PART 1:
A/N: Hi, everyone! This is my first fanfic ever, and I've been contemplating whether to post it or not – but we only live once, right? So here we are.
I feel like the writers robbed us from a bit of Amanda and Olivia bonding in "Forgiving Rollins". So therefore, I have tried to make up for that by writing my own little version of the scene with Fin and Amanda at the bar.
Anyways, enough with the formalities, here it is – part one of two. Hope you like it :)
"You can't get away from yourself by moving from one place to another." ― Ernest Hemingway
"No, no, I'd like to be the gentleman here, but that one has an axe to grind. I mean there's reasons why she left Atlanta."
Five years. She had kept her mouth shut for five years. It had been a desperate attempt to preserve whatever amount of dignity she had left. A need to keep the embarrassment hidden from the world. From everyone she knew. And as time had passed and she had moved to New York, leaving every memory of Georgia behind, she had been sure that she had succeeded in her mission.
She had slipped up when she had first come to the city. Revealing to Olivia that something had happened on the job, but it wasn't worth pursuing. The brunette had never mentioned it again, never asked her about it, and a part of her – thought exceptionally small – had wanted her to. She had wanted to reach out to the older detective and tell the rest of the story on multiple occasions after that. Spilling every excruciating detail about the worst night of her life, but she had never quite had the courage to go through with it. Always concluding that her boss had other, more important, things to do with her time than listen to her detective's pathetic sob story.
And now he was there. Deputy Chief Charles Patton in New York. Forcing his way back into her life, like nothing had changed. Like she had never left Atlanta. It had taken every last bit of strength inside her to get herself together enough to watch him from her sergeant's one-way mirror. Hoping with all her might that he wouldn't mention their history and keep talking about Reese and the situation in question.
But of course, he would bring it up. She had been a fool for thinking otherwise. She had frozen when he'd mentioned her name, not sure if she should leave the room at that moment. But decided it would be too suspicious with her entire team standing right beside her. Although she knew full well they were hearing the exact same things as her.
"Well. She got around."
At that statement, she felt shivers moving all the way down her spine and bile rising in her throat. She knew where this was going. It was only a matter of time. A matter of time before her squad would know about her disgusting past, about how she had actually been willing to have sex with that man to help her sister. And worst of all it would only be a matter of time before Olivia would be proven right. Amanda was unreliable and could in fact not be trusted.
She hadn't looked up to see her colleagues' faces while he had been talking. Her eyes boring into the man sitting in front of Chief Dodds, listening to her old Chief telling him about the one thing nobody was supposed to ever find out.
"You ask her about the time she threw herself at me to save her sister. Offered me things that made my eyes water."
Just like that they knew. And everything she had tried to keep up since her arrival in New York came crashing down all around her. It felt like her world was on fire.
She had wanted to laugh at the absurdity of Nick's comment following Patton's exit.
"No one's gonna buy a word he says."
He had said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. It almost made her feel sorry for him – it was clear how badly he wanted to believe that what the Deputy Chief had said about Amanda had been false. And for a split second she wanted to let him live in that fantasy world for a little longer. But she had nothing to lose at that point, so she told him the only truth she knew.
"Actually, back home, pretty much… everyone does."
That had been enough for her breaths to suddenly become shallow and the room started closing in around her. She had to get out of there and it could not go fast enough. Fin tried calling her name but she dismissed him, not wanting him to see her like that. On her way to the anxiety attack she was sure would follow. She had run as fast as her legs would allow her and wanted to get as far away as she could possibly come.
Olivia had stepped out of her office by then asking Fin if he knew where his partner had gone. The concerned look covering her features was evident.
"I have no idea, but I'll be surprised if she's still in Manhattan," he said knowing full well that Amanda's destination was nowhere in the vicinity. To say he was concerned about his partner's well-being was an understatement. "But I'll go looking for her right now." He grabbed his jacket of his chair and had started to walk towards the doors of the precinct when he was stopped by Olivia's voice.
"No, I'll go, Fin. You hold down the fort until I get back, okay?"
The sergeant went back to her office to get her coat off the hanger, but suddenly realizing she didn't have a clue as to where the blonde detective might have run off to. "Where do you think she would go?"
"Must likely? A bar with a lot of whiskey," he half joked, a sad smile forming on his lips.
Olivia's face fell knowing full well he was probably right.
There she was again. Drowning her sorrows in liquor. But in her defence it was better than a trip to Atlantic City. That much she had been able to convince herself of. She had never felt as exposed as she did in that moment. The looks on her squad's faces. It was pity and she wouldn't have any of it. She couldn't.
She knew Fin was probably already on his way, having been send by Olivia to go look for her. He would find her, seeing as he was well aware of her coping mechanisms and it wouldn't take him long to pinpoint her location. Even out there. She wasn't even sure where there was, all she knew was that it was a hell of a long way from her precinct.
