Author's Note: Korean words used in the story:
Saranghaeyo - I love you
Mianhaeyo - I am sorry
Bogoshipo - I miss you
Appa - Dad
Nadu yo - Me too
One.
The first Christmas they spent together was a cruel one. Right in the middle of a harsh winter, Yoon Seri wakes up in a random classroom in North Korea with Ri Jeong Hyeok still sleeping soundly on her shoulder. She didn't have to lift a finger to check his temperature as the heat of his body seemed to be rolling off in waves. With her best effort, she gently lifts him to rest against the wall before walking out of the room in search of supplies. There was a clinic at the end of the hall, but she finds their medical supplies heartbreakingly low. She spots a clean towel in one of the cabinets and immediately doused it with cold water.
She feels his hazy eyes on her as she tries to break his fever with the wet towel, as she waves desperately to each vehicle that passes them on the road to catch a ride to the military village, and as she quickly fixes his pillows the way he likes it and tucks him under his quilt. His eyes close the second his head hits the pillow. He looked so pale and sick that she worries she might have to bring him back to the hospital. She tries to quell the worry blooming in her chest as she goes through the cabinets in the kitchen in search of some medicine and his favorite white cup.
After a few hours of waiting and decorating an item she did not expect to find in his house, she checks up on him and finds him sitting on his bed with his eyes brighter than before. He obediently takes the medicine and the water she offers and is even quick enough to catch her arm before she stood up. Her heart skittered at the gesture and the quiet tone he used to ask where she was going. Her assurance of Christmas seemed to do the trick. She sits beside him until he falls back to sleep.
Another two hours passed by before Jeong Hyeok wakes up with an almost dry towel on his forehead. While his fever was yet to break, he feels more like himself and more alert. He wanted to call out to Seri like a child but finds his throat so sore that it hurts to speak. It takes a bit of effort to get off the bed for a cup of water. After opening his bedroom door, he feels his heart skip a beat at the sight of a decorated Christmas tree standing in the middle of his living room. A smile blooms on his face as he touches each of the paper ornaments she had made, his fingers lingering on the heart cutout with his name on it.
That was the moment he knew he was in love with her.
He immediately picks up the fact that she was in danger just by the tone of her voice. Mentally pushing through the sluggishness, he pulls on his shoes and is out of the house in mere seconds. She is repeatedly saying goodbye and he gets desperate after every word. He ignores how the neighbors were staring openly and almost shouts into his phone as he runs, pleading for her to listen and tell him where she was.
He stalls her until he reaches the outside of the village. Then he hears something that stops him in his tracks.
Saranghaeyo.
And a gunshot.
By nightfall, he finds himself being thrown into a holding cell, battered and bruised, thinking the love of his life is dead.
Two.
The next year was surprisingly not a bad one as both were desperate to hold onto the promise that they will be happy as to not worry the other. Seri laughs as she watches her young niece trying to open her many, many presents with her chubby little fingers and was looking delighted with all the attention she was getting from the whole family. Se-joon holds the camera while his wife conversed with their daughter, telling her from whom the gifts were from one by one. The grandparents sat on the couch adjacent to the one Seri is sitting on, silently watching the small family interact with fond smiles on their faces.
Seri listens her older brother and his wife bickering about how to properly take a video with the camera and feels a dull ache forming inside her chest. She wonders when she will have that for herself. A family to call her own. But more importantly, she thought with bitter amusement, she wonders if she will see the love of her life again. The thought of Jeong Hyeok made her eyes water. She quickly blinked the tears away and plastered a happy smile on her face.
What she didn't notice was her mother watching her from the side. The older woman spots the sad expression that crossed her daughter's face before it disappeared and can do nothing but sigh in resignation. She hopes for her happiness each day, more so on Christmas. She clings onto the fact that Seri is extremely good at getting what she wants. They will find their way back to each other, but until then, they wait. Seri prays, and her mother secretly prays with her.
