for quidditch league/reserve league - season 8, round 1, beater 2 - fear: mediocrity - optional prompts: 14. black lake, 15. teddy lupin
for hogwarts assignment #7 - aquatic studies - task #1 - hammerhead shark - write about being scared of something
for writing club: bingo - 5c; the fabulous world of comics - mentor; scamander's case - hogwarts grounds; marvel appreciation - jane
for the seasonal challenges: hufflepuff challenge - teddy lupin; spring astrology - penumbral lunar eclipse; history of spring - a major obstacle being overcome by a character
for herbology club: plot 4 - school
for spring funfair: spring cleaning - tidy myrtle's bathroom by magic; flower arranging station - hydrangea (teddy lupin)
thank you to ever and ray for betaing!
2706 words by google docs
Teddy doesn't like Hogwarts. He's surprised by it, after all of the stories he's heard about it, but something about it makes him want to leave. He's spent his entire childhood surrounded by wizards, bouncing from his grandmother's house where he lives to his godfather and his entire extended family. He grew up around stories about how great Hogwarts was, but when Teddy gets there, it just seems overwhelming. He sees only the masses of people staring at him as he follows the rest of the first years into the Great Hall. All he can think about is how he wants to go home for the Christmas holiday immediately.
And possibly for the rest of time.
At the sorting, he gets put in Hufflepuff. It's fine. He knows that his grandfather and his mother were in Hufflepuff, but it's not like he ever knew them. None of the houses really pulled at him in particular. Everyone at his table is nice to him, and it's overwhelming. He just wants to be left alone, really.
As soon as he and his fellow classmates are led to the Hufflepuff common room next to the kitchens, he heads to bed. With a bout of displeasure, he sees that his fellow male Hufflepuff first years see him retreat upstairs and decide to follow him. He had been hoping for just a few moments all alone.
"This is really cool!" one of his roommates says as they enter the dormitory. There are three beds in their room, and Teddy's trunk is on the bed right beside a window, which he likes. At least he can look out on the Hogwarts grounds at night, if he has trouble falling asleep. He does the same at home, and noting the similar setup makes him feel a little bit better.
"It's a bit scary," the other one says with a whisper. Teddy can't, for the life of him, remember either of their names. He tries to recall the sorting, but he honestly can't. He feels sort of bad for not wanting to befriend them, and he figures that he should be nice to them, now. The initial dislike of Hogwarts is definitely from him just being overwhelmed, he thinks, and he'll regret not having any friends in the morning.
"Sorry," he says, speaking for the first time all evening. "What are your names again?"
"Alex Jordan," the first boy says, the one that was more excited about the whole prospect of Hogwarts. He is small and short, with brown skin. His dark hair is stuck up in an afro, and he has an easy smile on his lips.
By comparison, the other first year doesn't look like a first year at all. He's several inches taller than both Teddy and Alex, and his pale cheeks are dusted with pink, as if he just ran a mile.
"I'm Will Davies," he says, his voice just as quiet as before.
Teddy forces a smile, even though he's not really feeling it. "I'm Teddy Lupin," he says, forcing his face to look more friendly. He hopes he doesn't change it too dramatically; people tend to get way too surprised at his shape-shifting abilities.
Alex looks at him for a moment, hesitating, before asking, "Lupin? Did your father teach here? My dad had him, I think."
Teddy freezes. He's spent a good chunk of his childhood with his godfather, the famous Harry Potter. Most of the time, people didn't recognize Teddy, but people always recognized Harry. And there was only one kid that would be walking around with Harry, most of the time. When people would recognize Harry, they would look between Teddy and Harry and then give Teddy a pitying look, like oh, poor dear.
He hates it. He hates people knowing his parents, and he hates being recognized and being pitied for not having them.
It's not like he ever knew them. He doesn't have anything to miss.
"Yes," Teddy finally replies to Alex's question.
"So your parents are —" Alex starts, but Will cuts him off.
"Alex," he says, sharply, the first time he raises his voice. Teddy assumes that Will is from a wizarding family, too. They both probably know his parents, and know that his parents are dead, and know that they were members of the Order of the Phoenix, and that they were heroes, and all that stuff that everyone always talks about.
"I'm going to go to sleep," he says, laying down on his bed without even bothering to change into pajamas. He can hear them whispering, but he turns away and shuts his eyes, wishing that sleep would come.
