of those things most of the time. That's all."
Brian dared to put an arm around her shoulders and she let him. "You know how I said I didn't want to have sex with you?" he asked her in hushed tones. She met his eyes and nodded. "I didn't say it because I think you're a slut, or that you're disgusting, or whatever." She waited patiently intent on knowing where he was going with this admission. "I mean, of course I've thought about it. I mean, how could I not?" He looked away then and blushed. "But it's not something I'm ready for, you know? I thought I should tell you."
Rayanne watched his profile as he continued to look away from her. "Want to know another secret?" she asked wiping away a tear she hadn't known she'd shed. "I haven't had sex since Catalano. Haven't had a drink either. My life is dull as shit and I have no friends." She was on a role now. "All I really want to do is get wasted and forget what a loser I am. You think I'm admirable, but I'm not. Turns out I'm a disaster. Being a part of 'Our Town' was the first time I ever felt I could do anything worth while without being buzzed. When it was over I was lost again. Angela still hates me. Rickie has moved on and Sharon is too caught up in her own shit. That's why I went to AA. Because no one was left to help me. I was so convincing to everyone that I loved my life and owed no apologies. But that's such bullshit. I am so sick of my own bullshit."
Brian turned back to her when she was finished her confession. He wasn't sure if he had earned such an intimate look into her thoughts and fears, but he was glad she trusted him enough to to share. He ventured to hold her in both arms now and held her in a comforting embrace. Rayanne was only mildly surprised this time. Two hugs in two days...and then there was the sleeping together. "God," she thought, "this emotional shit is exhausting."
As he moved away and looked ready to rise from the grass, Rayanne caught his arm. "I don't want to go home." She said flatly. "My mom will be hung-over or still drunk. I don't want to go home." She repeated as press her point.
Brian pulled her up with him to stand and gingerly brush a lock of hair from her eyes and tucked it behind her ear. It was a small thing, but it was something he never would have dared to try before. "Come on then...I know a place." He smiled again and so did she. They got back in the car and drove away. This time at a more reasonable speed.
They spent most the day at one of Brian's favourite haunts. It was a 24 hour diner downtown, not far from their high school. He would go there after band practice, or on nights he knew his parents weren't home. Rayanne like it's old time fifties feel. They ate and chatted and felt mostly normal. Just two friends hanging out on a Saturday.
...
"Angela, phone!" came Patty Chase's shrill call up the stairs with unchecked annoyance.
The red-haired girl huffed and looked at the digital clock. It was just after noon. She'd been sulking in room since her encounter with Brian and Rayanne. She picked up the phone on her bedside table. "I got it!" she yelled back in hopes that her mother would hang up the line downstairs. When Angela heard the tell-tale click she new her privacy was assured.
"Hello?" she answered unsure of whose voice would greet her.
"Hey, Angela. It's Rickie. Sorry to bug you, but, like, I was thinking about how you said you thought that Rayanne would be at that party last night...and now I am, like, worried about where she might be. I mean, I called her house and no one answered. Which is odd...because usually someone is there on a Saturday."
When her friend finally paused Angela interjected, "Look no need to worry about Rayanne, Rickie. She's all taken care of."
Rickie was not calmed by her vague remark. "How do you mean, exactly?" he prodded.
"Oh you know...she just somehow ended up at Brian Krakow's house last night. Like where did they even run into each other? The library, or something?" she asked more to herself than to Rickie.
"What? Her and Brian are hanging out now?" he asked skeptically. "This is news to me."
Angela didn't really want to discuss it. She didn't care... well maybe she did care. "What difference does it make? She'll get bored of him too at some point and move on the next sucker."
Rickie wasn't entirely sure that her mean spirited comment was valid. Knowing that there were still bad feelings between the two girls he let it slide. "Look I'm just glad to hear that she is with a friend and not off on a weekend bender."
"Just because she's with straight-laced Krakow doesn't mean she's not on a bender. How could he even do that?" she wanted to know.
"Do what, exactly?" he asked needing more information.
"Pretend that she's his friend," she huffed. "You know he defended her. Like she was innocent in everything."
"Okay what happened, like, specifically?" Rickie asked needing clarification.
"He just...I mean she was so...ugh I can't even," she muttered. This was not helping Rickie understand in the least
"Hey Ange, you wanna take a breath and try that again?" he suggested calmly. He heard her groan into the phone.
