The ocean is wild and over your head
And the boat beneath you is sinking
Don't need room for your bag
Hope is all that you have
So say the Lord's prayer twice, hold your babies tight
Surely someone will reach out a hand
And show you a safe place to land

When they found her, she was just conscious enough to whimper at the notion of human contact. "Rollins, it's just us," Benson whispered, holstering her weapon. Bucci had cuffed Rollins to the inn's wall rack, and in Amanda's stupor, all her weight appeared to be pulling directly on her wrists, her knees buckled. "Amanda, stay with me."

Amanda moaned, her eyes fluttering. "That's it," Olivia encouraged, swallowing past the knot of anger lodged in her throat. They had done their job, held up their end, and still Bucci had bloodied her detective.

"My girls," Amanda choked out. Fin radioed for a bus.

"They're safe. They're safe," Benson assured her, fishing her key from her pocket. "Let's get these off, okay?" Olivia gingerly cradled Amanda's wrist, supporting her forearm as she released the cuff. Rollins stumbled into her. "Okay, take it easy. Fin?"

Rollins reeked of alcohol. In stark contrast to her blonde hair, crimson painted her scalp. Along her jaw was already starting to purple. Bucci had snapped, and Olivia could never forgive him now.

Fin and Olivia eased Rollins onto the edge of the bed. Benson knelt before her and removed the second cuff. "We'll get him," Fin promised.

But Rollins didn't seem to be hearing them. She stared off at the curtained window. Benson followed her gaze. "Amanda, what is it?"

Rollins shook her head. Olivia stood to meet Fin. "Bag these," she said under her breath, handing off the cuffs. "Check in, make sure the bus is on its way, and coordinate with back-up and CSU. But right now, you are the gatekeeper. No one else comes in this room."

"Copy that."

The gravity of their pursuit of Bucci crashed down on Olivia as she turned back to Rollins, the adrenaline finally giving way to exhaustion, but she knew it was nothing compared to the tremor crawling up to Amanda's shoulders. The door clicked shut behind them and Rollins startled, her nails digging into her thighs.

"Amanda," Benson gentled. "Look at me." Rollins jerked her gaze to Liv's on command, guarded. "Hey, no. Let's just relax. I am not your captain right now. This is just me and you. You are safe; can you feel that?" Olivia asked, crouching in front of her, cradling Rollins' biceps. Something in Amanda broke open; she keened forward, her forehead meeting Olivia's. "Shh. Okay, okay. I'm here."

Sirens whirred outside the room; Olivia recalled the overwhelming sensation of walking from the beach house into the mass of police vehicles, the scene taped off, everyone hovering at the edges.

"He said I was lucky," Amanda rasped finally, pulling away and staring up at the ceiling.

Olivia took hold of her hands, smoothing her thumbs at Amanda's knuckles. "Lucky?"

"We let Getz have his way with Bucci's girls, and Bucci left mine—" A sob broke free of Rollins, and she yanked a hand away to clap over her mouth.

Benson shifted to settle next to Amanda on the bed. "What did he do to you?"

"He was drunk, Liv. It didn't—"

"Amanda, he took you. He hurt you. There are no mitigating circumstances here, do you understand me?"

"He was scared, Liv."

"And you weren't?"

She was silent, and it was then that Benson took note of the misaligned buttons on Rollins' blouse. Anger surged fresh through her blood, panic stabbing sharp in her gut.

"Amanda," Olivia prodded, as if Rollins were Noah and not a detective. She tried to ignore the images that flashed through her mind, but so many years in SVU made it easy to catastrophize. "The paramedics will be here soon, and we're gonna take you in, get your head checked out."

Amanda sighed, resigned. "Yeah."

"Is there anything else we should be looking at?"

"No," Amanda said immediately, shoving off the mattress. "I just want to go home."

She was woozy on her feet. Olivia jumped up to steady her. "Take it easy. I know you want to be with the girls. I know you do. No one's going to keep them from you." Amanda nodded emphatically, avoiding eye contact, stumbling with the movement of her head. Olivia looped an arm around her ribs and guided her back to the bed. "Just take a minute, Rollins."

"I'm okay," she whispered.

"Amanda."

