Haruhi woke with a gasp and sat up, pulling her knees to her chest. Her heart was racing and her breaths came in great gulps. "It was a dream. It was only a dream," she chanted to herself as she tried to get her breathing under control.
She rested her forehead on her knees and started sorting through the images from her dream. "I have so many apologies to make. I never realized just how much of a disappointment I've been to everyone." Tears flowed unheeded as she began to make a mental list of the people and reasons she needed to apologize.
Taking a deep breath and running the back of her hand across her face to wipe away the tears, she headed to her mother's picture. "Dear Mother in Heaven, I apologize for being a disappointment to you. I know I should have been more careful. I didn't mean to get involved in this chaos. Please help me apologize to everyone else to whom I owe apologies as well."
Then she headed to the kitchen to make breakfast. "This is Dad's errand day so he will be up to eat with me before I leave for school. I'll apologize to him then."
As the rice cooked, the tea steeped, and the miso soup heated, Haruhi prepared a bento for her lunch. "Dad always treats himself to lunch on errant days, but I think I'll make him a snack bento for later. I know he likes the hot dog octopuses, omirice with a picture drawn in catsup, and apple slice bunnies."
She carefully placed her bento in her school bag and then quickly created the one for her dad and placed it in the refrigerator.
Just as the rice finished cooking, Ryoji walked into the kitchen, yawning and running his fingers through his unruly hair to settle it into some semblance of order. "Good morning, Haruhi," he said, stretching his arms over his head before he sat down at the table.
"Good morning," Haruhi replied in a subdued tone as she dished up breakfast and poured the tea.
Halfway through breakfast, Ryoji was finally awake enough to notice that Haruhi was not acting like her usual self. "Is something wrong?" he probed.
Haruhi set down her teacup, folded her hands in her lap, and took a deep breath. "Dad, I need to apologize to. I'm sorry I've resisted your attempts to dress me in frilly clothes like a girl. I'm sorry I haven't depended on you to protect, provide, and care for me. I'm sorry I've been a disappointment as a daughter."
Breakfast continued in silence. After a few minutes, Haruhi stood up and started clearing the table. "I'm done and I need to get ready for school," she said as she walked to the kitchen sink, washed her dishes, and placed them on the drying rack.
In the shower, she let the spray hide her tears as she contemplated her dad's silence. "Oh well. I need to get ready for school. I have that French test today…and a lot more apologies to make."
She dressed quickly and gathered everything she needed into her school bag. She called, "Have a good day," as she stood at the front door to leave. There was no response from her dad, so she slipped out the door and locked it behind her.
Her commute to school gave her time to think about all the apologies ahead of her today. "I wonder if they will all respond like Dad did," she pondered.
When she arrived at school, she saw one of the people she owed an apology. "Nekozawa-sempai, may I speak to you for a minute?" she asked tentatively, not wanting to interrupt his conversation with the other Black Magic Club members.
He gestured to a nearby alcove where they could talk privately.
"Sempai, I just want to apologize for my callousness during the incident with your sister. I should not have dismissed your sensitivity to light or her fear of cats and the dark. I'll try to be more aware in the future."
After a moment of silence, Haruhi said uncomfortably, "Um, I'll just head to class now."
Nekozawa just watched her walk away as she hurried to her first class of the day.
The classroom was empty when Haruhi arrived so she pulled out her French notes and started reviewing for the test. Slowly, other students wandered in and took their seats.
Finally, the twins arrived and sat at the desks on either side of her. Noting that there were five minutes before class was supposed to start, Haruhi decided now would be as good a time as any to apologize to the twins.
"Hey, Hikaru, Kaoru," she called softly. When they looked in her direction, she said, "I'm really sorry for all the times I wouldn't wear the outfits or participate in activities you wanted me to. I never meant to be such a disappointment to you guys."
She stared at her notes as the silence stretched out uncomfortably. Before anything else was said, the teacher entered the classroom and started the lesson.
Haruhi stumbled through the morning. "I never realized just how much of a disappointment I have been. I'm not worth responding to." She refused to cry as she stubbornly pushed on through her day.
Just before lunch was over, Haruhi saw another person she needed to apologize to.
"Um, Kasanoda-kun, do you have a minute?" she asked with trepidation.
He glanced around and then pointed to an empty corner nearby.
"I'm sorry for not realizing you liked me and were confessing to me. I'm sorry for not acknowledging your feelings and answering you properly," she admitted softly.
He stood there staring at her for a moment before she murmured, "Well, I guess I'll head to my next class." Then she hurried away once again followed by the roiling black cloud of silence.
As she walked down the hall, she thought wryly, "I wonder how many other boys I owe that apology to? I can't believe I've been so callous."
The afternoon slogged on as she tried to concentrate on the lessons and take coherent notes. She couldn't quiet the voice in the back of her mind chanting, "Disappointment. Failure. Such a bother."
