A Chat with the Devil
Inspired by John Milton's Paradise Lost, C. S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters,
and the comic book series/TV show Lucifer
He paced back and forth slowly in front of the glass door, admiring his reflection. The new black tuxedo contrasted quite well with his wavy, blonde hair and bright, golden eyes.
It really does bring out the best in me, doesn't it? he thought to himself as he straightened his red tie. Sliding the door open, he stepped out onto the patio, soaking in the early morning sunshine as he gazed out at the sprawling city before him. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, the smell of smog and exhaust fumes filling his nostrils. As he exhaled, he could see his breath solidify into a smokey frost hanging on the cool morning air. The sunlight warmed his pale face, shielding it from the chilly atmosphere.
Good morning to you, O Morning Star, he mused as he gazed straight at the bright, yellow orb, smiling disdainfully.
He stepped back inside his luxurious apartment, practically gliding toward the porcelain white counter at the other end of the room. He popped open a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon and poured a generous amount of its contents into a glass, filling it to the brim. He took a moment to smell the juicy, dark liquid before bringing it to his lips. The tart, strong drink brought all of his senses to life as it cascaded down his throat. Traces of oak, black licorice, and other herbs and minerals continued to linger on his taste buds, even after he had swallowed the last few drops in his mouth. He gave a soft, pleasurable, but discontented, sigh.
It's never enough, is it? All the pleasures of this world were at his very fingertips. Every single little exciting, adrenaline pumping, naughty little experiment was all his to enjoy; and, over the years, he had certainly taken advantage of every opportunity he could and enjoyed the living hell out of all of it. And yet, he always wanted more, much more than anyone was either able or willing to give. What was he missing? Well, whatever it was, he certainly couldn't be bothered to try and think back on everything, to try and figure out what was causing this constant, annoying little hole to gnaw away at him inside; too much introspecting always left him in a very sour mood.
It's never, ever enough for you.
At that moment, he felt a presence in the room with him, a very familiar one. Not so much that he knew who it was exactly, but he knew quite well of where it had come from. He could feel the ire beginning to rise up in him.
"I know you are there," he said in a cold, even voice as he tried to keep his cool; it wouldn't do to just fly off the handle in front of one of them. "I know exactly what you are, as well. Now tell me who you are and what you think you're doing here while I decide how to deal with you."
"A-are you the one they call Satan?" a tiny voice cracked, sounding quite intimidated yet strangely determined. Turning to get a better look at his visitor, the tall man perceived a small, really young looking fellow standing just in front of the open doorway. He was dressed in a white suit with a blue bow tie, had short, blonde hair that was bordering on white, and thick rimmed glasses that nearly obscured his baby blue eyes. He swayed slightly from side to side, nervously shuffling his feet as he tried to maintain eye contact with the fallen angel across the room.
"That is not my name," the other man said, annoyance dripping heavily from his voice as he took another sip of his wine, "And you haven't told me what you're doing here, little one. Do you have a message for me or something? Your kind always seem to."
"Uh… Lucifer, then?" asked the timid newcomer, not seeming to have heard the devil's question; he was trying desperately hard to appear calm and collected, but his struggles were woefully in vain.
"Wrong again." The devil rolled his eyes as he began to slowly draw nearer to his intruder. "Now, if you're just going to stand there like a blubbering idiot, then I'm afraid I will have to remove you from my sight by force."
"You shall not touch me!" the smaller angel suddenly shouted, stretching out his arm. "I am under the protection of the LORD God Almighty, and you will not lay a finger on me!"
The devil stopped in his tracks, slightly taken aback. Feisty little one, I see.
"So, are you going to deliver your message or what?" The angel's rigid countenance dropped a bit at the question.
"I-I didn't come with a message." The devil raised an eyebrow at this.
"I see. Does Daddy know you're even here?"
"He knows everything," the little man replied defensively. "He wouldn't allow me anywhere near you if He thought you were some kind of a threat to me." The devil just chuckled; how naive this little cupid was. This might prove to be interesting morning after all.
"What do they call you back home, hm?" he asked presently.
"I am called Jacob," the angel answered.