…
The next day, during all of his classes, Teddy is too aware of all of the teachers pausing before saying his name. Maybe he's just being hypersensitive, but almost all of the teachers have been teaching at Hogwarts for decades. They almost definitely knew his parents, and their fate.
His stomach churns at the thought of his parents' shadow following him around Hogwarts. He doesn't know why. He loves his parents, he does, even though he never knew them, but for some reason every teacher knowing who he is bothers him.
When he gets to Transfiguration, his last class of the day, Professor McGonagall nods at him. She's the only one of his teachers that he even slightly knows from before Hogwarts; his family had her over for tea multiple times. Teddy knows that school, though, is different, and McGonagall immediately seems more strict as a professor than as a family friend. McGonagall is the only teacher that doesn't pause before his name.
Teddy's grateful for that.
In her class, Teddy is immediately the worst one there. They're trying to turn toothpicks into needles, and everyone's has some sort of change, whether it's them looking slightly silver, or the tip pointing more. Teddy's toothpick is thoroughly a toothpick.
When the bell rings and everyone turns to leave, McGonagall calls, "Mr. Lupin."
Teddy pauses right near the door and waits until more students leave before turning around to his professor.
"Professor?" he says, forcing his feet to slowly approach her desk.
"If you ever need help," she says, and Teddy cringes, "don't be afraid to ask. Your father was a fantastic Transfiguration student, and I'm sure you will be, too." Teddy doesn't know what to say to that, when he doesn't think that he will be, at all. He doesn't think he wants to be. Instead of speaking, Teddy just nods.
"You look like him," McGonagall says, softly, and Teddy is silent again. He doesn't look much like anyone, he knows, because he was born being able to shape-shift. He's looked at old pictures of his parents, and tried to force himself to look like them while looking at himself in the mirror. The transformations are easy enough, but they don't feel like Teddy.
"Thank you, Professor," he says finally.
He can't get out of the classroom fast enough.
…
After dinner, Teddy's told by a prefect that there's free time for him to do whatever he'd like in the school, as long as he doesn't break any of the school rules. Alex and Will invite Teddy to play a game of Exploding Snap in the common room, but Teddy rejects their offer. He decides to wander the grounds instead.
The scenery of Hogwarts is beautiful, he has to admit, and it's something that he couldn't picture from just a description. The sun is slowly sinking, and it casts an orange glow over the green grass. In the distance, Teddy can see the Forbidden Forest, with its clumps of trees. Teddy continues to wander until he reaches the Great Lake.
His Uncle George told him about the Great Lake, and about the Giant Squid that supposedly lives on the bottom of it. Hagrid also brought all of the first years to Hogwarts on the lake, and Teddy had liked it. It was completely dark then, and Teddy can see how the lake's blue water glistens now, in the soft sunlight. He takes a deep breath, feeling the fresh air enter his lungs, and he feels calmer than he's felt since he's arrived at Hogwarts.
He thinks, maybe, that everything will be okay.
…
Weeks pass, and Teddy slowly gets used to Hogwarts. There's a big part of him that still wants to go home, but for the most part, he's content. He gets used to going to all of his classes, and he gets used to his roommates, and he gets used to the Hufflepuff common room, and everything else that goes along with being at Hogwarts. The Great Lake helps, and Teddy tries to go there whenever he can. It's the most calming place that he's found in the school, and it's big enough for him to avoid other people, if he wants to.
Most of his classes are fine, Teddy discovers, and he even likes some of them. Transfiguration is his least favorite, though. He's still no good at it, but it's more than that.
Part of it is the comments McGonagall gave him on their first day of the class. Teddy hasn't been able to stop thinking about them, at least in the back of his head, and whenever he messes up in class, he thinks about how his father would've done it better. A large part is McGonagall's further comments. There's nothing big, and Teddy wants to believe that McGonagall isn't making them on purpose. Still, it's hard to concentrate on his Switching Spell when McGonagall mentions how his father truly excelled at the spell, or to remember the right spell to turn his mouse into a snuffbox when McGonagall had handed him his mouse and said how this was his mother's favorite activity in her class.
Teddy isn't good at anything in Transfiguration, and the more his parents are mentioned to him, the more he feels —
Well, the more he feels like a failure.
How is he supposed to live up to the expectations his parents have set for him, without even meaning to?
It occurs to him, in early November, that no one's really making him go to class. In fact, he figures, it would be much easier for him to just not go to Transfiguration class. Instead, he goes to the Great Lake. He sits there, and he looks at his reflection in the water.
