I do not own Naruto.
This fic is dedicated to Futago no Seishi, Lil PurplFlwr and Rasengan22
Special Thanks to ystava.
The Med Student Rants
Naruto Uzumaki is a Med student. He is a fan of naruto manga. This fic comprises his rants after he finished reading the manga.
Warning: This is a too (stupid?) deep article, do not use in fanfictions, keep out of children's reach and carefully read the package insert; it can cause life-threatening side effects such as intense headache, nausea, vomiting and/or desperate questioning of your place in the universe.
From,
Naruto Uzumaki (Id: 10110045)
Kyoto Medical School,
601-8478 Kyoto Prefecture, Kyoto, Minami Ward,
Japan.
Hey ya'll,
Chirpy morning, eh?
Have you guys read the manga called naruto? I for one (used to) love it. That has nothing to do with my name being Naruto or me looking painfully similar to the one in the manga. Also, pardon my french, but what the fuck is up with the manga's ending? The sheer amount of queer baiting and ends with a what?
I say, anticlimactic.
Random Konoha civilian: Happy days! Konoha is fun!
Orochimaru: Hi.
Civilian: Oh no.
Orochimaru-Destroyed.
Civilian: Happy days again, yay.
Akatsuki: Hi.
Civilian: Well, fuck.
Akatsuki-Destroyed.
Repeat the same recipe with Madara, Zetsu, Obito, and finally Kaguya milf Otsutsuki. Season with a spoonful of atrocious jutsus for taste.
15 years of suffering. The villagers obliterated so many villains. Whoop de fucking doo. It's hedonism time. How should they have fun?
Drugs(weed)? This is not Canada. So, not an option. Therefore, a fellow citizen with no access to pornhub might have suggested—
Lets have a fucking orgy ~~ falala!
Right. They needed some. Else, they'll end up writing Kama Sutra II, the extra exotic version. Written and illustrated by - Yours truly, the residents of Konoha.
Katon, kiss my ass no jutsu. Kuchiosex no jutsu.? FTW!
But, that's not even the tip of this homoerotic iceberg. The Naruto and Sasuke not becoming canon!
Firstly, Ok fuck muffin, for one I get that it's a shonen manga and you can't canonize stuff like that, but you could have gone for an open ending?
Secondly, ok you decided against canonization of the obviously canon pair, but why was there a need to have an orgy? Pal. That makes even lesser sense than the Law of Inertia.
How did that shit even go down? I have pretty radical theories about this. (go get some chips, 'tis gon me long)
One fine day someone probably summoned an Indian priest to set up an auspicious time for an orgy. Then, the partners were chosen at random using a dice or a paper bag filled with chits on which their names were written. (Fuck the laws of conditional probability and combinatorics, we choose partners at random like men)
*Ruffle* *Ruffle*
The chit says Sasuke. They ruffle next time and pick a chit and unsurprisingly the next chit is "Naruto," (Duh.)
The chit dude is like, Na na na nu-uh. Not possible. So, the next person will mate with Sasuke and the next next person mates with Naruto, Ok, everyone?
Now you know why it ended how it ended.
So in the last stages I entered this generic 'w.h.a.t.' phase that had me go vaguely numb because nothing made any sense anymore.
God, someone sedate this mangaka.
So, First of all. What the fuck?
Second of all also..What the FUCK?
I always admired Naruto because he was all "I hate peeps who lie ta themselves, bruh" and "Sascutey Imma save you from the darkness, bitch"
And Sasuke?
Don't get me started on Sasuke.
I am getting started on Sasukey. Also known as the key to Naruto's heart. Mama mia.
Have you seen him in the manga? Sure, he is attractive.(Hot, damn) But the point I'm trying to make, you imbeciles, is that have you like, seen seen Sasuke in the manga?
Let me just use five scenes(arcs?) to elucidate this (wonderful) phenomenon also known as Uchiha Sasuke. (ft. subway-fresh bromance with Uzumaki Naruto)
Scene 1: Pre shippuden Era. Kinda friendship/bromance also incidentally the part where you cry the least tbh.
Did you feel the winds of repressed attraction about to wreck the roofs of the manga?
Scene 2: Vote Battle. AKA Descent of the homoeroticism.
Sasuke, why was there a need to put your face like three inches away from an unconscious Naruto's face? It also seemed like a very long time. I thought Uchihas were aloof, distant and shit? Where's your sense of personal space now huh, arsehole?