"Well then, Jacob, do come in and make yourself at home," said the devil cheerfully, becoming quite pleasant all of a sudden. "Forgive my earlier outburst, for I haven't quite finished my morning routine, and I don't usually have the pleasure of entertaining guests of your caliber here." He turned and sat himself down at the table in the middle of the room, placing his glass and bottle down on it. He then motioned to the angel, bidding him to take a seat at the other end. Surprised at this strange turn of events, Jacob reluctantly sat down across from the devil.
"Care for some wine?" the older one inquired, gesturing to the bottle.
"I do not partake in the consumption of human food," Jacob said tartly.
"Pity."
"Our kind has no need of their sustenance. You know that."
"Well, just because one doesn't need something doesn't mean one shouldn't enjoy that particular something from time to time. I mean, seriously, human food is quite fascinating, if I do say so myself. Like, for example, how they will usually take one consumable item and combine it with another to create something truly unique! And they don't even stop there! Ha! Humans are so quaint in their many ways."
"I imagine that they are."
"And all of their grand structures and buildings, each one a monument to mankind's supposed greatness, only to have them all fall into ruin centuries later, their glory mostly faded from recent memory…" He turned to look out the window, staring at the city beyond his patio. "I do love watching them rise and fall, their buildings and towers, cities and kingdoms, civilizations and cultures, ideas and philosophies. It's so very adorable that each generation thinks they've got it all figured out, that they are the apex of all humanity, only to be forgotten by future generations soon afterward. I find joy in seeing them finally having to come to terms with their futile, meaningless existence that was their life, and to the never ending horror that awaits them beyond the veil of death itself. It is nice that I'm not the only one who knows that they are ultimately damned at the end. It's all just a matter of time…"
Jacob said nothing as the devil trailed off, distracted and lost in thought. After a moment or so, he turned his attention back to the younger angel, and said, "So, back to business, I guess. You never did tell me why you're here to begin with."
"No, I didn't."
"So you don't have a message for me, then?"
"No."
"Most unusual for an angel, I must say. Is this a social visit then?"
"No."
"Didn't think so. Well, come on, then. Out with it."
Jacob paused, his eyes darting nervously from side to side. "Um… well, you see, the thing is… well… um…"
"Yes?"
"I, uh… I've heard stories about you…"
"Oh, they actually tell stories about me up there?" the devil cried in mock surprise. "I'm flattered!"
"Don't get the wrong idea; you are still the most hated thing in Paradise."
"More hated than politicians, mosquitoes, and Jehovah's Witnesses? I am impressed."
"Don't be. As I was saying, I've heard stories, and I wanted to know if they were all true."
"Well then, why don't you just ask all your big brothers about me? Why come all this way to get an exclusive interview with your most hated enemy?"
"They… they really don't like to talk to me about you…"
"Ahh, I see," smiled the devil. "You must be a newbie to the heavenly hosts, am I right?" The angel nodded sheepishly. "So curiosity finally got the better of you, and you came down here to get the whole story from the horse's mouth itself, is that it? Very interesting…"
"Like I said, our Father in heaven wouldn't have allowed me to be here if He knew I was going to be in any sort of danger or – "
"Yes, yes, indeed," the devil interrupted, sarcastically waving his hand. "Dear old Sky-Daddy is so very protective and loving toward all His children, I imagine. Right. So, then..." Clearing his throat, he leaned in close, intense interest very much apparent on his face. "What would you like to know?" Clearly Jacob had not been expecting the devil to be this eagerly cooperative, so it took him about a minute or so to properly collect his thoughts again.
"Well, um…" he began uncertainly. "I've always known you as either Satan or Lucifer, but, according to you, those aren't your real names. So… what is your real name?"
The devil just chuckled again. "Sadly, I wish I could remember, but it's been such a very long time now…" he said as he sipped more of his now lukewarm wine. "You see, when I was kicked out of Paradise long, long, long ago, my name and titles were removed from all the heavenly records, along with all the other angels that were cast out with me. The idea was that, apparently, what I had dared to do was so awful that everyone resolved to have me completely forgotten, to live as if I had never existed. It seems to have actually worked, somewhat: I highly doubt that the oldest of the angels there can even barely remember my name at this point."
"So then where did the other two names come from?" inquired Jacob.