"God, you know, we do this every day, and it doesn't make this any easier." Amanda drew her legs up under her to a criss-cross, her head bowed. "You're smart, Liv, and you don't let things go. I know that. But please, please let this one go. Let me go home. I'll be okay."

"So there is more." Benson rested a hand between Amanda's shoulder blades, her stomach churning.

"There doesn't need to be."

"It doesn't just go away because we don't pursue it. You know that. You're smart too, honey."

"Liv, he just wanted his girls back. If something happened to Jesse and Billie, I would—"

"No. You have struggled to get here, and I think you forget that you matter, Amanda. I don't care why he did it. I love my son with everything I am. But that doesn't make it okay for me to hold someone hostage. It doesn't make it okay to assault them. Rollins, whatever Bucci did to you, tell me you know that you matter. You are not collateral damage. You didn't deserve any of this; it is not justified violence, Amanda."

"Look at all the time we had to spend because of me, all the resources. I just mess everything up."

"Hey." Olivia pulled Rollins close, blood and glass from Amanda's head wound pressing against Benson's neck. "You don't. I don't know what I would have done if…" She stopped short, heartsick. "You matter, Amanda. You matter to me, to us. You matter to those beautiful little girls."

Rollins hiccupped against her clavicle, a trembling fist in Benson's blazer. "Shhh. Breathe. I've got you," Olivia soothed, a fresh wave of sirens blaring outside.

It was a difficult balance, the power and duty she was obligated to and the deep need she felt to protect Amanda. Olivia had come in, her captain's armor shed as soon as they laid eyes on Rollins, but if there was more digging to be done, it was paramount that she do it now, before they were surrounded by a barrage of professionals and Amanda put up further defenses.

It went against every instinct Olivia had—first to think of Amanda as a victim, and then to force herself to push a victim who was still shell-shocked at the trauma she had endured.

"When was the last time you ate?"

Amanda sniffled. "That, uh, takeout we ordered, Fin and me."

"Water?"

"He wasn't very well prepared."

"Okay. So the alcohol…"

Rollins drew in a shaky breath and Benson squeezed her shoulder. "He didn't share. But yes, he did smash the vodka over my head at some point before he left."

"And the bruising on your jaw?" Amanda shrugged, and Olivia pulled back, framing her face. "Does it have something to do with the reason your buttons are misaligned?" Rollins opened her mouth, but was wordless, eyes trained on the headboard behind them.

"You know, we didn't talk about what—what Lewis did," Olivia said, forcing the words out. "Everyone was so fixated on the shooting, they were happy to skip over the details of what lead up to it."

"Liv, you don't have to…" Amanda's eyes met hers, tears burgeoning.

"It's okay. You were there. He had me strapped to that table, my pants undone. Before we started playing that awful game, he groped me. And he k-kissed me."

"You had that awful bruise across your cheek," Amanda recalled softly.

Olivia nodded. "I hesitated pulling the trigger. I walked into that, Amanda. I met up with him, knowing full well that nothing good would come of it for me. I told him to rape me."

"That doesn't make it okay," Amanda asserted fiercely, dipping her head. Olivia waited out the silence, swirling with uncertainty, shoving down the rest of the flashback.

It had been so agonizingly drawn-out, Lewis' assault, Amelia's whimpering in the background, the clicking of the hammer as they took turns pulling the trigger.

"Do you see?" Olivia said finally, tilting up Amanda's chin. A rap on the door interrupted them before Olivia could elicit a confession. Her hand fell to Amanda's knee. "Be right back, okay? Deep breaths."

Fin was waiting for her, a blurry mass of blues and reds flashing in the background. "Bus is here, CSU is ready to roll. We've shut down the complex, but no sign of Bucci."

"Good work, Fin."

"How is she?"

"Shaken. Her head's a mess; she can't stand on her own."

"You get anything out of her?"

"I'm working on it," she sighed, running a hand through her hair.

"You want me to take a turn?"

Kat's voice cut through the murmur of small talk as she came to meet them by the door. "Captain! How can I help?"

Benson rolled her neck along her shoulders. Time to put her chainmail back on.

"Carisi, hey." Jesse barreled into Olivia's legs, her small arms wrapped tight at Olivia's thigh. "Hi, sweet girl," Olivia murmured, bending to pick her up. "Did you have fun with Uncle Sonny?"

