Mario Gets Coronavirus
One sunny day, Mario wanted to go outside for a walk.
"Hey Mario! You can't just go for a walk," Luigi complained, "We're under quarantine. The coronavirus is rampant in the Mushroom Kingdom!"
Mario stared blankly at Luigi.
"I don't understand," Mario finally said.
"The coronavirus, Mario! The coronavirus! It's this terrible sickness that came from Corona Mountain! Oh my god, oh my god Mario it's terrible, it's terrible. People are sick everywhere. You can't go outside. The CDC told everyone not to go outside. And you have to make sure to wash your hands. With soap and water, Mario!"
"Oh, pshaw." Mario waved a hand. "You know, Luigi, I am very strong."
"Mario! It's a flu. It's a sickness. It doesn't matter how strong you are, Mario. Haven't you ever watched Dragon Ball Z? Remember when Goku got sick in the future and died?"
"Oh geez Luigi. Do I look like a Japanophile?" Mario said the last word like a curse. "What do I look like, Luigi? Do I look like I like cartoons, Luigi? For babies?"
"Mario—"
"Luigi, stop. I'm going for a walk. And I'm going to pick flowers. And I'm going to visit the princess, and kiss her maybe."
"No Mario, no. You can't do that. We have to practice social distancing, Mario. You can't get within six feet of anyone. You can't even get within six feet of the princess, Mario. So you can't kiss the princess."
"You can't tell me what to do! You're just jealous because you don't have a girlfriend!"
"Mario. I've been dating Daisy for three years. You know that."
"Ha! Daisy. What a funny name for a made up person!"
"Mario, you've met Daisy. She goes to Mario Party. We've played tennis. ...I brought her over for dinner last month!"
"Yeah, whatever, Luigi."
And before Luigi could say another word, Mario walked right out the door.
It really was a beautiful day. The sun was shining. The birds were singing. Nothing could be wrong.
"That's right," Mario said, and he started whistling a tune.
He walked for ten minutes through the woods and then he entered Toad Town.
The streets were empty. A tumbleweed went by. There were stray cats everywhere.
"Oh jeez." Mario rolled his eyes. "I bet everyone's-a playing video games!"
Mario walked through the streets. All the doors were shut and the windows were barred.
He turned the corner and saw the supermarket. The supermarket was full of people! And yet, there was nothing for sale. All the shelves were empty.
"Gee, that's funny." Mario said.
Mario had to go past the supermarket to get to Peach's Castle. He had almost made it past the door when Toad came out and walked into Mario.
"Hey!" Mario complained.
Toad looked up. "Hey! Mario!" Toad screeched. Then, he coughed. Spit and small wet pieces of bread hit Mario in the face.
"Oh my god!" Mario yelled. "Toad, you're disgusting!"
"Sorry Mario!" Toad screeched. "I don't feel so well. I can't control my mouth!"
"I'll say," Mario said, wiping wet disgusting bits off his face, "You disgusting creature."
"Hey, you can't call me that! I'm a person too, Mario!"
"I can call you whatever I like," Mario snapped, "I've saved your little butt so many times, more than the number of fingers on your stumpy little hands."
Toad's face turned red. "You haven't saved crap!"
"Don't say that, Toad. Oh, now you've done it. Now I'm starting to see red. You need to get away from me, Toad."
"Screw you, Mario!"
"I said get away from me, Toad. Get away from me, before I toss you!"
"Ha! Toss me? Toss me? I'd like to see you toss a turnip, fat man!"
"Toad, I'm warning you." Mario began to heave deep breaths. "Oh, oh, I'm warning you Toad. Oh sheesh. I'm seeing red."
"It's probably all that pasta sauce you've been drinking!"
"Toad, oh, Toad," Mario coughed a little, "You little jerk, if you call me fat one more time…"
"FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT," Toad screamed. (He seemed to be worse than usual.)
"That's it," Mario moaned. With one move he grabbed Toad with both hands and held him up like a child, or baby Simba in The Lion King. "Toad…"
Toad's mouth, screwed shut, exploded open as he coughed in Mario's face again.
"Urgh."
Mario groaned and shut his eyes. Arms over his head, he threw Toad straight forward, right into the huge glass window of the supermarket. Toad crashed right through, shattering the glass and sending shards onto a cashier and innocent customers on the other side.
Toad landed on the price scanner, knocking away a basket of oranges which went bouncing away on the duraflex floor.
When Mario opened his eyes, he was shocked at what he had done!
"Oh boy." Mario scratched the side of his head. "Sorry folks."
No one was bleeding at least. Except for Toad (but screw that guy).
Mario pulled some gold coins out of his pocket and threw them through the broken window. He was sure that would cover the damages.
Then he walked away very fast, but in a way he thought was very cool and relaxed at the same time. He rubbed his face with his gloves to get Toad's saliva off.
When he reached the castle he walked right past the guards, up the stairs, and into Peach's bedroom.
"Mario!" Peach jumped. She had been standing by a window. "What are you doing here? Why didn't you knock? What if I had been indecent? And what are you doing outside at all? Outside of your house? Didn't you know there's a virus? Haven't you heard of the coronavirus? Didn't you hear the coronavirus is in the Mushroom Kingdom? There's a lockdown, didn't you hear? Mario? Mario?"
