Chapter 1 ~ Not ready to break

My life is never peaceful and quiet.

There's always something to do. A scraped knee here, a head wound there, someone used the 3DM gear for the first time and had to throw up, everything is possible and happens on a daily basis.

But I do my job with passion, otherwise I wouldn't be a nurse.

And I don't think that I'm the only one who does not have a peaceful life around here. I am absolutely sure that I'm not the only one.

I hear the crying at night, the screams when they wake up from a nightmare. I saw countless of bodies, comrades and friends.

Life is not easy at the Survey Corps headquarter. It's hard to breath in here, the fear almost suffocates you.

But there's no way to change that than fight. Fight for your life, your freedom. Fight for the freedom of all humanity.

I wasn't born to become a soldier. My body is too small, I'm weak, with almost no muscle strength and I bruise easily. So instead I tried to help by becoming a nurse. To help those people who a strong enough to fight, who are courageous enough to go behind the walls. Who are better than I am.

Just sometimes I wish, that I could get some moments to breathe and collect my thoughts. To sort everything through and cope with my own struggles.

Here, in the HQ, there's no time for that. Here you need to move and keep moving or everything else will bypass you and you are left behind. In the HQ you don't stop. You keep working. You keep fighting.

And that's what I will do. Even if it breaks me one day. Let's just hope that this day lays far ahead in the future. I'm not ready to break yet.

"The wound is clean now. I put a little band aid on it, you can probably take it of tomorrow. But you're are going to stay overnight, so I can make sure that everything's right with your head. You don't seem to have a concussion, but you can never be sure, right?" Winking at the young girl, I close her file, and step away from her bed.

She's young. So young.

Her file said that she's seventeen. Five years younger than me, but I can already see the horror and terror behind her eyes, staining her soul.

I'll pray for her.

Maybe she does have a concussion and she can't join the next expedition.

In only five days Commander Erwin wants to go outside again. It will be the first expedition for many of them and sadly, many won't come back.

"Thank you, Miss." Her voice wakes me up from my thoughts.

"Oh, just call me Nona. If you need something ring the bell beside your bed. Good night." Smiling at her once again, I step outside the room and close the door behind me.

Massaging my temples, I go and sit behind my desk and look at her file again.

Thankfully the HQ could provide a good infirmary. I have ten tiny rooms for patients that are filled with a bed and a little closet, and a front room where every person has to go through first to go to the patient's room. That's where I have my 'front desk' with every important paper and file, I can see who enters the infirmary and who goes out and I can hear every bell that's over the doors of the rooms. Every time a patient needs something, they can just ring the bell and I will come to them.

There's an eleventh room that's slightly bigger that I use as my own, so that I'm always near if someone needs help.

And Hanji has her lab just down the hallway.

I really like her. Her personality is the opposite of mine, but that's what I really like about her. She's so bubbly that you just have to like her!

In my first days at the HQ she was the first and only one to talk to me and I'm glad she did. Otherwise I would be all alone here. And everyone needs someone to talk to.

The only other person who talks to me is Erwin and he has to do it because he gets weekly reports from me. He also knew my brother, so I have a feeling that he kind of feels obligated to take care of me but that's ridiculous.

With my own kingdom in the HQ I don't really go outside. If I have time I go to the dining room and eat something, but usually Hanji brings me something.

That doesn't really help me and my reputation because no one ever sees me. The ones who had to come to my infirmary know me and they know that they don't have to be afraid of me or my needles, but the usually forget that quite quick.

So, my life is pretty friendless. Except Hanji.

I just love that crazy woman.

And maybe Erwin? I know that he had a good friendship with my brother, but I always behave weird around Erwin.

Just thinking about my few friends, one of them is barging into my infirmary right now. Nope, it's not Erwin. He would be too graceful to barge in. It's the titan-woman. Hanji.

"Nona! How was your day?" She grabs one of the chairs that stand beside the door to provide some kind of waiting room and sits down in front of me.

"As always I guess."

"Well, you need to come outside more. I can tell that your skin shouldn't be this pale." She takes my hand in one of hers and checks my skin "Your freckles! Almost gone! You need to see the sun again!"

"Hanji, I do see the sun. We have windows."

"That's not the same. I have a theory that the sun is providing an energy boost to humans that makes them feel better. The theory applies to titans too but I need to prove that first!"

"Sounds logical. Especially because everyone is feeling so depressed in winter and titans move slower at night."

"YES! Thank you! That's why I like talking to you, you are just as smart as me!" The crazy woman grins at me and lets go of my hand "Seriously though, you should come outside. Tomorrow we're having a party because of the upcoming expedition. You have to come!"

Ah, a farewell party. Hanji doesn't like it when I call her parties that, but that's what they are. A reason to see one another again and have fun together because it could be for the last time. Many of the cadets appreciate the party and the booze.

I don't like them. They remind me of all the soldiers that we already lost and the many we will lose.

Sighing and opening the file that I have in front of me, I take a pen and write in my scribbled handwriting 'concussion' under the field for the patient's medical certificate. At least one soldier will survive the next expedition.

Here in the HQ you keep fighting, there's no time to rest.

But I, as the head nurse, have the power to give some soldiers time to rest and heal. That's what I will do.

Broken things can be fixed and if I am the one who has to do it, I will.

I am not broken yet and I will fight for the health of ever soldier the Survey Corps have.

A/N

Hello everybody! Thank you for trying out my fanfic!

The story just kinda popped in my head while re-watching the anime. I'm not sure what timeline I will follow, it's definitly AU, so I will mix thinks up!

Also, English is not my first language, I'm German, and I will make mistakes. If you see something, however minor it will seem, tell me. I want to get better at writing and improve my English.

Thank you very much!

Love, Ela