Just a couple of hours away, across the 38thparallel, Jeong Hyeok smiles as the four soldiers he considered brothers more than mere comrades gathered in his house for the holiday and enjoyed the food he had prepared for them. Ju Meok keeps them up to date with the current trends in South Korean dramas, Chi Su continues to spin wild tales about the many women pining over him, Eun Dong happily feasts on the homemade cooking his captain had prepared, and Kwang Beom nods and listens to the conversation in his usual reserved manner. All of their unique quirks only show up when they find themselves in the comfort of each other's company.
Eun Dong shyly nudges him and comments on the Christmas tree he had put up, telling him that it was his first time to see one. Jeong Hyeok only smiles and messes up his hair in response. When the younger man goes back to eating, Jeong Hyeok spares another glance at the tree standing innocently at the corner of the room, his thoughts drifting away to the woman who pulled it out of its hiding place the year before.
The heart-shaped cutout with his name and little hearts drawn on it was placed near the top, where he can easily see it when he passes by. A pang of longing hits his heart, and he wonders if she's spending the holiday with her family. He wonders if she's happy. He was pulled back to the present when Chi Su loudly complains about the South Korean fried chicken and fries that were haunting his dreams.
Three.
The following year was a hard one for her. Seri declined all party invitations given to her that Christmas, including her family's, and opted to spend the holiday cooped up in her apartment. Wearing an oversized sweater that belonged to him when he was staying in her apartment, Seri takes a huge gulp from her third glass of wine as she listens to Jeong Hyeok's piano recording for the thirty-seventh time that night. It was the first year she attempted to meet him in Switzerland. Coming back to Seoul felt like a harsh slap of reality, and she didn't quite know how to cope. She quickly downs the entire contents of her glass and pours herself another one.
The phone rings again, and she didn't have to pick it up to know it's her mother calling. It is Christmas after all. But the thought of spending the night with her family under the pretenses that everything is fine is something she cannot bring herself to do. She's alone. She always has been. But the thought of him, the thought that she shouldn't have to be because the love of her life lives in the same peninsula, the unfairness of their situation made her want to cry and scream. The holiday seemed to further highlight the unjustness of it all – with every commercial, every event, every conversation parading that it is the season to be with families and loved ones.
You have me.
You won't be by my side.
I won't be by your side, but I will always hope that you won't be lonely. Be happy until the end of your life. I'd be grateful if you'd do that.
"I can't," she whispers, voice breaking. "Mianhaeyo, Ri Jeong Hyeok-ssi."
The piano recording stops, and a choked sob escapes her lips and echoes across the empty room. She begins to cry in earnest, trying to alleviate the pain knotting inside her chest. She misses him. So much that it physically hurts. She continues to cry as she buries her face into one of the pillows. This time, no one is going to surprise her from behind the wall. This time, no one is there to save her from herself.
Jeong Hyeok finds himself unable to sleep, wondering if he had outgrown his childhood bed in more ways than one. He sits back up and turns on the bedside lamp with a sigh. He had spent the holiday that year with his parents, and his mother prepared enough food to feed a whole army because of his homecoming. His stomach felt full from the homecooked meal, and his heart felt fuller from the enlightening conversation he had with his parents. For the first time, he has hope. Hope that he will see her again.
He turns his head to look at the piano on the other side of the room, picturing the image of Seri sitting there and playing his brother's song from memory. He remembers how surprised she looked when he began to play the whole piece for her and how incredulous her expression was when they both realized how fate worked in their lives. He wonders if she's all right. He wonders if she had eaten. He wonders if she thinks about him often like he does.
Inspiration suddenly struck him, compelling him to get up from his bed and sit in front of his piano. His fingers quickly following the melody forming inside his head. He is going to compose a song for her. Her own song. One that he'll play for her when they see each other again.
Four.
There was no work in her office that day, but she spends most of it on her desk anyway. She finishes the mountain of paperwork just as the sun was setting. As she puts away the second to the last business proposal, she stretches her neck to get rid of the stiffness before refocusing to finish the last one. They were launching a new line of sportswear after the holidays and one of her staff surprised her by providing a line inspired by military wear.
While reviewing the proposal, she skips to the page containing the drawing of the sportswear, one of them painfully similar to what he used to wear when she was living with him in North Korea. There was a soft smile on her face as her finger traces the outline. She wonders what he had planned for the holiday. She wonders if he's doing well. She wonders if he thinks about her often like she does.