"Peach!" Mario sighed. "I don't care about any of that! My love couldn't keep me away."
He grabbed her into a big hug before she could say anything. He tried to kiss her, too, but Peach used her very flexible neck muscles and dodged his attempts.
"Mario, let go of me!"
"Peach, you wouldn't believe what happened to me. Mama mia. It was horrible."
"Let go of me! Mario, your mustache is wet!"
"Yes, Peach. Yes, my princess. Oh my god, you wouldn't believe it. Toad coughed in my face!"
"Toad what?!"
"Oh yes, oh princess. It was terrible. Toad opened his mouth, and blasted his foul air all over my beautiful face. Oh no… but oh yes, it truly happened. Oh, mama mia…"
"Let go of me! Mario! Mario!"
"Oh Peach, this world is so crazy… Luigi was making up this story about a virus so I wouldn't come see you…" Mario started coughing.
Peach had had enough. "Guards! Guards!"
"Oh Peach," Mario sighed, "Nothing can defeat our love."
Two guards broke down the door. One had a taser.
Mario sighed. "I was wrong. There is one thing that can defeat our love."
The taser-toad tased Mario. Mario let go of Peach and made a funny yelping sound.
Everyone laughed, except Mario who was yelping, Peach who was horrified at Mario's behavior, and the tasing Toad who was licking his lips.
"Ohhh…" Mario moaned as he lay on the floor.
"Get him out of here," Peach ordered. "Wear masks and gloves. Goodbye, Mario."
Mario was kicked out of the castle. He landed on the cobblestone on his stomach, but managed to flip himself over from that with a bit of a bounce. He almost landed flat on his feet, but fell a little more and hit his face on the ground anyway.
"This is terrible," Mario declared.
Finally, he headed home. He walked like a dejected, droopy dog, head hung low. When he came back to the house, the sun was setting. Luigi was watching TV for news about the coronavirus.
"Mario, is that you?" Luigi called. "You should see this if you don't believe me about the coronavirus. It's all over the news. A lot of people have gotten sick. It's all over… it's all over, every channel. Everyone's talking about it. It's really scary, Mario. I'm scared. I was scared all day, thinking about you going outside. According to the news, we should only go out for food, to go to the doctor, and in case of an emergency. So if the house is on fire, we can go out. But if I want to buy the new Kingdom Hearts game, I can't go out. So that's interesting. The game could be infected, anyway. Anything you touch. That's why it's really important you wash your hands. If you touch something outside, Mario, you have to touch your hands. I mean, wash your hands. Mario, did you wash your hands today? I know you wear gloves, but you should still wash your hands. I mean, you should wash your hands every time you go to the bathroom. I'm sick of telling you that. It's really gross, when I hear you go to the bathroom, and I don't hear the sink run. I hate it, Mario. It's the worst, really. I mean, we're plumbers, too. So it's really important you wash your hands when we do a job. We work with nasty stuff, Mario. You gotta wash your hands. With soap and water. I've been trying to tell you that. Well, now, the news will tell you that. And you gotta listen to the news, Mario. These guys know what they're talking about. They went to school for journalism, Mario. They know how to tell people the truth. That's what they learned about in school. They have a degree in telling the facts. I mean, some of them do. Mario? Hey, Mario?"
Mario had been coughing into a dirty washcloth this whole time. He didn't want Luigi to get all ninny and think he had the virus or something like that.
"Mario? Are you listening to me? Mario?"
"Yes, Luigi," Mario managed to get out, before he had to shove the washcloth in his face and start coughing again.
"Mario, did you see the princess? Is she doing okay? Golly. I hope she's okay. Hey, by the way, I'm hungry. Did you pick up any food?"
"No." Mario managed to say, before the coughing came again.
"Oh… yeah I didn't eat anything either. I think I'll make some spaghetti. I'm gonna do it now. I'm so hungry, Mario. You wouldn't believe it. No way. I didn't eat anything for breakfast this morning except some toast. It was alright. But I'm hungry, so I'm going to make spaghetti."
"No, Luigi," Mario managed, "I'll cook dinner tonight. You don't need to come in here."
He wanted to make sure Luigi didn't see him coughing, because that dummy would definitely freak out about it.
"Oh gee, well that's great, Mario," Luigi clapped his hands in the other room, "That's swell. You haven't offered to cook in ages. That's great. Okay. Thanks. I'll just sit in here and keep watching the news. This is really interesting stuff."
So Mario made dinner. He coughed on all of the ingredients by accident and didn't wash his hands (or the vegetables) at all. The dinner looked pretty good anyway.
He gave Luigi his plate and then rushed back into the kitchen, saying he was getting his own. But now he was getting weirded out that he was still coughing. So he started drinking a bunch of water. But he still kept coughing. Now he coughed so hard the dirty washcloth he had been using to shield his mouth fell out of his hands.
Luigi immediately rushed into the kitchen.
"Mario, I thought I heard coughing. Is there someone outside the kitchen window?"
Mario turned to face Luigi. He was going to call him a fool, but when he opened his mouth, he ended up coughing right in Luigi's face instead.
He coughed for six seconds straight, full force, right in Luigi's face.
When Mario finally stopped coughing, he sighed.
"Luigi, I think I have coronavirus."