The Devil, being Himself, was bored.
"Bored to death", he grumbled to Pitchfork which rolled its eyes at the corny joke and muttered angrily under its breath "Next time, Da Other One gets the Vote!."
Hell was boring nowadays. There was nothing devilish about it anymore, what with this lock-down, that God in His Superior Wisdom had imposed! It was beginning to grate on Devil's nerves. "Stay in your own pit"! "Rub Pitchfork with sanitizer"! "Wash horns and claws with soap"! "Soap! For Hell's sake!" thought Devil disgustedly, looking down at his flaming paws. This was surely the last blasted nail in all of Hell's coffins!
"I have had it! I am gettin' me out of here like a bat outta Hell"! he muttered and one fateful day, breaking curfew (being the Devil that he was), he grabbed Pitchfork; and with paws in his claws, he rushed out of Hell and fell, hurtling straight down to Earth…and landed with a thud in the middle of Peachtree Street; with the Civil war, of course, raging in the background.
Being the wily Devil that he was and a quick study, he looked around, saw where he was and picking himself up on his paws, quick as a flash, changed into Gray. Changed into a handsome coat and suit of gray broadcloth that is! Complete with wide black cravat and frilled shirt to boot! Rocking a holster and belt and silver spurs a-gleaming along with a shining scabbard slapping against his thigh (aka Pitchfork), he marched off down the street; looking as handsome as the devil himself!
Melanie with her Big Brown Eyes was sitting on an old wicker chair, out on the front of her porch, her slender hands busily knitting a scarf for Scarlett. Her sweet heart shaped face was creased with worry for she was lost in thought. Ashley's birthday was around the corner and she had not yet come up with a good gift for him. "It is a devil of a job to get good things nowadays!", she sighed to herself, "what with the war and all!" She had been racking her brains trying to come up with something special for Ashley. After all, she loved him so! "He MUST have something very special", she thought fretfully.
And raising those famous Big Brown Eyes to the cloudy skies above, she pleaded for divine help. "God or Lucifer's alike", she said aloud.
Right about then, looking down the street, her eyes happened to fall upon Devil and his spanking, brand-new Gray coat, replete with shining spurs and scabbard et all.
"Speak of the Devil and here I am", said Devil in a mincing tone, flashing his polished cuff links in her sweet heart shaped face.
"Oh my!", thought Melanie, awestruck. "Now, THAT, is a handsome devil if ever I saw one!"" And just look at that broadcloth his coat is made of! So soft and fresh and GRAY! And he is Ashley's size and build too!" "Oh!" she thought desperately, "if only I could get that coat for Ashley"!
The Devil, being Himself, of course, could read her thoughts like a book. Grinning a devilish grin, he thought wickedly, "This looks like fun! I am going to have me a devil of a time!"
And skipping merrily up to the house, he pounced upon Melanie. "Good afternoon, Madame", he said with a sweeping bow," I bring you greetings from the Devil himself"!
"Oh! Good sir! "cried Melanie. "In that dashing new coat and all, I swear, you... you…why! you look dressed to kill"! she gushed! "It's cut so fine and every stitch so elegant! I dare say, it must be expensive! Versace perhaps? or Chanel?", she inquired, casting admiring glances at it.
"Neither, Madame!", replied the Devil, rather haughtily. "Surely, you must know, the Devil only wears Prada! "But, my dear lady! what interests me more," he cooed, with a devilishly diabolical glint in his eye, "is what a fine young thing like you is wanting, with broadcloth and such when it ought to be taffeta and silk that your pretty heart desires?"
"Ah, Sir! But you speak with a forked tongue! You do!", cried Melanie unhappily." Surely, you must know, that you'd need the luck of the devil himself, to get anything decent to wear nowadays"! "Now, just looking at those new duds on you breaks my heart! Oh! What I wouldn't give to have a coat like yours, to give to my husband on his special day!", she cried, tears pooling like puddles, in her Big Brown Eyes. "Even if it be an arm or leg or two"!
Now the Devil, being Himself, was a young 'un for his age. Not yet past his prime, he was not immune to the charm of heart shaped faces or the lure of Big Brown Eyes…especially those swimming in tears.
Clicking his pointed teeth, he tutted thusly; "Tut tut Madame, tut tut! There is, but no need, for such distress! For while the Devil may demand the souls of mere mortals, not yet does it demand the tears of genteel women".
Thus, having filched and mutilated one Captain Butler's famous phrases and putting it to his own wicked use, the Devil, in the blink of his red and shining eye, removed his spanking new Gray coat and suit, and neatly folding it into a brightly wrapped package of tinsel with bow shaped horns, (for you see, even he knew the devil was in the detail)…. presented it to Melanie with a flourish!