"Bogoshipo," she whispers. Her trip to Switzerland is scheduled in two months. She prays desperately.
On the other side of the globe, Jeong Hyeok presses the last note of the piece he was playing. There was a brief moment of silence before the entire auditorium erupted in applause. He stands up and scans the front row for the second time that night, hoping for a glimpse of her, before bowing in both appreciation and disappointment. He walks off the stage and is greeted enthusiastically by a former classmate behind the curtain.
It is the first year he was invited to perform at the Annual Christmas Recital his former school held. After he was officially dismissed from his military position earlier that year, he worked nonstop to prove his competence with the National Symphony Orchestra. After witnessing his strong dedication and immense talent, the committee did not hesitate to send him to different areas within North Korea to perform on their behalf. And when the invite from Switzerland came, Jeong Hyeok jumped at the chance to test fate once again.
There is a cocktail party afterwards and he enjoys catching up with former colleagues and professors. Every once in a while, he lets his eyes wander around the room, hoping to get a glimpse of her. He tries to get information about the South Korean music foundation he had heard rumors about and had to remain calm at the name it is associated to. His professor tells him that there was a representative that came that night. So, he doesn't give up. She must have seen him perform if she was here.
The night went on, and he finds himself getting more disappointed as the seconds ticked by.
Five.
That year, Seri finds herself walking into a dimly lit auditorium with her eyes slowly adjusting to the darkness after the onslaught of camera flashes that attacked her when she walked down the red carpet outside. Every eye in the room seemed to turn towards her general direction as she made her way to the front. The stunning dark green gown she wore clung to her curves beautifully and highlighted the fairness of her skin. Her long dark hair is pinned up in a loose bun to show off the daring low back of her dress. She smirked at the envious glares coming from the women and the curious ones coming from the men. After checking her ticket once again, she finally spots her seat near the front.
Her foundation has two musicians performing that night, and she had volunteered to go accompany them herself. Her brother complained when he found out, saying that he had never been to Russia and thought this was finally his chance to visit. But one sharp glare from his younger sister had him sulking and relenting to her request. She packs a week's worth of clothing into her luggage along with three of her best outfits before jetting off to the foreign country.
After a short glance at her expensive watch, she realizes that the recital is about to begin but the seat beside her remained empty. She tries to calm herself by opening the leaflet given to her at the entrance, easily spotting the two familiar names of her prodigies with a proud smile. They both have worked so hard all year to hone their craft, and the prestigious invitation came both as a given and a wonderful surprise. She continues to scan the rest of the names and catches one that made her heart drop down to her stomach.
Ms. Dan Seo, North Korea – cello
She makes the connection almost immediately, and her thoughts began to run a hundred miles a minute. Then there is a familiar low voice speaking English at the end of her row and the hairs on her arm rise in goosebumps. She keeps her eyes trained on the page as to appear calm and unaffected by his presence as he made his way towards the seat beside her. The familiar scent of the cologne she had bought for him made her lips twitch upward and made her look up to greet him. Her breath catches at the sight.
Jeong Hyeok looked like an absolute dream as he effortlessly unbuttoned the jacket of his tuxedo before sitting down. He has not taken his eyes off of her the entire time and the fond smile on his face made her heart melt. When the lights dimmed to signal the commencement of the recital, he takes her hand to place a kiss on the back of it and doesn't let go. She feels like she's floating on air and resists the urge to rest her head on his shoulder.
A few minutes into the first musician's performance, Seri leans over to whisper in his ear. "Seo Dan-ssi?"
His expression turns embarrassed before he quietly replies with, "The committee made us come together."
She doesn't answer and instead finds herself mesmerized by his thumb stroking the back of her hand. Her insecurity with Seo Dan is something she is still struggling with. Though Jeong Hyeok has assured her time and time again, it is not something that goes away overnight. His thumb stops moving, and it makes her look up to meet his eyes. She blinks in surprise when she realizes he had leaned closer when she wasn't looking. His eyes, full of understanding and so much love, shift from hers down to her lips, and the subtle gesture is enough to make her heart drum nervously.