"I know I rejected him, but I truly, honestly thought he was okay with it. That we had moved passed it and were still friends. But when I saw them together this morning it was like the biggest betrayal. Like he did it on purpose to hurt me." She couldn't stop the pang of hurt that bubbled up again in her chest and her lower lip wobbled. Rickie couldn't see her face, but her could tell from the tremble in her voice that she was upset.
"So what were they up to when you saw them?" Rickie asked bracing himself for the worst.
"I don't know," she began, "they were in his car." Rickie held his breath expecting her next words to describe some unspeakable sexual act. "I guess he was going to drive her home. He swore up and down that nothing happened, but Rayanne looked pretty guilty."
Rickie exhaled with relief. "Oh, so you didn't catch them doing anything at all really? What did Rayanne say?"
"Nothing. She wouldn't even look at me. Besides Brian was too busy yelling at me. Who yells like that and has nothing to hide?" Angela inquired turning the phone chord with her fingers.
"Angela, please don't take this the wrong way, but you make Rayanne feel bad about herself, like, all the time now. She is really sorry. Not that I, you know, condone her conduct. But she is sorry."
There was a moment of silence between them. Angela sighed and asked, "Hey Rickie? You're pretty good friends with Brian right? Could you like find out if he's lost his mind?"
Rickie laughed. "Ange, just because he may or may not be friends with Rayanne doesn't mean he's lost his mind."
"Sure, if you say so," she relented. "But will you, like talk to him?"
"I can try," he replied knowing that he wanted details just as badly.
"Thanks Rickie. You're the best." Angela and Rickie said their good-byes and hung up. Angela looked at the clock again. It was only ten minutes later. She supposed she should go downstairs and start the day...again. She hoped her parents wouldn't ask her why the paper was spread out on the porch. At least she had the possibility of Jordan dropping by later to cheer her up.
...
Monday mornings at Liberty High were a mixture of chaos and noise. Students greeted each other loudly as lockers doors banged open and closed again. Although school was not Angela Chase's favourite place, it was made more appealing by Jordan Catalano's presence. He was currently at her side while she got her books out of her locker for morning classes. He'd picked her up at her house that morning and had already delayed her several times with eager, knee-weakening kisses. Despite his welcomed advances she was still distracted by the nagging concern that at some point she would run into Brian...or worse, Rayanne.
She didn't bring up what had happened with Jordan. She didn't want to talk about Rayanne with him if she could help herself. And Brian was still an uncomfortable subject since the letter incident. So, basically they didn't talk about her friends much ever.
They turned to walk down the hall and Angela caught sight of Brian at his locker. He looked the same as always wearing one of those terrible cardigans he always wore. As they walked past him Rayanne came into view. She was standing beside him chatting away and sucking on a lollipop.
Angela rolled her eyes. She couldn't believe that Rayanne was still bothering Brian.
She and Jordan walked by quickly and the hall was too noisy for her to hear what Rayanne was talking about. Not that she should care.
After first period Angela made her way to the girl's bathroom. It was relatively quiet for once and she moved to the mirror to re-apply her lipstick. Sharon Cherski and Delia Fisher came in a moment later. The three girls greeted each other.
"So I broke up with Kyle again," Sharon stated checking her hair in the mirror next to Angela.
Angela couldn't help but laugh. "Am I supposed to be surprised?" she asked with a smile.
"Whatever," Sharon shot back as she continued to primp. "What's the deal with Krakow and Graff? Delia says she saw them, like, hanging on each other this morning."
"Yeah, I so totally didn't need to see that so early on a Monday morning. It was, like, upsetting," added Delia.
Angela's mouth fell open. She was appalled. "What do you mean 'hanging on each other'?" she wanted to know.
Delia stood back and crossed her arms across her chest defensively. "Oh you know, she kept touching his arm and laughing at whatever stupid thing he was saying. It was kind of embarrassing. Do you think he's paying her to, like, look like she's his girlfriend or something?" she said with a hint of jealousy. Then, as if realizing how much it looked like she cared about what the two had been doing she added, "I mean he's terrible and she's worse. They can have each other for all I care."
There it was again, Angela noted. Delia's petty streak. The girl barely knew either of them and she was passing judgement. Angela was taken aback by not just her attitude, but by the fact that she said Rayanne was acting like Brian's girlfriend. This was a little more serious that them hanging out, or messing around. Everyone knew that Rayanne was no one's girlfriend. It was just never something that she did.