Scene 3: The fateful meeting. Also known as the birth of UST. Unresolved Sasukexual Tension.
Normies hit puberty. Sasuke and Naruto beat the shit out of it.
Besides, darling Sasuke-chan, I don't get your need to look at Naruto like either you are a raging psychopath or a female shoujo manga protag who just got confessed. Please settle somewhere in between. You're scaring (scarring?) the hoes.
Scene 4: The fateful meeting: Reloaded. The scene where Naruto hyperfuckingventilates after knowing Itachi's story and the reunion after Danzo's death.
( Serving each other the looks + Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata playing in the BG the entire time)
See, throughout the shippuden arc Sasuke was so damn aloof, it makes you question the existence of his facial muscles and their workings. Especially the occiopitofrontalis muscle. Wait, occio-what? I'm a med student, deal with it.
To be honest, I had a conspiracy theory about how, due to excessive usage of sharingan your face kinda jacks up and you are unable to smile or just have a stuck up ragey look on your face. I thought this lonely king of dispassion hardly had any emotion.
However, as expected of Sasuke, after he and Naruto meet, he laughs like a crazy motherfucker that he is and...
And? (Bass drop.)
What the actual fuckety fuck?
When Naruto starts talking, his expressions, I was like bro, son, dude, cunt, Sasuke, my guy, calm the fuck down. Your (gay) feelings are showing.
Scene 5: The Final (wistful + lustful) battle. Seasoned with graphic depictions of HARDCORE love, ft. the (lack of) Upper and Fore-arm bones.
In other words, the chapter known as 'It took 698 chapters, 15 years and almost half my life to reach this point but it might have been worth the suffering.'
See, during/before the transpiration of the aforementioned scenes, If you listen and watch closely, you can almost hear Sasuke (and a few birds) stating Narutic philosophy axioms on par with Socrates. Circa Ancient Konoha:
1. My one and only. (One and only what? Bread? Bagel? Spaghetti? Soulmate? Y'never know)
2. Did you not h.e.a.r me? Only I can break him into a pulp.
3. Fuck Naruto but also FUCK Naruto. (Raw me.)
4. Let me protect you with my susanoo.(1000's of ninjas maybe dead but romance sure isn't)
5. Naruto is my waifu. Period. (Bold of you to assume he can be anything else.)
6. Naruto = KFC (Finger lickin' good)
And he is all "I don't know, lads, although I'm an introvert, avenger, (Ore wa fukushusha da, mofo's) and I've given up on the world, but for you horcrux, my body moved on its own baby.
Furthermore, he also confessed his love to the god. That part where six paths sennin (tattoo lord) asked him what naruto was to him, he replied with a
"Naruto was a bro, when everyone else was a hoe, even fate."
With a saskesque face. A sasukesque face is a normal face but with more repressed hate/grotesque. The grotesque could be directed at anybody who is not Naruto and Itachi.
Damn you, he even compares Naruto to Itachi.
And that part where: After the final(erotic) battle, despite Sasuke being an ( angsty - I am absolute - winning is everything -) Uchiha dude admits that he lost? L.O.S.T?
It's called GAP MOE. Look it up, cunts.
Translation: My love for Naruto can obliterate the hate that has been harboring in an Uchiha body for hundreds of years, since the start of ninja verse 1 A.D (death of tattoo giving bloke). The hate cycle may Goeth fucketh thyself, nothing can come between him and Naruto.
I almost spit my ginger-ale when I read that part back then, you reckon?
When Sasuke and Naruto look at each other, I dunno what you've felt, but to me it seemed like they were looking at each other with this constant stare of lowkey arousal. Sasuke's is more repressed because yeah-well its an uchiha thing.
And the final nail on the coffin is matching tattoos. (Hear the titanic theme playing in the BG?)
Look, I wasn't exactly expecting Naruto and Sasuke to hold hands and dash into the sunset. (or may be I did)
But, as an AU Naruto I can tell you this, when I read the fucked up ending I was so smad. (smad = sad + mad) I heard multiple earthquakes of doom vibrating in the distance, planet earth was unsettled too.
But be whatever, even in 2079 if one had to summarize naruto in two words it would always be:
NARUTOOOOO!
SASUKEEEEEE!
So yeah, simply put, sasunaru for life. (Yes, I shall let him top this one time.)
Aight, I'mma head out. Cheerio!
Love,
Naruto
Please review?