Confessions

He was watching her; he couldn't help it. He knew she was struggling with something over the last couple of days and he knew she would talk to him when she was ready but he couldn't stand her being despondent. They were at the table ostensibly eating dinner, well he was, he had a couple of bites of vegan lasagne, he honestly didn't know if he was getting used to it or if he was actually starting to like it, something he never thought was possible. He didn't dread eating it like before. He was eating more than Jane at that moment, she just kept on moving her first forkful around her plate, not one bite has made it to her mouth, in fact none has left the plate. She was playing with her food a sure sign that there was something on her mind and it had been there for days. He had enough of this, he couldn't take anymore.

"Hey, do you want to skip to dessert?" Kurt asked

Jane jerked out of her reverie and looked at her husband, the man that she loved more than life and he had that smile on his face. A sweet, goofy smile just for her. She and Bee were the only ones that were allowed to see another side of this strong stubborn man in front of her. To be fair, Bee didn't know the stubborn side to her daddy, she just knew the big strong man that would lift her up and spin her around, the one that would make sure she ate her vegetables before any dessert, the one that would read story after story after story whenever she asked, she also knew that if daddy had to ask her to do something three times and she still hadn't done it then that would be four minutes on the thinking step, which was a fold away step stool that they used, he was also the one that had infinite patience with her when it came to the kitchen and when she helped when baking, he loved spending time with her in the kitchen, that was his second home. Jane had no doubt that Bee would see the stubborn side to her daddy when she becomes a teenager, Jane was kind of dreading it, at four, Bee could at times, though rare they are, be quite as stubborn or even more so than her daddy. Jane knew when boyfriends, parties and short skirts becomes a part of Bee's world there was going to be some hard-fought battles and it was still up in the air who would win the war, it would probably make Sandstorm seem like nothing, which said a lot!

Jane thought back to when Kurt would smile at her in a slightly different way when he would say dessert and she just froze.

"Jane? Is everything alright?"

Kurt watched as Jane took a deep breath.

"Kurt, can we talk?"

Oh, this couldn't be good he thought. He couldn't think of one time when any female said those words to him and it was a pleasant conversation. He left the plates with the remnants of their meal on the table. He pointed to the sofa and Jane moved to the well-worn couch that they spent so much time on, not just relaxing but making out and much much more. Kurt would always clean it the next day, three times when he knew Bee was coming.

Jane sat in her usual spot and he sat close to her with a gap in between them so he could face her. He watched as she opened and closed her mouth several times. He could see that she wanted to get something out but she was having trouble, which was scary in itself, where was his usually self-assured wife he thought. He thought back to a few times when either of them had wanted to try something new in the bedroom and neither was shy about bringing the topic up as they knew for a fact that if the other wasn't interested then that would be that, they trusted and respected each other implicitly.

This was too much for Kurt, he took her hands in his.

"Jane, talk to me. What did you want to say?"

Again, her mouth opened and closed a few times without a sound escaping. Kurt decided that he needed to be closer to Jane and directly in front of her so he moved to the coffee table and sat opposite her, she was scaring him.

"Jane, please, talk to me."

Jane looked at the man in front of her and she saw the love in his eyes, in his touch, in his every being. She knew he loved her with everything he had, that wasn't in any doubt but one thing was and she couldn't leave him hanging no matter how embarrassing it would be to her. She would do anything to make him happy. With one more look into his concerned eyes she opened her mouth, and this time she asked what she wanted to know.

Kurt was watching her watch him and she looked scared in a way, which scared him. This was his fearless wife, she would willingly run head first into danger but here she was looking at him as if something drastic was going to happen. Then she opened her mouth.

"Do you like it rough?" Jane whispered

As soon as the question was out of her mouth, she saw his eyes widen in shock and she had to look away for fear of the answer.

Of all of the things he thought she was going to say that wasn't even on the list. They preferred slow and sweet but that wasn't always possible. Sometimes quick was needed, especially when Bee was staying with them, they had a three-hour window from the time Bee went to bed to when she may wake up during the night and come to their bed. It only happened a few times but that was better than them being interrupted by the toddler which happened once and only once as both he and Jane were too paranoid about being walked in on again to try it. He still cringed at his then three-year-old asking what they were doing, Jane was cracking up underneath him after initially being paralyzed with shock when they realised, they were not alone in their bedroom, she found his paralysis funnier than hers at that moment. When he knew that Jane was leaving this awkward moment to him and him alone, he managed to say that when mummy's and daddy's love each other they like to wrestle, that's when Jane piped in 'cuddle', so he went with cuddle. Bee's acceptance of the reason made them breath in relief. They froze again when she asked to sleep with them, neither knew what to say. In ordinary circumstances Bee was always welcome, but they were naked and he knew he didn't want Bee touching anything she wasn't supposed to plus she tended to kick in her sleep, he was pretty sure Jane felt the same. He remembered when he looked at his daughter standing by the head of the bed, with her adorable bed head, looking at him and only him as she couldn't see Jane as she retreated to the other side of his body, he had a brainwave and told Bee that of course she could sleep with them but hadn't she forgotten Teddy. He watched as she ran out of their room, he and Jane had never moved so fast, they got out of the bed took clean pyjamas out of the drawers and were back in bed as if nothing happened by the time, they heard the tiny feet heading their way again. It took them months to be comfortable having sex again while Bee was there, both of them were traumatised by the incident.