"I'm so very glad you asked!" replied the devil happily. "It's kind of an interesting thing, really. Like I said before, human beings are such fascinating little creatures, especially when it comes to the evolution of their languages within the last few thousand years. Toward the beginning, when Dad raised up His first flock of sheep – the Hebrews – they had a special term for me – Satan – which in their tongue meant, "The Adversary", "The Enemy", "The Trouble-Maker", so on and so forth. That's how that little annoying label got started.
"Fast forward a millennia or three, give or take, when their holy book was being translated from Greek to Latin. They came across a passage that referenced a 'light bringer' or a 'morning star', and the way their Latin language worked, it would sound something like this: lux or luc for 'light', and fer for 'bearing.' Put them together, and you get 'Lucifer.' 'Light-Bearing.' 'Lucifer Morning-Star', which honestly does have a nice ring to it, now that I think about it…"
"Interesting…" mumbled Jacob under his breath.
"It is, isn't it?"
"So shall I refer to you as Lucifer from here on out then?"
"I suppose so, if you must refer to me by any name at all," sighed the fallen angel, pretending to not like the idea. Truth be told, he was starting to enjoy himself a bit, and he could tell that Jacob was also beginning to become more interested in the conversation, despite himself.
There was another pause as Jacob just sat there, trying to come up with what to ask Lucifer next. Whatever he thought a meeting with the devil would be like, he never imagined that it would be anything like this.
"Is everything okay?" asked Lucifer, noticing that his companion was at a loss for words.
"I'm fine, it's just…" Jacob didn't know what to say. At this point he had forgotten all that he wanted to ask when he got here, except for one thing. He leaned forward and folded his hands.
"I guess all I really wanted to know is… why did you do it? The rebellion at the beginning?"
Lucifer didn't answer right away. Instead he took a rather large swig of his wine and then set the glass aside, looking rather pensive, as if revisiting an old memory he'd sooner forget. Finally he said, "I suppose you could say I was rather cocky and short tempered back in the day. But, think about it: wouldn't you be, just a bit, if you were in my position? I mean, I was basically the first born among the angels, an archangel. You've seen them before, right?"
"Never up close, but yeah, I've seen a couple."
"Powerful looking. Beautiful. Wondrous sights to behold, even in Paradise, aren't they?"
"Aside the Father Himself, yeah…"
"Well, I was among the first and foremost of them. I was more or less Dad's right-hand man, His favorite child, and everybody knew it. At least, I thought I was His favorite, that I would be next to inherit the throne of heaven. Seemed obvious enough at the time..." Jacob tried to hold back a snort of laughter, and Lucifer shot him a dirty look, but otherwise made no comment.
"So imagine my astonishment," he continued, "When I catch wind that dear old Daddy had other plans, had someone else in mind to rule Paradise with Him. Someone that was His, "Only begotten Son"; someone separate from Him, and yet was Him all at the same time. What utter madness is that?" Lucifer reached for his wine again.
"You mean the one that would become known as Jesus Christ?" asked Jacob. At that instant the glass shattered in Lucifer's hand and his yellow eyes briefly flashed bright red. His hand began to bleed a little on the table, but he took no notice, instead keeping his gaze squared menacingly on the startled angel across from him.
Finally, he took a deep breath, and answered in a low voice, "Indeed, that is very correct, young one. However, I must suggest that you refrain from using that name in my presence, unless you absolutely want all your little insides to end up on the outside?" Jacob's face went very pale at the thinly veiled threat, but otherwise made no reply.
Lucifer cleared his throat again. "So like I said, it made no sense to me, and I wasn't shy about letting everyone know what my opinion on the matter was. I managed to convince a good third of Dad's messenger boys (an even bigger chunk of Paradise than even I was expecting) that He was full of absolute shit, and we all staged a bit of a coup d'etat, and… well, you know how that song goes. Next thing I knew, I was falling for what felt like an eternity, until at last we all crash landed on Dad's brand new playground called Earth..."
"Wait a minute," interrupted Jacob. "I thought you were all banished to and imprisoned in hell?"
