Chapter 1

The Virgin Marianne

10 A.M

On a Monday

Philadelphia, P.A

With the exception of five irredeemable narcissists, Paddy's Pub is completely devoid of any human life. The gang sits at the bar and downs some more bottles of beer.

"When's the last time we had patrons at the bar?" Frank asks; he smokes a cigar from sheer boredom.

"A week, but I think that's related to our reselling of dick towels" Charlie foolishly infers. "They don't sell as well in the Me Too era"

"Nah, it was just a terrible product to begin with" Dee tells them: "...that also aged poorly"

Charlie inhales the smell of his beer bottle. Why? Who the hell knows?

"No, that's not it!" Dennis yells at him; he drowns his tiny hands in sanitizer. "It's that stupid coronavirus; our customers would rather get drunk and throw up in their homes and not at a public place like Patty's. That's pretty damn insulting! Why wouldn't you want to throw up here?"

"What do we have to worry about?" Dee underplays it all; she reads a script and drowns her face in lipstick and other unflattering make-up. "Frank's our sugar daddy; we can keep Paddy's up float"

"Woah, I am not a sugar daddy!"

"No, Frank. You've been our sugar daddy for the past 14 years" Dennis tells him. "But, yeah. What's gonna happen to all our Korona beer?"

Charlie comes up with a wacky idea (Of course, it was Charlie): "We'll drink all the beer. Boom, we did it. Alcoholism is no more!"

"I don't care what you four do; I can't fall sick!" Dennis rubs hand sanitizer over his face. "Ow! Ow!"

The exposition news network brings crucial information on COVID-19: "Breaking News: Panic buying leads to a shortage in hand sanitizer and toilet paper"

Dennis panics and grabs his car keys: "I'm gonna buy all the TP and hand sanitizer!"

"Why?" Dee asks him, surprised. "We have tons of soap and you don't need that much toilet paper"

"Dee, you'd be surprised by how much I poop-"

"Dennis, please don't tell me how much you poop" Dee begs him.

"Alright, but I just don't want to smell like crap. You know, just in case one or preferably more women decide to quarantine with me and have sex"

The gang stares at him in shock.

"Who wants to have sex during the spread of a coronavirus?" Frank asks.

"Frank, lonely women can get really desperate during times of social distancing" the complete narcissist and sexist man, Frank Reynolds, proclaims his teachings to his small, little world. He darts off.

"So, what now?" Frank asks. "We can't do much without paying customers"

"I guess we have to wait for a vaccination" Charlie tells them and sips his Korona beer. "Huh, it's funny. All these people stopped buying Korona beer because they think it'll give them the coronavirus"

"See, even Charlie understands that!" Dee tells her father. "Can you imagine if everyone stopped buying Korona beer? That would shut down all the bars"

"You're goddamn right!" Frank replies

"Oh, my god!" A lightbulb goes off in Charlie's head. "Do we sell Korona beer?"

"Nah" Dee answers.

"That's it!" Charlie goes off with his plan. "What if suddenly everyone in Philly believes that Korona beer gives you COVID-19? Then, all the bars lose their traffic, and everyone comes to Paddy's!"

"Holy shit, that's brilliant!" Frank and Dee exclaim. However, the former questions him: "But, don't we need something other than not-Korona beer to get traffic?"

"Oh, I have the perfect plan!" the failed actress thinks on the spot. "My performance at the local theater got cancelled due to the coronavirus; I can perform that here"

"Boo!" Frank rejects. "Dee, I know you're young and full of hopes and dreams about making it big in Hollywood"

"Young?" Charlie interrupts her. "Frank, she's almost 43!"

"Whatever!" Frank returns to his conversation. "Dee, nobody wants to watch your god-awful performance!"

"Oh, no" Dee disagrees. "I have the acting of a goddess and Hollywood is really pushing for that female empowerment! So, I can draw a crowd now!"

"But, that's only for good female actresses" Charlie disagrees. "At least, I'd think so"

"I'll prove you wrong. I can draw a crowd!"

"Alright, fine" Charlie agrees. "We just need one more thing to pull this off"

Conveniently, Mac barges through the front entrance, holding a large statue of a goddess: "Be gone, Devil Virus. We pray in the Virgin Marianne's name, Amen!"

Charlie, Dee, and Frank give him blank stares.

After a couple of seconds, Dee finally breaks the ice: "Mac, what the hell?!"

"Shush, young one. Do not swear in the presence of the Virgin Marianne!" he yells at her. "This statue carries her presence. She has arrived to protect us from the coronavirus!"

"Voila!" Charlie comes up with Part 2 of their plan. "We tell people to drink here. If they drink here, god will protect them from the coronavirus...and Dee's awful performance!"

"Hey!" she snaps back.

"That is pure blasphemy!" Mac rebukes. "Exploiting god for a quick buck! How sinful?!"

"Mac, we're saving the public from death" Dee talks him into it. "Let us save more lives; wouldn't god want you to save more lives?"

After a minute or so, he caves in: "I see what you're doing here. It feels wrong, but you just had to use god against me. Didn't you?"

He places the statue on the bar top and heads to the bathroom.

"So, what do I do now?" he asks as the other two brainstorm their plans. "It's kinda boring in here"

"I don't know, Frank" Charlie regrets to inform him. "It's gonna be boring until they develop a vaccine"

"When's that gonna happen?!" he complains.

"At least a year" Dee replies.

"Well, I'm tired of staying inside. So, they better do it fast" he pauses. The third and final lightbulb goes off in his head. "I'm gonna develop the vaccine"

To be continued

(Authors Note: Wasn't sure if I'm allowed to use the actual name of the goddess. So, I used a very similar name. Also if you're reading this during the COVID-19 pandemic, please stay safe and don't overpanic)