Jesse nodded, her eyes drooping. "Where's Momma?"

"She's in the other room waiting for us."

"She done working?"

"Yes, honey. But when Momma was at work, she got hurt." Jesse frowned, gripping the lapels of Liv's jacket. "She's okay, but you have to be gentle, hm?" Jesse nodded, squinting in her seriousness. Olivia stroked her knuckles at Jesse's jaw, mirroring her mother's injury. "Momma's got a boo-boo that looks ouchy, but she's okay."

"I see her?"

"Yes, baby. Let's go see her." Billie stirred against Carisi's shoulder and Olivia had the urge to snatch her away too, to steal them both away, fit a shield around the girls and Amanda and drown out the hurt of the world.

Olivia led them down the hallway to the corner room and brought her hand up to knock, then thought better of it. She eased the door open. "Rollins, you good? I have the girls and Carisi."

Jesse wriggled to get down. "Yeah," she called, voice tight.

"Go 'head, Jess," Olivia whispered, setting her loose. "But gentle."

Jesse's little hands braced against the wood, but it was too heavy for her to push.

"Let me help you, kiddo." Carisi nudged it with his shoulder and it swung wide.

"Momma!"

"Hi, baby girl." Benson boosted her onto the bed and then sat at Amanda's hip as Jesse scrambled into Amanda's lap. Amanda pulled her close and tears fell quickly, a faint blush crawling across her cheeks. "Oh, Momma missed you."

Jesse sat back on Amanda's thighs and reached up, repeating Olivia's gesture, skimming her fingers along the bruise at Amanda's jawline. "I'm okay, baby. We're gonna go home soon, right, Liv?" She trapped her daughter's fingers against her cheek.

They hadn't quite gotten this far earlier. The doctors were reluctant to discharge Rollins to an empty apartment with two tiny girls and no partner.

"Soon. We'll talk," Benson hedged. Alarm seized Amanda's eyes. "It's okay, I promise. They're not admitting you. There's just some…contingencies."

"Contingees?"

Rollins pulled Jesse closed and smiled against her scalp. "Rules for Mommy. Can you sit here, between me and Olivia?"

Jesse tucked herself into her mother's side, and Olivia gingerly pulled Rollins' IV out from under Jesse's small frame, draping it over the bedrail. "Carisi," she murmured, reaching for Billie, and he passed the baby. Olivia settled her on Amanda's chest, smoothing a hand at the base of Billie's skull. "There you go," she hummed, squeezing Rollins' forearm.

A quiet settled over all of them as Amanda breathed her babies in. Olivia's own heart ached for Noah, to hold him close and not let go.

"You gonna get that, Liv?"

"Hm?" Carisi smiled sympathetically. Her phone continued to ring. Fin, she saw as she pulled it out of her back pocket. "Carisi, uh…"

"Go, we're okay."

"I'll be right back," she insisted, thumbing to accept the call. "Benson."

"Hey, Cap." She stepped into the hallway, nearly colliding with a nurse. She waved an apology.

"Tell me you have him."

"We're working on it."

She sighed, ran a hand through her hair. "He's stupid enough to take an NYPD detective hostage, but we can't trace him? Phone, credit cards? What about his girls?"

"That's why I'm calling. Ivy slipped her detail or Bucci took her, we're not sure. But she's gone, Liv."

Benson tilted her head back against the wall and closed her eyes. "So we have nothing."

"I didn't say that."

"Damn it, Fin. Lead with that," she snapped. "I'm sorry. I—"

"It's okay. Everyone's a little jumpy right now. Ivy bought a bagel with the smartpay app on her phone. Kat's there now."

"That's great, Fin."

"How's Rollins?"

"Banged up, exhausted. The girls are here with Carisi now."

"Are they admitting her?" Benson pinched the bridge of her nose and started to walk the length of the hallway, mostly quiet at the late hour.

"No, they said they'll discharge her if I take responsibility for her care."

"And Rollins is okay with that?

"She's gonna have to be."

Fin chuckled. "You haven't told her."

"I'll get there. We'd just finished cleaning her up when Carisi got here."

"I'll keep you posted."

"Yeah."