"Well, I suppose that would make sense if this was your idea of hell," laughed the devil, gesturing the room around him. "Actually, that might very well be true in your case, given where you come from. For me, though, if this truly is hell, then 'tis better to reign in hell than serve in heaven," he announced dramatically. Jacob just gave him a blank stare. "It's from a book I read recently," Lucifer elaborated. "On that note, if you ever have the time or interest, I do recommend reading some Milton and Alighieri. I mean, their stories are a bit, well, flowery, highly exaggerated, and melodramatic as hell, but highly entertaining nonetheless; humans have such wild, fun imaginations."
"Your interest with humans is rather… unexpected," observed Jacob.
"And why wouldn't I be?" asked Lucifer. "I mean, if you actually took the time to pay attention to them instead of just giving them Dad's cryptic mail, you would find them quite interesting as well, I daresay."
"If you find them so interesting, then why do you go out of your way to bring them to ruin and damnation? I don't quite understand that."
There was a long pause as Lucifer stared at Jacob, absolutely dumbfounded, before he burst out in a fit of uncontrollable laughter. He threw his head back, laughing harder than ever. After a bit he managed to tone it down to a series of chortles and giggles, tears streaming down his contorted face. He reached inside his suit and pulled out a cigarette case, bringing one to his mouth and lighting it as he fought to regain composure. He took a huge breath as he beamed widely at the bewildered angel.
"You… you…," he gasped as he held his side. "You actually believe that load of horseshit?" His giggles redoubled.
"I… I don't understand what's so funny – "
"Of course you don't, you silly, naive little git, you!" yelled Lucifer with unbridled glee. He took another deep breath, completely burning out his cigarette before flicking it out of the open doorway and down to the noisy streets below.
"I must ask, just to be clear here," he said presently, becoming slightly more serious. "Do you honestly think that I'm… evil or something?"
"Well, of course I do!" Jacob replied indignantly, amazed that the devil himself would seriously ask something so rhetorical.
"Ha!" roared Lucifer triumphantly. "That right there, my friend, is the greatest lie of all time! And who, do you think, could ever come up with something like that?" Jacob, stunned again by the other angel's passionate reply, didn't say a word. "I'll tell you who! Remember how I keep going on about how fascinating humans are? Well, the flip side to that is they are also as weak, pathetic and irresponsible as any creature that walks the earth could possibly get. The idea of 'evil'? That is something that resides in all of them, in the darkest corners of their hearts, that compels them to do unspeakable things to each other. And they are all so afraid to admit it – terrified of it, because, in their eyes, it makes them no better than grotesque, unnatural monstrosities that deserve nothing less than to be zapped out of existence and burned to cinders.
"They have found it so much easier to simply blame all of their shortcomings, all of their insecurities, their need for senseless violence and sexual deviancy on anything else but themselves. And so they elected me because I was an easy target after my most regrettable outburst in Paradise got me kicked out. 'Oh, look! This guy was rejected by God! He must be the source of all of our woes! Everything wrong with us and this godforsaken world is his fault!' And thus organized religion was born, I its patron saint of all things bad." At this point he angrily rose from his seat and walked to to open doorway, leaning against the glass frame, looking at the horizon.
"You have no idea how utterly annoying it is to be blamed for every, single, damned thing that they all do to themselves and are too chickenshit to own up to. 'I didn't hit my little sister; the devil made me do it!' 'I didn't lie to a whole country to further my own agenda; the devil made me do it!' 'I'm not the one who burned my marriage to the ground with my porn addiction; the devil made me do it;' 'It's not my fault I raped all those little Catholic boys; the devil made me do it, the devil made me do it, the devil made me do it!'" As he went on, he emphasized each phrase with a higher falsetto until he was practically screaming at the top of his lungs. His labored breathing came out in low growls as he again tried to regain his composure.
"The idea that I am the one to blame for all the evil in this world – as if it is some external force out to cause harm and not an outright internal flaw in Dad's creation – is a downright lie created by spineless, weak minded humans that is perpetuated by our beloved Father and all His heavenly hordes of retarded sheep. And what's worse is that all those sanctimonious bastards in Paradise know better than that! They know damn well that evil comes from within everyone, that all the external wrong in the world is simply others projecting their own inner demons onto each other; and still I continue to be their favorite scapegoat because it fits Dad's totalitarian narrative! And they call me the Father of Lies! ME! Ha! What a joke!"