"Don't be so dramatic, Delia," came Sharon's teasing voice. "You know, you say Krakow means nothing to you, but then you get so upset seeing him another girl. Just make up your mind."
"I told you I don't care. Whose side are you on Sharon?" Delia was pouting now.
Sharon put a hand on Delia's shoulder. "Ok fine. And I'm on you side." Sharon the shifted her focus back to Angela. "So no insight then?"
Angela blinked and shook her head. She decided not to share her encounter with the two from Saturday. Sharon was likely to blow the whole thing out of proportion and tell the whole school. So she kept quiet.
"Did you talk to Rickie?" Angela asked Delia, hoping she hadn't.
"Not yet. Though I doubt he'd know either. It's all so random," said Delia.
...
Music class was wrapping up and Brian couldn't wait to leave. Sharon had been giving him the stink eye from her seat next to him the whole time. He was reminded of earlier that year when that list came out naming her as having the 'best breasts' and how all the boys including himself would leer at her when she wasn't looking. She must have felt terrible; like he did now. And she was only one person staring at him.
The classroom cleared out as the students left. All but Brian, who was putting the music stands back and Sharon who was taking her time cleaning her instrument. He was aware she was still in the room, but was confused by her silent glare.
"What, Cherski!?" he demanded, confronting her.
"Nothing," she retorted. "Nothing at all." Her eyes were still shooting dangers at him.
"Wow, if looks could kill," he said mostly to himself. "You know, I'd hate to know how you'd look at me if there was actually something wrong."
Sharon finished putting her clarinet neatly in its case. She tossed her chestnut hair and softened her features ever so slightly. "Look, Krakow, I know we don't always get a long. But if you want tell me why you and Rayanne Graff are suddenly so chummy. I swear I won't judge."
"Looks like you already are...like, judging." He reflected.
"Come on," she pried. "Tell me something to change my mind then."
He sat next to her again and looked at his hands in his lap. "I'm only going to tell you this because you are one of my oldest friends. But you can't tell anyone else, okay?"
Sharon mimed a cross over her heart. "I swear, whatever you say is our secret."
Brian paused and regarded his friend. He hadn't talked to anyone about her yet. He had planned to talk to Rickie at some point, but it seemed like Sharon would only back off if he gave her a reason to do so. "We just decided to be friends," he said slowly. Knowing that this was not enough he added, "we actually really like each other. Is that such a crime?"
"You made me swear secrecy for that?" she asked hitting him in the shoulder. "Come on, Krakow. You expect me to believe the two of you are just friends?"
"Look I don't know what you want me to say. It's not like she's my girlfriend. We haven't kissed or anything. Which is fine. I know I'm not the kind of guy girls are attracted to that way. I mean my whole life most of my friends have been girls."
Sharon suddenly felt sorry for the guy. All those girls that had been his friends had led him on at some point or another and he was still alone. She herself had led him on unintentionally when her father was sick. He had been a really good friend to her. Maybe he was right and maybe this was the same with Rayanne. At least he could recognize the situation for what it was.
Brian continued to look at his hands and Sharon couldn't help but ask, "Are you sure that's all you want? To be friends?"
He considered her question thoughtfully before replying, "What choice do I have? If I want her around, which I do, all I can do is be her friend. If I try to push for more she could shut me out again. It would be like Angela all over again."
"Shoot, Krakow," Sharon was shocked by his comparison. "You were, like, in love with Angela. Are you in love with Rayanne?"
"What!?" He stood abruptly. "No, of course not. I barely know her." Which was almost true. His mind raced back to the other morning, their bodies entangled in his bed and her head resting on his chest. He blushed at the memories.
"Ok fine," she relented. "I'll back off. And I won't tell anyone about our little conversation." It was obvious to her he was in love. She decided that was his business. For now anyway.
...
Rickie caught up to Rayanne. He hadn't had any luck getting alone with Brian, so he decided to go straight to her.
"Hey Rayanne, how's it going?" he asked leaning against the wall. Rayanne was busy digging through her boho bag. She shrugged as she continued her search. "So Angela was telling me you spent the night at Brian's house. That must have been weird."
That got her attention. She abandoned her search for whatever it was she was looking for. "Did she say that?" she asked pretending not to care. "Yeah, I guess it was kinda weird. But you know, Brian is kinda weird." She slung her bag on her shoulder and started to walk away. Rickie moved to keep up with her.
