How did she get roped into this situation? Right, she trusted in Frank when he said he killed the bastard. Well, he didn't really say it as much as he implied that he had, but… he said Merrick wouldn't be a problem again dammit! Now, 18 year old Chloe Price and Rachel Amber are tied up in the corner of the old mill, surrounded by around a dozen street thugs, as well as one Mr Damon Merrick, whom they thought were dead only two years previous. What a brilliant way to spend a February Friday night.
"What exactly is it that you want Damon?" Rachel demanded of the dangerous thug, who was glaring down at them.
"A lot of things girlie, but first and foremost? I'mma make your father watch as I filet his daughter after he screwed me." Damon Merrick growled. "I sent one of my boys to get him." he explained, crossing his arms.
"Dude, you realise the villains who monologue like that are usually the first to die, right?" Chloe asked blandly. "And it wasn't even him that screwed you!"
"Zip it, unless you want to continue from where we left off last time, Blue." Merrick warned, his eyes running over Chloe's skinny form. She could not feel dirtier. "There was also a hefty ransom that I demanded." He pointed out.
"Hey boss, we got a car!" One of the thugs announced.
"Good!" Merrick grinned madly. The car parked itself outside of the mill, the tinted windows hiding the driver. "Wait, that ain't one of ours…" Merrick mumbled, his eyes narrow. Under the cover of the darkness of the night, no one saw the face of the driver as he rolled down the window, and tossed out something to the ground.
"Oh my God!" Rachel cringed at the sight. "Nasty." It was a head. A human head. The one that Merrick had sent to retrieve the district attorney.
"Light him up boys!" Merrick shouted as the car door opened. Everybody who held a gun fired at the car. All they saw running about was a blur of red dodging all the bullets. "The fuck!?" Merrick yelled out out loud as the red figure took over behind a crate.
"This guy's fast..." Chloe mumbled to Rachel, who silently nodded in agreement.
"Get ready to fire." Merrick warned his men.
"WAIT!" The figure called out, pulling his hands up in a sign on piece. In one hand, he held up a white flag. Nobody had any idea where he got it. "You may be wondering why the red clothes." He spoke with an English accent. "Well, that's so bad guys can't see me bleed." He said mirthfully. "This guy's got the right idea, he wore the brown pants." He said, pointing at one of the men, who growled as the figure showed himself. He was wearing a dark red hoodie, covering his face with the hood. He also had two katanas on his back.
"Who the fuck are you, Pommy?" Merrick demanded.
"Doesn't matter." Red, which most of the people present had dubbed him, said with a smirk. "Now, to everyone else in the room, or the building or whatever, you all only work for that wanker." He pointed at Merrick. "So, I'm going to give you all a chance to lay down your firearms in exchange for preferential, bordering on gentle, POSSIBLY…" He held up a finger. "Even lover-like treatment." He proposed.
"Fire!" Merrick howled at his men. All of them suddenly opened fire, and Red quickly took cover.
"Fine! Be that way!" He shouted. "I only have twelve bullets, so you're going to have to share!" He told them, pulling out two Desert Eagles. "Let's count 'em down." He grinned to himself, jumping up. In flourish, he fired two shots, nailing two of the goons between the eyes, mumbling the words 'twelve' and 'eleven' under his breath with each shot, and the two fell to the ground, dead, before he took cover again.
Outside the mill, a goon on a motorcycle approached, and Red fired at him. "Ten." He missed, frowning. "Nine, eight!" He fired two more shots. The second bullet hit the biker in the face, sending him tumbling over into a car. "Good boy." He praised himself, seeing another goon outside the mill. "Seven." He shot said goon in the head. Suddenly, he was being fired upon by the remaining goons with assault rifles, and he quickly took cover behind a sheet of metal, which somehow was thick enough to deflect the bullets. One of the goons quickly turned around the corner of the sheet, finding Red lying on the ground in a comfortable position. Grinning, he pulled the trigger, only to find his rifle out of ammo. "Someone's not counting." He said, painting the wall with the goons brainmatter. "Six."
"Who is this guy?" Rachel whispered to Chloe, who shrugged, looking a little green. Rachel could share the sentiment. It was not a pleasant sight.
"Somebody kill this guy!" Merrick howled as one of his goons pulled the pin out of a grenade. Red suddenly appeared from behind the metal sheet, aiming one of his guns at the grenade.
"Five." he said as he fired, setting the grenade off in the goon's hand, taking two others with him. "Ah!" He grunted in pain, falling to ground as another goon fired his assault rifle. As Red lay on the ground, limp and unmoving, the goon approached slowly, carefully. "Four." Red suddenly spoke, shooting the goon. "Gotcha." He said as he stood up, smirking smuggly. "Three, two." He said, shooting the corpse.
"That was stupid!" Rachel called out to him.