Bereft of his fine trappings, now clad only in fuzz and fur and looking like Hell warmed over, Devil smirked down upon the bewitched damsel, his forked tail twitching.
"You, my dear lady, I do declare"; he announced smugly, his voice dripping with devilish glee; "are having the luck of the very devil! For today, I am in a generous mood. I hereby bequeath you with the finest of my coats and in return, as collateral, shall do you the honor of accepting your soul. Shall we say", he said with a fiendish smile; "that we have ourselves a Deal"?
Melanie, herself and her Big Brown Eyes, now thoroughly under Devil's evil Spell nodded her head mutely.
And so, it happened, that on one fateful summer day, Melanie with the Big Brown Eyes, caught in the Devil's snare, pledged her spotless soul to the Devil Himself. They signed the deal in Blood, both of them; one with a shake of a hand (literally) and the other with a claw or two.
The crafty Devil, satisfied with his end of the bargain, danced down the street to the Red Horse Salon to celebrate with a glass of "Devil's Delight". While Melanie, with a glazed expression in her Big Brown Eyes, her sweet heart shaped face frozen in terror and her tongue tied in horn shaped knots…. sped indoors!
Inside the House Of Twelve Oaks, Ashley Much- Sought- After, was sitting in the library on his favorite seven-foot sofa, reading his favorite book, "Gotterdammerung" with his blonde hair, habitually shining like a cap of silver. As devil's luck would have it, all that light shining off Ashley's head (his head being quite capacious), hit Melanie right in her Big Brown eye, as she burst in…. and broke the devilish Spell, driving home the point, that not even the Devil had a chance when it came to True Love. For it was well known that there was ne'er a Love Truer than the Wilkes'es Love in all the five counties!
Catching sight of Melanie's strained white face, Ashley cried "What in hell's name happened, my darling? You look like you saw the Devil Himself"?
"Oh Ashley! screamed Melanie like Devil's sister, Wailing Banshee; her hand at her throat, forgetting that she had her voice back. "Oh Ashley! I did! I did! It was the Devil Himself and he tricked me into giving him my soul, in exchange for a coat for you! But it was a GRAY coat, dearest! And that devil looked hot as Hell in it! Ashley! I swear, I don't know what came over me! And …and…. Oh Ashley! What have I done?!
"The Devil you say"! cried Ashley, his drowsy gray eyes wide with fear. "Hell's bells, Melly! What have you done indeed? And all for want of a coat? This is terrible! Oh Melly!Melly, you know I would not want a new coat, darling! All I would want is to go back to the old life, the old dreams and watch my shadow show again", he finished miserably. "Now we have the Devil to pay"!
"Oh Ashley, I know! I am so sorry, my darling! but you must understand Ashley, you are Much Sought After and I needed a present better than Scarlett's, for I love you so!" cried Melanie with True Love shining in the bottomless depths of her Big Brown Eyes.
"Very well then! It's a Devil's bargain, it is! "cried Ashley hotly. "True Love swings both ways! I am not letting you sacrifice yourself for me", he said, "I am going to find the Devil Himself and I am going to trade my soul for yours!", so he declared in his trademark drawling, musical voice .Then, his blonde head shining ever more like a cap of silver, he kissed his wife on her sweet heart shaped face, and with the familiar drawn and taut look for which he was so well known, he mounted his horse and rode away into the sunset, his drowsy gray eyes searching for the Devil. (Yes, it needed this level of description for the Devil is very much in the details).
"Oh! What have I done? I can't let Ashley sacrifice himself! ", cried Melanie, her face deathly white. Her Big Brown Eyes, now sunken and black circled, she cried softly into a moss green velvet pillow. Suddenly, the devil's own idea struck her! "Green!" she exclaimed, looking at the moss green pillow closely, her Big Brown Eyes wide with excitement. "But of course! Scarlett! I need to go find Scarlett! Scarlett is so brave and so strong! she always knows what to do! Yes, Yes! I must find Scarlett!
And tying her wide brimmed hat and draping her cloak, her Big Brown Eyes, brimming with renewed hope, Melanie rushed next door to find her green-eyed savior-in-law.
Scarlett O' Hara was standing in front of her mirror, trying on her loveliest bonnet, a brand-new affair made of dark green taffeta, lined with watered silk of a pale jade color. This bonnet was extra special and had "Rue De La Paix" embroidered in gold along the edges. Scarlett was thoroughly enjoying herself, pirouetting around saucily, admiring how the bonnet appeared to bring out the green in her eyes.
She was especially pleased for she had outwitted a very arrogant, handsome devil with a devil-may-care-attitude and a thin pencil mustache (not to be confused with Our Devil, Himself) for this bonnet in a deadly battle of wits.
"Oh! I am the cat's whiskers when it comes to devils" Scarlett meowed vainly, peering at the two emeralds lodged in her eye sockets. She had been about to saucily pirouette yet again, when a frenzied banging at the door interrupted her purring.
