Hi guys, I hope you all doing well. I'm just here to tell you how much I appreciate your reviews and comments on my work, please leave them for me! I need to grow :)
This story is possible 3-4 chapters I'm not sure, I really hope you enjoy it. I know Somehow it is unlike Spencer Reid to go through this... or maybe it's not? Let's find out

Trigger warning: Mentions of suicide, triggering thoughts, self-injury, depression and all those triggering things so PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE be cautious about reading it.

S10E13- the aftermath of Gideon's death

Each member of BAU knew, he hated the dark. Standing in front of the cabin's door, he challenged that idea. The cabin was cleared for residences now, after a whole week of back and forth on different cases, he could finally, maybe find some peace in there. What was so special about this place? Why did Gideon keep coming back here? Spencer could think of tons of answers, but one Gideon had given him was about how this place reminded him of life outside of BAU, simple, peaceful life outside the world of serial killers and psychopaths. The happy times, family times. All those things, the good things, which were lesser-known to Spencer.

He waited on the porch, stared into the cabin. It was dark, and even as the heavy clouds were covering the sky, it was getting darker. The other times, the earlier times he would have cringed, he would've protested walking in there; he would have searched something light-giving or at least try to find the light switch. But not that night. Spencer just walked on, letting the thick darkness to swallow him. The wooden bars on the floor made a small whining sound. Now he was in the cabin felt much colder than outside.

Spencer locked the door, silent tears of agony ran down his face. He could feel his chest tightening around his lungs. It was getting harder to breathe. With both hands, Spencer silenced his mouth, sobbing violently and slowly as melting on the ground. His life, his time with Gideon, was passing in front of his eyes. Memories, just as he lived them through. How could he ever forget? He had the damn eidetic memory! Gideon was walking, laughing, smiling, staring blankly; Gideon was talking to him through that video, giving him hope, guidance. Gideon broken, sad, angry, covered in blood. Gideon, as he was dead and cold. Gideon as he was in the morgue.

Dead and cold! Just like her (Maeve), lifeless lying on the floor. Now there was a twist in his memories, and it was again all about Maeve, letters and phone calls, stories, small disagreements, that great happiness! Butterflies in his stomach. The day they finally have met her and the blood! Again, the thick dark blood dripping down the hole on her temple. The smell of fresh kill, the breaking sound of all his hopes and dreams.

He had seen it too many times. Slowly Spencer's mind drifted away. And it wasn't about his loved ones anymore, all the unsubs: Dowd, the feeling of his finger on the trigger, the smell of his gun, the hole between Dowd's eyes, the dead glance and the scent of blood, the stains of blood.

And then the smell of the cabin hit him hard; it was a combination of bleach and some other chemicals, chemicals used for washing blood, Gideon's blood-spattered all around the room. The first flash of lightning lit up the room, he could see it, red dots, red splashes on the walls on the furniture. It wasn't how he remembered it; the crime scene wasn't that messy! Spencer closed his eyes and tried to focus on breathing, in and out, again: in and out. He tried to remember crime scene photos, the reports, from now on, they were all he could hold on to. They were the last memories. Gideon on the papers, his cabin, his safe heaven explained in detail, his body torn on the cold coroner's office plate, his blood on the floor and white sheets covering them, red stains, and the smell of death.

He hadn't even seen the body, but that made him sick. Just imagining how cold-hearted the doctor had to be to open him up, just thinking about her hands inside Gideon's body…

His mind wouldn't stop; it was producing all those heartbreaking images; he was overthinking the process in detail, Spencer needed to stop! On his hands and knees, he crawled around to find a trash can, a vase? Or anything useful. After a minute, his hand hit something hard; he touched it, seemed perfect! Spencer couldn't take it anymore. He felt nauseous as well as bulky. Spencer tasted bile and blood in his mouth and started vomiting violently in whatever was that. His body started shaking; after a few minutes, all his muscles gave up; he collapsed on the floor again!

But this time air seemed tight, Spencer gasped, clawed into darkness as he felt like drowning. Drowning! Water filling his lungs, he knew his brain slowly would shut down. But he would suffer, it would be painful, his body would try, and he knew how to swim, he would swim unconsciously. He would've survived.

But Spencer didn't want to! He just couldn't take it anymore, waking up, going to work, pretending like everything was just fine. He wondered how everyone does it? How Morgan did it? How could he look at Gideon's dead body and at night go clubbing with his girl? How Hotch, how can he even breathe in his house? But there was the answer; Morgan had his girl, Hotch had to live for his son. JJ had her boys. They all had reasons, responsibilities more importantly: people to live for, to try for, and to fight for. But Spencer? He had already lost two and his mother, oh she was already on the death's list!

The idea of losing his mum, the day he had to take responsibility for her body and then burry her! It was the final shot to his heart. He couldn't do this. He couldn't even imagine it!

But there was something else too, another question bothering his mind. Would anyone notice if he was gone? They would notice, of course, for a while, for a day or two. But it wouldn't be long before they all go back to living their lives. And no one would never remember him. And that realization hit him hard, 'No one never knows, no one never remembers him' …

Spencer had worked so hard, yet it meant nothing!

The body can't process the excessive amount of emotional pain; it shows itself as a physical sensation. Spencer knew, he knew his heart was healthy and the aching was his body protesting his thoughts, he knew his stomach was sore and cramping just because of the stress he was going through, he knew his head hurt only because of crying, and he knew: all he needed was them just to stop. He needed everything to end.

He lay on the floor and slowly reached toward his messenger bag, and he had brought himself a friend, an old friend. The small bottle and syringe now were in his hands. The peace he needed was just a few moments away, but…

'you are pitiful!'

He could hear Charles Hankel's voice.

'Spencer'

He swore it was Gideon.

'Thomas Merton'

Maeve.

Suddenly the cabin wasn't just a dark and empty space. It was filled with spirits, ghosts of past, hunting Spencer. His eyes made shapes out of shadows, and the mysterious creatures started running around, they even had eyes! Spencer threw the bottle and syringe to a side and crawled back to the door. He could feel the creatures of darkness, throwing hand to get hold of him. Spencer went to the door, with the help of doorknob he finally stood on his feet, opened the door, and ran outside.

The rain had already started pouring. Spencer stepped in the puddles full of water as he got away from the cabin into the woods. He ran and ran until all he could see was just shivering shadows of trees. Finally, he was free. Finally, he could think.

By the time he was far enough, by the time his brain was working again, telling him what he saw wasn't real, rationalizing the events and worrying him about having gone mad! And warned him about 'being just like his mother!' Spencer was soaked in raindrops, panting, and in the middle of nowhere!

Spencer closed his eyes, focused on his breathing, he waited for the rain to wash over him. He paused for a long time. As every piece of his clothes was wholly soaked and wet, he felt relief. Spencer felt clean. The rain had washed all the darkness, grief, horrible images, memories, and all the madness of his mind. Spencer Reid felt like himself again. It was enough, and he had to go back now, as the shadows had faded away, he could think clearly and knew he had to go back to his life.

Spencer took one last deep breath and started strolling back to his car. He knew there was a massive chance of him getting sick due to the wetness and cold he was experiencing! His madness. But that was fine with him, at least his mind was clear. At least he could go back to his normal life. At least he felt fine again.

But the drama but didn't mean to end soon, as Spencer took his steady steps toward his car, he put his shaking and tired leg straight into an old rusty bear trap! Spencer's scream got lost in the sound of thunder breaking through the sky.