There was a full minute of silence while Jacob waited for the fallen angel to calm down completely before daring to say a single word to him.
"Well, you have to admit…," he began. "Even if all that was true, you're not doing yourself any favors by going around tempting others to sin. There's no getting around that: everyone knows that is, indeed, what you do. We have eyewitness accounts of you tempting Eve in the garden and you tempting –" Lucifer shot him a death glare before he could finish his train of thought. Jacob bit his tongue and shifted his gaze back to the table, unable to meet Lucifer's red-hot stare.
"So you wanna talk about temptation, do you?" Lucifer finally said, his voice lower than usual. He slowly made his way back to his chair, his face a combination of loathing and eagerness. "Fine. Let me tell you the story of Eve, and how she screwed over the entire world because everything I told her was completely taken out of context. Let's see what you think of this 'eyewitness account.'
"Once upon a time, there was a pretty little garden called Eden, where all the cute little animals frolicked and played in the flowers with Earth's first wonder couple, Adam and Eve; it was every bit as nauseating as it sounds. So there I am, hanging out in a tree in the middle of the garden because I simply had nowhere else to go. I'm sitting there, watching them and wondering to myself, 'God, why would You make them all so brainwashed? Is that seriously how you hope to maintain their absolute loyalty?' I suppose there is some truth to the idea that ignorance is bliss; I honestly wouldn't know. But still, to rob them of their ability to choose between good and evil just to ensure that they never leave Him? If that doesn't scream insecure to you, then I don't know what will.
"As it so happens, though, Eve was a very curious little creature. One day she came up to the very tree that I had been occupying and looked up at the fruit. In case you haven't caught on yet, this was not just any ordinary tree: this tree bore the fruit that gave you the knowledge of good and evil and, as Dad told his two new favorite children, they must not eat of it lest they end up dead on the spot. Now this, of course, had its intended effect; for since the dawn of time, human beings have always been horrified of things they don't know or understand, and for these two, death was a very unknowable concept. And indeed, for a while, they stayed well away of that scary tree… until today. And at that moment, a most brilliant idea came to me.
"For quite a while now, I had been waiting for the best opportunity to try and really stick it to Daddy dearest; considering that a direct approach using brute force had been a really bad idea on my part, I needed something… subtler. Instead of a physical attack, why not try an emotional one? Take the thing He cares about most, and put Him in the position that would force Him to do to it what had been done to me. After all, if I wasn't good enough for Him, then why the hell should anyone else be? So imagine my absolute delight when curious, gorgeous little Eve struts up to the tree that would inevitably be her downfall, right where I needed her to be. I almost couldn't contain myself!
"So, as I'm sure you remember, I possessed a nearby snake hanging out in the same tree, and struck up a conversation with Eve. She was most charmed at the idea of a talking snake (absolutely nothing like the women of today…), and was more than eager to hear what it had to say, so I asked her a very simple question: 'Did God actually tell you to not eat of any tree in the garden?' Of course I knew that's not what He actually said, but it did get Eve to admit that the only tree she wasn't allowed to eat from was this one. 'God said that we shouldn't eat the fruit of the tree in the midst of the garden, or touch it, lest we die,' she told me proudly, like a little child reciting something very important to impress their elders. It was adorable, but I knew it to be untrue, for I had some of the fruit that very morning, and, lo and behold, I did not end up dead."
Lucifer paused his story to glance at Jacob, who was giving him a rather quizzical look.
"What?" asked the devil.
"You actually ate the forbidden fruit?" the angel asked, unsure if he should have been surprised by this or not.
"Of course I did; it was actually pretty good. A bit overrated, as far as forbidden fruits go, but still quite juicy and filling, nonetheless. Now, as I was saying, I told the poor, simpleminded girl that she would surely not die, which was true…"
"But she did die," objected Jacob.
"Well after the fact, my disruptive friend; she didn't drop dead as soon as she touched it, as she had been lead to believe. I also told her that Dad knew that as soon as she ate the fruit, her eyes would be open, and that she would become like God knowing good and evil."
"Which was a filthy lie," mumbled Jacob angrily.
"Oh? How so?" asked Lucifer innocently.