"Where is this coming from?" asked Kurt

"Remi seemed to like it rough, rougher than what we like…"

There was a pregnant pause. Jane was avoiding his gaze and he didn't know what to say.

"Jane, can you explain please?"

He watched as she took in a deep breath and moved her eyes to meet his.

"You know that I have my memories back?"

Kurt nodded.

"And that I have Remi's memories as well…?"

Kurt nodded again; he was still confused. Jane decided to take pity on him as she could clearly see that he had no idea what she was getting at.

"I remember all the times we've been together…"

The confused look was still on Kurt's face.

"…and all the times you were with her, Remi. Hence my question, do you like it rough?"

Oh shit, thought Kurt, he never even thought to address this. He wasn't avoiding the subject, it honestly never occurred to him. How was he going to explain it?

She saw the dumbfounded look on his face, she had completely blindsided him and that wasn't her intention, she just wanted to know so she could be what he wanted, do what he wanted.

Kurt saw that this was making her uncomfortable and he wanted to take that away from her. He was going to open his mouth when she beat him to it.

"I understand more now how my sleeping with Clem affected you, how it played on your mind. How you would second guess yourself when it came to touching me again…I get it I just want to know what you prefer so I can be what you want."

The last part was said in such a quiet voice that he had to strain to her his wife. God, he was such an idiot, he knew she had her memories and those of Remi's as well but he didn't think about this aspect. He was feeling closed in at the moment and he felt if he said the wrong thing then she would leave but he couldn't lie to her, they promised each other that there would be no more lies. He rubbed his hands over his face before he began to answer her question.

"Ok…ok…ok. Erm. I need to start from the beginning ok?"

He waited for her nod then he continued.

"Ok, first of all you don't need to change for me. I love you as you are, ok? Ok…when I came out of the hospital there were a few niggling things that did bother me but then I had been in the hospital in a coma for a while, Roman had died, you killed Crawford, we found out that he was the brains behind the whole orphanage plot and it seemed as everyone of my questions had an answer that was plausible. Remi was Remi. We mistakenly used to think of her as your complete opposite, you're good, she's bad but that wasn't the case, I'll expand on that later on.

When I came out of the hospital for a long while Remi didn't want to make love, she kept on using my injury as an excuse and I didn't see anything wrong with that, I just thought that she loved me so much that she didn't want me to do more damage to myself, we've abstained before when one of use has been injured, so it made sense. She did allow kisses and at first, they were slightly hesitant but she eventually became confident in her ardour.

I honestly don't know what changed, I don't know if it was the fact that she couldn't refuse me anymore, not that I was pressuring her or anything or the fact that she wanted to, but one night we did make love, well we had sex. It wasn't exactly the same as us two, the way she touched me, I can't explain it, it was as if she wasn't 100% sure of what to do with me, of what I liked, as far as I was concerned, she was you so I loved her as if she was. I do remember that first time, she seemed to be shocked about what was happening to her body and what she was feeling, I just thought it was because it had been a long time. She seemed to prefer anywhere apart from the bedroom and she liked it quick but there would be times where we would be in bed and we made love. Anyway, we made love more and more and she seemed to find her 'rhythm'.

Then I realised she was Remi, I felt such a moron that I didn't notice sooner, all the signs were there but I just couldn't read them. Once I knew I was with Remi, I thought, and this is going to sound crazy, but I thought that if I could love her like I love you then maybe you would come back. I started to make love to her at every opportunity and she was content, she would wrap herself around me after we had finished and it felt as if I had you back.

