I started this a looooong time ago when Absentia was first released but got stuck and ended up leaving it unfinished until recently. Also, I haven't actually watched season 2 yet so please no spoilers in reviews.
Many thanks to Andy for the brainstorming and beta on this, although it was so long ago that she probably doesn't even remember it. I'm the slowest writer ever.
Siansa
siansa: without (Dalmatian – probably ultimately from Latin 'absentia')
Chapter 1
[January 2005]
She kisses him for the first time on January ninth, the taste of salt on her lips and her cheeks painted with smudges of mascara.
She requested the day off and though Rick didn't ask, Kate isn't surprised he figured out why. He's observant and intuitive, she's learned. Knows her better than she knows herself most of the time. So she also isn't surprised when he shows up at her apartment, snowflakes tangled in his eyelashes and steaming to-go cups of hot cocoa in his hands.
He can tell she's been crying, red-rimmed eyes and a sad smile greeting him as she opens the door and allows him inside. He sets the beverages aside and wraps her in his sturdy embrace, but he doesn't apologize, doesn't try to tell her it's okay.
Her mother has been dead for six years. It will never be okay.
They separate after a long moment but he doesn't go far, cradling her head in his hand and gazing at her with such adoration, and she's kissing him before her brain can catch up with her heart and tell her to stop.
A small part of her knows this isn't right, that their first time shouldn't be shrouded in pain and the need for comfort, but she can't stop. Doesn't want to. She needs the distraction, needs to feel something other than crushing sadness. She thinks Rick probably knows that too, and he doesn't stop her.
Kate has never been one to rescind control but she lets him pin her to the bed with his hips, one hand holding both wrists above her head. Normally she'd be nervous, fighting against the restraint, but she trusts him – she's still not exactly sure how it happened, but she does – so she allows him to take over as she loses herself in the rhythm of their bodies and the press of his lips to her skin.
It's the first time in years she's truly allowed herself to feel, and it's both terrifying and exhilarating.
[...]
Rick spends the rest of the day with her, flipping through photo albums and listening to her stories, laughing and crying along with her. They tumble into bed together again that night and almost every night after, and Kate never imagined that the irritating, cocky author she'd bumped into one evening down in the archives would become the person she couldn't imagine living without.
He was there for research, he'd explained to her that night. A friend of Captain Montgomery and the Mayor, he'd used these connections to convince them to allow him to poke around some cold cases in search of inspiration for his next novel.
As it turned out, meeting her was the only inspiration he needed. He headed home that first evening and opened his laptop, the words flowing across the screen until morning dawned and his back ached. Six thousand words adorned the page that had been blankly taunting him for months.
All because of Kate Beckett.
When he confessed that she'd inspired his newest character she pretended to be affronted but deep down she was flattered and a little bit giddy that her favorite author thought she was interesting enough to base a character on. But his questions were constant and intrusive – it's research, Kate, he insisted – and she staunchly resisted at first.
She slowly found herself opening up to him, though, because in addition to his more annoying qualities, she was realizing that he's smart, easy to talk to, his storytelling captivating.
Less than three weeks later she was spilling her life story over cups of truly awful coffee from the Vice floor.
[...]
He offers to help her with the case. Johanna's case.
Kate is stunned at first, then defiant and stubborn. She isn't sure what she expected his response to be; certainly not this. But Rick is persistent. Her mom deserves justice, he argues. And as a mystery novelist, he's become adept at thinking outside the box, solving the most challenging of mysteries.
Kate wants to say no. She shared the facts of her mother's death with him, and that's already far more than she ever planned to share with anyone. But he's so sincere, so genuinely wants to help, and he never once offers with pity in his eyes.
It's that, more than anything else, that finally convinces her.
[...]
She doesn't mean to fall in love with him.
In fact, it's exactly the opposite of her intentions. Kate doesn't have time to be in love, and she certainly doesn't have the courage to open her heart to another person. She's still broken, still so fragile after the tragic loss of her mother, after nearly losing her father as well. He's sober now but just barely and they're still repairing their delicate relationship, healing the scars carved by five years of broken promises and shattered trust.