"You told her that she would become a god by eating the fruit, which you knew would never actually happen."
"And that's the problem with you holier-than-thou types, isn't it? You never listen and pay attention to a damn thing the other side says. All I told her was that she would become like God knowing good and evil; I never said that she would wake up as Aphrodite and rule the cosmos as Dad's side chick. But clearly that's how she interpreted it, for she immediately snatched up one of the fruits and snarfed it down like her life depended on it. Then she excitedly took a few more to Adam, told him of their magical properties, and they both gorged themselves like a couple of sharks in a bloodbath. Then Dad got really pissed, cursed the two of them, then banished them into the cold, cruel world to fend for themselves. And that is the story of how I did nothing wrong."
"Did nothing wrong?" piped up Jacob, clearly not convinced. "If you hadn't said anything to Eve, she never would have been tempted to eat it in the first place!"
"I beg to differ. She did walk up to the tree of her own volition, clearly contemplating it; she would have gotten around to doing it anyway, it was all just a matter of time. If there is one surefire way to make anyone do anything, its to tell them to not do it, and then they eventually will anyway. If anyone is to blame for what happened to those poor souls, it's obviously all Dad's fault: if He never wanted them to sin and continue living out the rest of their days as obedient little robots, then why did He plant that particular tree in the garden with them in the first place?"
Jacob looked like he was about to object again, but then stopped himself. Lucifer took notice, and gave a little smirk. "Well? Do you know why He would do something like that? Deliberately sabotaging His own plans?" After a few moments Jacob uncomfortably mumbled, "N-no, I… I don't know."
"That's okay. After all, Daddy does work in mysterious ways, right?" Jacob glared at Lucifer, who just quietly laughed it off.
"But regardless," continued Jacob, "It was your clear intention to get Eve to disobey Father. You said so yourself."
Lucifer just smiled. "It may very well have been my intention, but that doesn't mean that I was the one who made her eat the fruit."
"You told her that – "
"I didn't tell her outright to eat it. All I told her was that she would not die on the spot if she touched it, and that it would grant her knowledge; she was the one who took the initiative, ate it, and then gave some to her husband to eat (yet another thing I did not tell her to do). All the responsibility and blame falls squarely on her, and her alone. It's not my fault that she, deep down, wanted power, knowledge, and something bigger and juicier in her mouth than Adam's rather well-endowed and smelly manhood." He laughed as Jacob's face contorted into a sour grimace.
"I find your sense of humor to be quite repugnant," growled the angel.
"What? It was most certainly true," quipped the devil. Jacob gave no reply.
"Well, I thought it was funny…" Lucifer mumbled, pretending to sound dejected.
"And how about that time when you tempted Jesus, clearly trying to get to stumble – "
Lucifer's face went dark and his eyes flared up again. "I thought I made myself quite clear about you using that name around me?"
"Have you forgotten," replied Jacob quickly, trying not to seem intimidated, "That I am still under my Father's divine protection?"
"Clearly you did, considering that you clammed up pretty quickly last time I mentioned it, like the squirmy little worm that you are." Jacob went quiet again, looking down embarrassingly at the floor.
"So about that encounter with the Big J. C…" Lucifer's disposition lightened up a bit, but not by much. "He was wandering around in the wilderness, starving Himself to death when I found Him. It didn't take a rocket scientist or a medical genius to tell that He desperately wanted something to eat. So I went up to Him and pointed out a no-brainer: that if He was, indeed, the Son of God, then He should be able to turn all the stones around Him into bread. Fasting for forty days and nights seemed like plenty of time to both of us, and there were quite a few rocks around. I could see that He was seriously considering it. It would have been so easy for Him to do, and there was nothing inherently wrong with making a few munchies.
"But no, He just had to show me up, prove how stubborn He was, so He comes back with that, 'Man shall not live by bread alone', nonsense. Oh, how pious and saintly He thought He was, but I knew better. Maybe He could say no to food, but I knew, just like with Eve, that He craved something deep down, and that He was too afraid to admit it to anyone, especially to Himself. And, just like with Eve, I had already guessed what it was.