"So it was no big deal?" he dared to ask. Rayanne stopped and faced her friend. She pulled a face as of to imply 'why would it be'. "It's just not like you and Brian are close is all," he clarified.
"Why do I have to be close to someone to crash on their couch? I don't even need to be close to someone to have sex with them," she casually replied.
"Did you? Have sex, I mean?" Rickie couldn't believe he'd managed the words.
Rayanne rolled her eyes. "Are you asking, or is Angela asking?"
"Do you see Angela anywhere?" he said looking around. "I'm asking, Rayanne."
"Fine. No we did not have sex. Satisfied?" she said as they began to walk again.
"Okay, fine," he said. "I kinda figured you didn't. I mean, I guess you can't, like, have a fling with someone like Brian anyways. I mean he would, like, want to marry you or something. He gets so attached." Rickie rambled without much thought to what he was saying, or where he was going until he bumped into his friend who had stopped walking again.
Rayanne knew that Rickie was just offering his off-hand opinion of Brian, but something about his sentiment struck a nerve. He was right. What the hell was she going to do if Brian got romantically attached to her. They had cleared the air about not having sex that night they spent together, but never said it was out of the question. Maybe it should be.
"Thanks Rickie," she offered patting his arm. "This little chat has helped me realize that I need to shut this thing down ASAP." She turned and walked away from him. Rickie just stood there; a feeling of dread came over him. What had he said? What happened to everyone being friends?
...
At the end of the day Rayanne caught up with Brian at his locker. He smiled brightly at her until he noticed she wasn't smiling back. "What's wrong?" he asked unsure he wanted to hear her answer.
"We need to talk," she said not meeting his gaze. "Like, in private."
Brian gathered his things and closed his locker. Luckily he didn't have any extracurricular activities today. They walked together out to the student parking. Once they were safely inside his car Rayanne tossed her bag in the back and turned to look at him. She could see that he already looked hurt.
"Brian, I need to tell you..." she said struggling to find the right words.
"I know what you're going to say," he very quietly interjected. "It's fine. I get it."
"Get what, exactly?" she wanted to know.
"That hanging out on the weekend was a fluke. That having people see us together in school was too much. That I embarrass you, or whatever." His words were so honest and sad. She couldn't help but put her previous agenda on hold. He was right, it had been hard. But was she really ready to give up?
Almost without thinking she took his face in both hands and brought him closer to her. "You don't embarrass me," she told him with conviction. Then she added, "That cardigan has to go, but you didn't do anything wrong."
As she caressed his cheek with her thumb he closed his eyes and a smile started to pull at the corners of his mouth. There it was again, the feeling that he needed her. She had a choice to make. Pull away, or push forward. She decided on the latter and leaned into him.
Brian made a small noise of surprise as her lips met his. It was a brief kiss, little more than a peck. He immediately opened his eyes and stared at her. This was not where he'd imagined this conversation going. She removed her hands from his face and looked away.
It was his turn to show her how he felt. He mimicked her and took her face in both hands, but his kiss was not so quick or clean. It was messy and full of need. Rayanne felt him moan into her mouth and a hot bloom of desire went through her. She let him continue to explore his new found confidence. His hands never left her face, while hers tangled in his hair. Neither one taking notice that they were still sitting in student parking and anyone could walk by and see them.
When they finally pulled apart, panting and desperate for air, they were both a little shocked at what had just transpired. Rayanne had been planning to take sex off the table completely as to save them both from an awkward incident later. But now, after this very unexpected turn of events, she was ready to climb in the boy's lap and be damned the consequences.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. "That was so inappropriate." His face was flushed from ear to ear.
"Yes, Bri, that was very inappropriate," she purred. He caught her meaning, but was still unsure. "There's no need to be sorry," she reassured him. "I admit that I was getting ready for the 'let's be friends' speech, but I just don't know now."
"Maybe we should," he offered, "you know, just be friends. We both know that I'm not ready to have sex. And you aren't ready to be my girlfriend. So, yeah. I think it may be right call."
Rayanne felt like crying. She knew he was right, but for some reason it hurt to hear it out loud. She would be a terrible girlfriend. He might be a terrible boyfriend. Besides which, he had big plans for his life. Her life on the other hand changed from whim to whim. Their backgrounds were too different. She feared if they weren't careful she would ruin everything like she always did. He was right...wasn't he? But that kiss was so intense, how could she just forget about it?
