Alternate Universe - Derek didn't die and is here to see Amelia's pregnancy, little did he know it wasn't her first.
I never thought I would get pregnant again after Christopher died, I never thought I could raise a child that wasn't him. I loved him so deeply for his short life and having another child always felt like I would be replacing him, forgetting about him. Still, here I am, pregnant with a baby boy, a healthy baby boy, and I feel guilty. I know now that what I feel for him cannot replace Christopher's memory, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.
Today would have been Christopher's 8th Birthday but the universe didn't even give him a chance. I made bad choices, but he shouldn't have been taken from me.
"Fuck!" I exclaim, walking out of OR 2, tearing my gloves and mask from my skin and shoving them in the trash. Mary Walker aged 32, my patient is going to wake up from her emergency brain surgery to find not only that her baby is no longer inside her, but that we couldn't save him. I watched Arizona doing the emergency C section as I try to stop her brain bleed. I watched as the babies heart wouldn't start to beat, I watched as they announced his time off death. Normally when a patient comes in with an emergency brain injury, I would be overjoyed to have performed a perfect repair. Any scenario where the patient wakes up with no permanent damage would be considered good, but this patient will wake up to find her husband and unborn child are gone. She is alone.
I make my way to the attending lounge, tears burning in my eyes, threatening to fall as I track through the corridors.
"Amy" Derek shouts after me, but I don't turn around, I just keep moving. The flood of hormones coursing through my veins and my hands remain tight in fists, needing to be away from patients when I break down. "Amelia!" he shouts again, just as I reach my destination, I shut the door behind me but he catches it, letting himself in before closing it safely. I slide down the wall until I'm planted safely on the floor and the tears can flow.
"I had a similar case when Meredith was pregnant with Bailey, it hurts more than normal but you'll be okay." He says simply. He doesn't try to diminish my feelings, he just expresses what he sees as his understanding. But the issue is, Derek doesn't understand, he can't.
"If anything happened to this baby I wouldn't survive. I couldn't get through that." I tell my brother, failing to control my breathing.
"Nothing is going to go wrong Amelia. You see all these things going wrong in a hospital and it's terrifying but it's not going to happen to you, I promise." He tells me, acting like he has all the answers. He is older than me, he has seen me fuck up multiple situations and always feels the need to show he is better than me. More experienced than me. To be the all knowing genius that he thinks he is.
"You can't promise that. I know you think you can protect me from the world but you can't."
"I know that. But the odds are in your favor."
"The odds? When have the odds ever been on my side? When dad was murdered? When I OD'd at 16 year old? When my best friend was diagnosed with Huntingtons and took her own life? When my fiance died in bed beside me? Or maybe when I found out I was pregnant with said dead fiancé's child? Or when I watched them take my baby away to strip him for parts because there was no way he could survive. The odds have never been on my side Derek. I can't do this." I sob, not realising I had said too much until it was too late. He just looks at me. He gives me the gaze, that same gaze that a doctor gives just before giving bad news. He carefully moves the chair next to me before sitting down at my side and putting his arm around my shoulder. I fall into his embrace and cry. I cry until I can't cry anymore.
"I'm sorry, I uh, I shouldn't have said all that." I say, wiping my eyes and standing up beside him. I wrap my arms around my body and stand timidly waiting for him to say something. Anything.
"You had a baby?"
"I named him after Dad. And then I said goodbye. He helped other babies."
"What happened?"
"Anencephaly. He had no brain. I'm a freaking neurosurgeon and my baby had no brain. Talk about a twisted sense of humor."
"Amy…"
"And I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I'm just kinda freaking out right now so I uh, I need you to be my brother, not my doctor." I sob, still stood up in the middle of the room.
After a few moments Derek joins me, standing up and wrapping his arms around me.
"Whatever happens, you and this baby are safe with me. I love you both and you're not alone. Come with me." He says, wiping my tears and placing a quick kiss on my head, like he used to when we were younger, when he would tuck me into bed. I follow my brother through the familiar halls, looking around for a hint at where we are going. After a few minutes of walking we get to skills lab.
"Derek what the hell? What are we doing?"
"We got an ultrasound machine put in here for training interns. Lay down." He instructs, motioning toward the bed. I consider debating his offer, deciding against the scan but it doesn't seem worth it, and I kinda do want to see my baby right now.
I roll up my scrub top, tracing my hands gently over the faint stretch marks left from my last pregnancy. Noone would know they weren't from this time, but to me they're a constant reminder of what was lost.
Derek gives me a quick warning before putting the gel on my stomach and moving the wand to its designated spot.
"He's perfect Amy, look." He reassures, telling me to look toward the monitor. He presses a button on the board and we hear the heartbeat, strong and healthy.
"He's beautiful."
"Now this machine doesn't print, because it's not supposed to be used on real patients, but we can take a photo of the monitor." Derek explains, taking out his phone to capture the moment.
"Feel better?" He asks, taking the wand to clean and put back but I grab his arm.
"Just a little longer?" I ask, wiping a few tears from my face. Cursing the stupid pregnancy hormones for making me all emotional.
"Of course."
"Thank you Derek."