"Sarangho," he murmurs before closing the gap between them with a kiss.
She quickly pulls away with her cheeks flaming. Sparing a nervous glance at the people around them, she finds them all enraptured by the performance happening in front of them to take notice of the couple on the verge of getting amorous on the third row. She was about to chastise him about his recklessness when she takes notice of her lip gloss on his lips. She uses her thumb to wipe it off and ignores how his eyes darkened at the gesture.
"Later," she tells him. A promise.
He grins.
Six.
It is their first Christmas together in their new house in Switzerland. Seri busies herself by decorating every room with all the holiday knickknacks she bought from the market while Jeong Hyeok makes sure that the refrigerator is stocked with enough food for the two of them until the new year comes. There is a tree standing in the corner of their living room, decorated with real ornaments and blinking Christmas lights, and she does not forget to add a heart cutout now with both their names written and little hearts drawn on with a sharpie. Jeong Hyeok kisses her the moment he spots the addition.
For their Christmas dinner, he prepares a traditional Korean meal while she swings her legs and watches him from her seat on the counter, providing amusing – borderline annoying – commentary just to see his smile. In an effort to shut her up, he uses either a taste of his food or a taste of his lips, the latter proving to be the more effective method. He turns his back on her to stir the soup, and she hops down from the counter to hug him from behind. They wore matching smiles as they both think that life couldn't possibly get better than this.
Music coming from their vinyl record player accompanied their candlelit dinner. Seri excitedly feasts on his mouthwatering cooking, and he is satisfied with the amount of food on her plate. They talk about the weeks they spent apart – their topics ranging from big areas of their lives like work and family to the most random ones like Chi Su's fried chicken dream. Seri leans her chin on her hand, drawn by the shadows created by the candlelight dancing on his face and the childlike enthusiasm he expresses when talking about his musical projects and the talented students he teaches.
They find themselves sitting in front of the piano after the table has been cleared and all the dishes have been put away. He teases by offering to teach her a couple of nursery rhymes she can easily memorize instead of flaunting her knowledge of "For Elise." She hits his arm in response. His fingers play a couple of keys as he rides out his laughter. Then in the silence that followed after, he tells her that he made a song for her.
There is a pretty smile on her face as she encourages him to play it. And for the first time, the song he has been perfecting over the last three years has an audience. Each note conveys the love, the agony, and the longing he felt during the years he spent apart from her, and his fingers flew expertly over the black and white keys as the melody of the song evoked the strong emotions within him. He finds it easier to express his love for her through action, but thankfully art is there to save him when he deems his actions aren't enough for her to know just how much.
He patiently waits for her response after he had finished playing, but she remains unusually reserved and quiet for a long time. She looked too deep in thought that he had to nudge her and ask her if she's all right to gain back her attention. After a minute, she lifts her head to meet his eyes, making him see the unshed tears shining on hers. Just as he was about to comfort her, she surprises him by straddling his lap on the piano bench and cupping his face with both her hands, a touched smile playing on her lips.
"You made that for me?" she whispers, a stray tear rolling down her cheek.
He nods nervously, searching her eyes for any hint of sadness, and finds none. "It's your song."
With a laugh, she leans in and presses her lips against his. His heart soars. She loves his gift. He tilts his head to deepen the kiss and pulls her closer by the waist. Each time their lips touch still feels electrifying for him. She pulls back and leaves him wanting more, but she stops him from leaning in by pressing a finger on his lips. She then proceeds to floor him with the next words that came out of her mouth.
"Ri Jeong Hyeok-ssi," she murmurs, leaning her forehead against his. He hums in response and closes his eyes, loving the feeling of having her close. "Marry me."
Seven.
By the next year, a few months in after they have permanently settled into their new life together in Switzerland, Seri finds herself sick. Really sick. It started a week before the holidays, and by the time Christmas rolls around the bug still has not left her. She needs to hold onto the back of chairs or table ends to steady herself whenever the vertigo hits, needs a toilet nearby in the event the unexpected nausea is trigged by something she sees or smells, and needs a bed or a couch to nap on because of the fatigue she feels all the time. Jeong Hyeok insists they go see a doctor, but she stands her ground and tells him that she will be fine after a few days of resting.