She was so focused on the thoughts swirling around her brain that she didn't see her sergeant entering the bar and approaching the table Amanda was seated at. Amanda's head shot up when she realized someone was sitting across from her only to be met with the kind brown eyes of her boss. She quickly looked back into her glass staring intensely into its content.
Olivia. She was the only person Amanda didn't want to see at that moment. The younger woman was displeased to say the least. Not because she didn't want to be around the brunette. But because she was certain that the half assed story she had planned on giving Fin and Nick wasn't going to fly with the experienced sergeant.
"What are you doing here?" Amanda asked in the most casual tone she could manage.
"I was worried about you," Olivia answered calmly. "And I wanted to tell you that you aren't alone, Amanda."
Amanda. Her first name sounded foreign in her sergeant's mouth. But it was still enough to get the blonde to lift her head so she was face to face with the older woman.
Olivia had her full attention as she continued. "And I wanted you to know that I'm here for you and to listen whenever you're ready to talk about what happened between you and Patton," she said too casually for Amanda's liking. It was as if Olivia already knew what had transpired in the filthy motel room in Atlanta.
Amanda felt her breath hitch in her throat at the mention of that name. She couldn't talk about that night nor did she want to. Not to anyone. Especially not to Olivia. A woman she looked up to so much. And respected so much. She couldn't know how weak she had been just laying down on that bed because he had told her to. She hadn't fought. She hadn't said no. She had given up. And now she had to deny it. There was no other alternative.
"I don't know what you're talking about. There's nothing to tell. He just said those things to get out of talking about Reese. I'm fine," her voice becoming unsteady at the last remark. She didn't even convince herself she was fine and she was sure Olivia most definitely didn't believe that either.
"Right." There was no tone in Olivia's answer. No judgment whatsoever. But that seemingly innocent word let Amanda know what she already feared. Olivia knew she was lying and she wasn't going to let this one go.
"I really am. So, you can go now." She wasn't budging and Amanda could tell with complete certainty that neither was Olivia. That was the downside of being two strong, but stubborn women.
"I'm not leaving, Amanda." Olivia's eyes met her own and held more tenderness than she would have thought possible.
There it was. She had known it would come. Olivia using her victim tactics on her. Letting her know that she was in her corner and had no plan to leave her alone. It always worked and the sergeant knew it. And it was almost enough to make Amanda spill the secret she had protected for years now, though not quite.
"Why not?" She sounded desperate now, her own voice betraying her. Her calm exterior had disappeared long ago and she was only holding herself together by a thread. "Nothing happened," she uttered in a whisper.
"I don't believe that. And I don't think you do either," Olivia cocked her head to the side. She was good, Amanda had to give her that. "I've been doing this for a long time, Amanda."
"Good for you," she replied defensively. She would keep up her facade for as long as it took for Olivia to see that she wasn't worth the fight.
Olivia however didn't look bothered by the comment and continued like nothing had happened. "I can see that you're hurting. And I want to help you in any way that I can. But for me to do that, you need to talk to me."
"I can't," she said hoping the older woman would drop the subject.
"Why?" Olivia obviously wasn't letting this go and Amanda knew it. Her boss wasn't going to move, no matter how she tried to drive her away.
"Because you wouldn't understand!"
It was getting harder for Amanda to keep up appearances. But she couldn't tell Olivia that she had brought it on herself. The woman who had been to hell and back was sitting in front of her trying to get her to talk about something that was her fault anyway. It wasn't fair to her.
"Try me." Olivia was patient as ever. And a big part of Amanda felt terrible that she was wasting Olivia's time on herself instead of it being used for someone who deserved it.
Nevertheless, she decided she had to get it off her chest once and for all. "I– I think..." She didn't know if she could say it out loud.
"What do you think, sweetheart?" The pet name almost had Amanda bawling her eyes out on the spot, but weirdly enough it also gave her the courage she had been looking for ever since Olivia had arrived.
"I think– I think he raped me." The words tasted bitter in her mouth and she cringed at herself. The second they had left her mouth Amanda wanted to take them back. She knew full well that it was exactly what he had done, but saying that made the whole thing so final. She kept looking her sergeant in the eyes not knowing what to do next, quietly asking for guidance.
"You think or you know?" There was absolutely no judgement in Olivia's voice like she had feared there would be when the brunette had first asked her what had happened. No indication that she didn't believe what Amanda had just confided in her. But by the question it was clear to Amanda that Olivia knew there was more to it.
"I– I know," she breathed. She felt defeated and had no idea what this confession would mean for her but she had kept quiet long enough. It was time to confront her demons. "He raped me." She nodded her head, shrugged, and bit her lip as another escaped tear ran down her chin.
"Concealment makes the soul a swamp. Confession is how you drain it." — Charles M. Blow