And Melanie with her Big Brown Eyes came bursting into Scarlett's room, her face white as a sheet.
"What in the devil's name is wrong with you, Melly", cried Scarlett. "You are at it again, aren't you? Bursting into rooms? "Scarlett sighed and thought to herself that the war sure did strange things to folks and then:" For Hell's sake, did the Devil get your tongue? Say something!"
Love, however True, had its limits and with her beloved Ashley, with the Shining Cap riding far, far away, Melanie had, yet once more, fallen (Devil's)prey to The Spell.
Not one to be frazzled easily, Scarlett sat down on her settee." A glass of water", she thought; "might loosen that tongue", and looking desperately around for one and finding none, she thought; "Well! It's a toss-up between my secret stash of brandy or the cologne I use, to disguise the smell of said brandy". And being the smart, shrewd, hard headed, business woman that she was, she decided, that the cologne was by far, inferior in quality and price. Thus, the Devil's choice being made, she got up and poured a big mouthful into Melly.
"Oh Scarlett", gasped Melly, the cologne having worked its magic, "All hell hath broke loose! I met the Devil Himself today afternoon".
"Oh him!" Said Scarlett, laughing gaily;" Don't worry Melly, I met him too! He came by here, smiling in a nasty lop sided way and raising his eyebrow at me, and I sent him packing with a flea in his ear! No, he has as much chance as a wax cat in hell with me!", she said derisively, and with a saucy toss of her head, smiled satisfactorily at her reflection in the glass.
"Oh Scarlett! No, No, you don't understand, it's not that devil, it's The Devil! It's Beelzebub himself, in his raw fur! I saw him today outside my house and he made me promise to give him my soul, in return for a new Coat for Ashley….and oh my dear! Now Ashley Much-Sought-After has gone off to trade his soul for mine"! she cried miserably.
"What"? Oh No! Quick, Melly, tell me! How was his head when he left? Did it gleam dully, or did it shine like a cap of silver"?
"Oh Scarlett! I was nearly blinded by it's dazzle", cried Melanie, fearfully.
"Then it is what I fear"!, cried Scarlett, heartbroken. And inwardly she mourned "Oh Ashley, Ashley Much-Sought-After, how shall I live without you? For you, with your head shining like a cap of silver and your drowsy gray eyes, are all that I want. For I love you so!"
Outwardly, she raged:" This is a Hell of a mess! Oh! Melly! Ashley would be hell bent on saving you of course! Why didn't you come to me, before you went to Ashley? You know I can get the devil to eat out of my hands!
"But no matter!" said Scarlett, steel in her voice, her green eyes glittering. "It is not too late! I am going to go after that Devil and I am going to fight like Hell to get Ashley back. Come Hell or High Water, I won't let anything happen to Ashley! The Devil will have the devil to pay otherwise!" she said heatedly adding to herself in an undertone, "After all, I Love him so"!
Then with the devil's own courage coursing through her body, Scarlett O' Hara looked at herself in the mirror and went "As God is my Witness, as God is my Witness, that Devil is not going to lick me. I'm going to get Ashley out of this mess and when this is over, I am going to buy him lots and lots of coats. Yes, and for all my folks! If I have to steal or kill-as God is my witness, I am never seeing any of them coat less again".
So, swearing, Scarlett put on her pretty green bonnet and tying the wide sash in a heart shaped bow beneath her dimpled chin, dashed out in search of the Devil Himself.
Now, the Devil being Himself and being Everywhere, was well aware of the Hell that was being raised by our favorite trio…all arising from one measly demonic trade of his. "He was also", he thought:" getting mighty tired of it all". He was the Devil Himself and He wanted his Soul. There were no three ways about this. He decided, that it was best that he go and meet Green-Eyed Scarlett right away and set this matter straight once for all.
Arriving at Scarlett's garden, Pitchfork still stuck to his side, he saw Scarlett, rushing at him like a green ball of Fury.
"Stop right there, Madame!" he roared in his Terrible Voice: "Come no further or I warn you, you'll have the devil to pay"!
The sight of the odious creature raised Scarlett's hackles. She stopped and looking down at her feet, saw exactly what she needed.
"Devil, may you be damned!", cried Irish Scarlett, her genteel upbringing, going for a toss. "Leave fair haired Ashley-Much-Sought-After alone and go your fiendish way! Else I shall give you hell!"
"A Deal is a Deal and Melanie, the one with the Big Brown Eyes, promised me a collateral—a Soul and I am here to take it!", said Devil, stubborn as a devil.