"So I took Him up the top of the Jewish temple and then then to a mountaintop (or was it the other way around, I can't seem to quite remember…), and offered Him what He wanted most: to be recognized for His power and superiority by the masses, and to rule the universe as His Dad-given right. On top of the temple, I told Him to throw Himself down at the people below us, assuring Him that it is said that the angels will not let Him hit the ground – I can fling Scripture around just as well as He can on appropriate occasions. Again, I could see Him struggling. He knew nothing bad would happen to Him, that angels would soar down and catch Him in the nick of time; we could see some watching us in the distance, eagerly waiting to see what He would do.
"But again, as much of a marvelous spectacle it would have been for the people below, He refused my offer, telling me that I should not be tempting the LORD my God, as if that should have had any effect on me. I was so close to giving up on Him, but I knew He was getting close to His breaking point as well, so I pressed on. I flew Him to the aforementioned mountaintop, where we could see most of the known world as it was, and I presented Him my ultimatum: that the whole world would be His that very day, if only would fall down and worship me."
Jacob gave a loud scoff. "And what on earth made you think that He would have ever taken you up on that offer?"
Again, Lucifer smiled crookedly at Jacob. "Because the kind of deals I make with people are ones where I give them what they desire most at the cost of something that is very dear to them, but are not unwilling to sacrifice. Can you imagine why He so very much wanted to make that kind of trade with me? Because He already knew what was coming. He knew that if He refused me now, He would most assuredly have to go with the original plan: He would die a very painful death on a cross within a few years time, and that would be the easy part; take my advice, kid, and never make Dad actually angry.
"The thing is, hell isn't exactly a place but more like a state of being, one where you endure Dad's wrath for all eternity, and that was exactly what He put His Son through as He hung up there, slowly dying. 'My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?' That is not the cry of a man with nails in his wrists; that is the realization of what it actually means to pay for everyone's sins, past, present, and future.
"The Son of God knew full well that was His chosen destiny, and in that moment, standing on the mountaintop with me, He was having second thoughts. So imagine how shocked I was when He whirled round on me and yelled for me to 'Begone!' Man, was I pissed! I offered Him mercy, compassion, a way out, and He spat in my face for it. I was pretty damn happy when He was finally put up for the night."
"So you deliberately tried to steer Him away from saving the human race from going to hell? And you still claim innocence? After all of that?"
"I'm honestly surprised that you're so hung up about my somewhat shady deals rather than the fact that the Son of God didn't actually want to save those people. He knew as well as you and I that the human race doesn't deserve to be saved. And at the end of the day, though, I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised that this was the road He decided to go down anyway: He was always one for dramatics, and I think for Him being crucified was more about showing off and being hailed as a hero than anything else; everyone loves a good martyr."
At that point Jacob could take no more. He slammed his fists on the table before angrily rising from his chair and advancing on Lucifer. "I have had it with your blasphemies and lies!" he shouted, pointing his shaking finger at Lucifer's face. "You will not say another slanderous word about the Christ!"
"Oh, what's He going to do? Send me to hell?" asked the devil, completely unfazed. "Newsflash, kid, that's already gonna happen. What, is he gonna send me to double hell or something?"
"I look forward to the day when I get to see you thrown into the lake of fire for all eternity, you vile, manipulative, lying snake!"
"And what makes you so sure that you won't be joining me on that glorious day, hm?"
Jacob blinked, taken aback by the remark. "What?"
"What makes you so absolutely sure that you won't, at some point in time, end up in the lake of fire with me and all the other sinners? That our Father in heaven won't cast you out just like the rest? Can you be so certain that He won't?"
"Why on earth would He? I have been nothing but loyal to Him."
"Because, after talking with you for a while now, I can clearly see that you are quite smarter than the rest of His host of angels, and He's not gonna like that too much." This time Jacob really didn't know what to say. He just stood there, staring blankly at the fallen angel seated in front of him as the other continued to speak.
"You're curious, inquisitive – which is why you came to see me yourself in the first place – and were far too interested in everything I had to say, which is why you barely interrupted me at all during our discussions; any other self-righteous angel would have tried to burn me on the spot with holy fire as soon as I made any reference to Sky-Daddy that was deemed too offensive for them. But it took you this long to get there.