While she already had the experience of being babied by him when she was recovering in the hospital years ago, there is something different about being taken care of by a husband. He serves the most delicious chicken ginseng soup, gives her the best massages whenever she complains about her back aching, and carries her to the rooms she wants to go to inside the house. When she says that she's tired of being stuck inside the bedroom all day, he turns the sofa in the living room into a makeshift bed for her. There, he sits with her and lets her rest her head on his chest. He plays with her hair and reads aloud a book in his low voice, and it is enough to lull her to sleep almost immediately.
There were some rare moments that she feels fine enough to join him at the dinner table, but most days he brings the food to her. He worries, she can tell, but tries to hide it behind his sweet smile. He checks her temperature when he thinks she's asleep. He speaks to her mother over the phone when she's in the bathroom. He only buys ingredients from the market that has passed the test of her overly sensitive sense of smell. One night, she fights the fatigue and tells him she loves him, and his responding soft smile is the last thing she remembered before sleep overtook her.
She tries her best to recover. She eats properly, drinks more water than she had ever before, and rests whenever she feels tired. She pulls out her phone to search the internet and speed up the process, but all the research does is scare her with lists of probable sicknesses she might have due to her symptoms. Despite her effort, she seems to be getting worse as the days went on. The nausea wakes her up in the middle of the night. The vertigo attacks become more frequent. Jeong Hyeok draws the line when he comes home from the market and finds her in a heap on the kitchen floor.
"I'm taking you to the hospital," he tells her despite her protests and wraps a scarf around her neck.
The nurse who took over her case has a warm smile and assures her that they will have her results by the end of the hour. Seri obediently goes through the general checkup and gets her blood drawn before going back to the waiting area. It seems like the emergency room doors keep opening and closing despite it being Christmas. Jeong Hyeok sits beside her, her hand enveloped in both of his, as his right leg bounces in impatience. She squeezes his hand to get his attention and smiles at him when he lifts his eyes to meet hers.
"I'm fine," she assured him, knowing exactly what he is thinking. "It's just a bug."
His leg stops moving as he leans back on his seat with a sigh. "I hope so," he replies, his free hand stroking the back of hers in a loving manner. He avoids her eyes as he admits the dark thought lingering at the back of his mind. "I just don't want to lose you."
"You'll never lose me."
Her nurse approaches them with a doctor in tow and tells them they needed to talk and check on her in one of the examination rooms. Seri disappears into a room with them but not before giving him a quick kiss, an assurance that she will be right back. Jeong Hyeok paces the waiting area in an effort to calm himself. It takes her exactly twenty minutes to come back to him. The moment she stepped out of the room with a dazed look on her face, he is by her side.
"What?" he asks. "What did the doctor say?"
There was a look of disbelief on her face that definitely did not help calm his nerves. Instead of answering him, she holds up a black and white picture and expects him to understand what she meant. When he asks her again, she lets out a laugh and cups his face with her hands. She plants a sweet kiss on his lips before telling him what they were expecting, and it is enough to make his knees weak and make him search for a chair to sit down on.
"Congratulations, appa," she whispers, eyes brimming with happy tears. "We're going to be parents."
Eight.
That Christmas, Seri wakes up in the middle of the night and finds his side of the bed empty. A quick glance at the digital clock on her bedside table tells her that it is just two hours after midnight. Usually, by that hour, the baby monitor would have already picked up slight fussing and restlessness, but all Seri hears is silence. With resigned amusement, she pushes off the covers and wraps her robe around herself before walking out of the bedroom. The door adjacent to theirs is slightly ajar. After gingerly pushing it open, her heart melts at the sight that greets her.
She had never given much thought about her happy ending when she was younger. All her life she had to fight in order to get what she wants. It is quite amazing, sometimes she has to pinch herself to make sure she isn't dreaming, how everything just seems to fall into place since the moment Jeong Hyeok came into her life. She leans against the doorframe, willing herself to capture the memory and keep it in her heart forever. Her husband sitting on the rocking chair with his eyes closed, humming the song he made for her, while their baby daughter sleeps soundly on his shoulder.