"And Liv?"

"Yeah."

"Take care of yourself."

"You too, Fin."

She had prepared herself for a fight, had put it off even, the inevitable disagreement she and Rollins would have over her discharge. Olivia Benson was fully equipped for the Rollins women to hole up with them for a while, but she was just as willing to stay on Amanda's turf. Either way, it was an imposition for Amanda, an infringement of her space and her freedom. If nothing else, Amanda was predictably independent.

It was then unnerving when Amanda offered no resistance.

She had signed the discharge paperwork while Carisi swapped the carseats over to Olivia's car, nodding robotically as the doctor on call dictated aftercare instructions.

Now with the girls tucked in bed and Noah tucked into his sleeping bag, Amanda sat slumped over the counter in her kitchen turning over a bottle of sleeping pills in her hand. She tensed as Olivia's heels clicked against the floor.

"Hey, Rollins," she said softly, palms open as she joined Amanda. "So everyone's settled. How are you feeling?"

"Can you take these?" She held up the pill bottle. "They didn't even ask before they filled it."

"Of course." Benson closed her hands around the bottle and Amanda's hand, drawing the younger woman's eyes up. "Thank you for trusting me. With this and with…with all of it, Amanda."

Rollins worried at her bottom lip, her chest rising but not releasing. "Liv," she said finally, "I don't know how to do this."

"Do what?" Liv probed, though she had a hunch. Amanda, much like Olivia herself, had walls; out of necessity, at first, but now out of habit.

Amanda dipped her head, wavy hair falling to hide her eyes. The nurses had taken great care to wash it for her after they cleaned out her wounds. Most of the bleeding had been superficial, but she would have a peppering of scabs along her scalp for a while. What bothered Olivia most, though, was that Rollins struggled with even the small contact of the nurses' fingers in her hair, her jaw set, whole body rigid. Her knuckles were white where they wrapped the plastic chair.

"Amanda," Olivia tried again, "You don't know how to do what?"

"People don't love me," she whispered. "People…people leave, or-or they take advantage, but they don't." She stopped herself. "If they do, I screw it up. Maybe it's me, Liv. Maybe it's just me."

Benson pulled the pills away and set them behind her on the counter. "Let's sit," she encouraged, nodding her head toward the living room.

Rollins was steadier now but still Olivia tentatively trailed behind her. Amanda sank onto one end of the couch and drew a knee up to her chest, circling her arms tightly around her leg. The hesitation etched into her face was catching.

Olivia threw herself full tilt into everything. Her job, especially. She bore the scars as evidence. Slowly, she was learning to reassess where Noah was concerned. But here, with Amanda, she had uprooted his routine without thought, perhaps needlessly, if Amanda was going to push her away.

Tamping down her own insecurities, Olivia kept a careful distance between the two of them as she sat on the edge of the cushion. She smoothed her hands down her thighs, took a steadying breath. She'd jumped in the deep end, but someone had to start swimming back. She only hoped Amanda would allow herself to be pulled out of the water too.

"Amanda, I'm not going anywhere. And I know." She sighed, angled her body to the trembling detective. "I know you don't believe me, and that's okay. If that's what's triggering your panic right now, that deep-seeded urge to protect yourself by running or pushing or whatever it is your body is telling you? I'm here, I'll push through it with you. But if it's more than that, Amanda, if it's because I'm your boss and I've overstepped—"

"Liv, stop. Stop." Amanda unfurled herself and swiped under her eyes, but the tears continued to come.

"Amanda."

"I-I—" A deep cry tore from her chest, seeming to startle her, and she collapsed back into herself, her entire body wracking with the force of her sobs.

Olivia briefly debated her options and then stood abruptly, meandering back to the kitchen. She took the kettle sitting idle on the back burner and filled it at the sink, letting the sound of the water slow her heartrate. After igniting the burner, she returned to Amanda.

"Alright, let's just try and breathe." She traced circles on Amanda's back with the palm of her hand, applying even pressure, her bicep twitching at the awkward angle. It was a waiting game now. The panic, the anxiety, it had swallowed her, and her body had taken over. This Olivia knew. She'd ridden out enough of these jags on her own after Lewis, after Noah's kidnapping. She'd curled up and had one in the hospital stairwell after Melinda was shot. This was not new territory, but it was new to watch, helpless, as it wreaked havoc on someone she loved.