With a sigh, Teddy makes his face and hair shift and change, until he's looking back at an image of his father. Because that's what McGonagall wants, right? His father?
It feels wrong. He can't be that. He lets his face relax, and he reverts back to his regular self, with his messy shock of blue hair instead of his father's sandy brown. Searching his face in the reflection the lake gives off, he doesn't really see any similarities between him and his parents. His eyes are blue, unlike his father's green or his mother's usual brown. He maybe shares the same smile as his mother, but Teddy doesn't think he smiles as often as his mother probably did.
His personality, too, is different. He's more quiet, like his father, but he doesn't think he'd ever be able to be the hero. If someone was writing about him and the people in his life, he doesn't think he'd be the main character. He doesn't have an ounce of his mother's outgoing and spunky personality everyone always talks about, and he doesn't have the booksmarts that his father had.
He doesn't think he'll ever be able to live up to his parents.
When he returns to the castle, no one questions him about not going to Transfiguration, but Teddy does avoid Professor McGonagall's eye in the Great Hall. The next time he has Transfiguration, he does the same thing.
He knows that neither of his parents were model students. His father was a prefect, but he's also heard plenty of stories about the Marauders, a band of troublemakers that his father was one fourth of. His mother, he knows, was a troublemaker, due to her own clumsiness. Still, he knows that both of his parents tried pretty hard at school. He doubts that either of them ever ditched a class.
Another one of the bars his parents set that he's not living up to.
Teddy sits at the lake, and the sun starts to go down. He knows that class is definitely over by now, but he's reluctant to leave the lake. He sits there, thinking about all his parents achieved, everything that he'll never be able to. His reflection stares back at him, as he looks at it, and it slowly fades as the night creeps in. Still, as he stares at the reflection, he can vaguely see another figure come up behind him.
He whips around, and he's staring up at Professor McGonagall. She doesn't look upset, and somehow that makes him more nervous.
"Hello," he says, slowly. He's not sure what to expect, and he definitely doesn't expect for Professor McGonagall to sit down in the grass next to him. His mouth feels glued shut.
"You haven't been to class recently," she says, after a few moments of painful silence pass. It's not a question, but Teddy nods. She looks at him, frowning, and Teddy thinks that this is where he's supposed to say why.
He's silent, racking his brain for what to say. McGonagall looks at him, and Teddy wonders if she's seeing him, or his parents.
The thought makes him talk. "It's just, I'm not my parents!" he says, trying to keep his volume level normal. He fails, his voice raising out of emotion. McGonagall looks surprised at Teddy's outburst.
"I know," she says, still frowning at him.
"Do you?" he snaps. Immediately, he feels guilty. "Sorry," he says, averting his eyes. He decides to focus on a nice blade of grass, instead. That seems safe.
McGonagall is quiet, too, and Teddy knows that he should probably explain himself further. He's being rude, to a teacher of all people, and he knows, rationally, that nothing is going to get better if he doesn't say how he's feeling.
Still, he doesn't want to.
When the silence stretches on long enough for it to be awkward, Teddy finally whispers out, "It's just, you keep on mentioning my parents in class." He pauses, swallowing and blinking hard, trying to keep his focus on the grass. "I'm not them. I feel like I'm failing. Like they've set expectations for me that I just… can't meet. I'll never be as good as them."
"Oh, Teddy," McGonagall says softly. Teddy doesn't need her pity, either, and he gets a strong urge to stand up and walk away. He doesn't think that'll be good for him. "I apologize," she says next, and Teddy whips his neck around to look at her. He expected detention, not an apology. He should be getting in trouble for ditching class.
"You aren't your parents," she tells him, staring him right in the eyes. Teddy finds himself looking anywhere else, the eye contact making his stomach flop. "But you're wrong," she says next.
Teddy hates it, but he can feel his eyes well up with tears. He forces them not to fall.
"You're already as good as them," she tells him. A tear trickles down his cheek, and Teddy wishes that it was dark enough already for McGonagall to not see it. He doesn't believe her statement, but he doesn't say that to her. Instead, he gives her a shrug, trying to blink back any more tears. "If your parents didn't think you would live up to them, they wouldn't have died for your better future," McGonagall finishes.
With that, she gets up, and wipes off her skirt from the grass.
"I'll see you in class," she tells Teddy, giving him a curt nod.
Teddy turns, watching her walk up to the castle, and he knows that he should follow. He will, but first he looks back into the Great Lake.
He stares at his reflection, and he thinks, for the first time, that in it, he can see his parents looking back up at him.