It is such a pretty sight that she didn't want to disturb them any further, but before she can step outside, her soldier of a husband has already spotted her. He beckons for her to come closer. Her steps thankfully muted by the soft slippers she wore did not disturb her daughter's slumber. She gently runs a finger through her fine hair as he assures her, "She's fine. She just needed some attention."
Seri nods mesmerized by the cute snores the little girl is making. Jeong Hyeok notices and carefully transfers the baby into her arms. They turn wary when she wrinkles her little nose at the discomfort before relaxing when she recognizes her mother's embrace. Seri can never get tired of watching her. Jeong Hyeok places a kiss on the side of her head and tells her that he will be waiting for her in their bedroom. It takes a few minutes before Seri can let her baby go, softly whispering comforting words as she laid her back down in her crib.
After closing the door behind her, she is surprised to find her husband still standing outside their daughter's room. He is wearing a goofy smile on his face and has his hands behind him. She narrows her eyes suspiciously and asks him what he's hiding. His eyes turn upward and hers follow. There is a mistletoe hanging right above them, an ornament she is certain was not there earlier that evening. When their eyes meet again, she shakes her head and laughs at his silly antics before throwing her arms around his neck.
"If you want a kiss, you can just say so," she teases, a happy lilt in her tone.
He circles his arms around her waist and pecks the tip of her nose. "Where's the fun in that?"
She responds by giving him a light kiss that makes him pout, so she gives him two more in quick succession. Jeong Hyeok lets out a whine of protest that makes her giggle. He grins down at her before taking matters into his own hands. His lips brush hers innocently for a moment before he pulls her closer, turning the kiss into something slow and deep, enough to make her knees weak.
Her smile slowly disappears as the atmosphere between them changes. She feels a bit lightheaded when he decided to press her up against the wall. She runs a hand through his soft hair, her nails scratching his scalp lightly, eliciting a low groan from him. In retaliation, one of his hands releases its hold on her and starts to untie the knot of her robe. Once loose, his hand sneaks under her silk top and caresses the smooth skin of her back, making her shiver. His lips pull away from hers and continue to kiss her from her cheek down to her neck. She gasps and tightens her grip on him when he reaches her sweet spot.
"Don't…" she sucks in a sharp breath when he takes a soft bite of the sensitive skin on her neck. A moan escapes her lips when she feels his tongue soothe the bite he made. She pulls him back to her for a taste of his lips again with her robe falling carelessly on the floor. Their kiss becomes more urgent than the last, and she tugs on his shirt impatiently to let him know she wants it off. Both of them were so lost in each other that neither of them noticed the picture frame dangerously on the verge of falling off the wall.
They both freeze at the loud sound it made when it crashed onto the hardwood floor, sending shattered glass around them. Jeong Hyeok keeps her pressed against the wall, both of their chests heaving as they try to catch their breath, as they waited for the inevitable response that will come from their daughter's room. It only takes a few seconds before the undeniable sound of her cry reaches their ears. They sigh and release their hold on one another. He tells her to watch her step as she snatches her robe from the floor. He cleans up the mess, and she takes care of their daughter.
Later, when she collapses on top of him on their bed, she sighs and says, "That was your fault."
Jeong Hyeok looks at peace with his arm behind his head and his eyes closed. He tiredly replies with, "Sure."
She lifts her head up to rest her chin on his chest. "You're not even going to fight me on this?"
He takes a peek at her with one eye before embracing her, tucking her head under his chin and tangling their legs together. "Nope."
"Why?" she almost whines. Their bickering has always been the highlight of her day.
"Tired," he murmurs. "Long day tomorrow. So-young's first Christmas. Need to sleep."
She smiles, easing herself deeper into his arms and reveling at the comfort his warmth provides, "Saranghaeyo."
"Nadu yo," he answers sleepily and places a kiss on the top of her head. "Merry Christmas, my love."
"Merry Christmas."
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