After a few minutes had passed, Olivia ran her hand over Amanda's mostly dry hair, tucking a few strands behind her ear. "Let's stand up," she murmured, already rising herself, but Rollins made no effort to join her. "You're need more air in your lungs. C'mon, Rollins. Trust me on this one." Amanda jutted a hand out in Olivia's general direction and turned her head to face her. "You're okay," Olivia said slowly, reaching to pull her up.

Amanda slowly unfolded and allowed herself to be dragged to the middle of the living room, the hyperventilation still claiming her.

"Good, good," Olivia praised, her fingers encircled at Amanda's wrists. "So let's try and breathe now, okay?" Olivia took one of Rollins' hands and positioned it where her ribcage ended, placing her hand on top. The other pair of joined hands she guided to her own stomach, settled over her diaphragm. Benson took an exaggerated breath, forcing their hands to rise with the air. An exhale, and their hands fell flat. Rollins looked to her, eyes red-rimmed and full of pain. "You can do it. In."

Olivia took another slow breath, and Amanda tried to mimic her. Her stomach contracted sharply and instant later. "That's okay. Try again," Olivia said gently, keeping her own breathing even. And so they continued, until finally, blessedly, their hands rose and fell on their bellies with matched rhythm.

"There you go. There you go." Olivia tugged her close and held on tight. "Come here. You're okay." She hadn't realized how tense she was until she felt everything release. She wasn't sure if her reassurances were meant for herself or Amanda.

"I'm sorry," Amanda sniffled, loosely hugging back.

"There's nothing to be sorry for." The kettle screeched; Amanda's shoulders tightened in response. "You're safe," Olivia reminded quietly. "I'm just going to grab that before it wakes the munchkins."

Amanda nodded and let Olivia step away without protest. Benson quickly made her way into the kitchen and turned the burner off, silencing the whistle of the boiling water. Amanda hadn't followed her, so Olivia was on her own to search for mugs and honey. She picked one for Amanda with Jesse's handprints squished onto the ceramic and the words Momma Bear looped on the other side.

She then retreated to the entryway where her duffel bag sat untouched and fished out the box of teabags she'd asked Lucy to pack. Rollins spotted her prize as she ventured back to the counter and fell in behind her.

"You had time to go shopping?"

Liv shook her head, pouring water over each teabag. "I always have these on hand. It's herbal, nothing strong. It'll just help your body calm down a little." In her periphery, Amanda nodded stiffly, her arms wrapped around her waist. Olivia stirred in a generous amount of honey and slid Amanda's mug across the counter. "I'm having some too."

Olivia put the honey back in its designated cabinet, along with the mostly full box of teabags. She picked up her own mug and blew across the surface of the liquid, the steam swirling up in front of her face. The familiar smell was grounding and the ritual of it eased the knot in her chest.

"You haven't overstepped," Amanda said without looking up. "I mean. I don't." She exhaled, clearly frustrated with her lack of articulation. "In Atlanta, I had a boss who was fond of me, who said he-he cared…"

"Oh, Amanda." Olivia hadn't even gone to that place in Amanda's past, not in this incident with Bucci, nor in her consideration of her boundaries. She had allowed her own trauma to taint her reaction, at a time when it was critical she remain open and objective.

"And I know that what happened there was wrong, and singular, and I know that you wouldn't…it's not even the same thing. I just. What I mean is that I don't trust people. But I believe you. That you're not going anywhere."

"You do?" The space between them felt odd, but Olivia would not again suggest they sit down.

"You have been more consistent than any member of my family has ever been. What you did today, what you're doing, Liv…I don't deserve it."

"You're right," Olivia conceded. "You deserve more than I can give right now, between work and Noah and my own insecurities."

"That's not what I—"

"I know, Rollins." She took a sip of tea. "I need you to do one thing for me." Amanda's eyes flitted up to hers. "I know it's hard, believe me, I do, but I need you to stop telling yourself you are unworthy."

At Amanda's silence, Olivia continued. "You are not broken."

"Liv."

"You are a survivor, Amanda. You can do this. And I will be right here."