As in Uffish Thought
Chapter 1
The Looking Glass
Christmas Day
11:30 PM
1991
Severus Snape, sitting alone in his office, felt much older than his years.
He normally did not mind staying at Hogwarts over the Christmas holidays, for though the children were in noisy spirits, and the headmaster more infuriating than usual, the only alternative was to spend Christmas in a cold, empty house on the edge of a broken neighborhood, amongst broken memories. The children at Hogwarts, though annoying, were at least distracting.
But now the day's festivities were long over, the feast cleared away, and the children in bed. Severus could not sleep, so all that was left was to brood over the cup of lukewarm tea and the unread potions journal that lay in his lap.
There was nothing, now, to distract him from that empty feeling that sometimes hollowed his insides- the sense that nothing was as it should be- that something important was lost.
Of course, Severus knew what had been lost. She had been lost- Lily had been lost. The single light in his dark life was forever gone. He would never spend another Christmas with her- never wander into her father's church and stand behind the pews during Christmas eve service, just to watch Lily line up with the other girls and play Carol of the Bells. He would never exchange homemade gifts with Lily, or see her eyes light up with joy at the sight of snow.
He indulged these memories for a time, but though such memories were supposed to be healing, they did not make the sense of wrongness disappear.
Severus wondered how he had managed to squander all that was good in his life in such short order. How had he allowed himself to be the Dark Lord's- no- to be fortune's fool? He lived, now, to make some atonement for the wreck he'd wrought when he'd given the Dark Lord the prophecy that sealed everyone's fate. Still, though Severus did everything that Dumbledore bid, he couldn't help but think that Dumbledore was giving him the wrong orders.
Severus shook his head. Such thoughts were nonsensical, and no doubt brought on by anxiety. He closed his book, put away his tea, and stood, determined to find some distraction to calm his troubled mind before dawn broke.
#
No distractions could be found in the empty stone hallways. Severus had hoped to amuse himself by frightening mischief-makers, but the children had been, evidently, too tired from the day's festivities to sneak out of their dorms.
So Severus wandered aimlessly, and soon he found himself in a certain hallway, before a certain door, behind which lay a certain artifact that the headmaster had particularly warned him against encountering.
"Ah, Severus," the old man had said. "You will find no solace in this mirror's glass. It would do nothing but open up old wounds."
"But," Severus whispered aloud, "what if the wounds never closed to begin with?"
Severus reached out and opened the door.
Behind the door, Severus found the distraction he'd hoped for earlier- a student out of bed. This particular student, however, only ever seemed to increase Severus's unease, however much he scolded.
Harry Potter was sitting in front of the Mirror of Erised.
The boy was staring into the mirror, clearly enrapt by what he saw within. He did not move- did not react when Severus entered the room and shut the door noisily behind himself. The boy just sat and gazed with a melancholy expression in his green eyes.
Severus winced internally at the pain that gripped him every time he saw those eyes. He looked away, up into the mirror's depths, and then stopped.
Severus gasped aloud.
Potter started and jumped up, but Severus did not notice. Severus, now, stared into the mirror's depths, astonished by what he saw.
The setting was unknown, but hauntingly familiar. Severus saw himself standing in a garden, under the eaves of a whitewashed gazebo. It was a summer day- the sun shone brilliantly all around him, and heavy bunches of heliotrope hanging around the mirror's frame.
Lily stood at Severus's left side, holding an ornate chalice in her hand. She smiled, the expression of purest love in her eyes.
Lily's presence in the mirror was natural; painful, but not unexpected. The presence on Severus's right side, however…
"Sir?" Harry said tentatively.
Severus blinked, but the image remained, unchanged.
James Potter- messy hair, robes askew, glasses and all- stood at Severus's right side, his fingers entwined in Severus's own. James held an ornate goblet like Lily's, and he, too, smiled.
For a moment, Severus could not breathe. He turned away from the mirror, a strange feeling burning in his heart.
"Sir?" Harry said once more in a frightened voice.
"Potter, what-" Severus began, but then he choked on the tears that welled up in his throat, and he had to stop.
"I- I couldn't sleep," said Potter in a panicked voice, apparently mistaking Severus's reaction for one of anger.
Severus took a deep breath and threw up his occlumency barriers as hard as he could, shielding his mind from his emotions.
"Obviously, you couldn't sleep," Severus said in a stronger voice. "Therefore, I suppose, the rules don't apply to you."
Whistling in the dark had always served as a crutch for Severus, and indulging in sarcasm helped steady his nerves for a time. But then Severus turned around and saw the defiance in those green eyes, and all of his composure was undone.
Severus lunged forward, grabbing Harry's shoulders. "What did you see, Potter, when you looked in the mirror?"
"I- I just saw myself, Sir."
Severus let Harry go and put his hand to his head as a sharp pain seemed to pierce his skull. He took a deep breath, steadied himself, and tried again.
"Potter, it is foolish of you to lie to me. I hardly need tell you that this is no ordinary mirror. This is a valuable magical artifact- not a child's toy. If you have done anything to damage the mirror…"
"I haven't done anything! I didn't even touch the mirror. I was only looking."
"Then why does it show things that shouldn't be there?" Severus all but shouted. Then he looked back to the mirror- saw James and Lily still there, by his side- and that strange warmth swelled once again in his chest.
James tilted his head, his mouth twisting into a cocky grin as though to say, "of course I should be here."
"Potter- do you know what this mirror does?"
"It shows you people who have … who have passed on?"
"Read the text above the mirror backward, Potter. Those who seek the hidden secrets of magic should always be looking for riddles. This mirror is supposed to show you your heart's desire." Severus swallowed hard and turned away from the mirror once more. "I will ask again; what did you-"
"What did you see, Sir?" Harry said hotly.
"I saw myself enjoying a quiet evening, away from you chattering dunderheads," Severus snapped. "Ten points from Gryffindor for being out of bed. Now- away with you, before I take more points."
Harry bolted for the door, and as he moved away Severus spotted something silvery and soft piled on the floor where Harry had stood. A lump formed in Severus's throat as he recognized the object, though he could not recall how he recognized it.
"Potter, wait. Is this your cloak?"
Harry rushed back and grabbed the cloak off the floor, bundling it into his arms as though to shield it from Snape's gaze. "Yes- it's… it not important."
"This cloak is a powerful magical artifact, and you left it bunched up on the floor. Where did you get it?"
"It was my father's," Harry said. His green eyes burned with defiance, as though daring Snape to take it from him.
For a moment, Severus had the urge to kneel down and try to soothe the child's anger. Instead, he stood straighter, and put all the authority he could into his voice.
"You are too young to possess such a thing, but if it was truly your father's, then it is yours by right. I expect you to take better care of the cloak in the future; do you understand?"
"Yes, sir," Harry said sullenly.
"That's all, then. Go back to your dorm, before I take another 10 points."
Harry turned and ran from the room.
Severus moved to follow, and then paused, turning back to the mirror.
"You are my enemy, James," he whispered. "You took her from me. You don't belong here."
James did not disappear in a puff of logic. Instead he leaned closer to Severus- his dark eyes smoldering, and his lips turned up in that infuriating grin.
The warmth in Severus's chest kindled, and it felt nothing like the flames of hatred.
Severus looked once more at Lily, trying to find that old sense of jealousy. Lily, however, returned a look of such tenderness that jealousy would not come.
So Severus left the room, shut the door, and returned to his dungeon, where he fell into confused and feverish dreams.