Finally classes were over for the day and Haruhi headed to Music Room Three for Host Club. "I have four more apologies to make today. Eventually, I need to apologize to my designates. After my gender is revealed, I know they'll be disappointed that I'm not what they thought I was."
When she arrived, Tamaki and Kyoya were discussing Club business and ideas for future cosplays and events. Honey and Mori had not arrived from karate and kendo practice yet.
Haruhi headed directly to the kitchen and started preparing refreshments. When she came out, Hikaru and Kaoru were sitting on their usual sofa watching her warily.
Haruhi sighed and went to sit in her usual area. "I'm too distracted to read or study right now. I guess I'll just plan my apologies to my sempais."
Honey and Mori entered just minutes before the beginning of Host Club hours. "Takashi has a championship match coming up soon, so he was training extra hard," Honey explained when they arrived. Mori seemed uncomfortable with the attention his cousin was drawing in his direction.
"Good luck, Mori-sempai," Haruhi responded simply.
Soon the ladies flooded into Music Room Three and the hosts were busy entertaining their designates.
Haruhi chatted easily with the young ladies who wanted to talk about homework, weekend parties, and summer travel plans. However, in the back of her mind was the constant reminder of how upset the ladies were going to be when her deception was revealed. She worked hard to suppress sighs by asking, "Would you ladies like some more tea?"
As Host Club hours drew to a close, Haruhi considered thoughtfully, "I'll have to make my apologies right away after the ladies leave. I don't know how long my sempais will be here before they need to head off to family obligations."
Haruhi walked over to Tamaki as soon as Kyoya closed the doors on the last guest. "Tamaki-sempai, may I talk to you for a moment?"
He nodded and she launched into her speech. "I'm sorry I don't act or dress or respond like you think I should. I'm sorry for being such a disappointment."
When she finished, she waited for a response. When none came, she looked up and Tamaki had an unusual expression on this face.
Sighing, she bit her lip and walked away. Next, she approached Kyoya. "May I have a moment of your time, sempai?" she asked.
He quirked and eyebrow and stated, "If you're wasting my time, I'll add it to your debt."
She nodded in response and said, "I'm sorry for being so clumsy, resulting in so much breakage. I'm sorry I haven't dealt well with Tamaki-sempai and the twins, resulting in chaos and more debt. And I'm sorry I haven't done a better job working off my debt."
Kyoya's face was unreadable as always so Haruhi turned and walked across the room to the sofa where Honey was finishing off the last of the cakes.
Haruhi stood in front of the table and waited for Honey to notice her presence. When he finally looked up at her questioningly, she said, "Honey-sempai, I'm sorry for all the times you've asked me to share cake or hold Usa-chan and I refused."
He looked at her quizzically and then went back to eating cake.
Haruhi glanced around the room dejectedly. "Well, just one more for today. Then I can go home and talk to Mom again." She finally spotted Mori staring out one of the windows.
She walked over and said quietly, "Mori-sempai, I want to apologize for disappointing…"
"No."
She was taken aback by his response. "I guess my behavior has been even worse than I thought." She turned away, preparing to grab her school bag and head home as quickly as possible.
Tired of holding back the tears, she surrendered the fight and let them fall. Of all the things that she had imagined after the nightmare and her mother's disappointment, Mori-sempai's unwillingness to even hear her out was the worst.
Suddenly there was a strong yet gentle hand on her shoulder. "You have been confusing, surprising, comforting, frustrating, courageous, contrary, gentle, caring, maddening, and soothing, but you have never, EVER been disappointing. Especially to me," Mori stated quietly but firmly.
Slowly she turned around and looked up into his grey eyes. There was no mocking or disdain, only sincerity.
He cupped her face in his hands and brushed her tears away gently with his thumbs. "How could you ever think you were a disappointment?"
All she could do was look at him helplessly. "I…I had a dream last night and everybody was telling me how disappointing I was to them—even Mom and Dad. It all felt so real and…"
Placing a finger on her lips, Mori whispered, "It was just a dream. I'm here…" He looked up to see that the other hosts had gathered around them. "…we're here to tell you that you are NOT a disappointment. You are stronger than you know and you are the beacon that holds us together."
Confused, Haruhi asked, "Then why didn't anyone respond? Each time I apologized, all I got was silence and stares."
Kyoya chuckled and said, "It was because you caught us off guard. We never imagined that you would think we thought of you as a disappointment. I, for one, was sifting through my memories to figure out what I could have done to make you feel that way."
The other hosts nodded in agreement to his statement.
Honey piped up, "Takashi was the only one who was confident enough to reject your assumption and state the truth."
Haruhi wrapped her arms around Mori's waist and hugged his fiercely. Then she beamed up and him and whispered, "Thank you. I needed that."
Mori kissed the top of her head and replied, "Welcome."
The other hosts surrounded them and Tamaki yelled, "Group hug!"