"Totally worth it." He shot back, flipping her off. "Yipe!" He yelped as the remaining goons, two plus Merrick, started firing at him. Quickly, he jumped behind another crate. How he hadn't been shot yet was anybody's guess. "Open wide wankers!" he called out as he suddenly appeared behind them.
"What the-!?" The goons shouted, but it was too late. Red fired his final bullet, and flew right through Goon #1's head, then Goon #2, and finally into Damon Merrick's, leaving Chloe, Rachel, and Red the only living people left in the old mill.
"Whoa…" Chloe and Rachel mumbled in unison as Red stood there, his guns smoking. Suddenly, he brought the guns up to his nose, inhaling the smoke through his nostrils.
"Aaah~" he breathed the smoke out, the look on his face one of pure pleasure. "I'm touching myself tonight." He announced blankly.
"Dude!" Chloe cringed. "TMI!"
"Whatever you say Chloe." Red said with an amused smile as he pulled his hood back.
"What? No…" Chloe's eyes widened as she saw the golden blonde hair and silver eyes. "No fucking way…"
"Yes fucking way." Damon Azrail responded, kneeling and pulling out a knife. He easily cut the ropes that were binding the girls.
"Damon…?" Chloe asked, her eyes wide. Her oldest friend who'd abandoned her almost five years previous had just saved her ass from his namesake.
"Wait, Damon? As in, Damon Azrail?" Rachel asked, rubbing her wrists.
"Ding-ding!" Damon said with a wide smile.
"How droll…" A fourth voice spoke up. It was Merrick. He had a bullet embedded in his forehead, which he pulled out.
"Huh, so two heads is the most a bullet from a Desert Eagle can go through." Azrail said with interest. "Good to know." He shrugged as Merrick pulled up his sleeves. "Really? The 'roll up your sleeves' spiel? Can you not be more original?" He asked in exasperation. Merrick simply growled and charged, making Azrail shrug. Right as Merrick neared him, Azrail nonchalantly unsheathed his katanas and rammed both into Merrick's chest, holding him up by the blades.
"Holy fuck!" Chloe and Rachel cringed at the sight.
"Damon Merrick…" Damon Azrail's voice took on a dark, low tone. "You have failed this city." He growled. Those were the last words Merrick ever heard before the life drained out of his eyes. "Oops, wrong universe." He said as he tossed the corpse aside, sticking out his tongue.
"Damon, what the fuck is going on!?" Chloe demanded as she marched up to her old best friend. "First you leave for almost five years with so much as a goddamned emoji, then you show up out of nowhere and fuckin wreck shit up!" She howled.
"There's no need for a recap Chloe, I was there." Damon told her with a raised eyebrow.
"You just killed at least a dozen people, running, and jumping, and firing, and slashing, and-" Chloe stopped as Damon put a finger on her lips.
"Calm down Chloe." He said soothingly, softly caressing her cheek. Chloe couldn't help but blush at the intimate gesture. "I know you want answers, and as soon as the great and powerful, sexy, smart, well-endowed BrxkenArrow finishes his poorly-conceived attempt at my backstory-prequel, he'll start on the sequel to our story and you'll get all the answers you need." Damon promised her.
"What?" Chloe asked, utterly confused.
"And it'll be all romance, action, taking down a psycho serial killer, fun and sexy times, and possibly even a threesome with your friend." Damon continued, as if what he was saying was utterly normal. "And if all goes well, Dontnod might hire BA as script-writer for their games." He said with a wide smile.
Chloe and Rachel stared for a moment, utterly bewildered. "Is this making any sense to you?" Chloe asked of Rachel.
"I'm just tryna figure out where I heard all those lines he dropped." She said, her hand on her chin. "I've heard them before somewhere."
"Not possible." Damon chirped. Very OOC of him, wouldn't you agree. "Deadpool doesn't come out until 2016, three years from now." he told them. That did not help their confusion. "But, not of that matters now. You two are safe, the readers have been April Fooled, and BA can get back his life of procrastination, depression, video games, and dead-insidedness." He smiled, pulling out a pellet. Azrael, away!" He threw the pellet down on the ground. It exploded into a big cloud of smoke, and when it faded, Damon was nowhere to be seen.
"OK, did that just happen?" Chloe asked her companion.
"I think so." Rachel nodded. "If not, maybe we should cut back on the weed." She suggested.
"HELLA no." Chloe denied in an instant.
"Yeah, I was struggling to keep a straight face there as I said it." Rachel grinned.
HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY FOOOOOOLS!
I bet you were all expecting another chapter on HLT or F&B that just said APRIL FOOLS again, didn't you? You SO did!
I think everybody saw the UNCANNY similarities to Deadpool here. Well, I recently watched the movies for the first time, and I couldn't resist using one of my favourite scenes. I wanted to work the 'broken hands' scene in here, but I couldn't think of how.
I think you'll all notice how terribly this was written. Obviously, since it's an April Fools thing, the writing is terrible. I didn't put too much stock into detail or character. Funny though, isn't it?
Well, C'ya whenever!