Not knowing what else to do, Rayanne yanked her bag out from behind her seat and took off without another word. She didn't look behind her to see if he had followed. He hadn't. Fumbling in her pocket she pulled out a quarter. She stumbled past Angela who was by the outdoor vending machine waiting for Jordan. Ignoring the red-haired girl, she placed the quarter into the pay phone and punched Charlie's phone number quickly.
Angela watched as Rayanne paced back and forth the short distance the phone chord would allow her. Her friend's face was flushed and she seemed in a panic. "Pick up, pick up," she chanted into the receiver. Angela could vaguely hear the beep of an answering machine. Rayanne slammed the receiver back onto the cradle. "Damn it!" she cursed.
"Hey, are you okay?" Angela risked asking. She wasn't sure if she could offer any form of comfort, especially after the verbal assault she had given her so recently.
She was met with an ungrateful glare. "Peachy," Rayanne said sarcastically. "Like you even care."
"Come on, Rayanne. Talk to me," she insisted.
"I can't. I can't talk to you," the brunette replied frantically.
"Why not?" Angela needed to know. "Maybe I can help."
"No. There is no way I am talking to you. Not about this," she said shutting her down.
Rayanne was spinning out she was sure. She recognized the signs. The only thing that was missing was her silver flask. Angela suddenly wondered where Brian was, maybe she would talk to him. So she asked, "Where's Brian? Can you talk to him?"
Rayanne shook her head. "You just don't get it," she laughed. "You have it so easy." She sat herself on the nearby bench and pulled her jacket collar up against the chill. "I messed up again. Are you happy now?"
Angela sat next to the other girl mindful to keep a space between them. "Rayanne, please," she began, "just tell me what happened."
Rayanne had tears running down her face now. She tried to wipe them away with her hands. "He doesn't want me," she sobbed. "I'm not going to make him happy. I shouldn't...I shouldn't want him like this. But I do. I can't help it. He's just a stupid boy."
Angela still wasn't sure what had happened, but she completely understood how she was feeling. Jordan had made her feel that way not too long ago. She never dreamed that Rayanne would have feelings for any boy, let alone Brian Krakow. "What happened?" she asked again.
"He kissed me," Rayanne admitted in little more than a whisper. "But then he told me we should be friends...which we are. But maybe I can't even be friends now. I don't know."
"Was it a really bad kiss?" Angela joked trying to lighten the mood; ignoring the tiny pang of jealousy that went off in chest.
"No, that's the problem," her friend answered honestly. "I, like, didn't want to stop."
"Oh," said Angela as she contemplated the idea of Brian and Rayanne kissing. It made her feel strange. She was well aware that Brian was capable of affection, but suddenly she wasn't sure how to feel when it wasn't directed at her. She tried to shake it off.
"Wait, I don't really understand," she said. "Why did Brian kiss you and then say you should be friends? And why didn't you just tell him you...you know, didn't?"
Rayanne nervously chewed on her thumbnail. "I don't know. I clearly have no idea what I'm doing."
Just then Brian walked up to the two girls still seated on the bench. He held out a baggie of gummy worms. "This fell out of your pocket," he said as he handed it to Rayanne. "I can take you home if you want?" His tone was flat and devoid of any concern.
Angela just stared at him in disbelief. Could he not see that Rayanne was upset. Why was he suddenly his old, oblivious self. She felt herself get angry. If Rayanne didn't tell him off, she certainly would.
But then a strange thing happened. Rayanne stood and wrapped her arms around the boy's middle, still holding the bag of gummies in one hand. He returned the hug and she sobbed into his front for a long moment. Then, as if Angela wasn't there at all, Brian lifted Rayanne's chin and leaned down and they kissed right in front of her. It was surreal.
When they parted Rayanne sniffled and said to him, "I don't want to be just friends."
Brian shrugged. "Okay," he replied with a small smile.
Rayanne laughed and hugged him again. Then she turned and acknowledged Angela on the bench. "Thanks for your help," she said. And then added, "and thanks for you know, being so understanding."
"Huh, have I been?" She thought to herself, Angela wasn't sure. Maybe Delia was right...they could have each other. They were both clearly insane. "Sure, whatever," was all she could manage to say. She was sure this was going to blow up in both their faces.