But somehow, Rick finds all the cracks and manages to sneak his way through the crumbling mortar, implanting himself firmly inside the walls fortifying her heart. And by the time Kate realizes it, it's already too late. She's still broken, still devoting herself to finding justice, but he loves her in spite of that. And when he's around, she feels a little less broken, a little more grounded.
She feels happy, even though she's not sure she deserves to. But she loves him for it.
She loves him more than she ever thought possible.
[...]
He doesn't mean to fall in love with her, either.
After Kyra – he's been with a handful of other women since she left, but none ever stood a chance of being more than a passing fling. It's been four years, but sometimes his heart still aches with the pain of losing her and he doesn't want to open himself up to that kind of agony ever again.
But Kate Beckett steals his heart before he even notices, and she's already in so far that he knows losing her will utterly wreck him.
[...]
They've been together for six months when it happens.
She gets lost in the case – not the first time it's swallowed her whole, but the first time Rick has ever seen it happen. She stays at the precinct late into the night, doesn't return his calls, forgets to eat, barely sleeps.
On the fourth day he finally shows up at the Twelfth, finds her down in the archives, and it isn't pretty. They yell and scream, hurl harsh words at each other and tear their hearts to shreds. In the end Castle leaves, alone.
She told him once that she has a tendency to get sucked into her work, but he doesn't realize the extent of her obsession until that day. That day when she chooses the case over him, over her own well-being. He hates that she can't find the answers she so desperately needs, and he loves her more than anything, but he can't watch her throw her life away like this. Not when she won't even acknowledge that she's drowning and pushing away every piece of dry land.
Kate nearly collapses the next morning at the morgue while listening to Lanie detail her autopsy findings on their latest vic. The ME sits her down, plies her with water and food – the first she's had in hours – and won't let her leave until she's spilled her broken heart across the metal room and cried her eyes dry of tears.
She's never needed her mom more than she does right now.
[...]
After her shift, she goes to see her dad instead.
Things are better now. He's going to work, going to meetings, and she's actually starting to believe that he can do this. That he can stay sober. She makes a point to visit often and they're almost getting back to the way things were before. Maybe even better, because she's no longer a rebellious teenager who rolls her eyes and ignores his advice. Sometimes she still doesn't like the advice he gives, but she's mature enough now to see the logic and wisdom in it.
She knocks Castle's door the two nights later, her father's words still ringing in her ears.
Mom would've wanted you to be happy, Katie. From what you're saying, this Rick sounds like he makes you happy.
He does. That's why I'm scared.
You think I wasn't terrified of wrecking our friendship when I asked your mom out? But it was the best decision I've ever made.
What if it doesn't work out?
What if you never give it a chance?
Dad.
You love him, Katie. And he loves you. So let him.
She's not sure she's brave enough to do that. But she's miserable right now and she doesn't want to go back to the way her life was before she met Rick so she supposes she can try.
"I'm sorry," she whispers the moment he opens the door. "I'm sorry, Rick. I need to find answers but," she shakes her head, swipes at an escaped tear, "I need you, too."
He holds her as she cries, whispering his love into her skin as she clings to him in desperation.
It's not the last time they have this same fight. It's a constant battle for them to find their footing as a couple, to separate the case from the rest of their life. Kate has a habit of spreading herself too thin, Rick notices; working long hours, visiting her dad, working Johanna's case, and being with him. Ultimately it always catches up with her and she crashes and burns rather spectacularly.
It's her personality, he knows. He's long since accepted that she's fiercely determined, often to the point of single-minded obsession. It's what makes her so good at her job. But Rick is also realizing her tendency for self-sabotage and her fear of happiness.
It's an ongoing challenge, utterly maddening at times, but as the months pass he thinks she's gradually beginning to believe that she can be happy. That she deserves to be happy.
He's glad she's finally beginning to accept it, because she makes him happy too. Happier than he ever thought he could be.
[...]
It's almost a year later when he asks her to marry him, and she doesn't even hesitate to say yes.
[...]