"Oh, no! you are not! It will be a cold day in hell before I allow that to happen", screamed Scarlett and then picking up her skirts, she ran, ran through some strange mist (Presumably Devil's work). But mist or no, Scarlett ran after the Devil, like a mad thing, crying and screaming "Ashley is the only thing worth working for, worth fighting for, worth dying for"! Thus, she ran, clutching something red as the devil in her clenched hand.
Had he tried, the Devil would not have seen it coming. It was that fast. The ball of red clay, flying at him with the speed of the devil's own winged hellions, hit him right in his devilish face and in no time, the Devil sizzled and burned and had turned into a lump of heated clay which now lay at Scarlett's dainty slippered feet.
"Pork"! cried Scarlett in a thunderous voice, wiping her soiled hands on her rustling taffeta lined skirts. "Clean this accursed mess up and let's be done with it!".
Now, the Devil being Himself, is, as we all know, is immortal. So, he gathered himself up from the mud, and was back again in his full satanic glory. He stood once more in Scarlett's little garden and glared at her with his beady Beelzebub eyes.
"Scarlett O' Hara!", he said in a wee less Terrible Voice, his devilish confidence badly shaken." I have heard of you and your weapons, dimples, smiles, vases and the like. Now, I warn you, Miss O'Hara, I might be the Devil, but I am a reasonable man. Pay the Devil his Due, his collateral, and I shall be on my way".
"Like Hell, I will!" yelled the green-eyed Virago." Come Hell or High water, not while I have breath in my body!" she screamed and looking around wildly; her emerald eyes glinting; she glanced upon a china watering can on which two china cherubs smirked. Picking it up and with the gruesome force of a hell cat, she hurled it viciously across the garden at the despicable Archfiend in front of her. The deadly bludgeon hit him square in his mangy chest with the force of lightning and Devil splintered into a million pieces with a deafening crash.
"Pork!", cried Scarlett in a thunderous voice, dusting her dainty hands on her voluminous petticoats, "Sweep this mess up and let's be done with it!".
Now, the Devil being Himself, is, as we all ,yet again know, is verily immortal. And so, he gathered himself up, slowly but surely, from the dust and piecing himself back painfully, was back again in full satanic glory. He stood once more in Scarlett's little garden and glared at her with his beady Beelzebub eyes.
"Scarlett O' Hara"! he said in a voice that now shook. Now, I warn you, Miss O'Hara, I might be the Devil, but I am a reasonable man. Pay the Devil his Due, his collateral, and I shall be on my way".
"When Hell freezes over!" screamed Scarlett in a murderous rage. "And I'll see you in that freezing Hell, before that happens!", she shrieked, her blood boiling and rage scorching her face .This time, hoisting the heavy pistol that had belonged to Charles, but, which had never, up to that fateful moment, been fired, she shoved the weapon at the monster's face with demonic speed and lethal intent….and pulled the trigger with a deafening roar. All that was left of the Devil was a smoking mess of fuzz and fur, with a bloody pit for a face.
"Pork!", cried Scarlett in a thunderous voice, shaking off the gunpowder from her tiny bell sleeves and bustling hoops. "Bury this mess up and let's be done with it!".
Now, the Devil being Himself, is, as we all, by now, know only too well, is immortal. Thus, he rose like a fiendish phoenix, gathered himself up from the bloody mess and was back again in full satanic glory. He stood once more in Scarlett's little garden and glared at her with his beady Beelzebub eyes.
"Scarlett O' Hara!", he said in a voice that outright pleaded. Now, I warn you, Miss O'Hara, I might be the Devil, but I am a reasonable man. Please! pretty please! Pay the Devil his Due, his collateral and I shall be on my way".
Scarlett sighed. She had exhausted her supply of mud, mortar and metal. Added to that she was bored of this foolishness. Bored to tears or something close to it.
"Finally!,", she thought, looking at the bored Nightmare from Hell, "we have something in common".
Now it was time.
Drawing herself up to her full height, she squared her shoulders and with her chin jutting out, she fixed the Devil with her glittering eyes with a dash of Irish in them.
Spitting green fire and hissing like a cat, she roared, in a voice that sounded like the Devil Himself; "I have nothing more to offer, all I have is myself. I give myself then, as collateral and I swear, as God is my Witness, that I shall take your Hell and convert it into a lumber yard and I will build my eternal mills on it and bring your hellions in to work on them. In your Underworld, shall I build everlasting stores and more stores, and all your power shall I possess and then some! Yes! Take me, do! For as God is my Witness, I shall steal and Kill and rob you of everything you own and make you rue each eternal day, for Every Day Is Another Day!
Hearing this, the Devil trembled and shook like a leaf from head to toe. Clutching Pitchfork in his claws, he turned and with his forked tail between his paws, he fled Earth, never to be seen again!
And, that is how Scarlett O' Hara rescued Ashley Much-Sought-After, but unwittingly, saved the Human race from the Devil Himself!