Then she realised that I knew she was Remi and I thought that would be it but the strangest thing happened. She still wanted me and she tried to play it off as if she just needed any guy to get off but I knew she was lying. She wanted me; I could see it in her eyes. She tried to seduce me a couple of times and I didn't bite. She got so frustrated that one night she came out here to where I was sleeping and asked me politely if we could have sex as I was the only man to ever make her feel what she felt and she wanted to feel it again while she could. She hated asking me but she was desperate. There was an honesty in her eyes that I couldn't and didn't want to deny. So that night, I got up from this couch and held my hand out, she took it and I walked her to our bedroom where we had sex. I let her lead and dictate everything she wanted, she preferred being on top but so do you but I think with her it was more of a control thing than anything else. I thought she was going to take what she wanted and I would have been fine with that but to my surprise we both benefitted from our liaison. The next few times followed the same way, her in control but I think she was missing something. She knew how I loved her when I thought she was you, she knew how I loved her when I knew she was Remi and she missed that as I always loved her. From then on we made love, that time and each and every time after that felt as if she was saying goodbye. There was another aspect to our intimacy and it was the closest she was to you. I knew who she was and she knew this but she seemed shocked every time that I would call out her name. Once we settled for the night, I would kiss her temple or her shoulder depending on our position and I would hear her sigh each time.

Did I love her? Yes, I did. Our biggest mistake was thinking that you two were two separate people, you're not, or you weren't. You're one and the same person. Remember that Remi hated me, hated everything that I stood for, yet she had numerous opportunities to kill me yet she didn't or couldn't. This is Remi we're talking about, when she wants someone dead then they're the walking dead but she couldn't do it to me, why?

You were given a second chance when you came out of the bag, you were surrounded by the team who were and are the 'good guys' and more importantly you were away from Shepherd's influence and you could make up your own mind. Whereas Remi, remembered everything when 'she came back', she remembered her hatred of me and everything I stood for but she did good when she was here. Even with all of her memories she saw what we were doing, she saw it wasn't all black and white and that we did the best that we could and even we weren't always happy with the results. But the fact that she was away from Shepherd helped her make up her own mind. I honestly think that I was the first person to love her, truly love her. Did I tell her, no because Remi's reflex is to hurt and she would have laughed in my face and I wasn't strong enough to handle that but I showed her when we made love, I showed her when I called her name, I showed her when I would kiss her temple or shoulder and then she would fall asleep in my arms. I think she knew how I felt about her when she went in for the procedure. She gave me a small smile. She didn't fight it as she wanted me to be happy and she thought that disappearing would make me happy but you're a part of her and she's a part of you. You are one and the same. I love you both. I love you!

You were vulnerable when you came out of the bag but she was more so. She was told what to think and how to think for so long. She wasn't allowed to have her own opinions. Her grief was used against her.

Did I cheat on you when I slept with Remi? I honestly don't know. When I realised you was Remi, I did have reservations about carrying on the charade but I really wanted 'you' back and I was willing to do anything to make sure that happened. Then I saw more and more of you each and every day. By the time Remi and I was sleeping together, when we both were on the same page, there were no pretences between us. It was real. I think it was the first time that she could be herself, truly herself.

I'm sorry if this hurts you, that wasn't my intention. I know you have all of Remi's memories but do you have her feelings or what she was feeling? I don't know if that would help…"

He got up and was about to walk away when Jane caught one of his hands to stop him, he looked back and she was looking at him with tears in her eyes.

"Kurt, please sit down…please."

He took his seat on the coffee table again and he couldn't look at her, he cheated on her and what's worse with her own worse enemy, herself. Then he felt Jane's hand on his cheek, it was a tentative touch but it was there. He looked up and her tears fell.

"She was so full of hate. She scoffed at every one of my memories of us. Then she felt good for tricking you into sleeping with her, not tricking per say but the fact that you didn't notice the difference but then she felt something. It was envy for the way you made love to her when you thought she was me. She thought she had been made when you made love more and more but she was enjoying it too much to even care about that. I can't even verbalise the happiness she felt when you called out her name, she felt complete and I think you're right, she never felt that way before."

Kurt just stared at her.

"So, what I'm thinking is that you're destined to have women falling in love with you!" said Jane

Kurt rolled his eyes, then there was a spark of mischief in them.

"Well if their names happen to be Remi Briggs and Jane Doe, definitely. Alice Kruger is a stretch though as I've never been to South Africa but you never know, it could have happened if your parents were still alive…"

"Thank you for loving both sides of me. For loving all of me!"

"You are very welcome! So, is there anything specific you would like to do now…?" Kurt asked with a decidedly salacious look in his eyes.

Jane leaned forward until her mouth was by his ear and she whispered what she wanted to do. "I would like to…finish dinner before dessert!" She then proceeded to nip at his earlobe something that she knew drove him wild.

Kurt groaned because whenever Jane got an idea in her head, she couldn't be dissuaded from it, so when she said finish dinner, he knew she was going to take her own sweet time on the meal before they moved to the bedroom for the dessert portion of the meal. But it was worth the wait. It always was!