The pregnancy isn't planned. They've only been married a few months. And they've talked about this before. Kate's never wanted kids. She has a dangerous job and she's experienced first-hand how the loss of a parent can devastate a family. How it devastated her.
Rick isn't so sure himself, not too keen on the concept of parenthood after his own experiences as an only child of a single mother, lonely and bouncing from school to school, spending summers on the road with Martha's traveling theater.
When Kate shows him the test with trembling hands and tears in her eyes, Rick tells her it's her choice. But it isn't a choice, not really. Because it's not just her baby. It's theirs. And even though it's only the size of a lima bean, she already loves it so damn much.
[...]
It's a girl. She's born with a smattering of brown hair and Rick's bright blue eyes, and as Rick cradles them both in his arms in the hospital bed, Kate begins to see a different path unfurling before her eyes. Until now, her life has always been about finding the truth, finding justice for her mother. But maybe there can be more.
She's still determined to do her job, to make the world a safer place for little Lily. But she doesn't want her baby girl growing up without a mother, so she vows to take a step back from the case. They haven't gotten anywhere anyway and she already almost lost Rick over it, more than once.
She doesn't want to lose her daughter, too.
[...]
Montgomery promotes her to detective the following October, alongside Kevin Ryan from narcotics and Javier Esposito, a beat cop from the 54th. Castle shows up later that day with 16-month-old Lily, a bouquet of flowers, and a box of Kate's belongings to decorate her desk. Ryan and Esposito tease her immensely, but she's touched by her husband's thoughtfulness, presses a kiss to his cheek and cradles Lily in her arms.
It doesn't take long for their little girl to capture everyone's attention, leaving Rick to unpack the box and garnish his wife's desk as Kate and Lily make the rounds of the Homicide floor. It's not the most aesthetic assortment of items, but he knows she loves the nesting dolls from her semester in Kiev and the family of white elephants that used to be her mother's, the little ivory elephant from her father that now holds the $5 bill Rick brought back from Australia after his last book tour. He arranges them along the back of her desk, sets a family photo near her computer and puts her little stick man from Coney Island in her top drawer.
"Thanks," she whispers as she returns, setting Lily down and sinking into the old brown chair that rests next to her new desk.
As soon as she's on her feet, Lily reaches up and grabs the elephants from the desktop, babbling happily as she pulls them from the desk and sits down to play with them on the floor. She tugs on their trunks and their tails, dragging them around, and Kate never even knew they came apart, but then Lily is opening up the back of the largest one and pulling out a black and red cassette tape.
"Mama," she jabbers, knocking the tape against Kate's leg.
"What's this?" she asks, crouching down next to her daughter and carefully putting the elephants back together.
Huh.
Why would her mom have hidden a cassette tape in the elephants?
[...]
Ryan eagerly agrees to entertain Lily while Kate tracks down a cassette player so she and Rick can listen to the mystery tape.
What they hear is the absolute last thing she ever expected: the detective who worked her mom's case, Captain Montgomery, and an unknown third voice all speaking to someone they identify as Bracken.
Kate listens with one hand over her mouth, the other clutching her husband's fingers tightly between her own as the conversation progresses and Bracken admits to blackmail, conspiracy, and – eventually – orchestrating the murder of Johanna Beckett.
"Bracken?" she whispers in shock. "As in Senator William Bracken?"
"I've only heard him speak once," Rick admits. "I'm not sure I recognize his voice."
They head home with Lily and the tape and easily find a video recording of Bracken's last public speech. The voice is a match.
"What do I do?" Kate asks after Lily is tucked into bed that night. "I can't go to Montgomery."
"Internal Affairs?" Rick asks.
"I'm not sure."
She's never been in a situation like this before, has no idea how to handle it. All she knows is that she has the proof she's spent the last six years looking for. It's time for justice.
[...]
But justice never comes.
The next morning Kate hugs Lily, murmurs her love for her husband as she kisses him, and slips out of the loft to begin her second day as an NYPD Detective.
She never makes it to work.
And no one sees or hears from her again.
Thoughts?