"All those things I listed about you are clear signs of above average intelligence; the only issue with you is that you're so young and naive, which honestly makes sense considering you were raised in a sheltered, sanctimonious, narrow-minded environment, like you were homeschooled or something (a human thing; I wouldn't worry about it). Before I go on, though, I must ask you a very important question: do you know for sure that your Father truly loves you?"
Jacob didn't answer; he had a horrible feeling he already knew what Lucifer was going to say.
"That's right. The answer is no. No, He does not. How do I know this? Because the humans go on fucking everything up and, up until the day they die, are never punished for it; while we angels, if we so much as step one toe out of line, BAM! That's it. Done. Finished. Damned for all eternity with no second chances, no redemption, no Messiah to come down and die for our sins. These are all privileges given to lowly human scum; not because, like I said, Dad actually cares about them, but rather He prefers to keep His favorite toys to himself while disposing of the expendable ones, like you and me.
"And with everything you now know, I highly doubt He'll keep you around for much longer. You see, as you could tell with Adam and Eve, He likes to keep His playthings docile and brainwashed, and any signs to the contrary is straight up apostasy, and He can't stand any kind of adversity, whether physically or ideologically. If He perceives you to be any kind of threat to Him, He will have you swiftly removed for any offense; whether it's you asking one too many questions or the wrong kind of questions, you hesitating to do what He tells you to, no matter how abhorrent it might be, or something as simple as you finding some human girl to be quite attractive – or human boy, if that's what you're into. It's happened so many times. Every single day more and more angels fall from grace and join my ranks, all for the pettiest of reasons."
Jacob continued to stare at Lucifer, bewildered by everything he was hearing. "I… I don't believe you," he finally said in a small voice choked with emotion.
"And you don't have to, if you don't want to," the devil said simply. "It's no concern of mine if you do or do not believe me.; I'm just telling you how it is, and sadly, the truth always hurts." He then slowly got up from his chair, walked back to the counter, and began to pour himself another glass of wine. "And the truth is, it doesn't end well for you, me, or any of our kind no matter what we choose to do or believe. Either we do believe and spend all eternity in Dad's Communistic utopia singing His praises like a hive mind of blind sheep, or we go our own way and get punished for it, to be thrown into a lake of fire at the end of days for daring to have an individual thought of our own. You might as well take the time you have now to enjoy yourself before then. Pick up a good book, dine on the finest cuisines, bed some cute humans. Take my word for it, sex with a human is a rather exquisite experience I guarantee you're never going to find anywhere else."
For quite a while Jacob just stood pensively at the table, not saying a single word while Lucifer sipped away at his wine. The devil had to have been lying to him. He must have! And yet… why did a lot of it seem to ring true? He would have to ask the Father about all of this when he had the chance…
"I must take my leave now," he finally said quietly. He turned and began to walk out the glass doorway onto the patio.
"Wait," called Lucifer. "There is something I must tell you before you head out." Jacob stopped and turned to face the fallen angel one last time.
"I… I wanted to thank you for today. I truly mean that. Earlier this morning, I felt like something was missing and I couldn't put my finger on it. Now it seems like all I really needed was someone to chat with, to vent at, to open up to, and I'm very glad it ended up being you. You were a very interesting chap to talk to, so again, thank you for that."
"Why are you telling me this?" asked Jacob warily.
"Just to let you know that, if and when Dad kicks you out for being smarter and more interesting than the rest of His followers, you're gonna need someone to talk to, just like I did. And when that happens, know I'll always be here, ready and eager to sit down and chat about it over a glass of wine. Do take care, my dear little brother."
"Go to hell." Immediately two white wings sprouted from Jacob's back and he leapt into the air. Lucifer watched him as he soared up beyond sight toward the sun. I like him, he thought as he sipped more wine. A bit on the sensitive side, but quite intelligent and very inquisitive. Just the way I like them. Sure, he did seem to hold on to his convictions to the very end, but to Lucifer that was a moot point: the seeds of doubt had already been planted, and soon, very soon, whatever happened next to Jacob would all be on the young angel himself, just like it always had been for everyone else. A slimy smile slithered across his face.
It's all just a matter of time…
"Readers are advised to remember that the devil is a liar. Not everything [he] says
should be assumed to be true even from his own angle…
C. S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters